My Luck Dragon passed yesterday

[LuckDragon]

When I got Luna she could fit in my hand as a puppy. She was my first dog and my best friend. She would make Wookiee noises when she wanted your attention. And would lose her mind if you did not let her in the bathroom with you during a shower. She sat on my lap and somehow made me feel like everything would be okay when it seemed like my whole world was on fire. She never made me feel bad about myself. She would give me a look like... You got this right!

She had all kinds of nicknames, Spinderella, Looney lo, Luck Dragon (She looked like Falco from the never-ending story), and Luna Lunesta.

She was with me for 16 years. She had kidney failure in at least 4 of them. Today she let me know she was ready to go. I got to spend 6 hours with her. I carried her around in a pouch on my hip as we walked the streets of our town. She never looked unhappy on walks with me. I let her smell flowers and feel the wind blow her ears up like she was a Luck dragon. 

As soon as I knew this was my last day with her I told my work I would not be in today. I did not spend the time I had left just feeling sad. I spent the time we had left the best way I could imagine. I could have worked or just cried feeling sorry for myself. I chose to take the gift I had been given and use the 6 hours I had left to be with one of my best friends. She had stuck around this long because I think she knew I needed her. I was not going to let her down.

I feel like I have my priorities wrong maybe. I just know all the stuff I was told I should care about and that is important doesn't seem to make my life better. All the days I worked 12 hours just to be so drained that I could not even turn on a video game. Or all the time I wasted worrying about a project and not being present with my wife or Luna. I am not sure how I want to live but not like that. Truth is no one even remembers the work I busted my butt to do. But I remember the things I sacrificed to get that work done. I am going to make a change and not get tricked, sucked in, or pressured back into this so-called rat race. I know she is up in heaven looking at me with that "You got this right" face. I don't want to let her or myself down in this. 

 

Edited April 18, 2023 by LuckDragon
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[KayC]

I am so sorry for your loss of Luna, the hardest thing in the world.  She looks adorable, such sweet eyes and ears!

Comfort for Grieving Animal Lovers

 

[LuckDragon]

It's hard to know what to say. I miss Luna so much but I would do it all the over again no question. If the pain I am feeling now is the price I have to pay for such a good friend it's worth every tear. I think am just going to add to this post as I move through this. I have been listening to a song that helps maybe it will help someone here.  “Rise Against - Tragedy + Time“

I know every single person here loved their animal friends and did the best they could in the day-to-day. No one is alone in this even if it feels that way. 

[KayC]

You are so right, and wise to know this.

[LuckDragon]

Today is the first day I did not wake up crying. The house still feels so empty without her. It's tough because I have worked from home ever since the pandemic. She was in the room with me most of the time while I worked. She would be sitting in a chair or on my lap. Even walking with our other dogs reminds me she is not there. 

I have been spending a lot of time with my family and friends, which helps. My wife and I tell stories about her and other pets we have lost.

I also called my close friends and family to tell them how much they mattered to me and how grateful I was for them. I am sure they all know, but I want to make sure. 

I have noticed a change in me that is positive. Yesterday I had a few work problems come up. Before, I would get all this anxiety wearing myself out. Yesterday it was effortless to say here are the options we have. I will set up a meeting with the Boss, and let's see how it goes. I may get yelled at or blamed, but I don't care. I did the best I could with what I had. I will learn from this but will not beat myself up over it.

I had 5840 days with Luna. And each and every day will lead into tomorrow. Tomorrow brings one less day without her.

[KayC]

Luna is having a healing effect on you, death sometimes has a way of doing that, as hard as it is.

My losing my Arlie did this for me, seven months after his cancer diagnosis, the stress sent my blood sugar soaring, even five months after his death.  It prompted me to DO something about it (besides take a pill) and for the last over three years I am a diabetic group moderator, internationally, 7200 members.  I have taken charge of my life and the results are amazing!

Sometimes what their death does is rearrange our priorities so we can learn.  I miss my Arlie each and every day of my life, as I am sure you do too with your Luna.

[LuckDragon]

That is amazing! I feel like this pain and the ability to see what's really important was her last gift to me before she left and I don't want to waste it. I want to be like you and make a huge positive change in my life. I want to be the best version of me for my family, friends, and myself. 

I have been struggling this last year to tell the truth. Trying everything I can think of to keep my life together and barely doing it. 

I am so inspired by you taking charge of your life. Thank you for sharing 

[LuckDragon]

So many people I have talked to have lost a beloved furry friend. The loss has affected them in much of the same way it has me. I feel comforted knowing I am not alone. I know I am not sad for Luna I am sad for myself and all the moments I wasted. I know she knows I did my best. 

I lost my grandfather 5 months ago. When my father passed away in my late teens he took on the role of my father figure. He was stubborn, judgmental, and very much would speak his mind without thinking. He was also very friendly, always ready to help in any way he could, and loved his family.

In the last years of his life, I did not see him as much as I could have. I had my reasons but they seem so shallow now. I miss him and I find myself just saying to myself I miss my grandfather.

I have cried more for Luna than my Grandfather. I know that does not mean I loved my Grandfather less than Luna. My grandfather was not in my life every day and as he got more angry and spent less time with the family I spent less time with him. 

I was told near the end it seemed like like he let go of the anger and was very happy and loving. I wish I had known that before he passed. I would very much have loved to talk to him a few more times. I did make sure to tell him I love him and give him a hug even time I saw him. It made him uneasy at first but I think he liked hearing it.

[KayC]

You are wise indeed, to learn from loss, and to apply it.  My mom was mentally ill and extremely abusive all her life, controlling.  In my 40s I found a book "Adult Children of Alcoholics" (dad) "Emotional Abuse," "Toxic Parents."  I bought and read them and then bought copies for my siblings.  It was a life changer for me, to learn how to take charge of my life and let her own her consequences.  I was there for her all her life though, she had dementia and went to a facility at 89, she lived in the home her and daddy built when I was a baby until then.  She died at 92.  By then my sisters didn't see her.  We were always supportive of each other in our decisions, very close and non-judgmental.  My brother and SIL and I saw her.  Two weeks before her death I encouraged them to come see her, we all met together at the facility, by then she was on medication (long overdue) and I wanted them to see the softer side of her.  When we came into the room, she was singing Patsy Cline's "Crazy."  I didn't know she knew it!  She was smiling big and knew us all!  It was a gift to my sisters.  Two weeks later she died.  That is how they remember her.

I guess I'm telling you this because of your grandfather...he may not have had her mental illnesses and dementia, but perhaps he let go of his judgment at the end, realizing finally in his life, what is important, and what isn't.  Those can be lasting memories to carry with you.  I'm sure he loved having you give him a hug and telling him you love him.

And for Luna, she's is very aware of your love. You two were partners in life!  The same as me and Arlie and Kitty and Miss Mocha (she died in 2016).  It's so sad our pets don't live half as long as we would like!  But maybe that is so less of them end up re-homed or in shelters as we die.

[AJWCat]

I am so sorry about your loss of sweet Luna. You had a wonderful life together and were lucky to have each other. I am also glad you had a little time in her last hours at the end. Many people don't get that. 

I hope you are okay I know how very difficult the first few days and weeks can be... You slowly get better but it takes a lot of patience and tears. 

 

[LuckDragon]

I had a few moments over the past few days when I all but forgot about the pain. I was away from home hanging out with a friend and coworker. We went to this great rooftop bar. I had more fun than I can remember having in a while.

It was an extra 2-hour drive to go see my friend and I did not get to my hotel till 2 Am. I would do it again no question. I feel good about honoring Luna this way. Using my time to make memories. 

I miss her so much still. I love you Luna.

[LuckDragon]

It's funny how things can be going so well just to have some bad news make your heart drop out of your chest. I am scared of what may be on its way. I am doing my best to stay in the moment and keep things in perspective. It's a good opportunity to practice is what I am telling myself.

I feel so alone right now and I miss Luna so much. I am so so tired of the day-to-day of my life. Work is getting more demanding and just don't want to do it. 

I carry Luna's ashes with me between my home office and the bedroom. It helps sometimes but right now I just want to cry. 

I am not okay.

[KayC]

I wouldn't expect you to be, it's way too soon to have dealt with it all...we do what we can but it seems it has it's own time frame.  I'm glad you have her ashes with you.  I was going to have Arlie (dog) cremated but found out they do them all together and you get a portion...umm, don't want someone else's pet with me, want my own!  So we buried him in the back yard next to Skyedoggers...my first grandpuppy...Kitty was next and went on the other side of Arlie.

Thinking of you today and sending you my thoughts and prayers!

[LuckDragon]

Work is hard it’s been hard since before Luna passed. Now it just seems impossible to deal with. Every week things are on fire and I just care less and less. I really have no clue how I am going to do any of it next week. I am looking for something else and have some leads but I am not sure if they will be any better. Some days I think maybe its not so bad and if I put In a little more effort I can turn it around. But then a reminder all the times Luna wanted to be picked up and I ignored her to work. Even if I did sacrifice my time for this project there would just be another one later. The worst part of the current project is none of this is even my fault. The whole thing everything about it is unreasonable. I just wanted to be able to do my job well and then go home. 

I am laying in bed after what was a very good day thinking about Luna and my last day together and tears are in my eyes. I just want her back. Right now I am so tired, lost and feeling so stuck. 
 

I am also so very very tired.

[KayC]

What kind of work do you do?  When I'm at my computer Kodie is close by and sometimes I pick him up and hold him for a minute.  Were you able to do that?  I'm sure you're a good dog parent.  You care, it's obvious.  It's still so fresh, but then it feels that way for a long time.  Sometimes I wish we could rush the adjustment period but no way through it that I know of but to suffer through it, the time drags so slowly, every moment of quiet a reminder... Thinking of you as you go through this.

[LuckDragon]

I do IT consulting so basically in front of a computer most of the day. I am just having a really hard time at work right now. thank you for your kind words.

[KayC]

You work from home?  It might be more diverting going into the office if possible.

[LuckDragon]

I work from home so no office. 

[AJWCat]

I understand I work from home too (before the pandemic also) and I can't pay attention to my animals as much as they want or even as I would like. It doesn't matter if we had a million kisses and snuggles. We want a million plus just one more.

Anyway, being home is better than leaving them all day but still, we have responsibilities. Your guilt is natural and I see it in others here all the time. But try to understand that you did the best you could. 

Also feeling stuck in your grief is also not that uncommon. It's part of the processing and dealing with all these really painful feelings and this gaping loss. Your life is not the same without her.

I remember for me, one day I would feel okay and the next day I felt like I took a big step backward, my heart breaking all over again. And problems at work do not help! 

Hang in there. Be patient. 

[LuckDragon]

I think everything is starting to get to me. Last week I started having anxiety attacks at work. Even thinking about this project makes my chest feel tight. I got the worst review I have ever gotten and all the negative comments are related to the project no one has been doing well on. I also blew a interview with a company that seemed like a great fit. My stepdaughter basically told me to stop feeling sorry for myself and man up. Then to top it off I my sister showed me this beautiful puppy that my wife is not on board with getting unless it’s house broken and of course it’s not.

I don’t want to feel like this. I don’t enjoy this. I don’t like failing at work but to succeed means breaking my boundaries and I am not going to do that. When things get bad I think about having Luna on my lap petting her. I can still remember how she felt. She would always lick my hand. 

[KayC]

When I was looking, I was also looking for a housebroken dog past the puppy stage...then my son found Kodie, two months old.  He was the easiest dog I have ever trained, and a perfect fit for me!  He's a natural service dog and registered as such.  I'd hate to think I missed out on such a companion because he wasn't housebroken first! 

I'm sorry you missed out on the perfect job for you, but you will find another and perhaps then you'll be more ready.  I'm sorry your stepdaughter told you such, it shows she doesn't get the relationship you'd had.  I do.  

You will get through this, it will take a while, but you will.  Sending you hugs and wishes for a better day today.

[AJWCat]

Animals are a stress reliever, pure joy, and they make you forget about the rest of the world. Sorry, you're going through it all at once. So many people don't understand the grief and loss we have with pets. That's why people come here bc we understand. 

I hope you can give another dog a good home because it'll be a win/win.

I never looked at getting another cat as a "replacement" but as being the kind of pet owner my previous cat helped make me and I rescued another one not in spite of him but actually in his memory.  

 

[KayC]

17 hours ago, AJWCat said:

I never looked at getting another cat as a "replacement" but as being the kind of pet owner my previous cat helped make me and I rescued another one not in spite of him but actually in his memory.  

Absolutely! And well stated.

[LuckDragon]

It's been a while and I wanted to check-in. It's getting better day by day. I am doing better at keeping my boundaries around work. I have been looking for another job pretty hardcore over the past month. I am have been rejected 4 times so far and had 1 hire someone else before even talking to me. I look at pictures and vids of Luna on those days. 

[KayC]

I got turned down for 350 jobs I applied for in a year...that's when I knew...age discrimination, I wasn't going to be hired. I got called back to work part time for a year and then, no notice, gone for good, on my 61st birthday. I lived off savings for four years and then filed soc. sec. and took a year's penalty for life.  I could have taught the college courses on my line of work! Sad.  I had medical issues to boot.

I did volunteer work in my field for 7 1/2 years before hanging up my shingle.

What do you do for a living?  I wish you well.  And of course you turn to Luna, your sweet BFF.