Just Venting

[mrsduc]

I heard from both of my other two sons, one yesterday and the other this morning and only because my husband had called them behind my back and asked them why had they not thought of their mom and even called to see how she was doing. And he apparently told them that he was very worried about me. But the only reason they did call was because of my husband and I know that I will not hear from them again until my husband again begs them to call. He has done this time and time again in the past years. But I told him to stop that if they wanted to be around me and really cared for me that theyknow my number and where I live that they are grown men and that I cannot keep trying if they are not willing to try too. I know this sounds harsh but it gets to the point that you must stop trying if you keep hitting a brick wall everytime. They say they want a relationship with me and they have said it since they turned 18 and both are almost in their 30's but not once have they even attempted to try. I have called them and I get coldness after coldness and so I stop trying. When both of my boys called me one of the first things they said to me was why didn't I call them if I was hurting so bad after Robert died. Well I told them both that I did not feel like I cuould turn to them that I do not feel like they cared about me. And they just said that well you're our birth mom and I have to reach out to them. i just said to both of them that I loved them and they must try to see my side that I know they lost a brother but I had lost a son. And all my life I have been picking myself up from situation after another each time something or someone had knocked me down. But I do not know how or if I have the strength to pick myself up this time.

I have decide that in July when Robert's birthday comes around I am going back to CA and his two dear friends and i are going to the beach and try and celebrate Robert's life and honor his birthday like he would of wanted. Robert loved the ocean. I think now I am so tired so very tired and still just wanting so bad to wake up and be told it was a bad dream, even while I hold Robert in his urn my heart refuses to except he is not ever going to be here again. I feel so scared to except it throughly for fear that I will forget him or something.

I try to do normal things but they are not enjoyable anymore. My stomach is so upset that when I eat I have to go to the bathroom because nothing stays in me ever since I heard about Roberts death. Maybe this will change but it 8 weeks and I am not sure if this is going to be my new normal or what with my body and mind and soul. I could not tell you if I am coming or going or if I even cared. that is my life right now. But I still am here and that is about it.

I do know that if I could of done anything to save him, I would of. But I did not think about it. I now relize that I saw the signs but put it in the back of my head that oh everything will be alright. I did not realize how bad things had gotten for Robert those last couple of weeks until I spoke to his therapist. I wish that I had done something like gone out there maybe to stop him or to let him know that he was not alone and that I loved him, maybe that would of changed things for him. I do not know, and I will live with that for the rest of my life. People say I shouldn't but I know I will. Just like other mother's will live with things that they think that they should of could of would have done for the rest of their lives too. That is human nature for someone you love so deeply as your child who has died.

[Maddy6]

Linda,

I just wrote a long message to you and accidentally deleted it.

Now, my husband wants me to go to the gym with him, so I must go. I will try to PM you later. As I had some thoughts to give you.

Love,

Maddy

[robyn]

I heard from both of my other two sons, one yesterday and the other this morning and only because my husband had called them behind my back and asked them why had they not thought of their mom and even called to see how she was doing. And he apparently told them that he was very worried about me. But the only reason they did call was because of my husband and I know that I will not hear from them again until my husband again begs them to call. He has done this time and time again in the past years. But I told him to stop that if they wanted to be around me and really cared for me that theyknow my number and where I live that they are grown men and that I cannot keep trying if they are not willing to try too. I know this sounds harsh but it gets to the point that you must stop trying if you keep hitting a brick wall everytime. They say they want a relationship with me and they have said it since they turned 18 and both are almost in their 30's but not once have they even attempted to try. I have called them and I get coldness after coldness and so I stop trying. When both of my boys called me one of the first things they said to me was why didn't I call them if I was hurting so bad after Robert died. Well I told them both that I did not feel like I cuould turn to them that I do not feel like they cared about me. And they just said that well you're our birth mom and I have to reach out to them. i just said to both of them that I loved them and they must try to see my side that I know they lost a brother but I had lost a son. And all my life I have been picking myself up from situation after another each time something or someone had knocked me down. But I do not know how or if I have the strength to pick myself up this time.

I have decide that in July when Robert's birthday comes around I am going back to CA and his two dear friends and i are going to the beach and try and celebrate Robert's life and honor his birthday like he would of wanted. Robert loved the ocean. I think now I am so tired so very tired and still just wanting so bad to wake up and be told it was a bad dream, even while I hold Robert in his urn my heart refuses to except he is not ever going to be here again. I feel so scared to except it throughly for fear that I will forget him or something.

I try to do normal things but they are not enjoyable anymore. My stomach is so upset that when I eat I have to go to the bathroom because nothing stays in me ever since I heard about Roberts death. Maybe this will change but it 8 weeks and I am not sure if this is going to be my new normal or what with my body and mind and soul. I could not tell you if I am coming or going or if I even cared. that is my life right now. But I still am here and that is about it.

I do know that if I could of done anything to save him, I would of. But I did not think about it. I now relize that I saw the signs but put it in the back of my head that oh everything will be alright. I did not realize how bad things had gotten for Robert those last couple of weeks until I spoke to his therapist. I wish that I had done something like gone out there maybe to stop him or to let him know that he was not alone and that I loved him, maybe that would of changed things for him. I do not know, and I will live with that for the rest of my life. People say I shouldn't but I know I will. Just like other mother's will live with things that they think that they should of could of would have done for the rest of their lives too. That is human nature for someone you love so deeply as your child who has died.

My dear,

I'm so sorry about the problems with your boys. We can't change people, but we CAN change the way we react to them. You have let them know that you are always open to them, and that is all you can do. I would remember them on their birthdays and holidays, tell them again that you love them and then, offer them up to God. Worrying doesn't actually change anything, but it can give you an ulcer! A trip to the beach with others who loved Robert will do much for your soul and help you heal. I wouldn't worry about forgetting about Robert. That isn't possible. The new "normal" for us is remembering the child we have (temporarily) lost and how much we love them. We will love them until it's OUR time to go home, and then, for eternity. My new normal includes an absolute heart of gratitude for the time I had Chrissy here.

Try to be kinder to yourself- it's only been eight weeks and your sorrow is still fresh. But the day WILL come when thinking about him will make you smile more than cry. Some cliches are cliches because they are true, and "hindsight is 20/20" is one of those. Parents ALWAYS wonder if there was something, ANYTHING, we could have done. The answer is, "probably not". I believe, with my whole heart, that we do not live one second sooner or later than God decides- we just, sometimes, influence the circumstances. I am going to be presumptious right now and ask you what Chrissy always asked me when something went wrong: "What does He want you to learn from this?" It's hard for us, slogging along in this, the only life we know, to reach the point where we begin to realize that God doesn't see this life as we do. And now, neither do our children. They finally know the "plan", and what is left, is for us to try to understand it too.

I will always miss my precious girl and I will always wish that I could give her one more hug, or one more kiss on her sweet face, but now I must wait.Until then, I am so grateful for everything He has given me since Chrissy left. It is, without a doubt, a peace that passes all understanding.

With love,

Robyn

[davincidanes]

Thank you for those words, Robyn. I hope they help Linda-Roberts Mom, and they help me, too.

Linda-Sean's Mom