Reluctance to moving forward

[DWS]

It's another weekend without Tom here to share it with. Had my two cups of coffee alone again this morning. No idle chatter or mentioning some news story that I just read online. No one surprising me that he's already made the bed. Unlike last year at this time, I have done some digging and cleaning up in the gardens. There's lots of invasive English Ivy being pulled after letting it have its way last year and not giving a damn. This year, however, I seem to have some ambition to work in my backyard and even have some plans on building a potting space in the back corner....now that I got rid of the pile of raccoon poop there!

But here's the thing...I'm still feeling fairly hesitant. Is this me moving forward? What does this moment mean now? I'm so afraid of losing what's left of Tom's presence!

In response to that, I did what I usually do...google and see what I can find to help sort things out in my thinking. Sure enough, I happened upon this great "What's Your Grief" article. It certainly hits a lot of my messy thoughts...particularly this one: "If I stop feeling the deep pain of grief, it is a sign life can move on without my loved one and I just won't let that be true". 

https://whatsyourgrief.com/grief-and-the-fear-of-letting-go/

I'm wondering if others are experiencing or have experienced this moment in grief. 

 

[AJ4]

I sometimes feel like my feelings of grief are tire ruts. When I see the same things over and over I feel the same sad or lonely feelings over and over they ar e getting etched deeper into my mind. I don't feel in any danger of the pain leaving me. I had a very good weekend, aside from a pulled muscle.  But there were still moments of sadness.  I appreciate that it isn't constant at this point 

[KayC]

I have thatt article, I subscribe to What's Your Grief and save their emails in a grief folder.

I honestly wouldn't worry about it, it can be incorporated when you're ready.  For now, I like what LostThomas said here:

12 hours ago, LostThomas said:

The love you feel radiates often in your words.  I don't feel worry in them..but I do feel honor and the depth of the loss for you.

 

[RichS]

20 hours ago, DWS said:

I'm wondering if others are experiencing or have experienced this moment in grief. 

My friends and relatives say that I seem to be improving. If I'm moving forward, it's VERY SLOW. My grief counseling friend says that you'll move forward over the long run and get there without doing anything. It's been only 8 months, so time will tell.

[DWS]

33 minutes ago, RichS said:

My friends and relatives say that I seem to be improving. If I'm moving forward, it's VERY SLOW. My grief counseling friend says that you'll move forward over the long run and get there without doing anything. It's been only 8 months, so time will tell.

I'm now seeing that perhaps one of the better things we can do for ourselves is to not acknowledge how much better we are doing now and just let everything be. I know that I don't want the deep grief from a year ago but the loss remains. I have no idea what an improved me will look like. 

[KayC]

I don't think in terms of "happiness" as for me that was having my George here.  But I DO focus on the good that comes my way, looking for it every day, even amongst all the bad that happens to us all in our everyday lives and taking ONE DAY AT A TIME!  It's how I get through this.  Yesterday my good was that my neighbor drove us our long trip to Roseburg & back, including my dog Kodie and helped me with him as my sprained finger is double in size and hurting a LOT! (Can't even hold a coffee cup)  I don't know what I'd have done without her!

[DWS]

45 minutes ago, KayC said:

But I DO focus on the good that comes my way, looking for it every day, even amongst all the bad that happens to us all in our everyday lives and taking ONE DAY AT A TIME!  It's how I get through this.

Yes...you are right. It's essential that we do recognize any good that happens. My van conked out at the end of last week...fuel pump just flat-out quit. Thankfully, it happened just as I was about to exit off the highway into my city so I was able to coast into a Shell gas station. My brother has worked on cars since his early teens so he's my go-to saviour. I had to get the van towed to a garage where a buddy of his works. My brother found a used fuel pump that will be sufficient so that saved me more than $300 over the cost of a new one (fuel pumps for vans are more costly).  He also helped with the repair at the garage so that was a cost saving as well. I'd be lost and much poorer without my older brother's help!

[KayC]

2 hours ago, DWS said:

I'd be lost and much poorer without my older brother's help!

I am so glad to hear of your brother's help!  I don't have anyone here for things like that but somehow God has helped me through these situations!

[I miss you so much]

On 4/23/2023 at 8:08 PM, DWS said:

"If I stop feeling the deep pain of grief, it is a sign life can move on without my loved one and I just won't let that be true". 

https://whatsyourgrief.com/grief-and-the-fear-of-letting-go/

I'm wondering if others are experiencing or have experienced this moment in grief. 

 

Well, in my case it's not a choice if I can or not stop feeling the deep pain.

Yesterday I went to visit an old man from Morocco who I've met after losing my partner. I had some time in the evening and thought about paying him a visit. He offered me a mint tea and told me about his life. It was nice, but painful at the same time recalling and missing the time I have lived in that same residence with my partner and that he had also told me at the beginning of our relationship about nice old people living there (a sort of social home)

I didn't feel happy,  even if I very much appreciated the stories of this man. I felt sad because my partner wasn't there to share that moment or to tell him afterwards.

One of the last things he said to me, about a month before dying, was that he wanted me to be as I was before. We had lived awful moments in the last two previous years so I replied to him  that I couldn't ( because what we had lived had changed me)

But yesterday, listening to the Moroccan, I strongly felt that I could be as I was before, that I am in fact as I was. And that I need to live and stay in my memories of our life, because he's gone and there are no more new memories. And because there is always this pain lingering, the pain of missing him.

 

[LMR]

Everything is relative. For myself I would use the term calmer rather than better. Days when I can grieve quietly instead of torrents of tears.

I came across some letters I wrote to him after he died. It was very early in my loss. The first week or two I slept on the sofa but when I eventually got around to sleeping in my bed I would write a letter to him each night and leave it on the coffee table in case he could come and read it. They were painful for me to read, the raw agony and panic was evident. So I have to say that even though thete are still tears every day, I am calmer.

[KayC]

Definition is relative as in:

partly or fully recovered from illness, injury, or mental stress; less unwell.

"his leg was getting better"

 

Not the same as well or great!

 

[KayC]

I wish you well with your impending move and hope it proves to be all you hope for.

[DWS]

17 hours ago, LostThomas said:

It is somewhat perplexing for me though.  Why do you believe not acknowledging a present state of mind is unhelpful?   I'm curious about that, wondering if I'm missing out on something I'd like to understand.

I'll try to explain it...not sure if I can word it properly...but right from the beginning, I could feel the onus on me to deal with this horribly unfair and unexpected loss and absence of my partner Tom. Bam...there's the next card that life threw to me. There was first the reality of it and then second, learning to live with it. There was also the third component of the outside world (family, friends, life itself) which expects me to automatically deal with what happened and carry on. That's what we were basically taught happens when a loved one dies...that we will manage to carry on.

But this is my world that collapsed. This is a loss so significant to me that I just can't carry on in the way that is expected. It's a loss that will stay with me...be part of who I am from now on. So I'll count on this shaping me without interference from my ego....if that makes sense. I don't want to recognize that I have more of a glint in my eye than a few months ago. I don't want someone to tell me that I'm looking better now than the last time they saw me. I know that's progress and physically a good thing but the inside of me still aches because of the void which then presents the question...do I consciously try to fill that void or let it linger? I guess in a roundabout way, I just want to be and let the loss mold me while not paying any attention to what it's doing. In a way, I think that keeps Tom part of me. 

[DWS]

20 hours ago, LostThomas said:

It's one of the reasons I so often come back to empathy DWS.  It has been inadequate, and not representative of the significance of my loss.  I can't make it adequate...and that is my ...complication.

Yes...the lack of true empathy and support was noticeable a short couple of weeks into my loss. That topic was one of the very first threads that I started here. I eventually recognized it as more of their lack of understanding of the darkness the loss of a loved one takes us. I suppose this is where some of us can try to teach others...those who are genuinely teachable. For those who assumed that their role was to try to cheer me up and bring light back into my life, I came to the conclusion that they're pretty well un-teachable. There's good intention there but they just don't get it. 

But there have been others who have surprised me with their curiousity. They were the ones willing to meet me in the darkness and not try to drag me out of it. That gave me the comfort I needed because I felt they recognized the significance of the loss. Maybe that's a big part of what we face in grief... to continually have it acknowledged. I know some may think of that as pity but for me personally, I look at it more as their continual awareness of Tom's continued absence in my life and how that is affecting my well-being. 

[Brazil Man]

On 4/23/2023 at 3:08 PM, DWS said:

I'm so afraid of losing what's left of Tom's presence!

Dear DWS
In the early years of my grief I also was afraid to move forward. But now I understand that time is moving me forward regardless of my wish. But moving forward  does't mean to forget the love you have for your beloved one. It's just the action of time turnig things different; e.g. now I don't look at her clothing every day as I used to do in early grief but I still remember her everyday and cry in silence for a couple of minutes and then quiet my mind. In summary: time will move things forward but you will never forget your beloved one.