Obsessing Over Certain Thins

[mrsduc]

The last two days some weird obsession has taken over my mind about Robert. I don't understand it, and some tell me it might be a sign from God. I don't know but wanted to share this with you. I was put in the hospital when I was carrying Robert on the 4th of July and he was born on the 17th. He died on the 4th of Jan. and was found on the 17th. I think that is very strange to me. But then my brain went even further. I added up the 4 and the 7 and got 11 which is the day that his brother Tom was born on and then I added 4 and 17 and got 21 and that is his brother Christopher's birthday. Also the 11 is the month of my birthday. Now he was born in the 7th month and died in the 1st month and that adds up to 8 which is his father's birthday. I just don't think it means anything, but just seems so strange to me. And cannot figure out why my brain has decided to figure all this out. I am not that type of person. I was thoroughly obsessed after I found out Robert was dead in going to CA and cleaning his apartment then going back again for the memorial and then the memorial we had in VA. I am trying to find a balance that seems somewhat normal now for me. I just seem to be drifting thru each day. I am not a zombie so to speak but pretty darn close. I eat because I am suppose to, I do laundry because that is what you do. I clean and cook and still try to exercise at least every other day. But I just see everything so differently now. I am trying to find something to hold onto so I feel like I am not going insane. I talk and can laugh with my husband and others and listen to others, but my heart is dark. I do not like this new person that I am. Even my husband says I have changed since Robert died. I know that he will never be on this earth again and I know I will never be the same, but I want so badly for some of this pain inside to go away. The nights are so bad for me. I guess because that is when Robert and I would talk alot. I hardly leave my cell phone on anymore. I just don't feel I need one anymore because I had it for Robert to be able to call me without him loosing his minutes. All I do know is that I do not feel any guilt about not telling Robert everyday that I loved him and how proud I was of something he had done. I now have made a point to tell everyone that I care about how I really feel about them for I never want them to leave this earth without them knowing. That is one thing that I have really learned from my sons death. Time is too short and we never know if we will see that person we care about again so I believe to be honest and loving to them.

[Maddy6]

Mrsduc,I understand completely what you are saying. I did that type of stuff too. Looking for a sign from God etc, to validate what had happened. Something I did was that Rachael died on August 7, 2007. In the Bible the number 7 is always representative of God, or things of God. Sooooo, the 2 sevens in the date she died "meant" something to me. I was telling people this and they probably thought I was crazy. Then I was like....oh, if it had been July, then it would have been 7-7-07!Then when I realized that....oh, yes, she would have died a month earlier, I was like, ohhhh, no. Long after the fact, I think it was coincidence. Although the 7 still comforts me, I think maybe for ME, I was just trying to make sense of everything. Trying to grasp at something to give me a sign from God and tell myself there was something miraculous in it. 4 years down the road and I feel anything BUT there was anything miraculous. Anyway, I just wanted to say I know what you mean and if it comforts you then that's a good thing. The 7 comforts me, even though it may seem silly, it still does. Love,Maddy

[Susie_q512]

Maddy - You are so much stronger than you think. My guess would be that you have done far more things right than wrong during this terrible space of time since Rachael's passing. We each feel weak and inept. We are full of doubts and regrets as we attempt to live in this new world of grief. There is absolutely no right or wrong way to do it.....we just do it, however we can. It sucks

I have also considered numbers. Shannon's accident occurred 39 minutes after the hour.....she was born 39 minutes after the hour.....makes you wonder, that's for sure.

[RonnieAlt]

These types of signs bless us. I have had so many and it is funny some are 7's also...

1. Cherry Lynn was born on 7/7/80.

2.She weighted 7 lbs 7 0Z. She was my smallest child and easiest birth.

3. My brother Matt said "we have to pray for her soul, when he arrived for her funeral and wake in NH.

4. We kept hearing geese fly over head of my daughter Melanie's house honking and making all kinds of noise in mid-October in NH, They were coming from a park with a pond less than a block from my daughter's house. (one street over) Notifying us, that hey she was over here!

5. My biological father's sister came to Cherry Lynn's wake (she is 80 and I hadn't seen her for 28 years) and gave me a card denoting she had made a donation to Priests of the Sacred Heart in her name. That they would be lighting a candle and praying for her soul in perpetuaty.

6. We sought out the park she died in and found it was located on Sacred Heart Drive. My borther Matt lead us in prayer for Cherry Lynn's soul on the spot she died. The same park a block from my daughter Melanie's house, where we kept hearing the geese come from.

7. .My surviving daughters and I took a cruise together in November a few weeks after Cherry's death and were assigned to table 777.

8. Her favorite code for saying I love you was 1-4-3 on text messages.

9. At exactly 1:43 on the day of her funeral, her favorite song came on the radio.

10. On the day she was cremated, we requested that they call us the minute she entered the crematorium, they called us at 3:41 (You-love-I) 1-4-3 backwards stating she knew we loved her.

11. He sister's favorite song we played at the funeral is called "Sister" by the Nixons. One of the lines in it is "I see you dancing on the stage of memories". I was putting together a DVD of Cherry's favorite songs with pictures of her for the family a few weeks after she died and found a video I never saw before of her dancing!

12. While on the cruise, we spread some her ashes, we took a cruise that Cherry had been on with us before. I wanted to find a song to make a video of it with, and found a song by her favorite band Rusted Root, and in the song called "Remembrance" they say her nickname repeatedly "Choo-Choo", saying "Hold Choo, hold Choo-Choo remembrance, don't wait too long.Down to you my lady floats down, riding on a dolphin's back." It was stunning to find.

So many more, it would take me hours to write them all. Her biological father was at her funeral, she had never met, I hadn't seen for 29 years. I found his cell phone number online the morning before she died. I had thought he was dead for over 20 years.

God gives us these signs so we know he has our children, safe and sound waiting for us to reunite one day.

Cherry Dancing:

http://www.facebook....151032486035237

Our Cruise:

http://www.facebook....150935092490237

God Bless you!

[mrsduc]

Remembering Rachael, you told me not too long ago to stop being hard on myself and now it is my turn to say the same to you. There is no right or wrong way for you to grieve for your daughter. Your way is the correct way for you. I am finding out that from relatives and other people I have found that have lost a child that even after 15 years they are still grieving for that child. I know that does not give either of us hope, but in some sense it does, for as long as I am grieving then to me I am never going to forget Robert and how much he was apart of me. I did not start to live until the day he was born. I was nothing, so to speak until I was a mom. I loved every minute of being his mother. I know that you felt the same way with your daughter Rachael. So please stop beating yourself up. I may be strong, but so are you. You have been on this hard journey that none of us asked to be put on for alot longer than myself, and to me you let me see that yes you may not be all together but you still are able to walk and talk and get through days without your child that you loved so very much. Like I have said many times, nights are the worse for me. I can't seem to stop the tears and the pain just seems more intense then other times of the day. But I do know in my heart that my son probably died in the late or early morning. I wish all of us who have found this sight would just take a second to try and find something everyday that maybe we could focus on just for a second and say wow I am glad that certain thing was brought to my attention. It might help us all to try and just for a second get out of our own grief. I don't know. But I know that Robert blessed me with a suicide video that I am cherishing for the rest of my life. And in that video he blames no one but tells everyone by name who he loves and to not stop going on with their life. I know he could not comprehend how his death would effect us all. But I do know that he would not, just like I am sure Rachael would not want you to try and move on to some degree and find some peace and happiness. I am not saying don't forget her, that would first of all be impossible and secondly very mean and cruel of me to say to you. You could no more forget Rachael as I can never forget Robert. They were molded and given to us by our God. They had our blood flowing threw them. They had their own personality but at the same time they had some of us in them. They were our child but they were so much more than that to us. I do not know why our children were the chosen one that God decided to call home and in turn has put us on this journey of almost a living hell in our hearts. But I am trying very hard to see some positive in this. And maybe we are the chosen ones that God believes in our love so much that he wants to make sure we stand by him through this dark time. I not sure, but I feel for some reason this is a test. I do not like this kind of test for I believe that I am failing it and I can't do this over if I get it wrong. But we must remember that we are doing the best we can with what we are dealt with. You are in my thoughts and prayers. Please take care of yourself while you take care of others. You will be no good to others if you don't take time to take care of yourself.

Mrsduc,I understand completely what you are saying. I did that type of stuff too. Looking for a sign from God etc, to validate what had happened. Something I did was that Rachael died on August 7, 2007. In the Bible the number 7 is always representative of God, or things of God. Sooooo, the 2 sevens in the date she died "meant" something to me. I was telling people this and they probably thought I was crazy. Then I was like....oh, if it had been July, then it would have been 7-7-07!Then when I realized that....oh, yes, she would have died a month earlier, I was like, ohhhh, no. Long after the fact, I think it was coincidence. Although the 7 still comforts me, I think maybe for ME, I was just trying to make sense of everything. Trying to grasp at something to give me a sign from God and tell myself there was something miraculous in it. 4 years down the road and I feel anything BUT there was anything miraculous. I feel cheated, and lately, I am realizing, angry. I am probably the worst griever person, the person who has NOT done anything correctly. I have not been brave, I feel I have done a terrible job through all of the recovery process. I see so many on the site who are admirable in their behavior and how they have handled things. It often shames me. Sorry for rambling Mrsduc. Anyway, I just wanted to say I know what you mean and if it comforts you then that's a good thing. The 7 comforts me, even though it may seem silly, it still does.

Love,Maddy

[517958]

I've been doing a little of that too. I read a book about Abraham Lincoln. His birthday was Feb 12th (Char's Birthday) and he died young. His younger brother, who died in infancy, was born on Feb 10th. This scares the heck out of me because that's my son's birthday! Now I worry that I'll lose my son too. I'm thinking it's a manifestation of what I've come to know after Charlotte's accident - that I don't have as much control over what happens as I used to think.