Almost Two Years Now

[jackzedstarchild]

Hello all, I'm Jack. I found this forum completely by accident but I feel I belong here. Nearly two years ago, on 29 March 2010, my wife Avis passed away, at the age of 35. Unfortunately I was not there in her final moments and only learned of it later that day, although I sat bolt upright in bed, unable to sleep, at 3 am that morning which is when it happened. It's not just bad enough that she's gone and so young (although she outlived virtually all doctor's predictions), but that I was not there at the end, we were separated at the time and we never had a chance to reconcile. After all this time I still don't know how to take this, how to handle it, what to tell myself, or what to do--if anything actually even could make any sort of a difference. She was a lovely, beautiful, sweet-natured, sharp lady who'd give you of a heart so large and pure, it's a wonder it fit in her tiny body. Some people have told me I extended her life by falling in love with and marrying her years ago, and I know she saved mine. But I simply cannot forgive myself for walking away from here, even if I wasn't in my right mind (I'd had a breakdown, suicide attempts, in and out of hospitals, shelters, etc, substance abuse related, hopped all over the country, tried to get together with other women later on). What do I do? Is there anything that can make this easier? Do I deserve to torment myself for how things went? What could she be thinking from the afterlife? How can anyone even guess? I just don't know what to say or do anymore and any insight would be appreciated.

[ModKonnie]

Jack,

I am sorry for the loss of your precious love. Are you eaten up from guilt about your behavior? Are you afraid she didn't forgive you? If so, was that truly the kind of person she was, or would she have forgiven you and been more concerned for you that you were for yourself?

We all behave and do things we shouldn't. We all make mistakes, and sometimes the timing is awful. But you can't in any way take back what happened and the fact that you weren't there when she died.

What you can do is move forward and start to forgive yourself. Have you considered writing her a letter pouring your heart out and telling her everything you've been wanting to say for the past two years? Well, try it. It will help. When you finish the letter, you can either tuck it away, or sometimes, people will have a private little ceremony at the grave or memorial site and then light the letter on fire and "let it go" both figuratively and literally.

We will be here for you.

ModKonnie

[jackzedstarchild]

Thanks for your kind words. I am guilty as hell, and it tortures me everyday. She was the real and true love of my life, and I walked out on her. We all knew she'd die young and this was hard enough to take but that additional part of it makes it well-nigh unbearable.

I think, ultimately, that Avis has forgiven me. I have reason to believe she's very concerned about me now..

I am a writer and I actually wrote a poem on what would have been her 37th birthday, last September--ironically my birthday, hers and our anniversary were all within a three week period--a 21 page page apology and lament as well as a celebration of her and what she meant to me. I hope to one day present it to her somehow, and have thougt of leaving it at her gravesite. I have not decided whether or not to publish it. Writing this did make it easier but it's still rough everyday.

I will continue to find ways to help me deal with this, and thanks again for your feedback.

Jack

[ModKonnie]

Jack,

After 19 years of marriage, my friend walked out on her husband. He had developed a terminal lung disease, and that issue along with other serious ones in their marriage was too much for her to handle.

It was devastating to him, but he did forgive her. I know this because we talked about it all the time. It also devastated her, and she suffered some pretty tough emotional times because of it. In the end, they both managed to find peace with the way their situation ended, and she was able to let go of the guilt she suffered.

Once you have found a way to forgive yourself--then let that guilt go and stop taking it back. You weren't responsible for her passing, and she knew how you were.

So you think she is now worried about you? Is there a reason why she should be worried?

Do you think some professional counseling would help you resolve your guilt and others grieving issues?

ModKonnie

[jackzedstarchild]

This is similar to what happened between Avis and myself. When I walked away, no, I was not in my right mind. I was burnt-out and hollowed out, rightly or wrongly, after years of helping care for her. She had brittle bones, was wheelchair bound, and needed help with certain things. For most of this time I was able to overlook all of that and treat her like the best friend, confidant, lover, muse, the woman she was and so wanted to be. But I developed a really bad addiction and I also had so many things I'd never been able to deal with properly, and I started to even resent her. I never had any right to do that as none of this was her fault. But, nonetheless, that is what happened, and eventually, the system snapped. I left the home in February of 2009 while she was recuperating in a nursing home, after an accident, and after I'd already more or less started to fall apart. Leaving was not my complete choice; her family decided she'd be better off without my various issues dragging her down. Thus, I felt abandoned and betrayed, and this only made matters worse. I resolved to leave and that was going to be that. What I did not realize was how powerful and important the love we had, and the bond we shared, really was. by the time I came to my senses, as much as I ever did, she had heard enough of my wavering. She did not want to get hurt anymore. My final stand with her was to be the day I learned of her passing, which is surreal in itself.

At Christmas of 2010, about 9 months after her passing, I reconciled with her family and they gave me several trunks full of her personal items. Among them were a couple of journals, which after much deliberation I decided to read. I needed insight. In there she wrote about how badly she'd been hurt by me leaving, yet, how she still loved me, but in her words, "love just wasn't enough." I don't know if that's the most accurate way to put it, but it does make sense. I remember saying to someone, "I feel like the biggest villain on earth. How could I do this to her?" Now, one can make all the rationalizations about how bad off I was when this was all going on. I know it all and accept it at least on its face. Yes, things were bad. Some have argued that maybe my leaving made it somehow easier on her, as she had her own tremendous issues. I don't know. I don't truly know what to think.

All I know is that her loss did teach me something. When you have someone you love, stick by them as much as you can. Don't just walk away because it's "too difficult" or "just because." Let that person know how much you really care. Rebuild burned bridges where you can. Try not to hold grudges. You never know when someone won't be around anymore.

Insofar as therapy or counseling, I'm all for the idea. I just have not yet managed to connect to someone in my area who specializes in this. I believe Avis, wherever she may be now, is concerned about me, because I think she knows how hurt and guilt-ridden I truly am. No, I did not cause her passing. But I should have done something, whatever that something was, differently than I did.

Jack