can't think

[Cat31761]

I don't even know where to start... My daughter, Jessica died on February 5th and my world just about ended. I live each day normally, but I'm not normal. I don't know how I'm supposed to do this... she's gone, yet I go on. I have her son, who is 4 to keep me going - to go through life like it's okay... because I can cope... but, I can't. Everyone else around me just goes on.

[Susie_q512]

Jessica's Mom - It really hasn't been that long ago that you daughter passed, and yet I know that I seems like an eternity since you saw her, spoke with her, held her. You are still so very early in this new life, and quite possibly still in shock. The magnitude of the loss of a child is too vast to comprehend initially. We hurt as we have never hurt before. Every cell of our being screams and longs for our child, and it seems unbearable, and yet that shock is acting as a buffer....it protects us to some degree from the fullness of the pain. There is disbelief, sometimes a feeling of detachment, as though we are somewhat removed from ourselves, yet still crippled with pain, sorrow, desperation,and anxiety. I am only 6 months into this journey, still very new myself, but I remember so well those first days, weeks and months. The numbness is normal, and continues for quite sometime....I feel that way still.....numb, but hurting so deeply....what a contradiction. Grief is an entity with a life and mind of its own. It takes us and does as it wills with us. We are powerless, often feeling as though we are on an out of control roller coaster that tosses us from one extreme to another over and over again. Everything that you are experiencing is normal to this new life....this new existence. It is too much to take in at once, so it comes and goes, twists and turns, and plummets us into areas of emotion that we never could have imagined existed. We wonder how our hearts continue to beat, how our lungs continue to take in another jagged and painful breath. It is consuming and overwhelming. Going through the motions of living is all we can do, because we are not really living, only existing in this nightmare. Often it is simply surviving one moment, one breath at a time. For me, it seemed that every cell of my body was screaming and longing for my child. It was so very painful, and it s still so very painful,but it has changed somewhat to more of a sadness and loneliness. Six months later and I still feel that it is unreal....that it can't be real. My head understands this reality,but my heart continues to resist. Shock peels away slowly, layer by layer, and in so doing, it brings a new measure of pain.....but this is also part of the process of grief. It stinks, and there is nothing good that I can say or offer because I am still so new to this journey myself. But there are many here who are farther along than us, and they offer much wisdom, guidance, support and comfort. They give hope to us that we will one day find our footing. Please continue to post and tell what you can about your daughter and what you are feeling. Many will reach out to you in love and understanding. Prayers for you tonight.....I am so sorry that you have also lost your child, but glad that you found your way here.

[gardensparrow]

Oh friend~I'm so sorry for your loss. And, it's completely understandable that you're struggling. So, give yourself time to grieve and mourn and don't expect yourself to be "OK." But, do surround yourself with people who can support you during this time and just be there for you when you're feeling like you can't get through the day. Maybe getting in touch with a counselor or a pastor would be a good idea? Someone who's walked others through difficulties like this and can give you some help and encouragement. And, hopefully, you have friends and loved ones you can talk to as well.

Also, I work at Focus on the Family and I noticed they aired a broadcast today called "Coping With the Loss of Loved One." It featured a mom and dad who had also lost their daughter and shared how they found hope in the midst of all the pain they were experiencing. So, maybe it would be worth listening to online if you feel up to it? Just a thought.

Well, you and your grandson are in my prayers. Hang in there, friend.

[Tina Sykes]

I don't even know where to start... My daughter, Jessica died on February 5th and my world just about ended. I live each day normally, but I'm not normal. I don't know how I'm supposed to do this... she's gone, yet I go on. I have her son, who is 4 to keep me going - to go through life like it's okay... because I can cope... but, I can't. Everyone else around me just goes on.

[Tina Sykes]

I am so sorry, the worst thing you can do is feel you have to be okay, I want to share this it gave me the freedom to grieve, Grief is neither a disorder not a healing process, it's a sign of health itself, a whole and natural gesture of love. Nor must we see grief as a step toward something better. No matter how much it hurts and it may be the greatest pain in life, Grief can be an end in itself, a pure expression of love.

God Bless

Tina

[davincidanes]

Jessica's Mom - You are going thru the same things that all of us have. I started this journey just one month earlier than you did with my son passing on Jan. 5. My advice is to try to be gentle on yourself and surround youself with people who are loving and supportive. That's why we are here..... for the love and support that sometimes eludes us from the people we are close to. It is a very difficult journey, but I've come to understand that is what it is. A road to be travelled who's desination is not what we would like it to be - our child back, but we will find a new "normal" and life for us along the way to finding a bit of peace concerning our loss. Hugs to you and I am so sorry that you have had to come here.