The new Life

[mrsduc]

I went along in life just trying to make the bills and be kind to others and tried very hard not to step on anyones toes and I especially told the ones I loved how much they meant to me and how much I loved them. Then all of a sudden I was put on this ride that went around in a circle of regular life. Spinning from the outside out of control. But when you are put on that ride (the ride of loosing a child) it does not seem you are going in a circle, but it is the most frightening and scary ride that you could ever imagine. And the more you beg and plead to get off it is like it gets worse. Then after awhile you realize you are stuck on this ride for the rest of your life and it will now be your new way. It is not a happy comfortable ride. It makes you sick and makes you cry and makes you sometimes throw up, but still the ride will not stop. But the regular world as we knew it we can see the people that we know that are not allowed on this ride watching us and trying to grab us off this maddening ride, but they just are not able or allowed. And they do not seem to understand why we were put on this ride. And we look at the life that our friends are in and see the old life road and know that we are not excepted in that road anymore, but not wanting to be on this road of a ride that was only meant for us. So that is where I am and wonder if anyone else feels this way.

[tobyfreefoot]

I went along in life just trying to make the bills and be kind to others and tried very hard not to step on anyones toes and I especially told the ones I loved how much they meant to me and how much I loved them. Then all of a sudden I was put on this ride that went around in a circle of regular life. Spinning from the outside out of control. But when you are put on that ride (the ride of loosing a child) it does not seem you are going in a circle, but it is the most frightening and scary ride that you could ever imagine. And the more you beg and plead to get off it is like it gets worse. Then after awhile you realize you are stuck on this ride for the rest of your life and it will now be your new way. It is not a happy comfortable ride. It makes you sick and makes you cry and makes you sometimes throw up, but still the ride will not stop. But the regular world as we knew it we can see the people that we know that are not allowed on this ride watching us and trying to grab us off this maddening ride, but they just are not able or allowed. And they do not seem to understand why we were put on this ride. And we look at the life that our friends are in and see the old life road and know that we are not excepted in that road anymore, but not wanting to be on this road of a ride that was only meant for us. So that is where I am and wonder if anyone else feels this way.

Then after awhile you realize you are stuck on this ride for the rest of your life and it will now be your new way. that is the worst realization. i remember some months ago posting on facebook. how long, how long? my daughter calling and saying i'm so sorry mom, i saw your post and knew what you were talking about. i don't want to leave my other children causing them more grief but do we seriously have to do this for years? also i saw your other post. i did not know you had a video. oh my god how heartbreaking. i am so sorry. it must be so sad for you to watch but also very kind he left you a message. i know he loves you so very much. i am still so sorry. i feel like i can't abandon my other children because i would like to join my son too. i heard a 92 year old man say one day he would be buried next to his wife and he would be happy. the interviewer said but you'll be dead and he said "we were unconscious all those nights we slept side by side and it was comforting." i will be buried next to my son so at least i have that to look forward to. am i sounding crazy?

[mrsduc]

First thank you so much for understanding and commenting on my post. You are not crazy but lucky that you know you will be next to your son when you die. I cannot have that because my son was cremated. I think about that alot too. What to do with the sealed urn when I die. what will happen to my sons ashes and what is the right thing to do with him befoe I die. It brings me comfort for I take his urn out of the curio cabinet and hold him and talk to him and cry and kiss it and then when I am ready I put him back into the curio cabinet in my living room. The suicide video is the best thing that has happened for me since his death. I cry when I watch it but I also am able to laugh for some of the video lets you see Robert;s funny side. He was such a wonderful funny person. I love it because it lets me know that if I should ever forget that Robert loved me or doubt it in years to come, I can watch this video and know that he did love me and did not blame me and he said nothing but good things about me and our relationship. Most of what he had said was things that we told each other almost every day. We were that kind of mother and son. we spoke from the heart and soul and never let anything stay unsaid, good and bad. I miss that relationship that we had. I hardly keep my cell phone on anymore because he was the one that would call me on it and it was the reason I got a cell phone in the first place so that he did not have to use his minutes to call me. I feel I have no need for one now. Anyway I wanted to let you knnow that I do not think you are crazy at all. Thanks for sharing and please keep sharing with me. It does helpt to hear from you and others and their child that you and others have lost. It helps me to see that even though you and others do not know my son you and others seem to know and understand my pain and that does help me alot. thanks

Then after awhile you realize you are stuck on this ride for the rest of your life and it will now be your new way. that is the worst realization. i remember some months ago posting on facebook. how long, how long? my daughter calling and saying i'm so sorry mom, i saw your post and knew what you were talking about. i don't want to leave my other children causing them more grief but do we seriously have to do this for years? also i saw your other post. i did not know you had a video. oh my god how heartbreaking. i am so sorry. it must be so sad for you to watch but also very kind he left you a message. i know he loves you so very much. i am still so sorry. i feel like i can't abandon my other children because i would like to join my son too. i heard a 92 year old man say one day he would be buried next to his wife and he would be happy. the interviewer said but you'll be dead and he said "we were unconscious all those nights we slept side by side and it was comforting." i will be buried next to my son so at least i have that to look forward to. am i sounding crazy?

[luvvanurse]

what an accurate description. i have been on that ride for 3 years, it slows down some and on occasion it stops for a short time, but starts up again with a jolt.

julie

[mrsduc]

Yes that is true, but it is like we know we are not allowed off the ride even when it slows down even enough for us to jump off. Some people look at us from the outside and do not understand why we don't jump off when we are able to when it does seem to slow down, but it is like we are glued to that ride and we just can't go back to that other world again. And some people who do not understand will either stand by us or completely leave us for not understanding why we continue on this horribable mean ride that we are on. Atleast that is how I feel. Thanks for sharing

what an accurate description. i have been on that ride for 3 years, it slows down some and on occasion it stops for a short time, but starts up again with a jolt.

julie

[Maddy6]

I too identify with your description of the ride.The ride will not let me off either. We are all trapped on it. Then I come here and find all of you. You who know my pain. And I am reminded that I can go on. To honor my daughter I need to have courage and move on. I need to show strength when I am not strong. I need, for the sake of my other children and husband. That is what Rachael would want me to do. I love you Rachael, and we all miss you so very much. We wish you had not left us so soon. I will be strong for your brothers and I will carry you in my heart forever.