It will be 1 year next week

[BMB]

I am the only one around me going through this. I am an only child, so no one else who was affected is dealing with losing their mother. I have no doubt that losing your wife, your sister, your daughter or your best friend is horrible, but she was my mother. She was everything. She was my best friend, my comfort, my light - and now it's just gone. I still don't even think I believe it. It's too surreal. The fact that everything keeps going, that life keeps happening is baffling to me. Since my mother passed I have gotten two new jobs, moved 3,000 miles away, gotten a new pet, a new apartment, had a birthday, "celebrated" Christmas, made new friends, tried new restaurants, went to concerts - and none of it feels like it really happened. How could any of those things have happened if I didn't tell her about them? How could I celebrate new jobs, or make a huge decision like moving across the country - or any of it, without her knowing about and weighing in on it? For 30 years she knew every detail of my life, as any best friend would. Now things happen, and i can't share it, and it all feels fake.

Some days I'm strong and I want to be great for her, so she can watch me be amazing and be proud. Then some days I feel like it's completely pointless to get out of bed, to go to work, to eat or even to breathe, because a life lived without her to share it with isn't worth living. Sometimes I just want to lay in bed until everything just stops.

She taught me everything I know and she prepared me for life in every possible way, but I was never prepared to live without her. Now here it is, there's no going back, there's no miracle around the corner where I get to hear her voice just one more time, and I am not prepared. I don't know how to do this. It's been a year, and I still haven't gotten the hang of this. I try to look ahead and set goals, and think about the things I will accomplish and enjoy, and then those happy images get sucked into the giant black hole in my life that used to be filled with her light and love. Moving away from the family I have left has made it worse. I thought it would help, put some distance to the heartbreak. Now I'm just terrified that everyone else is going to die and I will have wasted our last years together. I want to be with the people that remind me of her, and all of the memories. I want to be with the other people that are dealing with losing her.

There's no one that knows how I'm feeling. I'm the strong one. I was strong for my father, I was strong for my uncles, and for my grandparents and for all of her friends. She was the strong one in our family. She was the one that everyone could turn to, could cry to, could collapse on. When she was gone, everyone looked to me, and I stepped up. So now I don't know how to break down and tell any of them this. So I stuff it down deep. I keep smiling, I keep making everyone laugh. I keep holding them when they cry. Then when I'm all alone, like today, I completely lose it.

So here I am. Hoping to find some comfort that someone else is feeling just like this, because I need to know that someone is.

[AaronB]

Hi BMB,

Sorry about your loss. It sounds like you are doing everything right. You sound strong and completely together with your life. we all miss our moms really badly and it seems as though you have it together really well

[debbie8800]

I feel the same exact way. I have moved also and it seems surreal without my mom too. I know what y0u mean. Some days i don't know what the point is either. Now i am having health problems, but i am 53. My mom was strong, intlellligent and very very special.

I just feel like i am going thru the motions too. Im still doing my masters online, but today i put alot of stuff in storage as my new place is furnished and i was crying as i was going thru the things.

You moved 3000 miles away wow, i used to live 3000 miles from my mom for a couple of years and i feel guilty for that, i could have been near her longer but i did take her to calif in the last year of her life.

Well I will pray for all of us.

Try and be strong and keep going. I am having a hard time also and was an only child. I drove past my childhood house and can see all the places we used to go together when she was healthy.

[BMB]

Thank you both. As much as you wouldn't wish this pain on anyone, it IS comforting to know we're not alone.

Debbie - There is something different about being an only child - I am so sorry for your loss. When you're the only one there is a sense of isolation in this that my friends who have lost parents and have siblings don't feel. They have each other to lean on.

My mom was diagnosed a few months after I moved to California. We decided that I shouldn't come home. She convinced me that everything was very optimistic and that she would be fine. Two years later I lost my job and it seemed like all the signs were pointing me back home to be with her. She was doing so well and was really healthy. She had all of her hair back, she was out and about again. We had four months together after I moved back and then all of a sudden she was gone. Out of nowhere. I stayed home for 9 months and then got offered a job back in California. I thought after 9 months moving away would help bring closure, but it hasn't at all, and now I just feel worse. Like you though, I'm still working towards something but it's just hard. What else can we do though, right?

I'm glad I found this site, it has helped a bit already. Thank you.

-Brianne

[debbie8800]

I know i had an awful morning, being the only makes it so much worse, you can't remember your mother with your siblings and share the love, etc, it is awful. I have moved, i keep running, i can't find peace. I slept late and missed church this morning. I feel so isolated and am going to have to speak to a therapist or something.

I am a psychology minor and yet i can't help myself. Mom was a sweet lady from scotland and i feel so empty and alone without her. WEll i am going to the cemetary today, then to the gym, i keep moving so i can start over but no matter what she is not there, i have to settle down.

I have started smoking again too and that is not good.

Any helpful comments are welcome.

[ModKonnie]

I know i had an awful morning, being the only makes it so much worse, you can't remember your mother with your siblings and share the love, etc, it is awful. I have moved, i keep running, i can't find peace. I slept late and missed church this morning. I feel so isolated and am going to have to speak to a therapist or something.

I am a psychology minor and yet i can't help myself. Mom was a sweet lady from scotland and i feel so empty and alone without her. WEll i am going to the cemetary today, then to the gym, i keep moving so i can start over but no matter what she is not there, i have to settle down.

I have started smoking again too and that is not good.

Any helpful comments are welcome.

Debbie,

Your suggestion that you may speak to a therapist is a sound one. Your going to the gym is good, too. So, did you move back to California? I know you feel empty without your mother. Have you tried reading any books about grieving? How is church helping?

Lots of people start smoking because of severe stress; while that certainly isn't good, it is normal. Have you tried writing down some positive goals and are you practicing positive self-affirmations each day?

I will be thinking about you,

ModKonnie

[Mrssumr]

I have not moved away but I could have wrote your post word for word. I lost my Mom 7 weeks ago. I am not an only child but I am the only one who stuck close to my parents my siblings live far away and only saw my Mom a few times a year. I am so sorry you are going through this. Just wanted you to know you are not alone and I am experiencing so many things you talk about. You do not have to be the strong one on this forum talk and let it all out. I will be praying for you!

I am the only one around me going through this. I am an only child, so no one else who was affected is dealing with losing their mother. I have no doubt that losing your wife, your sister, your daughter or your best friend is horrible, but she was my mother. She was everything. She was my best friend, my comfort, my light - and now it's just gone. I still don't even think I believe it. It's too surreal. The fact that everything keeps going, that life keeps happening is baffling to me. Since my mother passed I have gotten two new jobs, moved 3,000 miles away, gotten a new pet, a new apartment, had a birthday, "celebrated" Christmas, made new friends, tried new restaurants, went to concerts - and none of it feels like it really happened. How could any of those things have happened if I didn't tell her about them? How could I celebrate new jobs, or make a huge decision like moving across the country - or any of it, without her knowing about and weighing in on it? For 30 years she knew every detail of my life, as any best friend would. Now things happen, and i can't share it, and it all feels fake.

Some days I'm strong and I want to be great for her, so she can watch me be amazing and be proud. Then some days I feel like it's completely pointless to get out of bed, to go to work, to eat or even to breathe, because a life lived without her to share it with isn't worth living. Sometimes I just want to lay in bed until everything just stops.

She taught me everything I know and she prepared me for life in every possible way, but I was never prepared to live without her. Now here it is, there's no going back, there's no miracle around the corner where I get to hear her voice just one more time, and I am not prepared. I don't know how to do this. It's been a year, and I still haven't gotten the hang of this. I try to look ahead and set goals, and think about the things I will accomplish and enjoy, and then those happy images get sucked into the giant black hole in my life that used to be filled with her light and love. Moving away from the family I have left has made it worse. I thought it would help, put some distance to the heartbreak. Now I'm just terrified that everyone else is going to die and I will have wasted our last years together. I want to be with the people that remind me of her, and all of the memories. I want to be with the other people that are dealing with losing her.

There's no one that knows how I'm feeling. I'm the strong one. I was strong for my father, I was strong for my uncles, and for my grandparents and for all of her friends. She was the strong one in our family. She was the one that everyone could turn to, could cry to, could collapse on. When she was gone, everyone looked to me, and I stepped up. So now I don't know how to break down and tell any of them this. So I stuff it down deep. I keep smiling, I keep making everyone laugh. I keep holding them when they cry. Then when I'm all alone, like today, I completely lose it.

So here I am. Hoping to find some comfort that someone else is feeling just like this, because I need to know that someone is.

[dizzydancingway]

My mom's one year is coming up next month. I am not an only child, but I am the only girl in my family and, after my mom's death, I felt expected to take on so many of her roles. The family stress was overwhelming, so much so that I think it took me quite a while to progress through my grief. Like you all, I have gone through so much emotionally since losing her and I cannot believe it will soon be a year. Sometimes I'm amazed how used to her absence I've become and other times I think of all the time that has passed since we last spoke and its so jarring and heartbreaking.

Today on my way to work the bus drive halted the breaks suddenly and a bunch of passengers fell to the ground. I was smooshed by some fellow riders and though I brushed it off at the time, I'm sitting here over twelve hours later, my nose still hurting, and all I can think is that I wish I could call my mom to ask her, "Is this normal? Should I call my doctor? What would you do, Mom?"

I just don't know how to face it sometimes...being 28 and knowing that I won't ever see her again. Every time I pass through some new life event, I think about her absence. And I wonder what it will be like when I get married, when I have kids, when she isn't there. And at those moments, it feels like hardly a minute at all has gone by since her death, and this whole year thing feels like a big trick/some sort of time warp that never really happened.

[debbie8800]

BMB =Brianne, i am so sorry but be glad for your dad and others. I have 1 aunt left, and a few cousins. The last time i saw my aunt was at the funeral.

Brianne doo you live in Calif now. I moved mom and me back to NJ about a year ago and she died 3 months ago. When i was finishing my B.A. in Sociology/Social work in calif i wanted to continue for masters but i came back to nj cause her burial plot was here and now i am alone here trying different roommates, etc.

I feel better today got a referral to a therapist, will see.

Brianne, do you live in Calif now? I liked it there and wish i was still there but i can't leave here cause she is buried here not for a while anyway.

Hope all of you are doing better today. Brianne i will be praying for you to have healing and feel better for being so strong....Mod no i am still in jersey don't feel strong enough to move 3000 away just yet. Still thinking about visiting scotland later on.

Prayers for Dizzy and mrsumr also for peace, comfort and healing and thanks Mod for your comments and suggestions, we appreciate you....

Aaron I am hoping in a few more weeks you start getting better. I am glad you had a good cry the other day, its a good release... Love and prayers to all of you.

[BMB]

It is both heartbreaking and comforting to know that others are going through this. I appreciate you sharing with me.

Debbie - I'm glad you got a referral. I hope that helps. Talking things out always does. I am back in LA now, since January. My mom loved visiting me here, we both always hated the cold of Pittsburgh. We cremated my mom, and we plan to release ashes in several different places around the country, one of them being here. In Malibu. She and I would rent a fantastic guest house there when she visited. I think she'd like being part of there forever.

Mrssumr - 7 weeks is so fresh, I'm sorry. I don't think I really let myself cry about it and let it sink in for a long time. I'm happy that those of you who have lost someone so recently have reached out already. I wish I would have done so sooner.

Dizzy - I have that same moment everyday! Something happens and the first thought is to call mom! It's so natural, then in a second you realize that you can't and it's like a fresh wound all over again. Just moving back west and getting a new job were difficult milestones without her I can't imagine the really big ones with her not being a part of them either. Sometimes it all just seems pointless.

I'm home sick today - could mean a day full of crying. As difficult as they are to get through, I do always feel better afterwards.

Praying for us all today!

B