Members swbibbyx Posted April 3, 2012 Members Report Share Posted April 3, 2012 Hi, I'm not sure how active this site is but I thought I would try and post and see what happens. I found out last week that my girlfriend of 5 years had passed away. We had been in a long distance relationship although it didn't really start out that way. We were only about 3 hours apart at first and would make trips to see each other when we could. We had lots of fun times and several dates and were really just smitten with each other. Things got tough a little while later as my dad was dealing with a disease that eventually took his life. I went a few hours north of where I was living to be with him and help him as best I could. During the time where I was helping him, her was exhibiting symptoms of sickness. (She was showing signs of it earlier but they were really becoming noticeable now) So she made the decision to go far South and be with her parents so they could help her out with her kids and just make things easier for her to hopefully get better. We had some rough times after that. I know I pulled away somewhat like I am now. Very depressed and very introverted. She was dealing with her sickness progressing and not feeling very well. We continued to talk and help each other but at some point it broke down. We went from saying 'I love you' at night to sometimes nothing. We'd sometimes send things to each other in the mail like cards or something else. There was bitterness, more so from her to me because I had been so drawn back she felt like I wasn't there enough for her. Through all of that we continued to talk usually through Skype. Sometimes on cam/mic sometimes just typing depending on how she was feeling that night or if the kids were rowdy etc. Over time we became closer and closer. From the lows of almost not showing any affection we had grown back to saying hugs, xoxo, miss you and the little heart emote. What really kills me is the fact that I *think* we both felt the same, that we still loved each other but we didn't say it. At least, I believe she said it on occasion but I didn't return it. After all we had been through and were going through, I wanted to not only say it but mean it as well. The last time we were on cam together she didn't want to go on cause she had gained some weight and said her hair was thinning. I didn't care, I wanted to see her. So she did and I just looked at her and smiled. I felt the love but it kills me that at that time I could have said it. I felt it 100%. That last time on cam would turn out to really be the last time on cam. We chatted like normal for another few weeks. I had asked her if she would want to try more frequently and she said yes. I think her sickness was getting more and more out of control. I last talked with her on March 11th very very briefly. She said she was looking forward to talking with me later. 2 Weeks went by with no messages no phone calls no nothing. I found out last week she had passed only two days later. I found out by finding her obituary. I stared and stared and stared at it crying in disbelief. I looked at it thinking no, the picture is the same, the name is the same but surely to god that wasn't her. There's no way it can be her. So here I lay in bed a week later after finding out.. missing our conversations. Missing her smile. Missing her stories of the day. Missing everything about her including the future that could have been. I feel so much guilt for not saying 'Babe, I love you'. I am so lost I am beside myself and just don't know what to do or how to go on. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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