Do Others Have This Problem

[mrsduc]

I got the rest of Robert's suicide video today. It was so nice and painful to watch. But it looks like he made this video on Dec. 22nd but did not kill himself until Jan. 4th. So all that time he was in so much pain and I thought I knew him. He laughed with me and we talked so much but he apparently had made up his mind that he was going to die and he was not going to be talked out of it by me or anyone. But he did say something that made kind of some sense in a weird way. He said that we are put on this earth by GOD and that some people are born with old souls and that are not meant to live like other people to be old. I think of my son and I can kind of see what he meant. He did seem to have an old soul. He had to deal with so much in his short life. He also made me cry when (in a happy kind of way) he said that he loved the song that I would sing to him when he was little and then he sang it "You are my sunshine". I just busted out crying. For each of my boys I had given them a special song that was only meant for them from me. For the life of me I can not remember my middle sons song which upsets me so much. But I can remember Roberts and my youngest sons songs.

i don't know if other people have had this problem but ever since all the memorials were over on Feb. 25th I have been battling one cold or something ever since. And I am a very healthy person. But I guess when you go thru what all of us here our going thru it makes our immune system go down and makes us more likely to get something. I don't know. But I was just wondering if others have had the same thing happen to them. Went to the doctor yesterday and not only did I have a medical procedure but my right eye duck was so painful and swollen that he had to treat that first. But now there is a possiblity that I might have cancer. I try not to think about it, but really I just don't have the money or the strength to fight it. You see I have no insurance and the little bit of money that I do have I would rather my husband have for other things. I know that sounds selfish, but I want to be with my son. So to me the chances of me being lucky to have cancer are not good. I know that sounds terrible. But if I had to choose life over death, I would choose death so this pain would stop and I am so tired all my life having to pick myself up. Just tired. Maybe its Robert's death and maybe its because I don't feel good or maybe its a combination, who knows. I just know that Robert meant more to me than my own life and still does. If I could be with him right now and God would let me, then I would with no hestitation. Does that mean I don't love my husband, no. But Robert was my son. I selfishly would love to get to him before his grandparents do. I know I should not say this but I do blame them for him killing himself. I cannot say never because that is a long time, but I don't see me forgiving them anytime soon. They have swept it all under the rug like nothing happened and Robert's name does not get mentioned. That is how they dealt with their own son's death 17 years ago from drug AIDS. Anyway sorry to get off topic. Thanks for listening.

[westleysmom]

I'm so sorry. I know what you mean about forgetting things, sometimes I don't know anything at all. I think we all feel like giving up at some point, and having reduced immunity from the constant crying and grieving is part of it. Taking care of ourselves seems so pointless after we lose a child, but I guess I just keep trying for my daughter and for my husband, Westley's dad. I don't want him to lose me, too. I know its hard and you are in my thoughts. Sending hugs, its all I have.

[Maddy6]

Linda,I am so happy you were finally able to get the video. I know a while back you had said they would not give it to you. I also know it was probably bittersweet. That Robert relayed the song must show that he wanted you to see the video. I would have cried a river when he sang 'you are my sunshine.' I know that is very comforting, yet must have been hard also. I normally never get sick, but in the year after Rachael's death I found I did get sicker than usual. Also, about the memory, I am a little different because I had what was called Katrina amnesia. I would not get my full memory back until last year. But my understanding is that when you incur trauma that memory loss can happen. Also, Linda, I too had a death wish. Then when I came on the site I found out there were many others that felt that same way. I used to secretly wish and pray to get a disease. Then I would feel guilty for the sake of my boys. My husband knew I wished to die and it distressed him greatly. I don't know when the death wish ended, but it did take a while though, maybe a year,or possibly more. Also, I would try not to think of the inlaws getting to Robert first. I don't think you have not necessarily forgiven them, you just realize the destruction they are capable of and want to protect Robert. I do not think that will be an issue in the AfterLife. I believe that heaven will be just that, peaceful and heavenly.Love, Maddy

[davincidanes]

Oh, that is wonderful.... bittersweet, too, that you were finally able to see the video Robert made. I am sure that it answered some of your questions regarding his frame of mind. I just want to touch on the Old Soul comment.

I too, believe that my Sean was an Old Soul who was also and Indigo child..... not meant for this world and not meant to grow old. He was sent here to inspire others in the search for truth and awareness of our divine immortality and belief in the Afterlife. All of us that knew him have always felt that he lived in a different dimension or realm of existance than we did. He touched thousands thru his music and his connection with God, Jesus, and the Holy Spirit. I believe that his "life" here was to learn one of life's final lessons... about pain and addiction and personal suffering, in order to ascend to the higher realms of Heaven. Maybe he was in training to be a Spirit Guide or a Guardian Angel....... I don't know, but I do know his mortal life had purpose, and his spiritual life has been elevated in the presence of God.