2 years ago today I watched my wife go

[Jemiga70]

I was immediately compelled to dive into the  metaphysical because I needed answers.

For 2 years I've been studying the metaphysical. Religion had no answers for me. It brought me zero comfort. Grew up Catholic but rejected the Christian churches long ago, though I do have a friend in Jesus. Traditional counseling would bring me zero comfort, a waste of time and money. No, I needed to see if there was evidence to support the idea that our consciousness (soul / spirit) survives the death of the physical body. I needed to find out what the hell happened to my beautiful wife. Where did she go?

Had my first and only reading with a medium in March via Zoom. I found the medium from a respected nonprofit - Forever Family Foundation. I had no doubts about the medium's skills or ethics. Still, to satisfy my skepticism I booked under an assumed name and email address. The medium never had my phone number. I used my friend's credit card to pay for the session 1 hour before it began. There's nothing on the internet to connect my friend with me or with my wife's passing.

The medium sent me a link to connect. My camera was off for the Zoom session. My Zoom name was fake. I did not tell her who I was hoping to hear from. She asked me to spell my name. At this point I told her it was my middle name, and then I told her my actual first name and spelled it. This is all the info she had.

She told me to respond with only "yes / no / I don't know / I don't remember." I was careful not to share any more than necessary. Certainly the medium was not fishing and I was not feeding.

ANY YET . . . she told me things she couldn't have possibly known. There is no way she got lucky guessing. How on earth could she have told me - among other things - my wife's name, no hesitation, no fishing, no cues from me? How could she have told me something about my wife's coworker that I did not know at the time but later made sense of?

I've since found great comfort in the books channeled by medium Anthony Borgia from the late Monsignor Robert Hugh Benson, including "Life in the World Unseen."

I've found comfort here, reading and posting. I know that all of us here understand the hell of losing our special one. Nobody in my circle truly understands it because they've never lived it.

I'm slowly moving forward. The tears are no longer every day - but there still are tears, make no mistake, and there will be tears forever I'm sure. I will always miss her  physical being. There is no getting over that for me.

I've moved apartments. I've moved countries! My job is in limbo. I care about keeping my job but trying to defer to God's wisdom.

I'm living with my elderly parents in a city in the middle of nowhere. Maybe they need me as much as I need them?

I can read more than a paragraph and retain it - albeit these are books dealing with evidence to support a rational belief in an afterlife. Should I try my hand at fiction I'd be lost.

I've done things I never thought I'd do on my own. I am stronger than I think. I'm getting stronger, an inch, a minute, at a time.

There is still no plan for the future. No purpose. No ambition. Nothing feels right. My brain is not to be trusted. My brain is only useful for tying shoelaces, making pasta. I trust only my gut.

I'm still waiting for the life insurance claim to be settled. Two years later! When you're dealing with communist liars you could well wait a lifetime - that's become clear to me now. Don't trust a word from communists or their sycophantic bootlickers.

And . . . the apathy is all encompassing. This, I've come to accept, has nothing to do with KNOWING that my beautiful wife is perfectly fine on the other side. My apathy is my own business, not hers. I believe she honors how I'm grieving.

I'm getting better at accepting that I can know she is fine over there AND I can feel rudderless here - for now. These realities can coexist. I don't like it but that's how it is. For now.

[KayC]

4 hours ago, Jemiga70 said:

I do have a friend in Jesus.

This is what's important, not church/religion, yet I do have one as it's my extended family here.  Not perfect, but a connection to being part of something bigger than just me.  I feel the same with my neighbors, they mean a lot to me.

[DWS]

5 hours ago, Jemiga70 said:

I've found comfort here, reading and posting. I know that all of us here understand the hell of losing our special one. Nobody in my circle truly understands it because they've never lived it.

My heart goes out to you today. These are the most important dates on our calendar now and cause us a lot of anxiety and anguish all  the days before. The "others" don't have a clue about any of this and sadly, as time passes, we clue in to their apathy. We begin to harbour our emotions rather than risk getting any side-eye from those in our orbit.

I know, for me, I still note the 23rd of each month because that marks off another month without my partner. Some might ask "why continually focus on something like that?" but it's what my heart recognizes and needs right now. Maybe these markers of time for us serve some positive purpose...showing our determination to carry forward while also keeping them forever in our hearts. Probably the truest testament of love's power. 

[KayC]

It's not a matter of focusing on it, it comes to us unbidden.  Let them lose their spouse and see how they do with it!  And note, not everyone's loss is the same just as not every marriage is the same.

[RichS]

On 5/4/2023 at 3:46 AM, Jemiga70 said:

There is still no plan for the future. No purpose. No ambition. Nothing feels right. 

And . . . the apathy is all encompassing.

Those two statements kind of sum up how I feel these days. Functioning, but just going through the motions. I do take seriously one thing: Care taking. My psychologist friend visited me last week. Among other things he asked me is where I see myself one year from now. Five years from now. If this was a job interview I would have come up with an answer to please the interviewer; but I couldn't to my friend. I was answering honestly..........I don't know. Maybe in a year or two I will, but not right now.

[KayC]

It took me many years...at least five, it took me ten to find my purpose.

[KayC]

Stay in today, Gator.