Lost

[Cloverluver6]

On February 25, 2012 my fiance was in a motorcycle accident. He had sever head trauma that left him in a coma for 6 days until I made the decision to take him off life support. He died 16 minutes later on March 1, 2012 at which time I donated his organs and walked out of the hospital and have never been the same. He leaves behind myself, my 16 and 14 year old daughters and 6 year old son. Along with many other family 1000 miles away that he really didn't have anything to do with. We moved to Texas from Wisconsin 6 months ago to start a new life. He had found a job before we left and everything was going according to our "plan". He was a big softball player and played a tournament game in the morning on 2/25/2012 and came home in between games to watch our son's first soccer game. He left the soccer game, kissed me goodbye told me he loved me and said he would see me in about an hour because my son and I were meeting him at his game. 15 minutes late my phone rang from his cell phone with a woman asking me if I knew whose phone this was. And here I sit 4 weeks later not knowing just where I fit in. People came from Wisconsin while he was in the hospital and I took the kids back "home" for a week while they were on spring break. The thought of being alone was a little too much for me at that time. We are now all back home in Texas and everybody has seemed to go back to their lives, and I don't have one to go back to.

I struggle everyday with what do I do now? My "job" has been the kids. That is why we moved down here to begin with. My 6 year old has some special needs and Texas has a much better educational program than Wisconsin. The 6 year old is another story all together, but the short of it is I was babysitting him and his sister when he was 2. The mother came back 10 months later wanting only the sister back and not him. He was born without a tongue which prevented him from talking. We didn't have to think twice about keeping him. Taught him sing language and had his tongue fixed. He has come so far and loved his "Dad" more than anything in the world. That was almost 5 years ago. I look at him and it breaks my heart even more. I just don't know what to do now? We had so many plans.

I hurt every day missing his smile, touch and the way he looked at me. Never a day went by that I didn't know that he loved me. I get up everyday, get the children off to school, and do the things that I am expected to do. But I hate every minute of it. Everybody keeps telling me to focus on the kids they will keep me strong. And I do. But I don't want to. The pain is so intense and I keep praying that if I do what I am supposed to do every single day, then maybe the pain will become part of my routine. But it just isn't happening. I'm so lost! From the minute he got home from work til the minute we went to bed, it was family time. I have lost my family. I just want it back. To make matters worse, we had finally decided to get married on March 17, 2012. We had to keep putting it off due to the adoption and a bout of thyroid cancer on my part. That was all he wanted was my name the same as his. That is the only thing i never gave him. Other than that, there are no regrets. Everyday I knew he loved me as much as he knew I loved him. We didn't have to say it, it was there in our eyes. Friends used to ask "when are you guys going to get out of high school"

The kids are tore up and I called to set up counseling appointments for all of us, but they don't want to see any of us until 2-3 months after the death because it is too fresh. I cannot think past today, to even begin to think about 2 to 3 months from now. But I made the appointment anyways because I know it is the right thing to do. I just don't know how to get over this helplessness and pain.

[kathy1961]

On February 25, 2012 my fiance was in a motorcycle accident. He had sever head trauma that left him in a coma for 6 days until I made the decision to take him off life support. He died 16 minutes later on March 1, 2012 at which time I donated his organs and walked out of the hospital and have never been the same. He leaves behind myself, my 16 and 14 year old daughters and 6 year old son. Along with many other family 1000 miles away that he really didn't have anything to do with. We moved to Texas from Wisconsin 6 months ago to start a new life. He had found a job before we left and everything was going according to our "plan". He was a big softball player and played a tournament game in the morning on 2/25/2012 and came home in between games to watch our son's first soccer game. He left the soccer game, kissed me goodbye told me he loved me and said he would see me in about an hour because my son and I were meeting him at his game. 15 minutes late my phone rang from his cell phone with a woman asking me if I knew whose phone this was. And here I sit 4 weeks later not knowing just where I fit in. People came from Wisconsin while he was in the hospital and I took the kids back "home" for a week while they were on spring break. The thought of being alone was a little too much for me at that time. We are now all back home in Texas and everybody has seemed to go back to their lives, and I don't have one to go back to.

I struggle everyday with what do I do now? My "job" has been the kids. That is why we moved down here to begin with. My 6 year old has some special needs and Texas has a much better educational program than Wisconsin. The 6 year old is another story all together, but the short of it is I was babysitting him and his sister when he was 2. The mother came back 10 months later wanting only the sister back and not him. He was born without a tongue which prevented him from talking. We didn't have to think twice about keeping him. Taught him sing language and had his tongue fixed. He has come so far and loved his "Dad" more than anything in the world. That was almost 5 years ago. I look at him and it breaks my heart even more. I just don't know what to do now? We had so many plans.

I hurt every day missing his smile, touch and the way he looked at me. Never a day went by that I didn't know that he loved me. I get up everyday, get the children off to school, and do the things that I am expected to do. But I hate every minute of it. Everybody keeps telling me to focus on the kids they will keep me strong. And I do. But I don't want to. The pain is so intense and I keep praying that if I do what I am supposed to do every single day, then maybe the pain will become part of my routine. But it just isn't happening. I'm so lost! From the minute he got home from work til the minute we went to bed, it was family time. I have lost my family. I just want it back. To make matters worse, we had finally decided to get married on March 17, 2012. We had to keep putting it off due to the adoption and a bout of thyroid cancer on my part. That was all he wanted was my name the same as his. That is the only thing i never gave him. Other than that, there are no regrets. Everyday I knew he loved me as much as he knew I loved him. We didn't have to say it, it was there in our eyes. Friends used to ask "when are you guys going to get out of high school"

The kids are tore up and I called to set up counseling appointments for all of us, but they don't want to see any of us until 2-3 months after the death because it is too fresh. I cannot think past today, to even begin to think about 2 to 3 months from now. But I made the appointment anyways because I know it is the right thing to do. I just don't know how to get over this helplessness and pain.

Hi Cloverluver6, I'm new here too and recently lost my husband (Feb 24) so I don't have any advice. I'm still struggling too. I wanted to tell you that I think its great you and your fiance adopted the little boy and took such good care of him. I also know what you mean about the "lost" feeling. I feel almost paralyzed at times, unable to think or act. I was surprised the counselors wouldn't see you sooner.