Missing Son

[ClayForever]

I am so sad. I don't know what to say. I feel so lost, and like no one will ever understand. My son died on October 1st, 2011. I feel a tremendous pressure to be grateful that he is no longer in any pain and that he is whole now. He spent his life in a wheelchair and could not speak or communicate, but he was such a joy to me and to all who knew him. He had the most pure heart, and sweet spirit, and the most healing smile that touched everyone who saw it. I miss my life with him. I loved bathing him and talking to him and laying beside him on his adjustable bed. It was alot of caregiving and not always easy but it was the most tender of moments and nothing can replace them. He would have been 15 in November. I feel so sad I can't stand it. I am crying so much right now. I don't know who to talk to. I don't know anyone in my situation, who has lost a son who had the kind of life and passing that my son had. I feel all alone and there certainly are moments of hope but when the poignant sadness comes, it is near unbearable. I feel so much guilt that I couldn't save him. The most beautiful pure being I have ever known...

[Jilly's mom]

Dear ClayForever:

I am so sorry for your loss. There is absolutely nothing that compares to losing a child, in whatever way it happened. Esp being a caregiver, there is a huge hole in your day with your son not physically here. In this forum, you will meet parents who have lost their child in just about every conceivable way. You will find someone with a similiar story. You will find the things you have been feeling, experiencing and thinking echoed in other parents' posts. It is a relief for me to know that others are on this same path. We are all in different stages and throes of grief. Some days it is unbearable. Some days you can almost get through it. When you are ready, share your son's story. We are all here to support you on your journey, as we are all making the same one! We understand as no one else does. We all belong to a family not of our choosing...the family of bereaved parents. The best we can do is hold each other's hands through cyber space and lend a listening ear.

My name is Louise and I am Jilly's mom. I lost her November 19, 2011. She was 19 and died in a car accident. One of her best friends was driving...and survived physically. (Emotionally is a different story, however.) As you learn to navigate your way around this site, you will connect with people who will change your life. I sure did. Sometimes, all you can do is read posts. Other times, you can go to the chat room and just talk....or listen. Lifting you up as best as we know how.

I am so sad. I don't know what to say. I feel so lost, and like no one will ever understand. My son died on October 1st, 2011. I feel a tremendous pressure to be grateful that he is no longer in any pain and that he is whole now. He spent his life in a wheelchair and could not speak or communicate, but he was such a joy to me and to all who knew him. He had the most pure heart, and sweet spirit, and the most healing smile that touched everyone who saw it. I miss my life with him. I loved bathing him and talking to him and laying beside him on his adjustable bed. It was alot of caregiving and not always easy but it was the most tender of moments and nothing can replace them. He would have been 15 in November. I feel so sad I can't stand it. I am crying so much right now. I don't know who to talk to. I don't know anyone in my situation, who has lost a son who had the kind of life and passing that my son had. I feel all alone and there certainly are moments of hope but when the poignant sadness comes, it is near unbearable. I feel so much guilt that I couldn't save him. The most beautiful pure being I have ever known...

[loannie8]

My son was special needs. He never walked or talked either. It seemed like every time we turned around, he needed another surgery. I understand what you mean when you say you should feel grateful he's not in pain anymore. Someone asked me after Micah died if I would rather have him in heaven whole and healthy or with me how he was, and honestly I would have chosen with me. Its a selfish answer, but the truth. I'm guessing (if your child was like mine) you built your life around taking care of him. When you devote so much effort to a child, the loss just seems that much greater. I'm biased, but I understand your feelings. People may say stupid things like, well at least things are easier. But you loved your child how he came to you, no matter what that meant. That's important to remember, even if it can't make the loss easier.

[loannie8]

If you want to email me, my address is andrea_orth@comcast.net

No pressure, and honestly my son died june 8 2011, so I may not have much advice, but I understand how lonely it feels when no one seems to get the connection you have with a special needs child.

[Susie_q512]

Micha's Mommy & Clayforever - I am sorry for the loss of your sons. It is true that we will never be the same. It is also true that no matter what, we would choose to have our children with us regardless of the circumstances or hardships that it involved. My daughter was killed almost 6 months ago in a car accident. She had only recently turned 16. Many people have tried to comfort me by telling me that she is in a better place and would not want to return here if given the choice....I've even tried to convince myself of this, but the truth is that all I want, my heart's desire, is to have her back. This is a universal truth for all of us....so is the pain, the sorrow, the longing, and the constant questioning. Holding you both close to my heart.