Just The Auntie... That's All

[AuntieC]

I Am An Auntie - And I Need Help

My story is painful and long and full of drama that I wish I could erase from my memory forever. But I can't. And I need help dealing with this. So I typed up some search words in google and here I am.

Let me begin by saying, that everyone who knows me, knows my family, knows our circumstances, has said repeatedly that I was more a mother to my nephews than their own mother. I am not saying it to attack my sister, only as a statement of fact. There is something mentally wrong with my sister. I don't mean that as an insult (again) we are under the impression that there is a bona fide mental illness to be found, but she will not seek out the help she needs to diagnose it.

Two years ago, she left the house where her children and husband were living with my parents. It is a very big house, and was bought for the big family. No one evicted them from the house. She and her husband made this decision of their own volition. However... She told her young sons that we "threw them out". The boys have come to me and asked me why we did it.

She cut off all family from the children. Isolated them from the very people who'd looked into their faces from the days they were born. The family who've loved them since birth.

About six months after removing her family and cutting us all off from contact... My sister, in her incredinly messy house, throwing an XBox party with 7 other adults present, lost my 2 year old nephew. He was found in the pool 45 minutes later. Drowned.

All of the events, warnings and calls I made to authorities even, to prevent such an incident were in vain. When I called the authorities 6 months before the incident - I made it very clear that these people were not mentally capable of the responsibility of properly supervising those children (I know - I was the one being the parent for the previous ten years) and specifically made mention that they had a pool. Six months before my nephews death.

I place a great burden of blame upon myself. Because while I was on a vacation, driving accross the country... I got a call that my little boy, my precious little nephew was missing. And three states away, I was helpless to do anything to help. For the first time, in my entire Auntie career, I could not do anything but cry and pray. And even that was in vain.

At the funeral, I fainted. It was the first time I'd seen my nephew in 6 months, and he was in a coffin. Later, my sister told everyone that this embarrased her. I guess she was able to hold it together better than I was. Afterall, she was not to blame. I was, for not being there.

Now, my parents have retired and moved to Las Vegas. My brother (17) begged not to leave home and his friends. So, my mother gave me partial guardianship, and left him in our boarding house with me. My sister and two remaining nephews are just down the road. But untouchable to me. They sneak over after school some days, and I dote on them briefly, before telling them to go home before we all get into trouble. They are 9 and 11.

These children have been my life for 11 years. And now, I can't seem to do anything right in her eyes. I don't care about the judgement she passes on me. That I am too hard on our brother, because I took his cell phone due to bad grades. That I am a failure as a protector for him, because all I am really doing is riding a power trip wave. I just wish, I could understand how someone who has done what she and her husband has done... Could possibly have the audacity to pass judgement on anyone.

I ... am still in pain. I am still grieving. I am still extremely angry. And her accusations and insults only make me more angry. Especially since nearly a year later, I only just found out the truth about what was going on that day. And I don't know how to deal anymore.

[Maddy6]

Candy,

I am broken hearted over your story and your sorrow. You were a mother to your nephews, so of course you would hurt as their mother. I am also very sorry. I lost my 22 yo daughter 4 years ago. I understand when you say you knew what needed to do to protect your nephews, but were prevented from doing so. I am so sorry you were prevented from protecting them. I am so sorry you are not able to give the love and attention to your nephews that you would like, and would be good for them. We all know your loss and pain on this site and are here for you, to listen and to guide you if possible.I also use the cell phone to motivate my teenage boys to keep their grades up. The minute the grades drop, they lose their phone. You sound like a wonderful and responsible aunt. Is it possible your sister feels threatened by the love your nephews and brother give to you? Please come back to the site and talke to us. We will listen and we care. Love,Maddy

[AuntieC]

Thank you Maddy. I deeply appreciate your understanding, and I am so very sorry to hear of your loss as well. There are so many horrific details to this tale, that I can't even begin to touch on the tip of the iceburg. But my fear was so great, so vivid, that one day her lack of supervision would cost one of the children their lives, that I warned her the day she showed me her new house. I saw the pool and my blood went cold. This was two years before my youngest nephew (the one who passed) was even born. I looked at it, and my heart sank instantly. Then I looked at her and said: "You bought a house with a pool?" She smiled and replied Yes! In a joyful mood. I felt terrible later about raining on her parade, but I issued a fair warning right then: If anything happens to one of my nephews in that pool, I will never forgive you. Then I left. I knew in my heart, I knew it all the way back then. Our mother felt it, too. And for that we bear the brunt of her insults, and banter. She has publicly humiliated us, by claiming that every one of us are suffering from mental illness. Isn't that what crazy people do? Sit in the middle of a crowded room and claim everyone else is insane? She has the audacity, after what she has done to our family, to stand in judgement of me? When I cared for her children, they all survived. She leaves the family circle for six months and... One of our babies had to pay the price. I guess you could say, right now, I am revisiting the anger stage of grief. Not because I can't let it go, I've worked very hard to forgive and move on while keeping his memory alive. But because now she is attacking us again. Giving our mother lectures on parenting the 17 year old, when her youngest will never be 17. She stole it from him, and from us. I don't even know if I should be talking about it, I am just so angry. So filled with raw and savage rage over what she has done and is doing. As though she has a right.

Candy,

I am broken hearted over your story and your sorrow. You were a mother to your nephews, so of course you would hurt as their mother. I am also very sorry. I lost my 22 yo daughter 4 years ago. I knew what to do to protect my daughter and was given bad counsel by an incompetent therapist. I was frustrated because the therapist intimidated me and my husband agreed with the therapist. So I thought perhaps I was wrong in my assessment and did not follow my gut and my instinct. My daughter died the next week. It broke my heart. I tell you that to tell you I understand when you say you knew what needed to do to protect your nephews, but were prevented from doing so. I am so sorry you were prevented from protecting them. I am so sorry you are not able to give the love and attention to your nephews that you would like, and would be good for them. We all know your loss and pain on this site and are here for you, to listen and to guide you if possible.I also use the cell phone to motivate my teenage boys to keep their grades up. The minute the grades drop, they lose their phone. You sound like a wonderful and responsible aunt. Is it possible your sister feels threatened by the love your nephews and brother give to you? Please come back to the site and talke to us. We will listen and we care. Love,Maddy

[Maddy6]

Candy,I can feel your hurt. I can understand that you would feel that way. If you were parenting them because of her lack of, you had assumed the role of mother in their lives. Now, mind you, I am not a professional counselor, or anything of course. Just a friend giving an observation. But because you loved them so deeply and you knew in your heart previously, you tried, but could not get anyone to listen, you were frustrated in your attempts to protect your nephews.....you were left to sit back and watch and pray. Then when your greatest fear is realized you would understandably have those feelings. I have 6 children. We bought a house with a pool when my youngest was 4 months old. We immediately put a special type of child proof lock on the back door. The back door had only a keyed bolt lock, which was kept locked unless my husband, or I were in the yard with the kids. Also we purchased zippered life vests that my kids were required to wear even if they were only playing in the yard until they were very strong swimmers. I took all of those precautions, yet was still nervous at times going to the extreme. I felt I could never, ever be too cautious. I am here to listen and I care. Please tell me more, or as much as you would like. You can also private message me if you prefer. You are not alone in your pain. There are many of us on this site who grieve with you. We care and will listen with a compassionate ear. Love,Maddy

[AuntieC]

There is so much to tell I don't think I could get it all out without the help of the services of Jerry Springer (<<<that's my terrible attempt at Monday morning humor).

My two remaining nephews are from a previous marriage. And when I tell you she hates her ex-husband I don't mean it in the sense that she dislikes him. I mean she's had dreams (which she later shared with the world) of murdering him, savagely with knives. In one of these dreams, she actually woke in the night standing beside her bed, weapon in hand, and in her words "ready to kill someone who wasn't there..." Does this sound like a safe place for my nephews to be? Where they have guns and knives and swords all over the house, and the parent is reaching for them in their sleep?

At my nephews funeral, she said something I found disturbing. The nephew who'd passed was from her current marriage. And in her words "He made me want to be a better mother..." Why didn't you want to be a better mother to my first two nephews? Aren't they good enough? Everyone else seems to think so! Sometimes I just want to shake her and say "WAKE UP STUPID!" But it wouldn't do any good. I'm just "Insanely jealous and wants to take over my/her family"

I have no interest in taking over her family. My interest is in protecting my nephews, who I feel are in great danger just now.

[Maddy6]

Candy,

You humor was very funny as I reference Jerry Springer in the same way and my kids always tell me that it isn't funny. However, I think it is hillarious, so I really enjoyed your joke. :-)

Yes, your sister does sound mentally unbalanced. I am so sorry that you are going through this. This is a difficult situation and I admire your strength to seek to protect your nephews and be there for your brother also. I am so sorry for your sister's unkind comment that certainly appears that she is uncaring of her children. It has to have been very hard for you as you apparently were a strong force in their lives. Yet she has control. I think you hit the nail on the head in your last sentence about merely desiring to protect your nephews. Your desire is admirable.

Also, you may want to post in the most common thread on here. It is "Loss of an Adult Child." Everyone posts on there. Click on it, and then click "reply" at the top. If you share on there, you may find others who can give you some guidance or input, as many deal with grandchildren etc. following the death of their child.

Even though it says loss of adult child on the thread. ALL are welcome and you are most certainly welcome.

However, you are most welcome to continue talking on here with me, or you can click on my name and then send me a private message if you would prefer.

I am sorry for everything you are going through Candy. We are here for you.

Love,

Maddy