Jump to content

The Days Are Going Fast


mrsduc

Recommended Posts

  • Members

The days are going fast away from that day I found out that my precious son Robert died. I am making it thru the days and hating it without my son in it. But still I keep going. Laughing when my husband tries to tell me a joke to get me to feel better. Sure I pay bills, clean house, cook and take showers, but with no feeling anymore. Just stuff that I am suppose to do. I am trying to understand why God allows us to love when all my life love to me is pain. But I continue to love and others and still end up getting hurt either from them leaving me or like my son dying. I still know that I am suppose to keep my heart open for loving but I do not understand why God allows so much pain on some people and not so much on others. Some people have an easier life then others. They say that God does not give us more than we can take. But how much more can I take. I know that I am strong or I would not of made it as far as I have in this world. And through it all I am still a very hell of a person, that is kind and would almost do anything to help a friend or family member. But I guess I am suppose to be tested more than most and that is why God is giving me so many hard times. i get pushed down and somehow I have to pull myself back up again. But with Robert's death it is just going to take alot longer than anything else i have had to indure. It took almost 10 years to get myself together after I lost my kids. I cannot change the past and all I can do in the future is the best I can do. But I also know that I will not be treated like I am the type that I can be walked all over just because I am down right now. Some people I know in my life since Robert has died have done this to me. One being my youngest son who is holding my granddaughter as a threat over my head and telling me if I do what they say then maybe in time we can be mother and son. I told him we are mother and son and always will be and that he can not change that. Then I told him that I loved him. That is when he said well then he would have to think about whether he wanted me in his life but I better not mess up. And he told me at Robert's memorial. I started crying and told him again that I loved him but I could not take him coming and goind in my life. That it tore my heart apart. That either we will work to learn about each other or we will not. That either we see each other even if i know its only once a year atleast then I know where I stand. But that I could not and would not always be walking around on egg shells wondering if I say something wrong or looked the wrong way or anything. I told him that is not me and never has been. I told him that I would always love him no matter what happens, but if he did not like what I said and decide that I was not allowed in his life or my granddaughters then so be it but I would still love him so very much and there was nothing he could do to change those feelings. So he told me that he would have to think about it. Have not heard anything yet. So once again with him I am in limbo, and to me that is his way of having some type of control in his life, because he has no control what with his grandparents constantly controling him and having a wife that only allows him to do what she wants after he comes home from working with his grandparents and his father. Well have really gotten off subject from where I started with days going by fast. But it is so hard still to believe that I will never hear Robert's voice anymore. It is hard for me to believe that it is already 6 weeks since I found out that Robert was dead. Time moves so fast and yet some days I believe they don't move fast enough. I know since I am over 50 and the chances of me living another 50 years is not in my favor I see it now as everyday that goes by I am getting closer to finding out if I get to be with Robert for the rest of eternity. That is how I see the days now. Maybe it will change alittle, but I am not afraid to die anymore. Its the living without him that is the hardest.post-298113-0-05010600-1330558540_thumb.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Members

I just have to say, I started to read your post and couldn't believe you were saying the same things I was YELLING at God only about an hour ago. I had to laugh (more because I had just said it) when I got to the "God doesn't give us more than we can handle" because that was one of the things I was yelling in the car at Him. How I can't take anymore and the pain is too much, when does it stop. Your words echo my heart and thoughts. We must be superhuman to live with the things we have gone through. I hope and pray we both get a break soon. Hugs and prayers to you. Vivian-Kevin's Mom

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Archived

This topic is now archived and is closed to further replies.

×
×
  • Create New...

Important Information

This site uses cookies We have placed cookies on your device to help make this website better. You can adjust your cookie settings, otherwise we'll assume you're okay to continue. and uses these terms of services Terms of Use.