Days Blur Together Plus Hurting for all the kids

[mrsduc]

Everyday seems the same now. I turned off my cell phone and my husband asked me why today. (Today is a really bad day for me, and I do not know why). But I told my husband why have the cell phone on the only person that called me was Robert. And he said I'm sorry. He knew that it was true. I talk and talk and cry and cry but the pain is so raw it hurts so badly. It has been 8 weeks we believe that Robert died tomorrow and will be 6 weeks tomorrow that he was found. I know it is still early but i am feeling like I am going on because I was taught to always do the right thing and the right thing is to wake up each day and try to do what needs to be done each day. People tell me to keep busy. But it is very hard to do. I have no friends or family that I can do things with to get out of the house. It is just me and my husband and our two baby chihuahuas that we consider our children. So my house does not get dirty. No one comes to visit us. SO I see no point of getting out of bed. I do not have any interest to read even the book I was suggested to get and I got along with some others to try and help. But I have no interests in anything. I can't sew for it just does not excite me. I have to struggle each day to figure out something to do. Also I have some medical ailments that make it hard for me to walk or exercise.

Now we have another school where a young kid went into and started shooting. I do not comprehend this maddness and I feel not only for the families of the dead child but the ones hurt and especially for the parents of the one that did all the shooting. For if they have any kind of conscience then they must be feeling like such a failure and have alot of guilt.

I think that we must tell everyone no matter how difficult it might be at first how much you care for that person before it is too late. I did that the other night when I could not sleep. I let my sister (birth) in PA know how much I loved and cared for her and how much she has tried to help me. I let my sister in-law know that I appreciated her talking to me each day if I called her. But I especially thanked my husband for holding me and knowing when to let me alone. It must be hard for him because I have been told by his sister that he just feels helpless and does not know how to take my pain away. You know how men are they want to fix things. But he knows he can't fix this and it hurts him to see me hurting so badly. But still I feel so alone. My ex was talking to me alittle about the memorials the one in CA and the one in VA and it was nice because only him and me know how we feel about our son Robert. But that has stopped and it was brief anyway. I know I have this sight, but I know that when someone has to read my complaining that it is taking away from someone that might need it worse than me. I told you that it was a bad day for me.

I hate that life goes on and on and I have to go on and pretend like I am getting better when I go to the grocery store but am not hungry. i am constantly upset in my stomache and in the bathroom (if you know what I mean). Just so upset now all the time. I tried so hard today not to take the medication that the doctor gave me because I am so afraid that I will get addicted to them (xanax .05mg three times a day). I was taught to always be responsible and not hurt anyone and always do the right thing. We I hate being responsible right now. Where has it gotten me all my life. I am the good one (as best as I can be) , I know I am not perfect and I do not want to be. But I do know that if all the things that have happened to me between my birth family killing my twin sister and I watched at 9months and then being dumped at a junk yard when I was 3 and going into a very abusive foster home and then being adopted at 7 to people I just felt did not know how to give love. I was to seen and not heard and that was not my character. Robert and I were so much alike it was scary for both of us and at times it was hard for both of us to be together for too long. But we loved each other and we both understood each other. We spoke of everything and I mean everything. He was comfortable telling me when he had sex with someone. I would just ask if he had been careful (because I was afraid of AIDS, since he was gay). But you know the weird thing is every since before Robert was taken from me I just knew he would be dead by the time he was 30. Well when he turned 31 I breathed a sigh of relief. I told myself I am so glad I had not told anyone. But I guess my instincts were alittle off but not by much.

My all of us during our on sorrow Pray for the families in Ohio that their children (4) are fighting for their lives and also the one child that God called home and may that family find this sight and all the help and comfort they need to get thru their pain.

[vivkib]

mrsduc, FIRST, let me say that by coming here and venting, letting off steam, or what ever you want to call it, you are in NO WAY taking away from those who need it. YOU need it and if it makes your day go a little better to say what is on your mind, then DO IT. We're here to listen and support any way we can. I am so sorry you have had a rough life, in some ways I can understand. Sometimes I wonder why things have happened to me the way they have. Lately I find myself asking how much more I'm suppose to endure. I also understand the medication issues. I too am on xanex .5mg 2x daily and don't want to be on it for long. I just can't seem to pull it together long enough to not take it for more then a day or two. You're still so raw and it takes time to get to a place where we can breath again and you will get there. I hurt so much for you when I read this post. Your husband sounds like a good support for you, let him be your strenght when he can. Let us be here for you and don't feel as though you're takeing away from someone else. Extra hugs and prayers for you today. Vivian-Kevin's Mom