It Hurts

[josiesdaughter]

Like so many on this forum, I lost my Mom. She was 73, had a heart attack and died in under 24 hours from going to the ER. Everyone had gone home to rest, thinking she was stable, but I was still uncomfortable about her situation and stayed with her to let my family take a break and get rest. I finally sat in the recliner in her room at 3 a.m. and went to sleep for 10 minutes when she stopped breathing. They could never get a steady pulse back after CPR and electric shock. Tomorrow it will be one month since she passed away.

A week after she died my 19 year old son ended up in the ER with his first anxiety attack. After a second trip to the ER, he is now trying to find the right medicines and is in counseling. This was his first really close person to die in his life and he has been really having a hard time, which resulted in anxiety issues.

Three weeks later (last weekend) my Dad started passing blood and had a very low blood pressure, so they took him to the ER. After the long weekend of monitoring him and losing enough blood to have to have a transfusion, they found out he had an ulcer. This was also attributed to stress. Thankfully it is treatable and he is home and doing well, besides the grief, of course.

With all of the things going on in our lives since my Mom died, the natural progression of grief has been disrupted. I keep thinking it will get better but every time I think about her it seems to hurt worse than the time before. So this weekend, I will have more time to focus on the loss. I knew it would hurt to lose a parent, but I was not prepared on how badly it actually does. Everything seems to remind me of her. I still think I'm in a state of shock and am afraid of what it will be like when I come out of it. I am a Christian and have a strong faith, but this is the most pain I have faced and even with my faith I am struggling right now.

I take steps forward and then I spiral quickly backwards. My Mom is who I called when I was sick, happy, sad, and needed advice. She was my number one fan, and no one will be able to fill the void. My husband adores me and is amazing, but how can I go on without my Mom? I feel like I have a Neon Sign that says, "I've Lost My Mom. Why is the world not stopping?"

Just writing this helps but at the same time it is making me hurt a bit more. So I'm going to stop for now. Thanks for listening and I am grateful for a place like this to share thoughts with others going through the same thing.

[Bridelyn]

hi josie's daughter....when i read what you wrote it really hit home to me. my mom died of a heart attack as well. only after they got her breathing again and took her to the hospital, she was gone by the time we got dressed and made the 5 min drive. its been 2 1/2 months for us. it is also my kids, 21 and 29, first real loss, but they had a double whammy because they lost their other grandmother 2 days earlier. my son took losing my mom very hard, she had lived with us the last 14 years. we inherited her cat, Baby, and about 3 weeks after my moms death, we were told that her cat hard a brain tumor and to bring him back to the vet when he stopped eating. my son was very upset because he feels that is all we have left of my mom. the following week my brother tried to commit suicide and was in a car accident. no one was hurt thankfully, but the stress of the situation was a lot to deal with so close after my mom's passing. my son won't talk to my brother because he is so mad at him for being so selfish. during all this time my son's cat, Pumpkin, got sick. At first we thought he was losing weight because he was depressed my mom was gone. The 2 cats always slept with her. Well the day between the 2 month anniversary of his grandmothers passing, my son had to put down his14 year old cat.. we were devastated. there has just been so many things happening at once for us. Right now things are finally somewhat normal, but i keep waiting for the next issue to come up. my brother has a lot of medical and legal issues to deal with. i have decided to pull myself away from him a little because i just cant deal with his problems on top of everything else. on top of all this, my oldest sister is the executor of my moms will and has done nothing. all the insurance policies have been paid out thanks to me, but my moms bank account is still active, i have stuff that was mailed her that my sister needs and she still hasnt picked it up. Also, my mom's room is exactly how she left it. We did clean up the blood and mess left behind from the paramedics, but she is everywhere in my house. her purse is still next to the sofa, although it has been moved so it is not a constant reminder. my younger sister and my daughter are suppose to come help clean out her room, but my sister has been renovating her kitchen so we have been waiting until that is done. maybe next week. and now easter is coming. m,y mom always made the holiday meal at my place, this year we will still have it here but it wont be the same.

i wish i could tell you it will get easier, but there are so many things out of our control. i have come to realize the void will always be there. You can only take things one day at a time. It is good that your son is getting the help he needs and hopefully your dad is getting better. Just remember to take care of yourself through all this. You don't always have to be the strong one. One thing that has really helped me is talking about my mom when i need to. Get those feelings out and share the memories you have, it really does help a lot. I will be thinking about you. Take care. Hugs

[debbie8800]

Hi: Josie, I kow exactly what you mean. Its been 4 months for me since my mom passed. Wont get into it right now but it was very hard. Hardest thing ever. I am the only child, I used to cry alot, now not as much, but god do i miss her.

I see my mom everywhere also. Lord have mercy.

Nice to meet you.

Prayers for strength, peace and love.

I go to the gym, joined a church, anything to keep busy and not think too much.