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Lost my daughter 18 days ago


Amber37

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I don't know what to do with myself so here I am. My beautiful 18 year old daughter was hit by a car just recently and died instantly. I don't know how to do this.....go on in life without her. I'm SO mad right now. I know there are stages- as people have told me but there's no one I know who has lost a child. People don't know what to say to me or how to act around me. I feel like a zombie- just walking around, going through the motions of living but dead inside. I have 2 other daughters that need me to be a "normal" mom. Normal is gone now. I will keep going through the motions of living for my girls but my life is over now. I still see my precious daughter as she was- full of life and hopes and dreams, but I also continually picture her lying there on the street, her little body broken and shattered. I picture her alone in that cold dark coffin even though I know that's not her in there. She's gone forever. I'll never watch her get married, have babies or dance again (her favorite thing in the world). Waking up in the morning (when I sleep) is the hardest part of the day. To realize this is my life now- it wasn't all a horrible dream.

Anyway, thanks for listening

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davincidanes

Amber, I am so sorry for your loss and what you are going thru. My heart bleeds for you as I know, all too well, the emotions you are feeling. I lost my son just two months ago. I have no good advice - there really isn't any, other than, I can tell you that you are at the right place. The people here are wonderful and will hold your hand along this difficult journey.

~Linda

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Amber, I am so very sorry for your loss, but glad you found us. I lost my 28 yrs old son Kevin 5 months ago. It still hurts and the raw pain lurks deep inside all the time, but I do smile and laugh at times when I talk about or remember things about him. Life for us has changed and will never be the same, but we learn to continue on. There is not set time or rules for our grief, it just is. Right now, take care of yourself and come back here as often as you need to, it does help. Hugs and prayers to you and your family at this time. Vivian-Kevin's Mom

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darlenestark

Amber - I am so sorry that you have lost your daughter. I am 68 days into my new "existence" - I can't bring myself to use the term "life" yet. My son Ali was killed instantly in a head-on collision. I also have no one in my circle of friends who has lost a child - I'm glad you found this forum, and I hope you find the shared compassion and understanding that has helped me get through these days...

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Dear Amber - I'm so sorry also for the loss of your daughter. The pain and heartache you are feeling is

something each of us here knows of. Unlike some who've responded previously, I do know quite a few

others, some family, some friends. who have lost a child. Even though that is the case, I find it much

easier to come to this (more often Loss of an Adult Child) website because the people on here are

"willing and eager" to talk about their child. Sometimes the people I know aren't in the same frame of

mind as I am. Please come to the Loss of an Adult Child thread of this website where you will find so

many kind, compassionate, loving people to share your grief with. We are all here for you. My prayers...Shelly

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Dear Amber - "I'm so sorry.." doesn't begin to express how each of us ache for you - but there just doesn't seem to be better words. Yet - because you know each and every one of us have lost one or more of our children - you know those simple words come from the deepest fibers of our hearts. We are here for you. Some, like you, are just starting the journey through grief while others have traveled the path a bit longer. The great thing is that each one is willing to help you in their own special unique way. Whatever you do, try to get some rest for you will need all your strength to get through the coming days. Hold tight to the love you share with your other 2 daughters. Try to understand if their way of grieving isn't the same as yours. Be kind to yourself and accept you are not the female version of Hercules. Above all, I repeat, we are here for you. >>>Tali

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Thank you for all your kind words. It's really amazing to me how oblivious I was before this to how many people there are in this world that have lost children. I always felt so bad when I'd see someone who I knew had lost a child and I'd think to myself " please Lord I hope I never know that feeling". Now here I am- one of the many who are living this way. If you can even call it living. So sorry to all of you who are here as well.

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tobyfreefoot

I don't know what to do with myself so here I am. My beautiful 18 year old daughter was hit by a car just recently and died instantly. I don't know how to do this.....go on in life without her. I'm SO mad right now. I know there are stages- as people have told me but there's no one I know who has lost a child. People don't know what to say to me or how to act around me. I feel like a zombie- just walking around, going through the motions of living but dead inside. I have 2 other daughters that need me to be a "normal" mom. Normal is gone now. I will keep going through the motions of living for my girls but my life is over now. I still see my precious daughter as she was- full of life and hopes and dreams, but I also continually picture her lying there on the street, her little body broken and shattered. I picture her alone in that cold dark coffin even though I know that's not her in there. She's gone forever. I'll never watch her get married, have babies or dance again (her favorite thing in the world). Waking up in the morning (when I sleep) is the hardest part of the day. To realize this is my life now- it wasn't all a horrible dream.

Anyway, thanks for listening

this is how i feel exactly except i'm not angry. my 28 year old son was killed in a car wreck july 3rd. it's been 8 months. i still have these same feelings. i can breathe sometimes now and i laugh and talk but inside i'm a different person and my life is over. i also have other children i guess it would be the same if it had been one of them. i have the same pictures running through my mind all the time. i feel like the only time i will be at peace is the day i am buried beside him. at the same time my kids need their mom. i am so tired of him being dead. i am so sorry. i wish i could make it not be true for all of us.

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Oh the pain you are feeling we all understand. I too lost my son just about 8 weeks ago but only found out 6 weeks ago. So I too am new in this journey that none of us asked to be on. Yes your life will always be different. You will have good moments and bad moments. But remember to allow yourself to have these moments. It is very important to not only take care of your other daughters, but to take care of yourself. I know for a fact that it is hard to want to do that. You feel empty inside except for anger and disbelief that this has happened. That you wish you could just wake up from this nightmare that you are having. But we can't, for we are awake. So my advice to you is try very hard to be good to yourself and allow yourself to grieve in whatever way you need to and whenever. Heck, I wake up in the middle of the night now shaking and crying for my son. To me your pain is worse than mine (and I do not want to offend anyone with what I am going to say) but loosing a child suddenly from an accident is one of the worst things I can think of. I lost my son because he killed himself. Yes the pain is very hard but I do have comfort in knowing he is not in any more of thepain he had indured all his life. So I guess I am letting you know that you are in my thoughts and prayers. You take care and keep coming back.

I don't know what to do with myself so here I am. My beautiful 18 year old daughter was hit by a car just recently and died instantly. I don't know how to do this.....go on in life without her. I'm SO mad right now. I know there are stages- as people have told me but there's no one I know who has lost a child. People don't know what to say to me or how to act around me. I feel like a zombie- just walking around, going through the motions of living but dead inside. I have 2 other daughters that need me to be a "normal" mom. Normal is gone now. I will keep going through the motions of living for my girls but my life is over now. I still see my precious daughter as she was- full of life and hopes and dreams, but I also continually picture her lying there on the street, her little body broken and shattered. I picture her alone in that cold dark coffin even though I know that's not her in there. She's gone forever. I'll never watch her get married, have babies or dance again (her favorite thing in the world). Waking up in the morning (when I sleep) is the hardest part of the day. To realize this is my life now- it wasn't all a horrible dream.

Anyway, thanks for listening

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Amber37,I am so very, very sorry for the loss of your precious daughter. In the beginning we are in disbelief. A state of shock actually. My first year is a fog. I think what Mrsduc means in her post about how painful losing a child from an accident is that we did not get to say goodbye. I am not sure if that makes a difference, or not. I know I sure wish I had gotten to say goodbye. And the pain of that is incredible. Death did not bother me before this. It was a part of life. I accepted it. I moved on. But to lose my child whom I loved so deeply is very hard to accept. I am sorry I am not being more encouraging. I am very sad over her loss and I know I will carry this loss for the rest of my life. You are not alone and we all understand. We are here for you anytime you need to talk to us. We are familiar with your pain. Love,Maddy

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tobyfreefoot

this is how i feel exactly except i'm not angry. my 28 year old son was killed in a car wreck july 3rd. it's been 8 months. i still have these same feelings. i can breathe sometimes now and i laugh and talk but inside i'm a different person and my life is over. i also have other children i guess it would be the same if it had been one of them. i have the same pictures running through my mind all the time. i feel like the only time i will be at peace is the day i am buried beside him. at the same time my kids need their mom. i am so tired of him being dead. i am so sorry. i wish i could make it not be true for all of us.

dear amber-i'm sorry i was not more encouraging. it was just your words struck me, they could have been my own. it is easier now than it was a few months ago. sometimes i feel like i don't want it to be easier because i don't want anyone to forget him. he is in my mind constantly and no one wants me to talk about him anymore. that is why i am glad i found this site. you are the first person i have responded to and i am afraid that someone will shut me down like they do out here in my life. anyway i didn't mean to be discouraging. i just wanted you to know how much i can relate to how you feel and you are not alone. i don't know you but i love you and my heart breaks for you and everyone else on this site. i finally feel like there is a place i can be myself and feel my grief and not feel like i should get over it. it helps me to know others are feeling so much pain. i wish they weren't but at least now perhaps i have a community.

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I am also new to this journey having lost my daughter, Shannon, 5 1/2 months ago in a car accident. She was only 16 yrs old, and full of life, love, and laughter. She had dreams and plans for her future, and I was so hopeful for her. Her future was my future. And now, like each of you, I stare into this future without her....this future that I do not want and would have never chosen. I wonder every day at the ability my heart has to continue beating. I too feel as though I am living dead. Aside from the pain, there is an emptiness and loneliness that is like a void so great that it cannot be measured or defined. The stages of grief can only serve to give us a reference of what we can expect to experience as we fumble and stumble on this dark path. It does not play out in chronological format, but rather thrusts us from one stage to another rapidly. It's like being strapped into a seat of a roller coaster that tosses us and plummets us from one extreme to another. I have described grief as an entity with a life and mind of its own. It takes us and does as it wills with us, and we are powerless over it. Prayers for each of you as you struggle to find your footing on this road. I am so very sorry that you have lost your children too....I cringe every time I learn of another parent thrust into this nightmare. (((Hugs))) to each of you.

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austandbay

Hi ..I just found these message boards today and have just been reading everyones posts when Iread yours. I know what I am going to say isn't anything that is going to help you in anyway but Ifelt like Ihad to respond. My 15 year old princess died a month ago yesterday we still do not know why but she went into sudden cardiac arrest while sleeping at her best friends house. I feel the exact same way you do. I cannot stop thinking about her little body in that casket and Icant stop thinking about her under ground. I have not even went to the cematary to visit her yet which Ido feel a little guilty about but like you Iknow that is not her in that casket. I am so sad Iwill never watch her get married and all of the other things you said and Bailee like your daughter loved to dance!! Your post is from over a year ago and Ireally hope your in a better place now with your loss .....Icant even imagine not feeling just like this a year from now or ten years from now. I just wanted to post because your little girl reminded me a lot of my little girl.

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They always say stages and waves so on so forth. Anguish, agony, despair, etc will be constant companions. You will find those around at a loss as to how to help. Sleep when you need to........eat when you can. Drink plenty of water and get as many hugs as possible. Avoid being alone even if it means sitting at a coffee shop just being around people. I used to do that.Sitting at home was down right dangerous for me. You have a long dirt road ahead of you and your not wearing shoes. You will take every step alone and never reach your destination. But you have control of the weather make it shine make it rain. Whatever suits you. Ditch anybody ( I mean ANYONE) that is not supportive. They will make your journey harder you can pick them back up later on. Avoid drugs and alcohol they do not help. Be greedy for outlets church, hospic, groups, art, music, poetry, working out, whatever.

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Jesse David & Taylor Mom

I don't know what to do with myself so here I am. My beautiful 18 year old daughter was hit by a car just recently and died instantly. I don't know how to do this.....go on in life without her. I'm SO mad right now. I know there are stages- as people have told me but there's no one I know who has lost a child. People don't know what to say to me or how to act around me. I feel like a zombie- just walking around, going through the motions of living but dead inside. I have 2 other daughters that need me to be a "normal" mom. Normal is gone now. I will keep going through the motions of living for my girls but my life is over now. I still see my precious daughter as she was- full of life and hopes and dreams, but I also continually picture her lying there on the street, her little body broken and shattered. I picture her alone in that cold dark coffin even though I know that's not her in there. She's gone forever. I'll never watch her get married, have babies or dance again (her favorite thing in the world). Waking up in the morning (when I sleep) is the hardest part of the day. To realize this is my life now- it wasn't all a horrible dream.

Anyway, thanks for listening

Wanted to say I am so sad for you and your family sometimes there are just no words that are truly adequate. However know there are people that are willing to listen and to offer a shoulder for you to lean on along this terrible journey. I do so much see myself in your words written above, every day I wish this wasn't true, that this isn't my life.

If you post in the Loss of an Adult Child section, many people are there to help you along the way. Again, so sorry for the loss of your daughter.

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Jesse David & Taylor Mom

dear amber-i'm sorry i was not more encouraging. it was just your words struck me, they could have been my own. it is easier now than it was a few months ago. sometimes i feel like i don't want it to be easier because i don't want anyone to forget him. he is in my mind constantly and no one wants me to talk about him anymore. that is why i am glad i found this site. you are the first person i have responded to and i am afraid that someone will shut me down like they do out here in my life. anyway i didn't mean to be discouraging. i just wanted you to know how much i can relate to how you feel and you are not alone. i don't know you but i love you and my heart breaks for you and everyone else on this site. i finally feel like there is a place i can be myself and feel my grief and not feel like i should get over it. it helps me to know others are feeling so much pain. i wish they weren't but at least now perhaps i have a community.

I wrote in the other forum, Loss of An Adult Child, how much I appreciate these forums and the loving support from other moms and dads who also suffer like I do now. Gretchen, I too find that right now, somehow if it got easier, or less painful that somehow I would be losing part of Jesse. I am not ready for that. It is okay to feel the pain deeply and I would be honored to share in that as well.

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- your story is so very sad - My 17 year old daughter died very suddenly too almost 2years ago and I can relate so much to everything you are saying. I know to of the pain of knowing they won't get married, graduate from university or have children- and yes dance - my daughter danced too. Like you I have two other children I have to be normal for (2 sons). I too have that picture in my mind of a cold dark coffin and there is nothing I can do. Hope to keep in touch with you. Kira's mom

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Amber,

I am sorry for your loss. Everyone in this forum is going through, or has gone through all the emotions you have stated. You will experience them all, and they come in no order, and mostly without warning. Some fade just as quickly as they come, while others just pound us into the ground. It is healthy to experience them as they are a part of the grieving process. When you feel like crying, just let it all out. Let yourself experience all of them (like we have a choice), but also give yourself a "timeout" from them. Learn how to stop and concentrate on something else, otherwise you will find yourself at despair. We have all been, or are going down the same road you are on. None of us chose this path, but we are on it. We have all shared in your feelings of the "I will never see them.....". It is very hard to understand why we are on this path. All of us ask that question probably everyday a thousand times. We understand you, and understand where you are going. I would like to say that at some point it will go away, but it doesn't. It seems to me what it takes is re-focusing ourselves everyday, and doing the best we can to stumble down this road we are on. But remember, you are not alone. We are either in front, beside, or behind you. You have been blasted by a bolt of lightening, and it will take you a while to sort through this, but be patient with yourself. I currently see a therapist and have a grief support group I attend (Broken Bridges). They help a bit, but take any help from anywhere you can get it. Right now a piece of you has been torn from you, and it takes a while to remember how to put our feet back on the ground.

Remember, we are here if you need us, just as others were here for us when we needed them.

God Bless,

Al

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