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Loss of my mom


tate1

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Hi. I am new here and am going to give this a try. I really need to get this off my chest...

I lost my mom almost 9 months ago. Feels like it was just yesterday. My mother had been sick for several years and became really ill on June 5th of last year. She spent a few days in the hospital, she was released on June 10th and went to live with my sister. Her CO2 levels had been high in the hospital and continued to remain high when she went home. Due to the high CO2 levels she couldn't lay flat because she felt like she was suffocating. So in order for her to get any sleep, she would sleep sitting down. My mom went into a sleep induced coma on June 17th. We spent every chance we could by her side trying to get her to open her eyes, but nothing. We spent Father's Day surrounding my moms bed just talking to her. I remember the next day as if it was just yesterday. Since there had not been any change, I decided to go home (about a 30 minute drive) to get some clean clothes. Before walking out the door, I walked over to my mom and asked her to please not leave me. I told her that I would be back shortly. My sister had a new bed delivered while I was gone. It was a bed that was much softer and would avoid my mother getting bed sores. I hadn't been inside my house but a couple of minutes before my phone rang. It was my sister telling me that as they were moving my mom from one bed to the other that she had taken a huge breath and they were having trouble getting her pulse. She told me that if I had anything to tell my mom, that I should do it then. She put me on speaker and I talked to my mom. I asked her to please not leave me. I know that was selfish of me, but I wasn't ready to say goodbye. I told her I loved her and my sister hung up the phone. Halfway back to my sister's house, my sister phoned and said that my mom had passed. My mom passed away on June 20, 2011. This was the 3rd death in my family within a 6 month time frame. My mom's brothers passed away, one on January 20th and the other on February 6th.

It has been a long hard journey, but I am now able to go thru the day without crying. Lately, I have been feeling down again. I have family and friends tell me that I need to speak to a therapist because I should be further along with the grieving process? Is there a timeframe for grieving?

Any advice would be greatly appreciated.

Thanks...B

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Hi: I lost my mom 3.5 months ago, feels like yesterday, the first 6 weeks were very very hard, now i am better but like you today and yestereday it hit me again. I miss her so much. I think with any change, or a trigger the pain can come back at the drop of a hat.

You will probably continue to have ups and downs depending on what else is going on in your life. I notice when something negative happens my mind reverts back to mom, probably a protection mechanism because my mom was a strong solid kind of person.

I hope that helps some. Isn't it hard, i know girl, its one tough road. You are so lucky you have a sister. I am the only one and actually called a therapist today. I don't like the idea because you have to really like the therapist to talk with them about such personal things, so they told me there was a 3 month wait, i laughed, then they said there was a place i could go till they could get me in.

What a hasstle. lol almost more trouble then grieving by yourself. I live in a busy area i guess.

I will pray for you for healing, comfort and peace. Church helps me and working out and swimming at the gym. Sometimes i come home look at the 4 walls and get down again. So sorry for your pain, i think many of us here are experiencing the same thing.

Take care of yourself.

Debbie

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Debbie,

Thanks for your kind words. The first three weeks were very hard for me. It was so bad that I had to get on antidepressants. You're right, with any change, I feel the sdaness all over again. I used to call my mom anytime that I something happened, good or bad, and I can't do that anymore.

About my sister...we had a falling out for four years until my mom went into the hospital last year. In order to bring us back together, my mom had an attorney come up to the hospital and gave us both power of attorney. My sister and I have become very close since then, which is nice because I missed her and my neice and nephews.

My husband recently asked me to speak to a therapist because I feel a lot of guilt for things I could have changed or done differently. Also the fact that this will be the first year without her here on Mother's Day, her not being here on her birthday, then her 1 year anniversary date and then then my birthday 8 days after her 1 year anniversary. I feel like instead of this being a year of healing that its going to be getting harder in the next few months. I spoke to a therapist yesterday, but it will be at least 3 weeks before I can get in.

I guess the mixup at the cemetary the day of her funeral didn't help. The groundskeeper called the funeral home about 5 minutes before the services started and stated that someone else had been buried in my mom's plot. They had to hold the services over someone else's grave. After her graveside services, they ended up having to take her back to the funeral home while they figured things out. They "say" that they were wrong and that the plot they started digging was someone elses and that my mom's plot was next to it. They finally called us back 4 hours later to bury my mom. I think that this played a major role in my ability to heal.

I am really glad that I found this site. I think it will help me by allowing me to get things off my chest.

Hi: I lost my mom 3.5 months ago, feels like yesterday, the first 6 weeks were very very hard, now i am better but like you today and yestereday it hit me again. I miss her so much. I think with any change, or a trigger the pain can come back at the drop of a hat.

You will probably continue to have ups and downs depending on what else is going on in your life. I notice when something negative happens my mind reverts back to mom, probably a protection mechanism because my mom was a strong solid kind of person.

I hope that helps some. Isn't it hard, i know girl, its one tough road. You are so lucky you have a sister. I am the only one and actually called a therapist today. I don't like the idea because you have to really like the therapist to talk with them about such personal things, so they told me there was a 3 month wait, i laughed, then they said there was a place i could go till they could get me in.

What a hasstle. lol almost more trouble then grieving by yourself. I live in a busy area i guess.

I will pray for you for healing, comfort and peace. Church helps me and working out and swimming at the gym. Sometimes i come home look at the 4 walls and get down again. So sorry for your pain, i think many of us here are experiencing the same thing.

Take care of yourself.

Debbie

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I am so sorry. I cried so hard reading your account of her last day. I remember those feelings exactly, with perfect clarity.

My mom died 7 days before my birthday too. 9 days before my fathers. As an only child my mom always made my birthdays such extravagant events. Last year my father and I 'skipped' our birthdays. I tried a few times to make plans for this years, and I just can't. I have no interest in it. Like every other holiday this past year (it'll be a year on Sunday) they just seem fake. There is no joy left in them at all. Mother's day was only hard during the Hallmark commercials, haha. The actual day I just ignored. On her birthday we all (the family) did different things and basically ignored that day too. How about that first Christmas?! I never thot I'd survive it. This year I don't know how any of us will handle any of the holidays. Everyday, holiday or not, I just feel like a spark inside me is gone. Nothing will ever be the same again. People say I will get used to it, it never gets better per se, you just get used to having the pain around. Not sure when that will happen.

It's wonderful that you and your sister have reconciled. That has to be tremendously helpful, to share your loss. I'm sure it also made your mother very happy.

I just found this site this week too, and it has already made me feel less alone. It's not always ok to keep going over and over these feelings in the real world, people can't always handle hearing about it, but it's ok here. I'm glad we both found our way here.

-Brianne

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Hi Tate(and everyone else),

I think you are doing well considering your loss. Everyone says, "oh, move on" or "just stay busy" etc. However, I believe your own internal clock will tell you when it's time. The mix up at the funeral definitely played a role in the painful memories. I don't think 9 months is that long to still be reeling from all this. I think getting in to speak to a professional will help though. I've been reading a couple of books about grieving and it's not like they make you "feel" better, but just give a little insight on the long process.

I only lost my mom two weeks ago, and I can't function pretty much at all. Thank god, I have a ton of sick leave saved up at work. I have no idea how I'll make it back to any sort of normalcy. Tate, I think your doing well considering. Society doesn't give adult children time to really grieve their parents. We have our own lives and are supposed to "get over it" quickly and head back to our normal lives. Well, it sure as heck doesn't happen that way. I'm so glad we have this site to bounce ideas off of each other.

Hang in there, Tate and remember we are all going through this also. I'm very glad I found this site.

Aaron B

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Aaron you are so right when you say that society doesn't give adult children time to grieve. we are expected to move on like death is a normal everyday thing. no one seems to stop and think that it can be very traumatic. i feel like an orphan. i am not married so i feel like there is no one there to watch over me. and i only got a week of bereavement leave. i know that is more than many people get, but how can you deal with everything in a week and expect to return to work. by the way, when i did return to work, my productivity was at about 50 percent. it was very hard to focus.

Tate1 i read somewhere that if you see a therapist and they tell you that you are not far enough along in the grieving process, find another therapist. there is no time table on grieving. everyone and every situation is different. and i think it will always feel like yesterday no matter how many days, weeks, months, years have passed. i still can't believe my mom is gone. unlike both you and Aaron, my mom was not ill. she was recovering from hip surgery and was doing great. we called an ambulance early one morning because she thought she dislocated her hip. next thing we know they are doing CPR and preparing us for her death. they got her heart going again and took her to the hospital. she was gone by the time we got there and it was only 10 mins away. so we never got to say good bye and all those things that needed saying. my adult kids had just lost their other grandmother 2 days earlier so we were already dealing with a death. the whole thing is just so unreal to me.

hope everyone is doing ok today. hugs :)

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Thanks Aaron. You're right. I can't tell you how many times I have had someone tell me "it will get easier as time passes" or "she's in good hands now". It's not like I sit and cry every single day, though I would think I am entitled to if I felt like it. I am going in to talk to a therapist because my husband asked me to, I'm not expecting any miracles, but like you said it will give me some insight.

I am so sorry to hear about your mom. I can relate with you on not being able to function. If it hadn't been for my husband I don't know what I would have done. He took it upon himself to call my doctor and together they put me on some medications. I used to cry myself to sleep and then would wake up, get my kids off to school and then go back to bed. Thankfully with the medication, I was able to pull myself together. Honestly, I really didn't have a choice, our kids are only 10 and 12 and they really needed me.

I know that this might sound crazy, but I still visit the website with my moms obituary and I post comments on there often. I feel that this is where I can go and talk to my mom and get things off my chest. Is that weird?

I am very glad that I found this site and that I have other people that I can talk to besides my family and friends.

Bel

Hi Tate(and everyone else),

I think you are doing well considering your loss. Everyone says, "oh, move on" or "just stay busy" etc. However, I believe your own internal clock will tell you when it's time. The mix up at the funeral definitely played a role in the painful memories. I don't think 9 months is that long to still be reeling from all this. I think getting in to speak to a professional will help though. I've been reading a couple of books about grieving and it's not like they make you "feel" better, but just give a little insight on the long process.

I only lost my mom two weeks ago, and I can't function pretty much at all. Thank god, I have a ton of sick leave saved up at work. I have no idea how I'll make it back to any sort of normalcy. Tate, I think your doing well considering. Society doesn't give adult children time to really grieve their parents. We have our own lives and are supposed to "get over it" quickly and head back to our normal lives. Well, it sure as heck doesn't happen that way. I'm so glad we have this site to bounce ideas off of each other.

Hang in there, Tate and remember we are all going through this also. I'm very glad I found this site.

Aaron B

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Hi Tate,

It's so tough. I'm seeing a therapist and it helps. I know exactly what you mean about staying bed. Your grief is your own, so don't fight it. Sadness and grief is the toughest thing we will ever face. keep posting up. I know it helps me to see that we are kind of going through the same thing.

Aaron

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Thanks guys. I can't tell you how happy I am that I ran across this site. Your kind words really help me out.

I am going to the cemetery this weekend to go leave flowers for my mom. The place where we purchased her headstone has had one delay after another, so all we have is the funeral home marker with her picture on it. We have been waiting for the headstone to be completed since August of last year. They promised that we would have it before Mother's Day this year...we'll see. We thought about going with a different company, but I think it would be such a hassle at this point. I'm sure once I see her name in stone, the reality that she is gone will really set in.

Bel

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