Faking on the Outside Hurting on the Inside

[mrsduc]

Well today is the month since my son was found dead in his apartment. I feel like someone is riping my heart completely out again. SO fresh for me. I know that everyone here and others have told me that it will take time. I can logically understand that but that is where it stops. The rest of me just is in so much pain and screaming inside that no this can't be true and I want my son back and please tell me how to believe this is true. I have so much going on inside of me that I feel so tired all the time. I eat because I am suppose to. But I am a zombie inside but I act the part that everything is ok to the out side world. But today I know that I will not be able to denie my feelings of missing my son. I remember so many fun times and it makes me laugh. But then I get so sad because I know that there will never be anymore fun and great times with him again. That is what gets me. Not the memories for they make me happy its just knowing that there will be no more. That is what I am struggling with in my pain. I told Robert this past Sept. that if he was not my son and if he was not gay and I was younger I would want him as my partner. He thought that was great. He told me thank you and that he was honored that I felt that way. He did not take it a gross. I was not coming onto my son, so please don't think that. But I did think my son was handsome, but I love not only the outside but the inside of him. I wish he was here and I wish that I could feel his present. But so far I am not able to feel anything. I have 56 days til I go on this cruise to the Bahamas that Robert was suppose to go with us. Everyone else is so happy and excited about it and they keep telling me that this might be just what I need. But to be honest I feel nothing for this trip. Not that I feel like if I have fun then it would be wrong because Robert would be forgotten or something like that. No that is not it, I just feel like getting into a hole and never come out. I do not want to be without my son and I do not know what to do. My whole foundation of myself has been shaken to the core and I do not know how to get it so it will be fixed so I am able to move on from this grief. And except that he is gone from me forever. That is where I am stuck.

This was one of the best days that Robert and I had this past Sept. He knew that I was so afraid of heights but he got me on the ferris wheel and got me with talking to me to calm down and start to enjoy it. I love those pictures, and that is what I mean when I said above that I will never have anymore of these kind of days. And that about kills me inside. I was rob so many years of his life and we were manly talking on the phone relationship. This was the first time I had seen him in over a year when he came back for his little brother's wedding. But we did not have any time to talk. And before that it had been 3 years and before that I know it had been years again. We did not have alot of seeing times together, but we sure had alot of phone time that allowed us to struggle with the past and work on learning to move on from what was done to both of us and learn to know each other again and never stop loving each other thru it all. But that has been the last 2 1/2 years. We had been trying since he was 18teen but we both did not know where to begin and Robert was so young and not ready to hear my side. But in time and my unconditional love for him he came around and then we would butt heads and he would be gone for along time refusing to talk to me when I would reach out. But then he got older and wiser and he decided that we needed to get thru all of that had happened to him and me during the seporation and that is when we really worked on our relationship 2 and 1/2 years ago. He and I have always been honest with each other even if it hurt the other. Not meaning to hurt the other but if one asked a question the other would not lie and try and make it softer than the truth was. That is what I mean. But anyway I miss him so much. And watching the little bit of videos I have and some pictures makes me smile but makes me cry knowing there will never be anymore pictures or videos or visits or phone conversations again. And that is what is making me stand still in pain and want to be in that hole.

[cas1984]

Well today is the month since my son was found dead in his apartment. I feel like someone is riping my heart completely out again. SO fresh for me. I know that everyone here and others have told me that it will take time. I can logically understand that but that is where it stops. The rest of me just is in so much pain and screaming inside that no this can't be true and I want my son back and please tell me how to believe this is true. I have so much going on inside of me that I feel so tired all the time. I eat because I am suppose to. But I am a zombie inside but I act the part that everything is ok to the out side world. But today I know that I will not be able to denie my feelings of missing my son. I remember so many fun times and it makes me laugh. But then I get so sad because I know that there will never be anymore fun and great times with him again. That is what gets me. Not the memories for they make me happy its just knowing that there will be no more. That is what I am struggling with in my pain. I told Robert this past Sept. that if he was not my son and if he was not gay and I was younger I would want him as my partner. He thought that was great. He told me thank you and that he was honored that I felt that way. He did not take it a gross. I was not coming onto my son, so please don't think that. But I did think my son was handsome, but I love not only the outside but the inside of him. I wish he was here and I wish that I could feel his present. But so far I am not able to feel anything. I have 56 days til I go on this cruise to the Bahamas that Robert was suppose to go with us. Everyone else is so happy and excited about it and they keep telling me that this might be just what I need. But to be honest I feel nothing for this trip. Not that I feel like if I have fun then it would be wrong because Robert would be forgotten or something like that. No that is not it, I just feel like getting into a hole and never come out. I do not want to be without my son and I do not know what to do. My whole foundation of myself has been shaken to the core and I do not know how to get it so it will be fixed so I am able to move on from this grief. And except that he is gone from me forever. That is where I am stuck.

This was one of the best days that Robert and I had this past Sept. He knew that I was so afraid of heights but he got me on the ferris wheel and got me with talking to me to calm down and start to enjoy it. I love those pictures, and that is what I mean when I said above that I will never have anymore of these kind of days. And that about kills me inside. I was rob so many years of his life and we were manly talking on the phone relationship. This was the first time I had seen him in over a year when he came back for his little brother's wedding. But we did not have any time to talk. And before that it had been 3 years and before that I know it had been years again. We did not have alot of seeing times together, but we sure had alot of phone time that allowed us to struggle with the past and work on learning to move on from what was done to both of us and learn to know each other again and never stop loving each other thru it all. But that has been the last 2 1/2 years. We had been trying since he was 18teen but we both did not know where to begin and Robert was so young and not ready to hear my side. But in time and my unconditional love for him he came around and then we would butt heads and he would be gone for along time refusing to talk to me when I would reach out. But then he got older and wiser and he decided that we needed to get thru all of that had happened to him and me during the seporation and that is when we really worked on our relationship 2 and 1/2 years ago. He and I have always been honest with each other even if it hurt the other. Not meaning to hurt the other but if one asked a question the other would not lie and try and make it softer than the truth was. That is what I mean. But anyway I miss him so much. And watching the little bit of videos I have and some pictures makes me smile but makes me cry knowing there will never be anymore pictures or videos or visits or phone conversations again. And that is what is making me stand still in pain and want to be in that hole.

[cas1984]

Im so deeply sry! Im where you are. I felt guilty for eating & its hard & a trip I feel you. its how can I have fun when ur supposed to be a part of this too? I dont want to ruin anybodys fun but I cant control this agonizing pain. It may be what you need but sounds to me like we are both in this hole dark lonely despair. Our hearts died w our boyz left us! Ive read so many of these stories and I feel alone bcus Im not gettn better with time its not gettn easier softer. I have had in 8 months Ive had one functioning day w my only biological sons possible son took him swimming but cried later that nite that he missed out.Im here talk to me about ur son anything & everything! Im Bunny! I know what u meant & so much I cud relate too.Have u gotten any signs from him?

[cas1984]

Im so deeply sry! Im where you are. I felt guilty for eating & its hard & a trip I feel you. its how can I have fun when ur supposed to be a part of this too? I dont want to ruin anybodys fun but I cant control this agonizing pain. It may be what you need but sounds to me like we are both in this hole dark lonely despair. Our hearts died w our boyz left us! Ive read so many of these stories and I feel alone bcus Im not gettn better with time its not gettn easier softer. I have had in 8 months Ive had one functioning day w my only biological sons possible son took him swimming but cried later that nite that he missed out.Im here talk to me about ur son anything & everything! Im Bunny! I know what u meant & so much I cud relate too.Have u gotten any signs from him?

[Angel'sSon]

Well today is the month since my son was found dead in his apartment. I feel like someone is riping my heart completely out again. SO fresh for me. I know that everyone here and others have told me that it will take time. I can logically understand that but that is where it stops. The rest of me just is in so much pain and screaming inside that no this can't be true and I want my son back and please tell me how to believe this is true. I have so much going on inside of me that I feel so tired all the time. I eat because I am suppose to. But I am a zombie inside but I act the part that everything is ok to the out side world. But today I know that I will not be able to denie my feelings of missing my son. I remember so many fun times and it makes me laugh. But then I get so sad because I know that there will never be anymore fun and great times with him again. That is what gets me. Not the memories for they make me happy its just knowing that there will be no more. That is what I am struggling with in my pain. I told Robert this past Sept. that if he was not my son and if he was not gay and I was younger I would want him as my partner. He thought that was great. He told me thank you and that he was honored that I felt that way. He did not take it a gross. I was not coming onto my son, so please don't think that. But I did think my son was handsome, but I love not only the outside but the inside of him. I wish he was here and I wish that I could feel his present. But so far I am not able to feel anything. I have 56 days til I go on this cruise to the Bahamas that Robert was suppose to go with us. Everyone else is so happy and excited about it and they keep telling me that this might be just what I need. But to be honest I feel nothing for this trip. Not that I feel like if I have fun then it would be wrong because Robert would be forgotten or something like that. No that is not it, I just feel like getting into a hole and never come out. I do not want to be without my son and I do not know what to do. My whole foundation of myself has been shaken to the core and I do not know how to get it so it will be fixed so I am able to move on from this grief. And except that he is gone from me forever. That is where I am stuck.

This was one of the best days that Robert and I had this past Sept. He knew that I was so afraid of heights but he got me on the ferris wheel and got me with talking to me to calm down and start to enjoy it. I love those pictures, and that is what I mean when I said above that I will never have anymore of these kind of days. And that about kills me inside. I was rob so many years of his life and we were manly talking on the phone relationship. This was the first time I had seen him in over a year when he came back for his little brother's wedding. But we did not have any time to talk. And before that it had been 3 years and before that I know it had been years again. We did not have alot of seeing times together, but we sure had alot of phone time that allowed us to struggle with the past and work on learning to move on from what was done to both of us and learn to know each other again and never stop loving each other thru it all. But that has been the last 2 1/2 years. We had been trying since he was 18teen but we both did not know where to begin and Robert was so young and not ready to hear my side. But in time and my unconditional love for him he came around and then we would butt heads and he would be gone for along time refusing to talk to me when I would reach out. But then he got older and wiser and he decided that we needed to get thru all of that had happened to him and me during the seporation and that is when we really worked on our relationship 2 and 1/2 years ago. He and I have always been honest with each other even if it hurt the other. Not meaning to hurt the other but if one asked a question the other would not lie and try and make it softer than the truth was. That is what I mean. But anyway I miss him so much. And watching the little bit of videos I have and some pictures makes me smile but makes me cry knowing there will never be anymore pictures or videos or visits or phone conversations again. And that is what is making me stand still in pain and want to be in that hole.

It's been almost a month since my daughter in law found my son on the couch where he had shot himself in the head. My son was my best friend and each day isn't getting any better. The pain won't go away. I try to think about the good times, but it's just not happening. I want him back so bad and I keep saying Why!!!! I will never get the answer. He had a great job, a wife and baby girl, 9 months old. He didn't seem depressed at all. I have 2 girls that both live out of the state. So, I don't see them a lot. My boyfriend hasn't left my side since this happened. I feel lost, angry, sad ect.... I don't want to feel like this for the rest of my life. It's so hard!!!!! I'm sorry for your loss also.

[Angel'sSon]

It's been almost a month since I lost my son. Today, I'm feeling everyone's pain. The pain of losing my son and best friend is getting worse as each day passes. I'm so full of emotions that I don't even know what or how to feel. I just know I miss him so much. He was 30 years. old and I can't remember the good times for thinking about the funeral and just not having him here. This hurts so bad!!!!