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I do Not Understand


mrsduc

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I do not understand why this loving God we have lets so many things happen to good people along with children and babies. They are the most innocent of us all. So why is it that children have to get terminal illness, or die in an accident while the adults live. All does not make sense to me. And why is it a person worships and tries to live by God's word all their life but then God puts so much suffering on that person for years before they die. My grandmother was such a loyal Christian and read the Bible everyday but then about 5 or 6 years before her death and even before that she started and then went blind. But that did not stop her. She opened that Bible up like she could read the versus that she always read, but she had memorized them. I did and do not understand why some people have hard lives and they try and try and try to always do the right things, but never seem to have anything go in the right direction. Am I talking about me. Probably. My husband and I say if we didn't have bad luck we wouldn't have no luck at all. And I'm sorry to say that this seems to be the case. I went last Monday to have my first mammogram. On Wednesday they called me and asked me to come back because the left and the right just did not match up and since it was my first, this happens alot. So went back and then after having another mammorgram they decided that they needed to do a sonogram and they found 7 to 10 (lost count) cysts. They told me you're ok go home, forget about it. Then I get a call Thursday from my doctor that they want me to have this other test because on Monday when I had gone in for my first mammorgram I also had a Low CT Scan of my lungs. Well he said that they found a nodgeler in my lower right lung and that I should have this PET Scan asap. So I called the place and found out that it will cost me almost $3000, since I have no insurance. So then I call the doctor back to see if there was another test, or another place to go and I am told don't worry about it, just put it out of my mind. Now tell me how do you put something like this out of your mind. And the condition I am in right now, I feel like God is testing me, and I am afraid that I will fail this test. For I know I am suppose to fight to stay on this earth, but if I should have cancer or something, I don't know if I really want to do that. I want to be at peace too. I want to be happy. But most of all I want to be with my son, even if that means I have to loose my husband thru death. I would never kill myself, but I cannot say I would fight to stay alive either. It is almost a reality for me right now. So that is why I am questioning everything especially GOD. What more does he want to put on me, and why me. Or why you or you or you. It does not seem fair and does not seem life a loving God. To me it seems like a very selfish one. I know it says in the bible "He giveth and he taketh away." But I had just started to get my son back. We had been working so hard to build a great relationship and now it will never go any further. Sure I can listen to videos to hear his voice, but we will never speak again. I am not able to dream about him, like other people that have died in my life. My adopted mom died 5 years ago and I took care of her and she told me before she got bad that she never wanted me and never loved me. I believed her because that is how I felt growing up. She has never come to me, and so far neither has Robert. I have tried acouple of times to get to something in my dreams that I know either belongs to him or something blocking my way so I cannot get to him, but I never am able to get to him and I wake up shaking and panting. Why does God choose all of us to have this kind of suffering. Why do some people go through life and do not have to indure this kind of pain. These are the kind of questions I have had for many many years, but for today they are very strong. yes I know we are not suppose to question God and we are suppose to just rely in our faith and that will get us thru. Well my faith did not save my son, and my faith will not bring him back. So what am I suppose to do. I do not understand alot of things and this is one of them. Why must this loving God not bring me some kind of peace by letting me know that my son is finally happy and out of pain. Our my eyes and head too much in pain to hear, or is what I have been told and read in the bible all lies. That is where I am today. I feel guilty saying some of this, but I cannot keep it in. I know that my son killed himself, but God and only God could of not allowed it to happen. But no he had to take my son along with everyone elses sons and daughters to his kingdom for himself. And to me that is being very selfish. Even though I have been told that our children are a gift from God that he lends them to us. But I just wish he had not taken any of ours so soon while others still have theirs and do not have to take this painful road. I hate this new life that I have to be on. I guess thats enough for now. Sorry for venting so hard.

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Please know that you never have need to apologize for unloading here, or for the length of a post. We "get it"....fully and completely.

This experience literally strips us down to our very core. We question everything we once believed to be true.....all those values and teachings we have lived by. So many strong emotions are tried to this new world we find ourselves in, and it creates such instability for us. For me, my anger is directed toward God. This God whom I was told had total control over our lives and the universe. This God with a perfect plan for our lives. This God who is said to be loving, kind, and full of tender mercies. This God who hears every prayer, and would never abandon or forsake us. It's very difficult, actually impossible for me right now, to reconcile this God with the event that took my daughter from me. I hold him personally responsible, and I question who or what God really is. I am also very angry.....as a matter of fact, if I could get to God on a physical level, I think I'd try to fight him. I'd like to walk right up, punch him in the face, and scream "What the hell are you doing up here? Don't you know what's happening to us down there? Don't you care?"

I'm sorry for the pain you are suffering. Please try to be kind to yourself, and allow yourself to grieve for you dear son. (((Hugs))) to you and hoping you find some peace today.

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Robert's mom, I am so sorry for the loss of your son Robert, I too loss my son Billy on October 4 2011 it is the worst pain I have ever known and there is no getting over it, I pray a lot and that helps me more than anything. God did not do this to you, it is impossable for God to do evil, Satan is the ruler of this world right now and he is the one who causes all the pain and suffering we are going through. When Jesus comes he will set up his kingdom here on earth and raise our beloved sons to perfect physical body. Sometimes Satan hurt people to the point they can not bear it anymore, that what I think he did to my son, here is a bible verse that help me deal with the "why God did this happen to my son". " The righteous perishes, and no one takes it to heart; merciful men are taken away, while no one considers that the righteous is taken away from evil. He shall enter into peace; they shall rest in their beds" (Isaiah 57:1-2). The bible tells us they are asleep waiting for Christ to return and the resurrection of the dead into an earthly body, they do not know anything they do not know they are dead, they are asleep. We will see them soon and be able to hug them again that is God's promise through his son Jesus Christ. This bible verse help me also, Job 19:25-26 For I know that my Redeemer liveth, and in the last day I shall rise out of the earth. And I shall be clothed again with my skin, and in my flesh I will see my God. I know you have a strong faith and without God's help this journey we are on is unbearable. I get days that I cannot bear the pain, that is when I go to my bedroom and get on my knees and ask God to help me bear this unbearable grief, I could not make it without him. Pray that he will give you comfort, he is there for you all you have to do is ask for his help. I am going to post more of the bible truths in my journal on this site maybe it will help you cope a little better. This is the worst thing we could possible go through, but with the Heavenly Fathers help we can to it. Keep your faith and hope in the resurrection. Thy Kindom Come On Earth As It Is In Heaven is what Jesus told us to pray for, now that prayer has more meaning to me than before, I pray Jesus comes soon, but I have to be patient, as stated in the bible, God has his appointed times for things. My prayers are with you. My the Heavenly Father give you comfort and understanding in you grief and help you bear this awful pain.

I do not understand why this loving God we have lets so many things happen to good people along with children and babies. They are the most innocent of us all. So why is it that children have to get terminal illness, or die in an accident while the adults live. All does not make sense to me. And why is it a person worships and tries to live by God's word all their life but then God puts so much suffering on that person for years before they die. My grandmother was such a loyal Christian and read the Bible everyday but then about 5 or 6 years before her death and even before that she started and then went blind. But that did not stop her. She opened that Bible up like she could read the versus that she always read, but she had memorized them. I did and do not understand why some people have hard lives and they try and try and try to always do the right things, but never seem to have anything go in the right direction. Am I talking about me. Probably. My husband and I say if we didn't have bad luck we wouldn't have no luck at all. And I'm sorry to say that this seems to be the case. I went last Monday to have my first mammogram. On Wednesday they called me and asked me to come back because the left and the right just did not match up and since it was my first, this happens alot. So went back and then after having another mammorgram they decided that they needed to do a sonogram and they found 7 to 10 (lost count) cysts. They told me you're ok go home, forget about it. Then I get a call Thursday from my doctor that they want me to have this other test because on Monday when I had gone in for my first mammorgram I also had a Low CT Scan of my lungs. Well he said that they found a nodgeler in my lower right lung and that I should have this PET Scan asap. So I called the place and found out that it will cost me almost $3000, since I have no insurance. So then I call the doctor back to see if there was another test, or another place to go and I am told don't worry about it, just put it out of my mind. Now tell me how do you put something like this out of your mind. And the condition I am in right now, I feel like God is testing me, and I am afraid that I will fail this test. For I know I am suppose to fight to stay on this earth, but if I should have cancer or something, I don't know if I really want to do that. I want to be at peace too. I want to be happy. But most of all I want to be with my son, even if that means I have to loose my husband thru death. I would never kill myself, but I cannot say I would fight to stay alive either. It is almost a reality for me right now. So that is why I am questioning everything especially GOD. What more does he want to put on me, and why me. Or why you or you or you. It does not seem fair and does not seem life a loving God. To me it seems like a very selfish one. I know it says in the bible "He giveth and he taketh away." But I had just started to get my son back. We had been working so hard to build a great relationship and now it will never go any further. Sure I can listen to videos to hear his voice, but we will never speak again. I am not able to dream about him, like other people that have died in my life. My adopted mom died 5 years ago and I took care of her and she told me before she got bad that she never wanted me and never loved me. I believed her because that is how I felt growing up. She has never come to me, and so far neither has Robert. I have tried acouple of times to get to something in my dreams that I know either belongs to him or something blocking my way so I cannot get to him, but I never am able to get to him and I wake up shaking and panting. Why does God choose all of us to have this kind of suffering. Why do some people go through life and do not have to indure this kind of pain. These are the kind of questions I have had for many many years, but for today they are very strong. yes I know we are not suppose to question God and we are suppose to just rely in our faith and that will get us thru. Well my faith did not save my son, and my faith will not bring him back. So what am I suppose to do. I do not understand alot of things and this is one of them. Why must this loving God not bring me some kind of peace by letting me know that my son is finally happy and out of pain. Our my eyes and head too much in pain to hear, or is what I have been told and read in the bible all lies. That is where I am today. I feel guilty saying some of this, but I cannot keep it in. I know that my son killed himself, but God and only God could of not allowed it to happen. But no he had to take my son along with everyone elses sons and daughters to his kingdom for himself. And to me that is being very selfish. Even though I have been told that our children are a gift from God that he lends them to us. But I just wish he had not taken any of ours so soon while others still have theirs and do not have to take this painful road. I hate this new life that I have to be on. I guess thats enough for now. Sorry for venting so hard.

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