I'm Still So Sad

[shea19]

I'm new here and I don't quite know what to say. My only child, a 37 yr. old daughter, died on October 19, 2011. I kissed her goodnight, told her I loved her, and when I went to wake her in the morning, she had passed on. It was hysteria. I was screaming for help and all the time knowing she was gone even though she was still warm. We called 911 and the operator kept telling me to turn her over and put my foot in her chest and do compressions. She fell out of the bed as I tried to turn her and we could not get her turned over. The paramedics arrived and I stood in the corner until they asked me to leave the room.

My daughter suffered with a serious case of bipolar disorder. Her meds did not always work and she had rapid cycling bipolar. The night before she passed we all knew something was wrong but she refused to go to the hospital. The plan was that my brother and I were taking her to her outpatient group that she attended each morning for 2 hours to find out what they could do to help. We never made it to that meeting. I feel guilty. I should have done something, anything, and she would be here now. The Death Certificate states she died of a Polypharmicuetical Overdose, meaning she died from an overdose of her meds prescribed by her psychiatrist. I had given her the last dose of her meds before she died. I feel as if I killed her. We had checked her meds and knew she was not taking her meds right, forgetting them and doubling up on them by mistake, or just taking them at the wrong time. I had gotten her pill holder straightened out and then gave her night time meds. I don't know what to do. I fel I am being punished for something horrible I must have done in my life.

My daughter was raised by me, being abandoned by her father at age 4. He completely disappeared from everyone's life about 10 years ago while working in Russia. I couldn't even get in touch with him to notify him of her death. She had me and my family as most of her father's family abandoned her also. Her life was a very sad life after the bipolar got so bad in her twenties. She had no friends, spent each day with me, and was on disability due to the severity of her illness. She never let on that she was unhappy and brought me great joy. I am so miserable without her. I know my life will never be the same. I try to take care of what I need to do but I am in a fog and just going through the motions.

The lives of those around me are going on as normal while I am stuck in this nightmare of knowing I will never see my child again until I get to Heaven and that seems so far away. I can't hate God because I need Him more than ever. I feel scared of everything because now I know that the most horrible things can happen in the blink oof an eye. I wake up and don't want to face another day without her in it. How do I go on. People are tired of my sadness so I pretend to be okay. Then I am exhausted by the charade and go to bed at 6pm just to get the day over with.

What can I do to get thru this. I feel like I am slowly dying.

Shea's mama