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Shock And Reality Mesh into One


mrsduc

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Could some one tell me when the shock will wear off and I will completely excepted that I will never get a call from Robert. Or I will never be able to go to CA or him to the east coast to see each other. I cannot seem to get my heart and brain to come together. I know reality is that he is gone from this earth and that while I am on this earth breathing, I will never see or hear him speak to me again. But my heart keeps having me look at my cell phone to see if I missed a call from him. I look at the clock and think to myself "Oh, Robert should be calling soon. Wonder what he is doing today." Then my brain tells me the reality of the situation. When the shock wear off will I then be able to move on to some degree. Even my husband says I have changed since my son killed himself. I just feel like a walking empty shell that has, and does not want to have any purpose in this life. I am just here now waiting for God to call me home, and hoping and praying that I go to Heaven and that it may be soon and that Robert and I are together again. I wonder some days, if we are reunited will he know me, will I know him? Will his grandparents get to him first if they go to Heaven because they believe in God and have been baptisted and go to church (or use to), and then they will be able to turn him against me again and by the time I get to him again I will have to try and under the damage that they caused for our relationship again. I not only have one foot in the not living world but almost if I could my whole body. I just want to be with my son when God calls me. I want to know that he sees the truth as it really was and that he and I can have a great relationship. Or is it more that when you are in Heaven you are just there to worship God and you do not think anymore about who you loved. I wonder these things now. I was taking a walk with my 2 little chihuahuas in their stroller and I was talking to Robert praying for him to help me do this, for I have not taken a walk in probably years. I have had so many surgeries on my left foot in the last 4 years that I am in constant pain and L4 and L5 disc are really bad and our pinching the nerve making it very hard to walk. But I wanted to try because it was close to 70 today. Well i felt the burn on the back on my legs and I felt the pain in my back, so I looked up and said quietly (for their were people around, didn't want them to think I was crazy, even if I feel sometimes that I have lost my mind) and I said to Robert "Please help me to make it. If you can see me help me successed in walking. I ended up walking for the first time in years 1.8 miles. Not bad if I say so myself. But while I was walking I was thinking and I realize that I am still in shock that Robert is no longer on this earth and a living breathing human being that I can touch and hold and cry and laugh and argue with when ever I want. I also realize that there will never be new pictures of him as he got older. And still my body tell me this can't be true. That even though I know it is, I just still want to somehow find out that this has been a bad joke or something. I wonder if anyone else has felt this way. And when and about how long does it take after a suicide for the living mother to release the shock and completely know the reality? Or will I always hold onto hope that I could see Robert around the next corner. I am really in turmoil knowing that I will never talk to him again. And really I try to believe that he is in Heaven and is all right, but I do not know if I can really believe that until I can get a sign of some kind that he is all right and happy for a change. I know that we are suppose to believe and in times like this we are suppose to lean on our Faith, but I also know that on hard times God will carry us and that is when there is not two but one set of footprints. So I believe that for this moment that God is carrying me. Otherwise I would be dead. Thanks for listening again.

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Mrsduc,You have incurred a tremendous shock, you must be kind and patient with yourself. I am not sure I can answer all of your questions, as I am only another grieving parent and the only knowledge I have is my own experience. Yes, I felt like I was losing my mind, for a long time. From what I read on this website, we all do. For me, I was in a fog in the beginning, I could not think clearly and the pain was incredible. Encountering anything that reminded me of the permanence of her being gone would devastate me all over again. The first time I put in the alarm code on our house, which was her birthday, I fell to pieces. Little things like that. Please try to stop tormenting yourself concerning the inlaws. Try to focus on yourself and healing right now. Be gentle with yourself and rest. The walk is a good thing also, and that is so wonderful that Robert helped you. Mrsduc, I want to try to tell you this as gently as I can. This is the walk of our grief. We all know it. That is why we are here trying to help each other. There are very many caring and loving people here. Everyone tries to help each other. Many people wo have been on this road for a long time, give guidance and direction on how to go about our grief in a healthy manner. The road is not easy. It is a difficult road and it hurts terribly. That is the truth Mrsduc. As the shock wears off, for me the pain got worse. I started taking depression medication around the 5 month mark.We are all trying to get through this terrible reality as best we can. Time does soften the pain. I have good days now. We will be here to hold your hand through this difficult journey. I am sorry you are here with us because of the circumstances, but I can assure you we ate glad you are here so we can let you know you are not alone. Love, Maddy

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Could some one tell me when the shock will wear off and I will completely excepted that I will never get a call from Robert. Or I will never be able to go to CA or him to the east coast to see each other. I cannot seem to get my heart and brain to come together. I know reality is that he is gone from this earth and that while I am on this earth breathing, I will never see or hear him speak to me again. But my heart keeps having me look at my cell phone to see if I missed a call from him. I look at the clock and think to myself "Oh, Robert should be calling soon. Wonder what he is doing today." Then my brain tells me the reality of the situation. When the shock wear off will I then be able to move on to some degree. Even my husband says I have changed since my son killed himself. I just feel like a walking empty shell that has, and does not want to have any purpose in this life. I am just here now waiting for God to call me home, and hoping and praying that I go to Heaven and that it may be soon and that Robert and I are together again. I wonder some days, if we are reunited will he know me, will I know him? Will his grandparents get to him first if they go to Heaven because they believe in God and have been baptisted and go to church (or use to), and then they will be able to turn him against me again and by the time I get to him again I will have to try and under the damage that they caused for our relationship again. I not only have one foot in the not living world but almost if I could my whole body. I just want to be with my son when God calls me. I want to know that he sees the truth as it really was and that he and I can have a great relationship. Or is it more that when you are in Heaven you are just there to worship God and you do not think anymore about who you loved. I wonder these things now. I was taking a walk with my 2 little chihuahuas in their stroller and I was talking to Robert praying for him to help me do this, for I have not taken a walk in probably years. I have had so many surgeries on my left foot in the last 4 years that I am in constant pain and L4 and L5 disc are really bad and our pinching the nerve making it very hard to walk. But I wanted to try because it was close to 70 today. Well i felt the burn on the back on my legs and I felt the pain in my back, so I looked up and said quietly (for their were people around, didn't want them to think I was crazy, even if I feel sometimes that I have lost my mind) and I said to Robert "Please help me to make it. If you can see me help me successed in walking. I ended up walking for the first time in years 1.8 miles. Not bad if I say so myself. But while I was walking I was thinking and I realize that I am still in shock that Robert is no longer on this earth and a living breathing human being that I can touch and hold and cry and laugh and argue with when ever I want. I also realize that there will never be new pictures of him as he got older. And still my body tell me this can't be true. That even though I know it is, I just still want to somehow find out that this has been a bad joke or something. I wonder if anyone else has felt this way. And when and about how long does it take after a suicide for the living mother to release the shock and completely know the reality? Or will I always hold onto hope that I could see Robert around the next corner. I am really in turmoil knowing that I will never talk to him again. And really I try to believe that he is in Heaven and is all right, but I do not know if I can really believe that until I can get a sign of some kind that he is all right and happy for a change. I know that we are suppose to believe and in times like this we are suppose to lean on our Faith, but I also know that on hard times God will carry us and that is when there is not two but one set of footprints. So I believe that for this moment that God is carrying me. Otherwise I would be dead. Thanks for listening again.

Linda, I am really glad you got out today and had that walk! I know it is still so very soon since Robert passed away. I wish I could help to take your pain away just a little, I am positive that he is in a wonderful place where he is free from his depression and suffering. That he is loved unconditionally for himself. And as far as his grandparents are concerned. Well, wherever they go after they die they will not have an opportunity to incite hatred. Heaven is about goodness only. So, you do not need to worry about that. He will be waiting for you when and only when it is God's choice to call you. Yes, he is carrying you through this dark time. He has helped me too, Many sleepless nights when my heart just aches for my son. I have faith that is strong. I am not religious, but more spiritual. I believe that within each of us is goodness. Sometimes we lose our way and find ourselves doing things that we regret over the years. Never think that you must beat yourself up over and over again. Leave it at the door and accept that you are making a fresh start to help yourself, your husband, and in honour of Robert. The pain will soften around the edges with time. You will slowly begin to see your way out of this hurt. Trust me...you are stronger then you give yourself credit for. Hang in there. People here care about you. And keep walking! It's good to get the fresh air and exercise. Helps to sleep a bit better.(HUGS)

Oh, and to answer your question...the shock wears off at a different time for everybody. In my case it was two years. So, just now I am starting to try to forge ahead.

Kate

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Honey, Let God carry you right now and for as long as you need to, He's strong! I don't know if or when the shock of our lose will ever ware off, as it's only been 5 months for me, but I do know the reality does start to take hold. It's not easy, I don't think it can be but it does come. I had a melt down just the other day and felt like I was starting at the begining again. I am happy to say, even though it was intense, it didn't take a long time for some peace to come back to me. I even laughed at my husband when I saw on his phone he had accidentally called Kevin's phone earlier in the day. I asked him if Kevin answered. He told me "no, I think he's out mud-whopping with Jesus". Kevin loved to go 4x4ing in his Jeep. I think you got a sign from Robert that day of your walk, 1.8 miles? Wow!! He was there with you, giving you a little encouragement and push. I am just now realizing we are in so much pain in our journey that in the begining we miss the little signs from our boys. I've been reading a book and one of the things it kept saying over and over is "love never dies". Your love for him or his love for you, it'll always be there. He's with you in spirit and I know he has NOT forgottten you any more than you could forget about him. He's happy now and the pain of this life is behind him, all he has is unconditional love for you. Hugs and prayers. Vivian-Kevin's Mom

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Thank you so much for all your kindness and understanding. I hear it and take it in, like be good to myself and that Robert is in a good place. I so want to believe everything you guys are telling me. I think maybe my faith is alittle shattered and maybe I am mad at God for wanting my son. For I do believe even though Robert decided to kill himself, if it had not been the time that God had chosen for him to die, then he would still be here and he would not of succeeded with his suicide. I do believe that with all my heart. I do believe in Jesus and God and Heaven and Hell. But right at this time that is about it. Then I feel guilty. I am trying to be good to myself. I have to try and look forward to a cruise that I really do not want to take and everyone that is going keeps telling me that this is the best thing that I should do. But I had invited Robert to go and he was going to tell me in March what he had decided. I was going to pay his way. I know that I am taking some of his ashes with us to sprinkle in the ocean, because he loved the beach. And that is why I am waking, because I am trying to reach a goal that I set for myself before Robert had died, and that was to loose weight. I am very over weight and I have set little goals for me and right now I'm between 6 to 8 lbs. from my second goal. My first goal was to get under 200lbs. So that is why I am doing this because I am trying to look alittle better for this stupid cruise. I have been on this same exact cruise 3 times. I just hope and I am trying very hard to allow myself to release myself to have some fun if only for 4 days. I know that Robert would want me to. He said in his video that he did not want us to cry or have a memorial for him but to have a party and think only about the good times that we have had with him. I do that with such a heavy heart for I know that there will never anymore good times with him. He has robbed himself from meeting his brother's daughter. He has robbed himself of finding out that now his brother Tom because of Robert's death wants to proposes to his girlfriend. And I know that if he had been here that Robert would of been asked to be his best man. He will never have to have the joys that life can bring, even if they are few and far between. But instead he also now knows that when he told me he had nobody in CA, he was wrong. There were a few that told me that he was their family. They loved him so much and it is tearing them up. I just feel that he could of done so much more. But like I said in the beginning God wanted him, and it was his time so that is why he was successful killing himself. But it does not take the heartache away from me. I am glad that he is now at peace and no longer trying to live up to others expectations of everyone, which is what he said. Now he can truely be who he was suppose to be all along. And for that I am glad.

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If anyone remembers the show Mad TV, and the one scetch were Michael McDonald played the part of a small boy named Stuart. Well this picture is of Robert looking just like him. He could do it so well. Robert thought halloween was the best holiday because he got to dress up in different characters each year. Just thought I would share that with you. Thanks to you all for your support and help and guidance. It is not landing on death ear. I am taking it in and even if I am not ready at this moment to believe what you are telling me, it is in my head and when I am ready then. I know in my walk today I did not know what I was going to do. My legs were burning and my back hurt so badly. But someone on this sight told me to keep talking to Robert. And Robert has always wanted me to walk and try and get healthy, so your words came to mind when I was ready to excepted them and I then talked to Robert to please help me to continue and make it home. So for all you guys have done for me thank you.

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