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My little brother Duke


Larina

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Hello this is my first time posting in a forum.

Last month on February 13th i lost my younger brother Duke. Duke was 29 years old and the father of 4 children. Duke had a really hard life. He has battled drug addictions for the past 8 years. He has been in and out of his childrens lives due to the drugs.

Duke was finally getting his life straight he had been clean for the past 3 years and moved back to ohio. He was being a father to his four kids and starting to ENJOY life. He was always smiling and joking. Me and him were close (theres four of us.) Kristy and Lisa have each other and well i had Duke. I have raised his son for the past 3 years. Duke even moved in with my mom to help her out. I was sooooo proud of him.

On Feb. 12th at around 8pm my mother fell and hit her head on a table. Duke and me helped mom to the car and off to the E.R. we went. I called Duke several times to let him know what was going on. The last time i called was around 1am. He was telling me to tell mom he loved her and he would see her in the morning. Well at 5am they were suppose to bring my mom in something for the headache, and i heard them say they were bringing in a man who had coded and had been down for 20 minutes. I was so mad because here we were we had been there all night and mom was hurting i remember thinking to my self they cant bring him back and if they do hes going to be a vegetable the rest of his life. . I stood out in the hall and i seen the EMS pull up. In my heart i knew it was my brother. I dont know how but i did. I seen my sister in law run to the back of the ambulance and she seen me and motioned for me to come. I started to run out and a nurse said it didnt concern me and i yelled at her it was my brother. "you have got to be kidding me" is what she said. I grabbed hold of my sis in law and the nurse pulled us in and was leading us to the dreaded family room. I looked back and seen a woman on top of my brother doing cpr. They left us in this room for 15 minutes and i seen the doctor come out shaking his head. i put my arm around my sis in law and the doctor walked in. he asked us what had happened and i found out he had drank 3 four lokos which is a 12% alcoholic drink and smoked some of that K2 (synthetic marihuana) The doctor then tells us how he never had a heart beat in the ambulance and how he never got one at the hospital either. He told us he was sorry they tried everything they could but he was gone. I grabbed my sister in law and held her. All i could think is oh my God my moms in the room and i had to tell her. I didnt know they had my mom on suicide watch because she said how she wished she was dead from the headache. For 3 hours i kept telling them dont you dare tell her i have to. After the three hours i walked in my moms room just 2 doors down from where my brother laid dead. I told her momma they tried so hard. I told her her baby boy had left this world. She screamed and i still see that in my mind. When my dad got there i wheeled him into see my mom. and they cried and held each other. After about another hour they told us we could go in and see him. i wheeled my father into that room and i thought he was going to have a heart attack. I still see my little brother laying on that table with a breathing tube in his mouth. I will never forget that. After we said goodbyes to Duke we had to come tell his kids. His wife could not tell them so once again i told his four babies he was gone. His 2nd oldest daughter was laughing and told me to quit lying. God how i wished i had been. I held his babies and cried with them. I made the phone calls to their school and did what needed to be done.

The next day we went to the funeral home to make arrangements. my mother could not come she was devastated. I picked out his casket a beautiful light blue and i signed the paper to take care of the costs. On Thursday we got a call from the coroner and he said he could not find a cause of death they had to send in the samples they took. He said how he had found 2 small puncture marks on dukes left arm. he thinks he oded. I again went to my moms house and told them what he said. My father ended up having a slight heart attack that night. The next day we buried my brother. I held onto his kids and my mom and stayed strong for them.

On sunday from all the stress of everything my husband who is 24 years old had a slight heart attack. He signed himself out against medical advice. For three days i would not leave his side.

I feel so lost without my brother he was my best friend. He always called me when he had a heavy heart. He always called just to see how we were. I miss him not calling or coming over. I dont know how to live without him. I have survivors guilt really bad. I dont understand what happened and i wont for another few months. My heart tells me there is no way Duke shot heroin that night. But my mind knows he most likely did. I am so mad at him right now. How could he leave me and his kids???? Why didnt he fight harder for his life? Why why why???? I am feeling so lost right now. I know its been just three short weeks but it just does not seem real.I just wish the images of that night would go away. i see the ambulance i see them doing cpr i see my moms face. I see him laying there i see the tube in his mouth i see his babies. Its just not fair.

I have photos of his funeral and i look at them and sometimes it helps but others it breaks my heart. post-298315-0-67443700-1331095011_thumb.

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