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My Days Now and How I feel


mrsduc

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Feel like I am living in a fog. Watching the days go by but just can't get into the rat race. I stay on the side lines watching people drive and walk and run places, laughing and talking but just can't exhausted myself to get involved. I know you get out of life what you give, but I gave and gave and where did it get me? My son killed himself. I cannot kiss this boo boo and make it better. I can't... use mommies spit to clean it up. There is nothing and I mean nothing I can do so I just sit some days and other days lie on the side lines just watching this stupid world and everyones lives and their complaining on some dumb stuff. I think to myself, boy if I could just speak to Robert and tell him look that is stupid or I love you or anything. But I know that is the way life is, people do not appreciate what they have until they don't have it anymore. I know that I am not suppose to blame myself, but too late, for I know that my love was not enough, and it never was all his life. The lore of material things that I could not give was more important, but he first did not know, and then when he grew up he knew those material things came with a price. He did not like the price he had to pay for what was given to him, but he could not just turn to me and just except my love and walk my walk. And for that I will always feel sad. I can never change this. Not like a broken arm or so. I am trying to figure out why God put him on this earth to carry so much pain. Just does not seem fair for one person to have. I can not turn time back, and I cannot speed up time so that I can die, just to be with him. So I sit and lay in limbo. I woman named Aunt Rose really helped me so much and people like that I need to talk to. She lost a brother and two kids, and she survived. I do not know how to continue life without Robert. But I do not like how my life is right now. I cannot even when I try I cannot be happy. The pain is so deep that even now writing makes me cry. I have two other boys (or should I say men) that not once have called or come by to comfort me or to make sure I am alright. They play the game when I was around them at the memorial. How easy it is for some to move on, but how hard it is to put one foot in front of the other. I have no answers and no cure for this. People tell me time, but I am not a patient person and I sometimes wish I had never had Robert so that the pain of loosing him twice would not hurt so badly.

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mrsduc - You are so very early in this terrible new world we now live in. Initially, we are like helpless babes who have just been born into this world. We are totally at the mercy of this grief....this thing we have no control over. I am just a few months ahead of you on this journey....still a babe myself. Not sure what stage of development I'm in. I have come to picture us as real babies...as time progresses, we slowly grow and develop those muscles that allow us to at least attempt to lift our heads, sit up, crawl, walk those first few unsteady steps. It takes a year or longer for real babies to accomplish these first milestones of growth, so I don't expect much of myself this early on....none of us should. It is natural to think we should be different from what we are. Maybe it is because we have preconceived ideas about grief ourselves, and we are not reacting the way we think is the correct and acceptable way? The feelings and weight of this loss is the same for each of us, but how we respond to it and how we attempt to deal with it varies greatly from one person to the next. That's why there is no right or wrong way to grieve.

I was in shock the first months following Shannon's death. There were periods of time in which a small thin layer of that shock would peel away, and the pain was so intense that I wondered how my heart continued to beat. These layers continue to peel away, and I never know when the next one will start lifting up to expose a deeper pain that I must survive. I'm 5 1/2 months into this new and hellish life without my girl, and depression has set in. I do still hurt and occasionally cry, but mostly it is a deep loneliness and despair....a nothingness in which I do not care about anything other than my other daughter. Shock is peeling away, but still I wrestle with the reality of what has happened. I am often in disbelief. Sure, I logically understand that my daughter is dead, that her small frame was traumatized by injuries sustained in that car, that she no longer resides in that beautiful body....but my heart? Well, that's a different story. My heart resists this truth...it is simply too great for me to bear, so my heart runs and hides....I picture it as a small defenseless child huddled in a corner or closet, trembling and afraid, hoping not to be found.

I imagine that you are also in shock and consumed with a pain you never knew existed. No one who has not stood where we stand can possibly understand it, so please, continue to come here and pour your heart out, scream, rage, shake your fist at God and the unfairness and harshness of life....I may not be much help, but there are others farther along who will reach out to offer comfort, support and hope to you. (((Hugs)))...and prayers for you.

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