Mom was the love of my life

[Leslie257]

My 77 year old mother was the love of my life. I temporarily moved in with her and my stepdad to help take care of her after surgery on her spine to remove a tumor. I loved spending time with her. Her walking and movement improved, until it didn’t.  She was doing well when all of a sudden she regressed until she was screaming in pain. We had to take her to the hospital where she was admitted.  She spent 4 days there until they moved her to hospice where she passed 3 days later. I visited her 3 times a day and spent the night in the hospital when they didn’t think she’d last until morning.  It’s all very strange. It took so long but then happened so fast.
I can’t stop crying. I spoke to or messaged her multiple times a day. What do I do? How do you move on when you’ve lost the love of your life?

[Traz]

Hi Leslie257,

I send you my deepest condolences on the loss of your lovely mom. Losing our mothers is traumatic - even to those who had an up and down relationship with theirs or other issues.

When you say she was the love of your life, I see that closeness as such a gift. But the gaping hole that is left in your life after her death is tremendous and it takes months or years to process. You hear grief referred to as a journey and it really is. The first year for me was very difficult. The pandemic hit a few months after my mom died and we were all isolated. I couldn't go anywhere for support. 

I ordered books on grief from Amazon, listened to podcasts about it and watched YouTube videos about Near Death Experiences. All of those things helped me cope during those early days.

I also bought journals to write in - one for my grief and one that I could write just to her in. I wrote it like I was sending her a letter. It brought me comfort. This year marks 4 years since she died. (September 2019) I still can't believe it. 

I am doing better, but still have those bad days now and then. In fact, today I was very triggered because my daughter is moving across the country and it brought back the grief of my mom all over again.

I would really suggest finding a grief support group in your area or a grief counsellor if you can. I think I wouldn't have had as difficult a journey if those resources were available to me back then, but Covid messed with everyone's lives. 

Be gentle with yourself. Try not to take on too much and be all things to all people. I wish you peace and courage. 

Traz ♡

[Indeana Degraff]

I can so relate I lost my mom - my best friend on April 21st at 5:11 am.  She was my rock; she was everything to me.   I loved her so much as she was the only reliable person in my life.  I could count on her no matter what - for anything.

We emailed daily at least 3x a day while I was at work even though we lived together too and could talk mornings and evenings.   We moved in together when I lost my spouse in 2016 and were roomies ever since...(she loved the term roomies...)

I am trying to come to terms with the fact that she was 95 and she said she was ready to go when she realized her uphill struggle would be too much to come back to somewhat mobile capacity.  And she said she wanted to die even at her reduced state of mobility so being in a wheelchair or worse did not appeal to her.

Her eyes beseeched me and she said she doesn't want anymore tests or efforts done to her.  She wanted to go to sleep and never wake up - she communicated to us - her children.

She was  an athlete all her life and for her to be stuck down by pneumonia was incredible to me.  The decline was astonishing and horrible.  From biking to within 3 days she could not even get out of bed without support from 4 people.  And then a day or two later she could not even speak and we had to communicate with hand squeezes.  I was in shock and so battered emotionally.  All my brothers and sisters arrived within five days of the falling event which began her stay in the hospital and within another 8 days she was gone.

So fast that we were not prepared for it emotionally.  Our mother was always so strong and resilient.  The most resilient person ever.  We expected her to live to 10 even though she mentioned often that she did not think so.

I clung onto her on her last lucid few hours and told her I love her and want her to be making the right choice.  I told her that she doesn't have to worry about me, because she often said that the only person she worries about after she dies is me. I reassured her that I will be ok, and will be strong...but really all I wanted to do was scream at her not to leave me - all my family said I did the right thing because she was dying and they saw the signs.  The doctors saw the signs...it was happening...so me to beg her to stay would have distressed her...so I guess I said the right thing? One will never know.

I wish she was still here - I'd give anything; so I can relate to anyone losing their best friend - their mom.

 

[Traz]

Hi Indeana, 

I am so sorry about your mom's passing, she sounded like an amazing lady.

Losing my own mom has been the most difficult event of my life and it has taken a lot out of me - physically, emotionally and mentally.  I really empathize with you and I was struck when you said your mom worried the most about you, because that's what my mom told my sister, about me. She said I would take it the hardest, and she was right. Our moms have this amazing intuition, don't they?

Please know that you helped your mom in her final hours. Even though we want them with us, the ultimate gift to them is to let them go. I don't presume to know anything about your mom, but from your writing you indicated that she said she was ready to go after realizing her mobility would be greatly compromised with everything that was going on. 

She did indeed sound so very strong and resilient but at 95 they are still precarious. Things can go downhill very rapidly and that is so difficult for the whole family.

I still feel upset that my mom let her UTI infection go on too long before she finally saw her doctor. (She was 83) She ended up with sepsis and her demise was rapid after that. She already had a liver condition, so it was not good. We had to make the decision to not resuscitate if she reached that point. 

I believe your mom, like my mom was ready to go. And I think you gave her a sense of peace by reassuring her you'd be okay. And you will be. Maybe not today or 6 months from now, but you will come to a place of where you can bear this great loss. 

It's going to be 4 years for me soon. In that time I have reconnected with my spirituality. I am not religious in the sense of organized religion, but I found immense comfort researching about the after-life, near death experiences and generally things that brought me peace about my mother's death.  Through this intense search for truth and meaning, I now have  absolute conviction that we will meet all of our loved ones again. 

Sending you love and light ♡

Traz

[Indeana Degraff]

Thank you Traz.

It means a lot to hear from you and your experiences.  It is true my mom worried about me the most because I was her baby; her youngest and the one that needed her the most during her life and mine.

I do have amazing siblings that realize I will be the hardest hit and they expressed that I can call them at anytime...but I do feel like I am bothering them if I call them 3 x a day so I am so glad that you have responded on this message board to my need of comfort.  It is so helpful even if it makes me cry because of the empathy and the pain of the realization she is gone.

I am in what you call the acceptance stage which is the stage where I have realized that I will never see her physically again.

I lost my spouse in 2016 and my mom was there for me and we moved in together and became roomies and best friends - now that is over.  I don't have any best friends but only a couple long term friends which are more distant but great to reach out  too..I probably will be ok, but not really sure yet. 

When my spouse died I experienced an event that made me believe that there is something about energy planes and a few interesting things happened, that are not normal and stand out in my mind.

My spouse died of a massive heart attack quite young and I found him on the deck dead.  It was unexpected and a shock as he was not ill and even though he had some discomfort a few days here and there before he died it was not expected at all.  We both did not think he had a heart issue....just some indigestion.  

Anyway the night that he collapsed on the deck I was at work and came home hours after he had already passed.  The neighbours told me a week or two later after he died that they saw a strange sight; a pack of coyotes came up to the back of our house and surrounded the deck....they could not see my spouse lying there because of the angle so they wondered what was going on.  Interestingly a few days after my spouse's death I went up to a paddock where I kept my old horse and there was a coyote hanging out with my horse which is not normal as they do not act like pets.  The coyote just looked at me and did not leave. He went a few yards away and stood there then sat and looked at me again with calm eyes.  I said "Well hello there" and finally he left after about 15 mins. 

 I then found out a week later about the coyote pack at our deck the night my spouse died and recalled my coyote interaction at my horse's paddock and feel that it was my spouse coming back and telling me he was happy and ok with all of it....it helped me strangely.  

Anyway a little bit of spirituality and I am not really very spiritual but that struck me as very unusual.  Also, another similar experience happened when my old horse died ...I saw an unusual event that was odd directly after he passed and it stood out as a "visit" from him in another form.  

Currently I am looking for my mom in such a way.  I am sure it will happen...

Thank you for all your kind words and support it is an enormous help.

[Sarahismymom]

Until my mother was in the hospital,  I’d never thought of her as the love of my life. Then one day I was sitting with her & just said “you’re the love of my life. I hope you know that.”  It was just so accurate. She’d been my world forever.  She still is. 
 

Beautiful choice of words. My heart goes out to you. 

[silvereyes]

I totally agree, definitely the best way to describe it. Thank you for posting those words, it is beautiful.

 

[Indeana Degraff]

They are so accurate for me as well...my world revolved around her and now she is gone.  I have to create my own path now I guess, it is hard.

[Sarahismymom]

It’s very hard to go on.  The best part of my life is gone. 

[Missing mother]

Hi,

My mother was the love of my life also so I understand well. She passed four months ago and every day I cry and hold her precious clothes and unique items near. I look at her picture every day and let her know I miss her. This loss will definitely be crying in my heart forever and nothing can fill the void. Death is hard.I dream about her and have conversations with her. I find that I want to join her but I know she wants me to enjoy life until death. I don't understand the mystery but this is so painful.

I am so appreciative that you all take the time to respond.  Grieving is necessary and when we find others that have experienced it and can empathize with what we are going through it encourages us.

[Indeana Degraff]

I lost my mom almost 3 months ago as well, and I wish everyday that she was still alive to share our lives together.  She was a great friend  my best friend and very close to me.  I loved her and don't want her to be gone. It is a terrible pressure in my chest when I think of her gone and having to go through the rest of my life without her to share things with.

I hope time will relieve this pressure and great sadness and constant crying jags I am having on and off...it hurts to talk about her to others so I don't do it, with time perhaps.

I wish I could have done things differently in the last few days of her life too...way different.  I wish I would have begged her to try and fight her illness and not tell her it was ok to let go and that I will be fine.  I wanted her to not have to fight anymore as it was so exhausting for her.  She wasn't used to being sick she was always a resilient and amazing rebounder  of any setback - she just crumbled with complications of pneumonia and fell swiftly ill and succumbed rapidly and said she didn't want to fight anymore just to have to deal with possible side effects of being weak for the rest of her life from the illness.  She was over 95 yrs and said she lived a long wonderful life and was tired of getting old and having more and more health complications - she said she wasn't here to be  burden on healthcare so she chose to pass away peacefully