Not Angry but Mad at Robert

[mrsduc]

I am not angry with Robert, for I do truly understand that he saw no other way to deal with what he has been up against for years. I feel in away very happy for him. But still I know why he killed himself because he wanted and needed (not understanding why) that he wanted his grandparents approval and acceptance and unconditional love. Instead they did not teach him when they took him from me when he was 10 and 1/2, how to think for himself or what or how to make it in the world. Their father has all his bills paid for by them. He called me one day between both memorials and you have got to understand when I was able to get out of that family my ex and I have not spoken. He told me and I cannot remember why but He is almost 52 years old and his mother still comes into his house and goes through all his drawers, and then he said thats what mothers do. I just said a quick silent prayer that I got out. For that to me is not what mothers do when your son is 52 years old. But the reason I am telling this story is because I know and I am sure you all know that it is not right, but my ex and my boys see nothing wrong with it. That is just one of the things I was trying so hard to get Robert to see. But I am mad today at him because all I had to give him was my unconditional love and myself and it was not what he wanted he wanted them. I know that he loved me. But I use to live in my brain that said I really believed that love could conquer all. Guess my 2nd husband has helped me to keep thinking like that. But when I had my boys taken from me, I pleaded with the judge to put them in a foster home, anything if he did not want me to have them, but don't put them with my ex in-laws. Then I found out when Robert got older that his father lived right behind him and the only that separated them was either going half way around the block or straight thru the woods to his parents back yard. But Robert said that dad hardly ever was around. So that made me feel bad. I thought all the time that I did not and could not see my kids, that at least they had their father, but apparently they did not. So I am upset today at Robert for not letting my love carry him for awhile and letting me try and help him and show him that there was another way. But I knew that he was struggling with that but as it turned out he wrote in his video that he was just tired of trying to live up to others expectations and doing what they wanted him to do. I try to think if I had made any demands on him, and honestly I cannot remember. But if I do I take my part in the blame. Yes their are people to blame in this situation of my son's suicide. I know that if I had been a stronger person, first of all his father and I would of never married especially since he was beating me before we were married. But it took alot of time and growing up but I realized I got into that family because it was comfortable to me, because of my adopted family completely controlling me and then my adopted dad molesting me. It all does not make it better for Robert, but it is his and mines reality. I wish I had been stronger, but if I had then Robert and his brothers would not exist because I would not of married their father for I would of seen how the family was and how my ex coward down to his parents and could not make one decision for himself. I am mad at Robert today because I thought possible that I was helping him (because he told me I was), I thought I was helping to erase those tapes that were in his head that I had to try and erase for years. I told him that even today sometimes those old tapes with try to play. And I thought my son was stronger, like me. I did not see him as this fragile that he would rather die than hope that with alot of work and love from the right people that he could make it. But to me he took the easy way out. But Robert I know still knows I love him so much, but I do understand. But that is where I am today.

This picture is Robert's grandmother (my ex in-law), who he adored so much. And I knew when we first got back together when he was 18teen that if her and me were in the ocean and in trouble that Robert would save her first and then if he could he would come after me. His thoughts and life was getting her love and approval. I have a very hard understanding why someone would keep hitting their head up against a brick wall and saying ouch but then continue doing it. That is how I saw Robert and him trying to get what he so much needed and wanted from her and never getting it and never being approved. But he could not see really that he had me and from what I have found out there were some close friends that he had confided in that tried to show him another way. So I just am mad today that he copped out just because of her. And I may be wrong, and if I were I would apologize right now to Robert. But I have seen and he has told me things that happened while he lived there that was cruel and mean. But he did not see that. Now the type of person that I am, I decide that I knew that my ex in-laws especially my ex mother in-law, because I knew her pain for she really in her own way loved Robert almost too much. So about a week or so after we found out he had died I had sympathy flowers sent to her. I told her that I understood her pain and I prayed that her pain would ease in time. Do I really feel that way today? Yes and No. I try very hard to not let these people under my skin anymore. It took me years to stop hating them and wishing something would happen to them so that they would have to be confronted by God for things they had done. But I at that time wanted to see the revenge, that was how much I hated them. But it was destroying me inside. I am not going to allow them to get me this time, but I will not stop knowing that alot what they did and then his father not being around and he wanted his father so badly, and I take the blame of not being a stronger mother against these people and somehow give up my life and only be two or so blocks away and still try to get my visitation all those years and keep letting it tear me apart. But after 4 years I could not do it anymore. I had to move away to save myself and for that I take the blame for abandoning my boys.

Well thanks for listening.

[Maddy6]

Mrsduc,You have been through many difficulties in your life. I am so very sorry for your hurt and pain. However, your strength has allowed you to overcome, you have overcome what many would have succumbed to. But...... I wanted to tell you that I don't think there is anyone to blame. I did that too. I beat my head against a wall analyzing everything to find who was a fault. I know we want to find who is at fault, but it only brings us more pain, as we find real and/or perceived failures by people who are human and not perfect. I also don't think that Robert "took the easy way out." Robert had to have endured tremendous pain prior to his decision. I know you loved him so very, very much. It is so evident throughout your post. I know you are angry at Robert for leaving you like he did. Remember that Robert's goodbye video was from someone who was depressed and had decided to take his life.......so, he was not thinking clearly. I know if it were me, I would have a very hard time not replaying what he said in my mind. However, you must try to, you must try to realize that Robert was not in good mental health when he said the reason that he made his decision. You cannot blame yourself.......it was not in your control to save him. I know you said you have tried to forgive the inlaws for the past, so you cold move on. I too, have struggled where you are....only with other individuals, not inlaws. So I do totally understand the anger toward them. But.....to move forward and heal, you must forgive them and force yourself to let their issues and problems remaining their own hands. I am so very sorry for the pain you are going through. The pain you have endured. You are strong and you will make it. Better days will come and it will not always hurt as it does now.

Love,Maddy

[Jeff's Mom]

Mrsduc,You have been through many difficulties in your life. I am so very sorry for your hurt and pain. However, your strength has allowed you to overcome, you have overcome what many would have succumbed to. But...... I wanted to tell you that I don't think there is anyone to blame. I did that too. I beat my head against a wall analyzing everything to find who was a fault. I know we want to find who is at fault, but it only brings us more pain, as we find real and/or perceived failures by people who are human and not perfect. I also don't think that Robert "took the easy way out." Robert had to have endured tremendous pain prior to his decision. I know you loved him so very, very much. It is so evident throughout your post. I know you are angry at Robert for leaving you like he did. Remember that Robert's goodbye video was from someone who was depressed and had decided to take his life.......so, he was not thinking clearly. I know if it were me, I would have a very hard time not replaying what he said in my mind. However, you must try to, you must try to realize that Robert was not in good mental health when he said the reason that he made his decision. You cannot blame yourself.......it was not in your control to save him. I know you said you have tried to forgive the inlaws for the past, so you cold move on. I too, have struggled where you are....only with other individuals, not inlaws. So I do totally understand the anger toward them. But.....to move forward and heal, you must forgive them and force yourself to let their issues and problems remaining their own hands. I am so very sorry for the pain you are going through. The pain you have endured. You are strong and you will make it. Better days will come and it will not always hurt as it does now.

Love,Maddy

Maddy, perfectly put! One of the hardest things to let go of is anger. As long as a heart is filled with anger there is no room for love or to move forward. We can't get into the heads of others. We often musunderstand their words or intentions as we did not understand what they were trying to convey. Yesterday Dee was so right about the lady at the funeral regarding Colleen. I quickly jumped on the band wagon and responded in an angry way about her. I had no right to do that. How could I possibly have known her feelings that day? I'm sure if she had the chance to think it over she would have been mortified at how it came out. When you walk around in a fog of pain you cannot think clearly. At times you just don't seem to care what you say. Honesty can hurt. Even grieving does not give us the right to hurt others. We are all human and make mistakes. And as humans we need to learn to forgive. Even those who have harmed us. Particularly when they are remorseful. And it they are not? Then that is not your problem. You've done your bit and it is up to them to search their own hearts. And it is also very important to learn to forgive yourself.

Robert was in a very confused state. He was not thinking clearly. You could not have read his mind. You are not God and therefore how could you have been expected to save him? As far as your inlaws are concerned. Well, try to forgive them for letting him down. I'm sure they are going through their own private hell. Move forward with your own life. There is no doubt that you have had some extremely difficult times over the years. But today is a new day and tomorrow is a new beginning. You are going t make it! You have strong support in your husband. Take care.