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Help Me Know If I am On The Right Path Or Not


mrsduc

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Well another night of not being able to sleep good. But tonight was alittle different. I had a dream about the last day I was in Robert's apartment after helping to clean it out and I was sitting on his box spring that had been left which happened to be the side he died and laid there for two weeks. I just was taking everything in so quietly and still able to spell him and all of a sudden I heard his voice so clearly and he said to me "Mom I 'm sorry, but i had to do it." I did not ask anymore questions I did not speak at all. I just broke down. Now in the dream this morning I tried to speak to him and tell him I loved him and I understood but my brain made me wake up before I could tell the outcome. I hope that it is the only time that I will be able to hear from him. I would treasure anything more from him. Is this being greedy, I am sure it is, but I just do not care. As his mother I need to know that he really is alright and not just dead. But for some reason I am being blocked from him. I am now having a hard time going down the stairs and turning to my left where the curio cabinet is because hat is were Robert is. I know as I am walking down that he is there but there still is a part of me that wants to turn and not see him there so that I know it is not true. He is missed more from me today then yesterday. Please tell me what can I do to help me get out of bed and do just anything during the day. I know that I am only exsisting and I do know that Robert would not want that but at the same time I feel so empty and dead inside with so much pain that I feel like at any minute Iam going to expliode from the inside out and I have no control over my enmotions. One minute I can pretend to people that all is fine and the next minute I am not a very nice person that can say things that are nasty. I jsut have no choice over myself. I then have so many physical pains that some I had before Robert's death but now even more. I have to have eye surgery because the right eye duct is clogged, my back, which I have two bad disc in my lower back is hurting so bad that it makes it hard to sleep. My head hurts so badly everyday that I would not call a headache so I do not know How to explain it to myself let alone to the doctor.. They have found a small node in my right lower breast and 10 cysts in my left breast. They found two polyps in my lower colon and want me to have a complete colonoscopy. Just feel like my hole body and world is falling apart. And the biggest thing is I am tired all the time. I look at what is going on with my body and just don't care about myself. Robert meant alot to me but I need to start carrying about me and my health, but i do not know how to get out of this dark painful whole that I live in.

My ex has invited me and my husband over for Easter so that I can see my granddaughter. I he told me that he was not happy the way our other two boys were treating me and I thought it was nice of him. At first my husband and i talked about not going, but then we decided that we would go and enjoy alittle bit of time with our granddaughter that we are not allowed in her life. She is now a week away from being 9 months old an she does not know me. i saw her at the memorial service and everytime I tried to hold her she would cry. But the people I do not want to see is my ex in-laws. But I will hold my head up high and put up with it for as long as I can and try to teach my other two boys that I am not this person that these people have tried so hard to brain wash them about me. I know one trip is not going to do it and my husband is upset that we have to go to a holiday dinner with the ex family but he is so willing to make me happy to see our granddaughter. She means so much to me because I had three boys and I always wanted a girl and my boys have known that. But they also know that I would never change them for a girl. I love my boys but how long do you keep trying to get them to want you into their life and keep getting turned down. It is another thing that stresses me so.. But I am very lucky that I have a husband that is not jealous and that knows he has no fear about I can still have feelings for my ex only because he was the father of my boys and also we are both grieving for our son. So to me I do have one great thing in my life, my husband. I bought a nicce soft stuffed bunny for my granddaughter then I found this very soft stuffed yellow bunny (my husband wants her to call him grandpa duc, because my husband name is Donald and we call him Duc without the k) and then I got her a glow warm that lights up and sings lullabys. I wanted to buy her more especially clothes but I have no idea her size or her likes. So I just kept it simple. I hope I am doing the right thing. But I do know that Robert want so that the family would stop fighting and he hated that Chris (my youngest son) would have nothing to do with me and kept his daughter away from me. So I just feel like maybe Robert might have something to do with this. But my husband and I have made a sign for each other so if it is too uncomfortable for me or him that we will just leave. Since my husband had a very bad accident last Valentine's day and almost died and almost lost his left leg he has been in pain ever since. So he said that he would just say that his leg hurts and we will leave. I think that is very sweet of him. But why then can;t I be excited about any of this. I have to go to the doctor today for my pre op tests that need to be done so that I can have surgery on my eye. Which makes no sense to me since I just had a physical three weeks ago. But I guess it is just another person that wants money. I am sorry to ramble, but this is everything that is going on with me and as you can see that has alot to do why I cannot sleep. My brain is my worst enemy and boy is it attacking me along with my broken torn up heart. It just wares me out. If anyone has any advice I will try to do anything, but no guarentee that I will have the strength. Heck I barely eat, just enough to survive and nothing more. I just don;t have an appetite at all. People say that I am in the early stages of this new life that I will be on the rest of my life. I did not ask for this new life. My life has not been a pleasent one but for the first time it was starting to fall into place and I was truely happy with Robert and our relationship and having my husband. I did not take any of that for granted because I told them both how i felt for them almost everyday. And Robert told me too how much I meant to him. So I have no regrets on not saying something to him. But i just don't understand why when I was finally getting happy it was taken away. Am I not allowed in this life to be happy? I guess so. I know it was Robert's time to die because if it had not been he woulld not of died, but it also tells me that God knew how it would effect me and he knew how Robert and I had worked so hard to get to the relationship taht we had so I feel like God was too selfish and only cared about having my son and taking him out of his pain and misery and torment, then the pain and anguish and emptiness it would cause me. I do not understand any of that and I do not know how to understand it. I found out from a so called friend who never had kids herself that everything I have spoken about today I had said to her in an email and she told me I had Satan in me and that I needed to only think of the good times that I had with Robert and move on. Sure I think of the good times with Robert especially when I went to CA this past Sept. but then I am sad that there will never be any more good times or phone calls. this so called friend who is also a christian and is my first cousins wife who helped me with funeral arrangements when my mom died almost 5 years ago, thinks that I need to get Robert's urn out of my house that it is keeping evil spirits in my house and that she keeps telling me that as long as his urn is there I will never be able to move on. And she thinks that I am being stupid thinking constantly about Robert being dead and dwelling on the fact that it hurts me so that my son laid in his apartment with his dogs for two weeks before he was found. It kills me inside that no one seemed to notice that he was not walking his dogs. Well this so called friend my cousins wife just tells me that as long as I think all these negative thoughts that I am allowing Satan in and it is Satan that is bringing all these thoughts into my head and that I need to fight all of this. I was so pissed after reading her email. How can someone tell me all of this who has never had a child of their own. Maybe I could understand and maybe except her words if she had a child and lost one. But I am so upset with her and I don't want to talk to her and I do not know if I should confront her or not because she is constantly calling me and emailing and texting me about her lousy life. I usually don't answer her.

Thanks everyone for listening. And if anyone here wants to tell me I am off in anyway, I will listen for you have been where I am. I want any suggestions that might help me. I just need to know if all I am thinking is normal for where I am after 3 months tomorrow Robert had died and then on the 17th it will be 3 months that he was found and the it will be 3 months at 5:50am on the 18th was when I found out from my ex that Robert was died. So I have so many different days to morn.

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Linda,That is so wonderful about the dream. Yes, I believe it was Robert. I had one and only one dream a week after Rachael died and I know it was real. Treasure it as it was your angel comforting you. Everything for the Easter celebration sounds wonderful, and yes, I agree that you have a special husband and you are blessed. Also, the cousin's wife is whacked. I am sorry, but she has her own issues. Anyone that is so crass and insensitive to tell a grieving mother the things she has told you is simply not dealing with a full deck. So yes, I think you should tell her that the things she is telling you are hurtful and insenitive. Tell her this Bible verse. Romans 12:15. Rejoice with those who rejoice, and weep with those who weep. Tell her SHE is the one who is listening to Satan and she needs to heed that Bible verse. So Linda, you must stick up for yourself and stop letting someone inflict emotional pain on you, because you are in a fragile state. Linda, you are in the beginning stages of grief and this is it. You do sound depressed, and for me, at the 6 month mark I went on depression medication and stayed on it for 3 years, or I don't think I coul have survived. It will be a year in May that I stopped taking it. I did not deal with it in the beginning as the pain was so great I could not face it. You are grieving and everything you are doing is normal. You are a mother and struggling to move on, which is normal. We morph into someone different after our child dies and so you are experiencing that. The death of the old you in some ways is what is happening. I have a busy day ahead, and must go, but hope you will be comforted to know that you are not alone and people do care. Take comfort in what Robert told you in your dream. He is OK now and he still loves you. The love never dies.~~~~~~~MADDY

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