I must be losing my mind!

[cruise]

I'm still hanging in there by staying busy at work but I still remember vividly the day she had her stroke. She was lying near the couch on the floor and reached out with her right hand and tried to grab ahold to pull herself up onto it and couldn't reach it so she gave up and at this point I didn't know anything was wrong. I walked over to help her and she reached up to me and our eyes met and we looked deeper into each others eyes than ever before. The look was so intence it felt like she was talking to me without saying anything. She rolled over on her side and relaxed a little. She was a big lady and I couldn't move her without hurting her. I finally realized something was wrong because she tried talking and her speech was slurred and the left side of her mouth didn't look right. I told her I was calling the ambulance and I heard a faint cry no no no no. The ambulance was there within 5 minites and 5 men came in and checked her out and took her away. I just woke up and was not dressed enough to go along because they were in a big hurry to get her to the hospital and that also haunts me. I jumped into the car and went to the hospital but they needed a family member to sign to do surgury and it took an hour to reach someone. I use to take care of my mother and she would lay in bed and moan over and over until she was so sick she would finally agree to go to the hospital. I really hate hospitals and ambulances. Now that gloria's gone I must be going crazy because when I start to cry I've noticed I make sounds that sound like her and I feel like it's her crying through me. Collecting and listening to music is a big hobby of mine but I don't know when that will continue. Gloria has a daughter living in another state thats going to medical school and I think she looked forward to watching her get through it. She won't get that chance. Both of us were in our mid 50's and she had know clue this was going to happen. I think I mentioned that in the hospital the last thing she touched of mine was the zipper of my sweater and a week later the thing you use to pull up your zipper broke off in my hand and I almost lost it. You can't believe how importend that broken zipper is to me. I know all this information I'm telling you might be crazy but it all adds up in my mind and hurts deeply. I don't believe i'll ever be able to delete her name from my cell phone or delete the shows she's saved on my dvr and tv. Do you think I'm losing my mind? I'll end this by saying a mental breakdown couldn't be much different. I'll get through this but thanks everybody for your patience and understanding!

[vivkib]

Lane, you're not crazy or lossing your mind, you're grieving. It's been 5 months since I lost my son Kevin and none of us in the family have deleted his number from our phones, we still keep his Facebook page, we still talked about him like he's still here. The list goes on, it's normal. How can it not be? We miss our loved ones. Keep the zipper pull as long as you need to. Slowly you'll find things that bring a smile to your face and they may or may not be things you use to enjoy. I have found things I used to do, I don't anymore, but I do things I've never done before and enjoy them. Follow your heart and give yourself time. Hugs and prayers to you. Vivian-Kevin's Mom

[widower2]

Exactly. Allow yourself to feel whatever it is you feel and be gentle to yourself. You need it and you deserve it. Best!

[kathy1961]

I'm still hanging in there by staying busy at work but I still remember vividly the day she had her stroke. She was lying near the couch on the floor and reached out with her right hand and tried to grab ahold to pull herself up onto it and couldn't reach it so she gave up and at this point I didn't know anything was wrong. I walked over to help her and she reached up to me and our eyes met and we looked deeper into each others eyes than ever before. The look was so intence it felt like she was talking to me without saying anything. She rolled over on her side and relaxed a little. She was a big lady and I couldn't move her without hurting her. I finally realized something was wrong because she tried talking and her speech was slurred and the left side of her mouth didn't look right. I told her I was calling the ambulance and I heard a faint cry no no no no. The ambulance was there within 5 minites and 5 men came in and checked her out and took her away. I just woke up and was not dressed enough to go along because they were in a big hurry to get her to the hospital and that also haunts me. I jumped into the car and went to the hospital but they needed a family member to sign to do surgury and it took an hour to reach someone. I use to take care of my mother and she would lay in bed and moan over and over until she was so sick she would finally agree to go to the hospital. I really hate hospitals and ambulances. Now that gloria's gone I must be going crazy because when I start to cry I've noticed I make sounds that sound like her and I feel like it's her crying through me. Collecting and listening to music is a big hobby of mine but I don't know when that will continue. Gloria has a daughter living in another state thats going to medical school and I think she looked forward to watching her get through it. She won't get that chance. Both of us were in our mid 50's and she had know clue this was going to happen. I think I mentioned that in the hospital the last thing she touched of mine was the zipper of my sweater and a week later the thing you use to pull up your zipper broke off in my hand and I almost lost it. You can't believe how importend that broken zipper is to me. I know all this information I'm telling you might be crazy but it all adds up in my mind and hurts deeply. I don't believe i'll ever be able to delete her name from my cell phone or delete the shows she's saved on my dvr and tv. Do you think I'm losing my mind? I'll end this by saying a mental breakdown couldn't be much different. I'll get through this but thanks everybody for your patience and understanding!

Lane, I think that's normal. I so wish I had my husband's voice on a voice mail or some recording. It's what we have left that we hang onto dearly. Sometimes I comfort myself at night by hugging his pillow or his jacket up close to me.