Girlfriend gone

[swbibbyx]

Hi, I'm not sure how active this site is but I thought I would try and post and see what happens.

I found out last week that my girlfriend of 5 years had passed away.

We had been in a long distance relationship although it didn't really start out that way. We were only about 3 hours apart at first and would make trips to see each other when we could. We had lots of fun times and several dates and were really just smitten with each other.

Things got tough a little while later as my dad was dealing with a disease that eventually took his life. I went a few hours north of where I was living to be with him and help him as best I could. During the time where I was helping him, her was exhibiting symptoms of sickness. (She was showing signs of it earlier but they were really becoming noticeable now) So she made the decision to go far South and be with her parents so they could help her out with her kids and just make things easier for her to hopefully get better.

We had some rough times after that. I know I pulled away somewhat like I am now. Very depressed and very introverted. She was dealing with her sickness progressing and not feeling very well. We continued to talk and help each other but at some point it broke down. We went from saying 'I love you' at night to sometimes nothing. We'd sometimes send things to each other in the mail like cards or something else. There was bitterness, more so from her to me because I had been so drawn back she felt like I wasn't there enough for her.

Through all of that we continued to talk usually through Skype. Sometimes on cam/mic sometimes just typing depending on how she was feeling that night or if the kids were rowdy etc. Over time we became closer and closer. From the lows of almost not showing any affection we had grown back to saying hugs, xoxo, miss you and the little heart emote.

What really kills me is the fact that I *think* we both felt the same, that we still loved each other but we didn't say it. At least, I believe she said it on occasion but I didn't return it. After all we had been through and were going through, I wanted to not only say it but mean it as well. The last time we were on cam together she didn't want to go on cause she had gained some weight and said her hair was thinning. I didn't care, I wanted to see her. So she did and I just looked at her and smiled. I felt the love but it kills me that at that time I could have said it. I felt it 100%.

That last time on cam would turn out to really be the last time on cam. We chatted like normal for another few weeks. I had asked her if she would want to try more frequently and she said yes. I think her sickness was getting more and more out of control.

I last talked with her on March 11th very very briefly. She said she was looking forward to talking with me later. 2 Weeks went by with no messages no phone calls no nothing. I found out last week she had passed only two days later. I found out by finding her obituary.

I stared and stared and stared at it crying in disbelief. I looked at it thinking no, the picture is the same, the name is the same but surely to god that wasn't her. There's no way it can be her.

So here I lay in bed a week later after finding out.. missing our conversations. Missing her smile. Missing her stories of the day. Missing everything about her including the future that could have been. I feel so much guilt for not saying 'Babe, I love you'.

I am so lost I am beside myself and just don't know what to do or how to go on.

[btjw020610]

so sorry for your loss I understand how hard it is right now I am still in the mist of mourning for my fiance I had the chance to be with him on a daily basis but I know that distance doesn't make a difference in how you feel about someone I hope that you will find closure some how try to find a support group it has helped me so much

[swbibbyx]

Ty bt.

I am having A LOT of trouble dealing with the absence. The silence, the something.. I'm at a loss for words. When you do something or say something that the other person likes. I miss being able to say draw a picture and go to her ask what she thinks.. It's like someone cuts a highway in half and you stop trying to get to the other side but can't.. there's a hole and you stand there looking and asking what do I do now.

Being long distance doesn't help at all. I feel like I could go lay down where she will be and staying there forever jut to be close.

[widower2]

shawn I'm very sorry for all of this. It will take time, allow yourself that and be gentle with yourself. Guilt is a common feeling during such times, I know it's hard but try not to beat yourself up, it's not fair and you're going through enough without adding that to the list. I know it's a worn cliche but it's true: take one day at a time......

[JohnA777]

My prayers are with you.

I'm just a few short weeks from going through what you are going through now, and I dread every moment of it. Lupus will take her away at the young age of 24.

My sweetie and I have a long distance relationship (across continents) and its unlikely that I will get to do the one thing that matters most to her right now - to not have her die alone. We can't agree on how to finish this amazing love affair knowing that we'll be able to hold each other again in Heaven in what will eventually seem like a blink of an eye compared to eternity.

You are not alone in your feelings of grief.

[swbibbyx]

Thx all for the encouraging words.

Last night was the 30 day mark since I had last talked with her. Tomorrow is the 30 day mark since she actually passed away.. of course I didn't know for 2 weeks after that.

I have been up and down and talked with a lot of people both online and off. I've got some things out on my dressed that remind me of her.

I miss her so damn much I can't express it in words.

Jack, there is almost nothing harder than a long distance relationship. It takes so much dedication and trust. It surely isn't for everyone. I know the turmoil you are going through. My thoughts are with you too.

[JohnA777]

Hey Shawn,

I know you get it. And your right - it isn't for everyone. But the one thing that comes out of it is that you have to learn to communicate, because that is the only thing you have. You have to compensate for the lack of proximity. And bless you for being able to do that.

I'm now going through the process of understanding who is going to reach out to me at various stages of this when my sweetie can't. I couldn't bear to think that no one would tell me, so we're working out who gets the sad duty to do that. I'm sorry that you didn't have that at the time - someone just to cry with if not capable of being able to console.

I did collect up all of the recordings and videos I have of her and am going to put them in multiple safe places in the coming days. I don't ever want to lose the sound of her voice and the way she said my name.

I do plan on being proactive and finding some sort of counselling soon. I'm hoping that you have done the same by now to help you cope.

Take care, keep writing, and God bless.

- jack

[swbibbyx]

Hi JackA,

I've reached out where I could and it's helped some. It's a new path in life. Where I thought I would be going down one path, it's stopped and have to make a new one and not sure how to if I CAN.

I've done the same as you and have collected what I can from a few email sources, messengers, cards, audio's ... everything. I had more on a hard drive that crashed a while back but I'm happy to have what I do. I know you are as well.

Sounds like you have a few resources that will reach out and that will help a lot.

[JohnA777]

You will. In time. I can't say when, but you will.

If I say this enough, I hope to believe it myself. Ya know?

I can't see myself rushing this. I want time to stop now - I have no idea what it will be like when she's actually gone.

God bless!

[swbibbyx]

I was already seeing someone to help with depression and saw her today. She basically said just allow yourself to have nothing time. If you end up staring at a wall for an hour that's fine.

In other words, you don't rush it at all. Stop time? I wish I could reverse it.

Are you still able to talk with her?

[JohnA777]

I spent today listening to voice mails until I fell asleep sobbing.

Unfortunately, I was in my car, sitting in a secluded area of town where I would talk or chat with her for hours, just to be away from everything but her. Having mr. officer bang on my window and me waking up with first raised in protection wasn't the welcome he was looking for luckily just a kindly warning to watch out for myself was all that came of it...

today was the first time in weeks that we've spoken because she finally "sounded good enough" to talk. I told her to %$#@% that and realize I don't just love a happy carefree perfectly healthy woman who is never sad or mad or scared. She said "ok, but no video cuz you wont like what you see"... to which she got the same reply.... she loves it when i say %$#@% we did get to laugh, but mostly cry today. I told her I only need 99 more days like I had prior to talking with her and I might get it under control... I'm beginning to think I left off a zero and the end

[swbibbyx]

We have very similar stories you and I.

I am happy you got to talk with her. My girl said the same thing on our very last video call. She didn't want to cause she didn't look good enough. I said the same thing as you did. I didn't care what she looked like, I just wanted to see her. See her smile. I act like a goofball on cam a lot just to see her smile and roll her eyes back like 'oh my god'.

I often wish I had pushed a bit more maybe, to get her on cam more. With her life and jut not feeling well and going to bed early etc... it just didn't work out that great in the end. But I will always remember our last cam time and seeing her smile.

[JohnA777]

Day 3 of silence... our stories are now getting closer

What I regret most was her constantly being interrupted by phone calls from one particular person who had caused me undue pain and suffering for months, and now they inflicted the last final insult by taking her away and her never coming back.

I'm just waiting and praying that something wonderful is happening instead, though the definition of "wonderful" may be interpreted in completely different ways.