I have to get this out..

[Soulsuite77]

I have to get something off my chest.

A year ago I lost an aunt to suicide. It was violent and unexpected, and it threw the whole extended family into a tailspin. I won't go into detail, but let's just say this was by far the most horrific suicide anyone I know has ever heard about, so it was not a "normal" suicide, if there ever was such a thing. It was caused by a sleeping medication, and authorities believe she was not mentally conscious when this happened. There was no note. She left behind two boys nearly grown, and a husband of 30 years. Many of us had trouble sleeping for weeks afterward. It has been a year, and hardly a day goes by where I don't think of my aunt several times, and have tears about it.

Let me start by saying that I believe that my aunt and uncle were having marriage problems, not that my uncle would ever admit that. After her death there was an immediate clean out of all her things of course. Well it was not even a week after her passing when my uncle started talking about the fact that he plans on remarrying because he refuses to be alone, and wants to have someone to enjoy life with. Then, like 2 months later, he has this girlfriend from church, also a recent widow. Everyone was mortified..but nobody wanted to say anything because he had been through so much. I myself figured it was post traumatic stress or something like that. His oldest child threw fits of course, the youngest one was a bit more open but not much. It was less than 6 months before they approached their church pastor asking about being in a relationship/marriage, and I'm sure he advised them to take it slow. Now he posts pictures of them as a couple online, going on fun vacations, wining and dining, having fun. I have heard that whenever his one son comes to visit or makes a comment about his feelings, my uncle says that he has his own life now and he can't be expected to be there for his kids on a whim anymore. My cousins put on a brave face and I give them so much credit, because I'm not even sure what I would do in a situation like that. I have also heard that there was talk of him and his girlfriend going together to spread my aunt's ashes. WHAT???? My father has questioned him about these things and he angrily says well my aunt was the one that left, so it's her fault. My grandma (his mom) is very ill, and he doesn't tell her any of this, but he upsets her by calling and crying to her about how much he misses his wife. I feel like maybe he was going to leave her, but instead of looking like the bad guy, now that she's dead he gets a free pass as a grieving widower to go have fun. Don't get me wrong, I KNOW he misses her and is hurting, but to hear about him doing that and then seeing evidence of him having a blast makes me want to yell OH CRY ME A RIVER. Even on the one year anniversary of my aunt's passing, there were photos of them out having fun, while the rest of the family was at a memorial service for my aunt. Maybe they had their own private service that I didn't know about (like between the entree and dessert or something...and I digress..).

Well now apparently they plan on getting married, which is not public knowledge yet, and he is bringing her and her kids to meet everyone this summer at a big family function. I expect that they will either be married, or announce an engagement during that time. My question to you guys is HOW IN THE WORLD do I deal with this so I don't lose control of my emotions in that situation.

The thing is, this disgusts me. I'm furious, I'm so angry that at times when I'm by myself, all I can do is shake with anger and cry. If I've ever been this angry I don't remember it. As much as I hate to have to admit this, my respect for my uncle is almost gone. That breaks my heart. I'm an adult, I know that his life is his own and he has a right to do what makes him happy. I know that people take things at their own pace, and that I should not judge this man because he really has been through hell, and I can't begin to know the half of it. Here's the thing; he's not the only one who lost someone, we all did. I feel like my aunt has been replaced. I mean you can go on and on about how he can never really replace her, there's always a special place in his heart for her, blah blah blah. The fact is, there was an open vacancy, and he filled it ASAP. I feel like my aunt put up with him (NOT an easy task) for 30 years, had his kids, played the devoted wife, raised his kids, worked her butt off saving money, and this is the thanks her memory gets. He went through all the work with her, and now he gets to have all the fun with the replacement. Yes, he can do what he wants, but he CAN NOT expect others to like it or accept it. Just as he has his own feelings and acts the way he sees fit, everyone else has a right to theirs also. He can not just waltz in here and say, hey everyone, meet the new family member, everyone be happy! He's acting like a teenager. I am sure this lady is a very sweet person, it sounds like she is a hard worker and a good person. But the thing that I don't understand is..this woman is a mother and was once a wife. I don't understand how a mother can not know that she is hurting people, children. In fact, her own children. My uncle may be traumatized, but can't she see it? They come from one of those churches that tell you that Christian people should be married and anyone else's opinion against that has no regard for their happiness.

I know other family members of mine share this opinion, but none have expressed it as I am doing now. My dad says he agrees with my feelings, but then when he is talking to my uncle, all I hear is "good for you." I know my family will be very open to this. I feel like the lone hold out.

I feel like a bad person. A terrible person in fact. I know that I should be accepting, open, loving, and that if this is what helps my uncle to heal, that I should be happy for him. I know that ultimately, there is nothing that I can do or say that will matter, I just have to get over it plain and simple. My opinion is null and void, and they wouldn't listen to it anyway ( I do know that for a fact). I have so many questions that are absolutely none of my business. My aunt is gone, he is still here, and he does have a right to be happy. Other people tell me that if I was in the same situation, I might do as he is doing. But I hate him for it. I think it's a disgrace, and I've lost respect. I know widow(ers) frequently remarry, but for heaven's sake, if my grandmother can go fifty plus years as a widow out of devotion to her husband and the Lord, can't he go a few years out of respect to the life he had with his wife? To make sure his head is on strait? To focus on his kids? I feel like all he is thinking about is himself, and is totally disregarding the healing process of his kids and the rest of the family.

I still love him, but honestly I feel like it would be better if I didn't speak to him, or meet this woman, or acknowledge her coming into our family in any way (not that it will make it any less true). I'm afraid that I 'm going to say or do something hurtful, and the last thing I want to do is hurt someone who's already been hurting so much. But if I avoid that situation I know that he will notice, and seek me out. I wouldn't know what to say in that case, other than the truth. I don't know what to do. I don't think I can be trusted.

I feel like the more people I talk to about this, the more abnormal I feel. My fiance says that I should have an open heart, that I should pity my uncle and help them to heal by being loving and accepting. But I feel like if I died, is that what would happen? Would I be replaced like that? Is that what it comes down to? I can't bear the thought of it.

I know that this post probably amounts to a long, ridiculous rant, but I had to get it out of my before it burned a hole in my heart. Thanks for listening and if you have any comments, questions or advice, be my guest.

[Kenn]

Hi Soulsweet77,

I'm so sorry for your family to have lost your aunt that way. Suicide often leaves lasting ramifications that the person never considered before hand. The fact that you tell us how horrific it was tells me that a lot of people in your family must have battled with the shock that came from it. I think possibly you are still trying to learn to accept that it happened, but the horrible memories won't let you.

My heart really goes out to you, and I can understand how you feel. I also understand your uncle not wanting to be alone. I don't know how open your aunt and uncle might have been about what life would be like after the death of one or the other, but my wife and I have talked about it a lot. She knows that I don't want to be alone any longer than I have to if she should die. She tells me that she will never marry again, but I tell her that I will remarry as quickly as I can. She just laughs at me. Believe me she isn't offended by me being truthful with her. Nobody has ever loved me the way she does, and I have never loved anyone the way I love her. I can't imagine losing her, and I pray that I never do. I love being married, and I want to be married to my wife for the rest of my life. However we can't always have what we want. I'm miserable alone, and I will do just what your uncle has done should death separate us. In my heart my wife could never die, because she could never be forgotten.

After the death of his spouse I can only imagine how alone and hurt your uncle must have felt. The trauma he must have gone through. If this relationship helps him to be able to go on in this hard world, I think it is a good thing. I could write you several pages to describe why I feel this way, but I hope this will suffice.

My daughter died in July and I have really had a battle accepting that I couldn't save her. The truth is I'm not God, so I didn't know how to save her. Realizing that I couldn't do what I didn't know how to do, I have been able to forgive myself and not feel guilty for allowing myself enjoy life again. Perhaps your uncle needs some mercy from you. Let him not have to feel guilty about wanting to live as normal a life as possible in this hard hard world. Your aunt put him in this position he finds himself in, so he shouldn't be forced to go on living in misery as if he is paying for something he didn't do. It sounds like you were speculating when you said you think they were having marriage problems, that doesn't have to be the case, but even if it was suicide wasn't the answer. Sometimes we can't explain why some people commit suicide, because there were no clues before hand.

I pray that God will comfort your heart. Please forgive me if anything I said is offensive to you. God bless you is my prayer.

I have to get something off my chest.

A year ago I lost an aunt to suicide. It was violent and unexpected, and it threw the whole extended family into a tailspin. I won't go into detail, but let's just say this was by far the most horrific suicide anyone I know has ever heard about, so it was not a "normal" suicide, if there ever was such a thing. It was caused by a sleeping medication, and authorities believe she was not mentally conscious when this happened. There was no note. She left behind two boys nearly grown, and a husband of 30 years. Many of us had trouble sleeping for weeks afterward. It has been a year, and hardly a day goes by where I don't think of my aunt several times, and have tears about it.

Let me start by saying that I believe that my aunt and uncle were having marriage problems, not that my uncle would ever admit that. After her death there was an immediate clean out of all her things of course. Well it was not even a week after her passing when my uncle started talking about the fact that he plans on remarrying because he refuses to be alone, and wants to have someone to enjoy life with. Then, like 2 months later, he has this girlfriend from church, also a recent widow. Everyone was mortified..but nobody wanted to say anything because he had been through so much. I myself figured it was post traumatic stress or something like that. His oldest child threw fits of course, the youngest one was a bit more open but not much. It was less than 6 months before they approached their church pastor asking about being in a relationship/marriage, and I'm sure he advised them to take it slow. Now he posts pictures of them as a couple online, going on fun vacations, wining and dining, having fun. I have heard that whenever his one son comes to visit or makes a comment about his feelings, my uncle says that he has his own life now and he can't be expected to be there for his kids on a whim anymore. My cousins put on a brave face and I give them so much credit, because I'm not even sure what I would do in a situation like that. I have also heard that there was talk of him and his girlfriend going together to spread my aunt's ashes. WHAT???? My father has questioned him about these things and he angrily says well my aunt was the one that left, so it's her fault. My grandma (his mom) is very ill, and he doesn't tell her any of this, but he upsets her by calling and crying to her about how much he misses his wife. I feel like maybe he was going to leave her, but instead of looking like the bad guy, now that she's dead he gets a free pass as a grieving widower to go have fun. Don't get me wrong, I KNOW he misses her and is hurting, but to hear about him doing that and then seeing evidence of him having a blast makes me want to yell OH CRY ME A RIVER. Even on the one year anniversary of my aunt's passing, there were photos of them out having fun, while the rest of the family was at a memorial service for my aunt. Maybe they had their own private service that I didn't know about (like between the entree and dessert or something...and I digress..).

Well now apparently they plan on getting married, which is not public knowledge yet, and he is bringing her and her kids to meet everyone this summer at a big family function. I expect that they will either be married, or announce an engagement during that time. My question to you guys is HOW IN THE WORLD do I deal with this so I don't lose control of my emotions in that situation.

The thing is, this disgusts me. I'm furious, I'm so angry that at times when I'm by myself, all I can do is shake with anger and cry. If I've ever been this angry I don't remember it. As much as I hate to have to admit this, my respect for my uncle is almost gone. That breaks my heart. I'm an adult, I know that his life is his own and he has a right to do what makes him happy. I know that people take things at their own pace, and that I should not judge this man because he really has been through hell, and I can't begin to know the half of it. Here's the thing; he's not the only one who lost someone, we all did. I feel like my aunt has been replaced. I mean you can go on and on about how he can never really replace her, there's always a special place in his heart for her, blah blah blah. The fact is, there was an open vacancy, and he filled it ASAP. I feel like my aunt put up with him (NOT an easy task) for 30 years, had his kids, played the devoted wife, raised his kids, worked her butt off saving money, and this is the thanks her memory gets. He went through all the work with her, and now he gets to have all the fun with the replacement. Yes, he can do what he wants, but he CAN NOT expect others to like it or accept it. Just as he has his own feelings and acts the way he sees fit, everyone else has a right to theirs also. He can not just waltz in here and say, hey everyone, meet the new family member, everyone be happy! He's acting like a teenager. I am sure this lady is a very sweet person, it sounds like she is a hard worker and a good person. But the thing that I don't understand is..this woman is a mother and was once a wife. I don't understand how a mother can not know that she is hurting people, children. In fact, her own children. My uncle may be traumatized, but can't she see it? They come from one of those churches that tell you that Christian people should be married and anyone else's opinion against that has no regard for their happiness.

I know other family members of mine share this opinion, but none have expressed it as I am doing now. My dad says he agrees with my feelings, but then when he is talking to my uncle, all I hear is "good for you." I know my family will be very open to this. I feel like the lone hold out.

I feel like a bad person. A terrible person in fact. I know that I should be accepting, open, loving, and that if this is what helps my uncle to heal, that I should be happy for him. I know that ultimately, there is nothing that I can do or say that will matter, I just have to get over it plain and simple. My opinion is null and void, and they wouldn't listen to it anyway ( I do know that for a fact). I have so many questions that are absolutely none of my business. My aunt is gone, he is still here, and he does have a right to be happy. Other people tell me that if I was in the same situation, I might do as he is doing. But I hate him for it. I think it's a disgrace, and I've lost respect. I know widow(ers) frequently remarry, but for heaven's sake, if my grandmother can go fifty plus years as a widow out of devotion to her husband and the Lord, can't he go a few years out of respect to the life he had with his wife? To make sure his head is on strait? To focus on his kids? I feel like all he is thinking about is himself, and is totally disregarding the healing process of his kids and the rest of the family.

I still love him, but honestly I feel like it would be better if I didn't speak to him, or meet this woman, or acknowledge her coming into our family in any way (not that it will make it any less true). I'm afraid that I 'm going to say or do something hurtful, and the last thing I want to do is hurt someone who's already been hurting so much. But if I avoid that situation I know that he will notice, and seek me out. I wouldn't know what to say in that case, other than the truth. I don't know what to do. I don't think I can be trusted.

I feel like the more people I talk to about this, the more abnormal I feel. My fiance says that I should have an open heart, that I should pity my uncle and help them to heal by being loving and accepting. But I feel like if I died, is that what would happen? Would I be replaced like that? Is that what it comes down to? I can't bear the thought of it.

I know that this post probably amounts to a long, ridiculous rant, but I had to get it out of my before it burned a hole in my heart. Thanks for listening and if you have any comments, questions or advice, be my guest.

[Soulsuite77]

Well it turns out all my suspicions were correct. I wish they weren't I wish I had been mistaken, reading too much into it, something.

Yes I'm still struggling with this.

On top of everything else going on in our family, this just adds a whole mess of awkwardness. Now we are forced to deal with this new woman and her family, and on top of that he is running around asking everyone how they feel about his situation (bad idea). I have made up my mind to keep my mouth shut, but if he asks, I'm not going to lie to him.

What bothers me most is his lack of truthfulness. I thought the whole situation wreaked from the get go but everybody told me I was nuts and to try and be accepting. The problem is hardly anyone knows what I know for a fact, and I'm not about to go and tell them all his business.

I don't care what he does anymore, I've no respect left for the man, and no more desire to talk to him. He can get married, splurge all his wife's money on his new woman, be the happiest guy in the world, but I'll be damned if I have to put up with him running around sniveling about how everyone should feel sorry for him when the fact of the matter is he had planned to leave his wife high and dry all along and caused her physical and emotional turmoil, but then when she dies tell everyone about how loving and sweet his marriage was and how he's just devastated and yada yada. It makes me sick how full of crap he is. I have no doubt he feels bad about the whole thing and is hurting. Guilt eats at a person. Hope he can sleep at night.