Everything I Knew Would Happen, Is Happening

[mrsduc]

Just like I thought in the begin that people that I know are tired of me talking about Robert and being sad. They tell me that they don't know what to do for me and that they just want me to move on. How in the world can the outside world (people who have never lost a child) that I am not able to move on in the way that they want me too. They have told me that they miss the old me and they want her back. I can't be that person anymore. I would be stupid if I thought I could. My son is gone, my best friend who was someone I admired and when my husband last year was in the worst motorcycle accident and I was recovering from surgery myself, it was Robert who helped me get through it all. Even though he was 2000 miles away he called many many times during the day to see how I was doing and let me vent and cry and he cried with me. I have lost all that and more. There is no one like or even close to my son in that I have no one that close to me that I can talk to. Yes I can talk to my husband but like he told me he really does not understand what I am going through because he has never lost a child. So now I feel like I have to hide my thoughts and pain and put on this fake face in public. I have started writing in a journal after Robert died, so that is where I write and scream and cry in. I feel like it is my Robert journal and that I am writing to him. For most every time I start to write I start it with "Hey Robert this is whats going on today". But it seems to be one of my outlets to try and get thru this new life that I don't want to be on. I have started walking with my chihuahuas in their stroller. I put my headphones on and just walk and don't try to think about anything but walking. I only listen to up lifting songs and only sons that me and Robert didn't listen to or sing together. But Robert is never out of my thoughts. I have decided that for his birthday this year (which is July 17th) my husband and I are going back to California and going to the beach where Robert loved and just have a great day at the beach celebrating Robert and his birthday and his life. I am kind of second guessing myself whether this is something that I really should be doing, but I just feel the need to do it. I know it is crazy thing to do. I am also taking my birth sister who I found in Sept. of 2000 and we have become good friends. She is the only sibling out of 17 that wants me in their life unless I am buying them something.

I am tired of people expecting me to be happy and back to my old self, when they have no idea what I am going threw and how I feel since everyone that says this to me has their kids alive. I know I sound bitter I guess I am just lonely and frustrated that everyone seems to want me to stop talking about my son and I am not able to do that. So I talk about it in my journal and i talk to Robert in the middle of the night. Thanks for listening.

[Deana]

I really understand what you are saying. I have a HUGE need to talk about my son. But people don't know how to react. My husband and 2 sons are moving on, but I can't seem to. When I talk about Jared everyone gets really sad. I am sad, but really also need to talk about him. I miss him so much. I have tried writing, but just seem to end up in tears. Please know that I feel your pain, and wish that we both can find a way to deal with tis terrible nightmare.

[mrsduc]

I really understand what you are saying. I have a HUGE need to talk about my son. But people don't know how to react. My husband and 2 sons are moving on, but I can't seem to. When I talk about Jared everyone gets really sad. I am sad, but really also need to talk about him. I miss him so much. I have tried writing, but just seem to end up in tears. Please know that I feel your pain, and wish that we both can find a way to deal with tis terrible nightmare.

Thank you so much. It means alot that someone seems to understand where i am coming from. I can't say it helps all the way writing my thoughts and feelings about my son in a journal instead of talking to someone. I just feel the need to let people know about my son. I do not know why, but now I have been put kind in a road that has a dead end and I have to turn around and figure out how to find another way to release that need to talk and tell people about him. Things that he did and things we talked about. I am so afraid that in time and my age I will forget alot of our conversations. People say I won't forget but no one really knows for I could get dementia and for get alot and specially Robert and his brothers. That scares me. I know that I should not think about these type of things and just live in the day. But I took care of my adopted mother for 4 years and she got to the point that she seemed to know that I was someone important that took care of her but if you asked her who I was she could not tell you. I asked her once did she have any children and she said no after thinking for a short time. And now we are taking care of my father who has no short term memory at all. I don't go over everyday like my husband does *better for a man to take care of a man) and when I come I can tell he knows that I am someone important to him, but I can tell by his face and his eyes that he did not know that I was his adopted daughter. So I am afraid this will happen to me and I would hate to ever forget about not only Robert but his brothers too. But I guess if that times comes then i will have to deal with it

[loannie8]

I am so sorry that people would act this way toward you. When people say "ignorance is bliss", I think this is what they mean. Only a person who has never gone through this singular hell could make such words as "get over it" come out of their mouth. I don't mean to be angry, but I guess I am. For you. For me. For anyone who has had to hear that. Someone told me after my son dies "Welcome to the club no one ever wants to join". You have a right to grieve. You didn't choose this. You didn't ask for this. And no one has the right to dismiss or negate your feelings. Its easy to walk away when it wasn't your child. I told my husband, it feels like someone is putting a hot poker in my eye and there is just nothing I can do about it. But that's why we're here, so that even if no one else hears you, we will. We've all been blinded in our own ways, and we will never tell you that you've been sad too long. I hope my words help and my thoughts are with you.

[mrsduc]

I am so sorry that people would act this way toward you. When people say "ignorance is bliss", I think this is what they mean. Only a person who has never gone through this singular hell could make such words as "get over it" come out of their mouth. I don't mean to be angry, but I guess I am. For you. For me. For anyone who has had to hear that. Someone told me after my son dies "Welcome to the club no one ever wants to join". You have a right to grieve. You didn't choose this. You didn't ask for this. And no one has the right to dismiss or negate your feelings. Its easy to walk away when it wasn't your child. I told my husband, it feels like someone is putting a hot poker in my eye and there is just nothing I can do about it. But that's why we're here, so that even if no one else hears you, we will. We've all been blinded in our own ways, and we will never tell you that you've been sad too long. I hope my words help and my thoughts are with you.

Oh thank you for understanding and saying how I feel. Except my hot poker is in my heart and just turning and turning and reaping me apart. So I know how you are feeling. And I am finding that most of the people here understand how I am feeling. I have a hard time writing the words all the time because I keep so much in. I have closed up and even told my husband yesterday that even though I don't speak of Robert and cry in front of you anymore, does not mean that I don't do it in private and I don't go a minute without thinking of him. I am living inside a living hell but on the outside I am trying to be that person that everyone wants me to be. But I would rather crawl into a ball and die so I could be with my son. I miss him more than anyone that knows me can ever imagine. My husband who was his stepfather said he really does not understand what I am going thru and does not know how to help me. Which I do understand. So I have taken all my thoughts that I had written publicly on Facebook about loosing my son, because so called friends and family kept saying that it hurt them too much and that I need to start moving on and get back to my old self. They have no idea, but I will never be that person again. I can't for I loved my son more than the breathe I take. He was so much embeaded in me. So now I write in a journal that is addressed to Robert alone. Do I feel alone, yes. To me (which I am so sure there our others on this site) that have no one that has gone through what all of us are going thru so they really do not know what to do for us and really do not understand so they just want us to get over it. I have a cousin's wife who I love very much and we were very close. This lady has never had kids of her own but she lost her father after a long illness many years ago. She told me that my pain will ease after awhile. I listened but felt like saying to her how do you know, you have never had a child. I may or may not get the ease of the pain, but I do know that I will miss and love and still want and wish that Robert was still here on this earth so that I could touch him and have conversations with him and hear him speak back until the day I die. That will not change.

I just thank you and the few others on this sight that have reached out to me. I am not perfect and I know at one time that apparently somethings I have said on this site upset some people and I apologized for I never mean to hurt anyone with what I say. That is not my nature. But I do know that i hurt and I do not know the way to be anymore so I fake to everyone around me. And to me that is very draining. I cannot get thru a day without closing my bedroom door in the afternoon and just be alone.

One of my favorite pictures of my son with his dog Balwin. He loved that dog so much.

[Maddy6]

Mrsduc,I love the picture of Robert. No wonder it is your favorite. I guess that was oneof his dogs? Didn't you say he walked his dogs every day? I am curious about what happened to the dogs? I thought you had said he went out every day to walk them? Also, that is a nice thought about going to the beach, Robeet would want you to do that. I do not remember anything you have ever said that has been offensive on here, at least not to me. So I would not worry about that. In the beginning we are trying to find our way. I used to think of it as getting a root canal. Unpleasant as hell, but have to go through it nonetheless. I used to know that as time passed it would soften the pain. And it has. I always just kept wanting time to pass to ease the pain. Time does help. I agree with you about the lady saying the pain will ease in time. It is like we only want to be told things from people who know. It also hurts when people tell us it will get better and they do not know first hand.Love,Maddy