Trying to stop the Depression

[mrsduc]

I know I am fighting depression. I feel their is no reason to get out of bed. I don't want to leave my cell phone on (that was how Robert and I would talk), I don't see the purpose since he can't call me anymore. I think of things that I should of done. But I did tell him that I felt his drug use was worse then he was omitting to me and that he had the monkey on his back. He said no mom I promise you that it will be real short ( he was right about that). I also told him that I was so afraid of loosing him and it would destroy me so badly because I loved him so much. He told me that he loved me and not to worry. That was on the 1st or 2nd of Jan. We believe he died late on the 3rd or earlier in the morning on the 4th. On the deffered death certificate they have the date of the night they found him which was the 17th of Jan. My ex said to me that too bad Robert wasn't a famous person because then we could get the toxicology reports back so much sooner. See Robert lived in West Hollywood. They told us 3 to 6 months. And that is when we should receive the real death certificate.

But I am having a hard time getting interested in anything. I cleaned my house all ready and since it is just me and my husband and no one comes to visit us it never gets real dirty. Oh yeah we have two very small chihuahuas which are like our kids. I know that Robert felt the same way about his dogs. But even my dogs cannot make me want to get out of bed. I struggle with this everyday and night. My sleeping habits are so messed up sleep 2-4 hours and then up for 8 or so and then sleep for 2-4 hours. And it is hard to get interested in anything. I have some books that I bought to try and help me understand and survive after a loved one kills themself, but just don't have the energy to pick them up. It would mean that I would have to turn the TV off so I could read and I cannot stand the quiet for then my brain really takes over.

My doctor is aware of all this and is monitoring me with medication. I trust this doctor for he had been my mothers and my grandma's doctor. He knows everything about what my adopted dad has done to me and I told him about my sons death and how it happened. I laugh I can smile when I think about times with Robert and when I look at pictures. What hurts and upsets me is how there will be no more good times and no more pictures. I will never know what he would of looked like when he got older. I would never know if those demons that ran through his head would of finally quiet. I called them tapes to him. Because when I left that family I had the same struggles and fears and tapes running in my head too. The only difference between him and me was I had no choice I was out with nothing no money no place to go no kids. Robert was supported by his grandparents and so he could lie around his apartment or do whatever all day long and not feel like he had to have any responsiblities. I detest the night for it long and lonely and there is no one you can call in the middle of the night. So I lay staring at the TV and try and willing my brain to stop. I don;t know what to do. I feel very lost, more lost then when I first lost my boys way back when. There is no waiting until the boys turn legal and trying to have a relationship with them. This is finally and there is nothing I can do about it and there is nothing I can kiss or hug to make it all better. I failed my son and I will live with my part of his demise for the rest of my life.

[Jeff's Mom]

I have just read your post. First of all I want you to know that you are not alone in your feelings of loneliness in dealing with your loss. We are here to help you. We have been through similiar experiences with the loss of our own children. You must not lose heart. I am so sorry for your loss ,but as I am reading your post I have to say to you that I am seeing a very loving and devoted mother. You did not let your son down. The heartache you are experiencing is very normal after suffering such a loss. Please do listen to me. I am walking in the same shoes. I know you are overwhelmed with heartache and feel as if there is no way out from the pain. But you will find that in time bit by bit there will be a little ray of hope that is sent your way. If you try to focus on just getting through one day at a time it will help. Make a to do list for the day. I did that. Try to accomplish at least a couple of things on it at first, That was all I could handle. But I will tell you this much...it felt good after a time to be striking those things off of my list. This is a very difficult road that we are walking. You are not alone. We are here to help you to make it through the pain. We are all carrying each other. We have good day and we have terrible days. It is normal to be so down when going through this loss. It is perfectly normal what you are feeling.Never think that you are alone . When Jeff first died I don't think I slept through the night for many, many months. I was drained and beyond exhaustion. I would fall asleep just fine and then wake up in the middle of the night when all was quiet and start to think. We all do that. Your Doc is on top of these feelings. Why not give him a call tomorrow and tell him that you are having a difficult time coping? It's a really good idea and you will feel so much better to have somebody else reinforec that your depression is so very normal after such a loss. You can pm me any time. I am here for you. Please forgive my mistakes. \my eyesight is not the best.

(HUGS)

Kate

[mrsduc]

Thank you so much for your kind words. I am finding out more and more that this the only place that I will be able to talk about my son. I know that my husband is very supportive but first it was not his son and those to seemed to butt heads because they were both seemed to be jealous that I was giving the other attention. But this last half of Robert's life they seemed to come to a truce. I found that they had spoken many times on his cell phone about two different shows that I did not watch and they did. So that I am glad but there is no way he can understand what I am going thru. So I guess God sent me to this sight to try and ease my pain. I have been on depression medication since 2005 and since this has happened i spoke with my doctor and then even went in to see him and he has upped my medication and he knows that I do not sleep good. So I have done all I know to take care of myself. But thank you for answering for it makes me feel like someone cares in this world. Well once again it is now after midnight and I had my sleep. I think sometimes my brain knows that my husband is asleep and I go down and talk to my son. I know that my husband would not stop me. But its like I have complete silence and am alone. I hold his urn and talk to him and cry and then pray in a begging way that I could just get some kind of sign or if God would just let him come to me for a second or two to let me know that he is at peace and he is happy then I would have a better chance to be able to move on. He had so much pain in his short life that I could not stop I just want to make sure that he is not hurting and is happy and is filled with love. I was brought up that people that kill themselves don't go to Heaven because that is a crime against God. It has been inbedded in me. Now that my son did kill himself all of a sudden these same people are changing their tone. So it makes me question eternity. Are our loved ones in a better place or (sorry to say or offend anyone) just laying in the ground rutting away to nothing. I want to continue to believe that their is a God and Heaven and Hell (I think most of my life has been living in Hell) but as the days go by and I pray as best as I can to let God send me peace about Robert I am really thinking that either he was not allowed in God's kingdom because he killed himself, or he is really a nothing after death and that is why he has not come to me. But that makes no sense to me because his Uncle who had been my brother in-law died of drug AIDS and he came to me to let me know he was alright so that I could move on. I have never been one to let other people see me cry but I have cried enough to form an ocean (atleast the beginnings of one). Thanks again for everything.

[robyn]

Thank you so much for your kind words. I am finding out more and more that this the only place that I will be able to talk about my son. I know that my husband is very supportive but first it was not his son and those to seemed to butt heads because they were both seemed to be jealous that I was giving the other attention. But this last half of Robert's life they seemed to come to a truce. I found that they had spoken many times on his cell phone about two different shows that I did not watch and they did. So that I am glad but there is no way he can understand what I am going thru. So I guess God sent me to this sight to try and ease my pain. I have been on depression medication since 2005 and since this has happened i spoke with my doctor and then even went in to see him and he has upped my medication and he knows that I do not sleep good. So I have done all I know to take care of myself. But thank you for answering for it makes me feel like someone cares in this world. Well once again it is now after midnight and I had my sleep. I think sometimes my brain knows that my husband is asleep and I go down and talk to my son. I know that my husband would not stop me. But its like I have complete silence and am alone. I hold his urn and talk to him and cry and then pray in a begging way that I could just get some kind of sign or if God would just let him come to me for a second or two to let me know that he is at peace and he is happy then I would have a better chance to be able to move on. He had so much pain in his short life that I could not stop I just want to make sure that he is not hurting and is happy and is filled with love. I was brought up that people that kill themselves don't go to Heaven because that is a crime against God. It has been inbedded in me. Now that my son did kill himself all of a sudden these same people are changing their tone. So it makes me question eternity. Are our loved ones in a better place or (sorry to say or offend anyone) just laying in the ground rutting away to nothing. I want to continue to believe that their is a God and Heaven and Hell (I think most of my life has been living in Hell) but as the days go by and I pray as best as I can to let God send me peace about Robert I am really thinking that either he was not allowed in God's kingdom because he killed himself, or he is really a nothing after death and that is why he has not come to me. But that makes no sense to me because his Uncle who had been my brother in-law died of drug AIDS and he came to me to let me know he was alright so that I could move on. I have never been one to let other people see me cry but I have cried enough to form an ocean (atleast the beginnings of one). Thanks again for everything.

msduc,

Have you gotten that book I mentioned to you? I checked with my daughter and the author is Kay Arthur, "When the hurt runs deep". You can get it on Amazon for less than eight dollars- I would let you have my copy if I could. Arthur deals with your circumstance in an entire chapter. There isn't a one of us who could have a hope of heaven if it had not been for Christ's sacrifice for us. We are ALL sinners and fall short of the glory of God. And He doesn't put degrees on sin like we do. "Oh sure, I do this, but YOUUUUUU do that!"- it doesn't work that way. As I told you before, Jesus was VERY clear, once you know Him, He holds onto you and no one can snatch you out of His hand. Those who sit in judgement of others have a far greater chance of hell than those who cry out to Him. Once He forgives you, it's like you NEVER sinned. We try to be like Him only because we know it pleases Him. You can believe this- no one will EVER be in heaven because they thought they were "good". And that goes double for any who thought they had a right to judge your son! The Father knows our hearts and minds far better than we, even, do. He knows our past and He knows our future.

I was raised a catholic and know the old rules- "suicide is a mortal sin". I still love the Church, but I have a problem with their habit of equating men's laws with God's. God, ONLY, sets the time for our birth and for our death; He doesn't always set the circumstances. And He doesn't see this life as we do. He knew, better than anyone, what was in Robert's mind, and His mercy is greater than anything we can imagine. Do I believe he is in heaven? I have NO reason to doubt it. You can believe it, too.

If you believe Dante (or Hollywierd!), the devil and hell are cartoon characters and a 24/7 orgy! Neither is correct. Lucifer was God's most beautiful creation, and his pride led to his downfall. His whole existance is dedicated to denying God the one thing He loves above all- little ole' us. And he does it by seducing us with what we THINK we want. There isn't a one of us who can understand what it means to be without hope- right up to our last breath- so it is beyond us to understand hell. And that is what it is- NO hope, for eternity (another concept that's tough for us!); no fellowship, even with other sinners. Hell is what we would spend eternity realizing- that we will NEVER have hope for being with Him. Those who end up in hell are those who MADE the decision to deny Him. No one is "thrown" into hell, or "dragged" into heaven. We make a choice. God knows we are going to sin, stumble, make mistakes. No one knows the human condition better than He does. He also forgives before we even ask.

My husband isn't the kids bio-dad either, but no birth father could love my kids more than he does. Their real father is in the picture, so to speak, but he has made no attempt to BE a father, well at least, not until recently. But even so, he really doesn't care enough about much more than himself. Craig came into our lives when Chrissy was just 12, and in these years since, he has become "Dad" in every sense of the word, and they love him. As hard as he grieves for his baby girl, he has been a rock and I love him for it. Your best support can come from anywhere. Sometimes it's hard, especially for us moms, to be able to lean on others when we have spent so much time "fixing stuff". It's nice to take that break every once in a while.

Surrender- to the One who loves us more than any other person we will ever know; Trust- His promises and His forgiveness.

Love,

Robyn

[vivkib]

mrsduc, Rest knowing Robert is in Heaven. I completely agree with Robyn. God knows what Robert's heart was and the struggles he was going through. How he left this life has no baring on where he is now. You did NOT fail him as a mother, he knew you loved him. With all your ex and his family did to keep you out of his life, it didn't work did it? You found your way into his life anyway and he loves for for that. I have prayed and asked to be able to get a sign from my son also. I think I've said it before that maybe God just knows how very hard this would be for us and has decided it's just not the time. I know it's hard and I try to take my own advice, but don't lose hope, it could still happen when we are in a stronger place in our grief. Hugs and Prayers Vivian-Kevin's Mom