For What It's Worth

[edwardy0114]

Kathy, my wife died November 16, 2011. We were married for almost 41 years at the time of her death. My life ended as I know it that day as she was 18 and I 19 when we married and being with her is the only life I know. Four months later I wish to share with those that can relate just how brutal losing ones mate is and what I have learned in this time. Since her death, I have denied, dodged, bobbed and weaved trying to avoid the reality that Kathy is gone. I've taken road trips, went into seclusion and anything I could do to try dodging the pain... I've learned nothing works... Since, I have read the writings of widows and widowers on this forum and realized everything I'm feeling is exactly the same as them, unrelenting heartache that just won't go away. The old addage, "You can run, but you can't hide" holds so true to grief. My last attempt at dodging reality I went to Las Vegas on a road trip sight seeing and trying to kick my heals up only to find the ache is still there with the only difference is it's bottled up. On the way home I let go and let it out and I still let it out. There isn't a day that goes by that I don't break down and cry. Sometimes uncontrollably, other times just quite tears but when it's over, the pressure is gone somewhat. I read an article on grief a couple of months ago and I don't know the author but I didn't take it to heart at that time anyway. It used an analogy of a car out of contol in a side swerve and your natural reaction is to turn away from the swerve but to regain control you must turn into it (not a natural reaction). Same with this gut wrenching pain... You can't steer away from it, you have to just go with it... Let it out... I hurt like hell but I'm actually relieved to quit running... I cry and I miss Kathy badly and I don't know how long this will last but I know now the only out is through it. My youngest daughter posted on this forum (Tiffany C.) venting her pain and she is the one that told me of this site. For all of those out there that have lost their mates, we share something that I wouldn't wish on my worst enemy and I like you know what true pain is now. I know that facing this kind of pain head on is brutal but each time it wells up, it also quells just a little after letting out tears and anguish. I've been told the pain will ebb and I'm counting on that. I will miss Kathy for the rest of my life and facing the reality that I won't see her again in this life time is one step (I hope) closer to just feeling.... good.

Thanks for letting me write,

Ed

[ModKonnie]

Ed,

Thank you for sharing. What you've said is true; you can't run or hide from grief. Getting it out in the open is best way to deal with it. One day, the pain will begin to lessen and you may be able to smile and even laugh at memories of your wonderful life with Kathy.

How are you doing today? Are you finding new routines or hobbies to occupy some time? Are you getting out and talking to people--like perhaps a book group or gym class?

There are many people here who can relate to how you feel. They have lost their soul mate, and they have to learn to continue to move forward. You will find support here.

We will be here for you,

ModKonnie

[edwardy0114]

Today, I hurt... I just miss my wife... I missed the first week of work after Kathy's death and I haven't missed since other than taking days off for escape. Today is the first day I have stayed home as I just didn't want to deal with day to day duties and my boss is very understanding. I guess getting home from work and entering a very quite house that remains like that until you leave the next day for work is cumulative in emotional drain. Today, I am drained.

I have joined a health club and I was working out although it hasn't been enjoyable so I have quit going for now. I will start back now that I have quit running trying to escape from this quagmire I'm in. It's still cold here and as soon as the weather warms I will get the boat and camper out with my daughter and her family. The things we do in the summer are bittersweet as Kathy won't be there and I am sure we will go through the emotion of her not there as we did for Thanksgiving, Christmas, birthdays, and our anniversary, February 27th, (41 years). Next is Kathy's birthday, April 2nd, she would have been 60 years old. I plan to fly down to Florida where she is intered to place flowers on her grave, talk to her (although I know she can't hear me) and cry some more. The upside is I'm going to purchase a motorcycle while there and drive it back to Utah. My son-in-law has a motorcycle so we can ride some this summer.

I do so appreciate the response and I realize by talking about what I feel, it vents pent up emotions and by reading what fellow mourners are feeling maybe you can help them unload a little and unload a little yourself.

Ed