Members edwardy0114 Posted March 20, 2012 Members Report Share Posted March 20, 2012 Kathy, my wife died November 16, 2011. We were married for almost 41 years at the time of her death. My life ended as I know it that day as she was 18 and I 19 when we married and being with her is the only life I know. Four months later I wish to share with those that can relate just how brutal losing ones mate is and what I have learned in this time. Since her death, I have denied, dodged, bobbed and weaved trying to avoid the reality that Kathy is gone. I've taken road trips, went into seclusion and anything I could do to try dodging the pain... I've learned nothing works... Since, I have read the writings of widows and widowers on this forum and realized everything I'm feeling is exactly the same as them, unrelenting heartache that just won't go away. The old addage, "You can run, but you can't hide" holds so true to grief. My last attempt at dodging reality I went to Las Vegas on a road trip sight seeing and trying to kick my heals up only to find the ache is still there with the only difference is it's bottled up. On the way home I let go and let it out and I still let it out. There isn't a day that goes by that I don't break down and cry. Sometimes uncontrollably, other times just quite tears but when it's over, the pressure is gone somewhat. I read an article on grief a couple of months ago and I don't know the author but I didn't take it to heart at that time anyway. It used an analogy of a car out of contol in a side swerve and your natural reaction is to turn away from the swerve but to regain control you must turn into it (not a natural reaction). Same with this gut wrenching pain... You can't steer away from it, you have to just go with it... Let it out... I hurt like hell but I'm actually relieved to quit running... I cry and I miss Kathy badly and I don't know how long this will last but I know now the only out is through it. My youngest daughter posted on this forum (Tiffany C.) venting her pain and she is the one that told me of this site. For all of those out there that have lost their mates, we share something that I wouldn't wish on my worst enemy and I like you know what true pain is now. I know that facing this kind of pain head on is brutal but each time it wells up, it also quells just a little after letting out tears and anguish. I've been told the pain will ebb and I'm counting on that. I will miss Kathy for the rest of my life and facing the reality that I won't see her again in this life time is one step (I hope) closer to just feeling.... good. Thanks for letting me write,Ed Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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