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Grieving Parent


Maddy6

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I always remember the last day. How I kept trying to reach her on the phone. There was a surprise we were giving her that I was excited to tell her about. I always become ill for some reason, thinking about how I was shopping, taking my boys to the skateboard park, and enjoying my day. The thought is so painful......she was dead and I did not know. I was leaving messages on her phone and I did not know. ......how could I have done that ???

Hey Maddy,

You were taking your boys to the skateboard park because you were such a wonderful mom. You kept trying to reach Rachael that day because you were being a good mom. You were doing all those things because you are a good mom and was doing what mom's who care about their children do. You couldn't know what had happened because you were just a good mom, not God.

We were told we could NOT SEE Rachael. They said they were not equipped for visitors. "I could not even see, or hold my child at that moment." he was told we had to wait until there was an autopsy and she was at the funeral home to be able to see her. It was devastating. We had to get all of our children together and tell them. It was so very horrible. So heartbreaking.

Were any of you'll in situations like mine denied to see your child?

I didn't get to see my daughter until after the autopsy either, because I got there too late. It was very hard not being able to see her, but I understood that it had to be done that way. The cause of death had to be determined, so they couldn't take time to comfort me.

Is this normal for the police to tell parents like this? Then to be told in a business like fashion over the phone?

Unfortunately this happens so often that it does become business as usual for a lot of people. However everyone who talked to me were very kind, and told me they were sorry for my daughter's death.

Also, do any of you think it was bizarre that I did not realize what the police lady was telling us when she said to call the medical examiner.

I don't think it was bizarre at all. Unless you had had an experience like that before you wouldn't know what they wanted to talk to you about. Your mind just didn't go there, so you are just as human as I am.

Also, I kept thinking about the moment she left her body and realized she was not coming back and I wondered what she thought. This ALWAYS haunts me. I kept thinking about the angels and what they might have said to her. I thought, and I still do, about what she thought when she was leaving. I know it would have hurt her so much because she would have realized how we would miss her. This hurts me so desperately at the thought of her knowing she was going to leave us, that her life was over. We did not get to say good bye....she did not get to say good bye. I am weeping as I write this...the pain is so raw.

I know that she wasn't sad because she was leaving, she didn't have time. She is in a place where there is no more sadness. We can't really imagine how good it is there, and what excitement it must be to see such a beautiful place for the first time. Don't worry about her being sad, she knows she didn't need to say good bye. A vapor will disappear and you will be with her again. She is happy, be happy for her.

Have a great day Maddy.

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You have helped me so many times. I wanted to reach out and try and help you. I think in the back of your mind when the police woman said call the medical examiners that you knew but you would not and could not grasp what was going on, since you had decided and knew that as you said the police would bother people for other things. So in your mind, I believe you figured it was something like she had been in an accident or something like that. I believe it is normal.

Now I hurt for you that you were not allowed to see Rachael until she was in the casket. But to me you were the lucky one. I did not even get that because my son had not been found for over two weeks so he was cremated. So I never got to see him or touch him and have that finally kiss on that cold died face and have my closure either. We both did not get the closure of being able to say goodbye. I guess what I have been doing is begging Robert and God to allow Robert to come to me just once to let me know he is alright and at peace. I know then and only then I will be able to move one as best as I can without my wonderful child and best friend in my life. But when our children or friend or whomever we know kills themselves or dies suddenly we are robbed from being able to say everything we want to say to them like goodbye so we can get some closure. So I tell people that have love ones that have a terminal illness that take the time to say everything you want to say to that person before its too late, so when they are gone you will not have any guilt for not saying something. I have always been kind of jealous of people that have a loved one that has a terminal illness (sorry if I offend anyone) because they do have the chance to say everything and try to get closure while their loved one is still alive. I know that it is hard because I went through it with my mother. I was able while I took care of her to say everything I wanted and needed to say and she said to me all she wanted to say until she did not understand anything anymore. So I know the heartache of taking care of someone who is dying of a terminal illness. But at the same time I would rather have a loved one die that way then suddenly. I too wonder what Roberts' last thoughts were just before he died. Was he happy that he was dying or was he sorry and wanted to stop it but it was too late. I will never know. I wonder if he thought of me or all the family that really loved him (all in their own why) and how he would be hurting them for doing what he was doing. But my son said in his suicide video that he was sorry for hurting us but he had to think of himself and do what was right for him and he was tired of fighting the demons in his head and trying to live up to everyones expectations. Did you have any clues looking back now. Or was it a complete shock that she died. I am here for you and hurt for your pain. I know how you feel for I feel and think alot of the same things you do.

I am a grieving parent, a grieving mother. I need kindness and understanding. I am not the only one, we all face the most horrendous path a parent is unfortunate enough to find themselves on.

I wanted to share my experience of the day Rachael died. Every moment, every detail is imbedded in my psyche and will remain until the day I die. Why.....I wonder....why.....when the birth and details surrounding it are so beautiful....why is it the details surrounding her death that haunt me? Why do I have the need to revisit it I wonder? I do know it is the day I died. The day that the person who innocently and faithfully believed .......that person within died.

My Story:

Rachael died at the family of her boyfriend's house. Her boyfriend's dad went to work that morning and his son was sleeping on the couch. His son was "snoring." it was 6 am. He turned the lamp off that was left on next to his son. Rachael was in the bedroom sleeping. She had apparently already died. No one knew yet. It was not until her boyfriend's younger sister woke up and went to wake her brother up at 9 am, that it was discovered. She then ran to get Rachael and found Rachael dead also. They determined Rachael died around 3 am. Her boyfriend between 6 and 9 am sometime. I don't remember the exact time from the coroner's report now.

I always remember the last day. How I kept trying to reach her on the phone. There was a surprise we were giving her that I was excited to tell her about. I always become ill for some reason, thinking about how I was shopping, taking my boys tote skateboard park, and enjoying my day. The thought is so painful......she was dead and I did not know. I was leaving messages on her phone and I did not know. ......how could I have done that ???

When I got home one of my son's told me a policeman had come to our house. Rachael's boyfriend's family did not call us. They were unsure what to do. I understand. Anyway, the police told my son he needed to talk to me. The police in Texas are crazy and bug good citizens for stupid stuff, like parking your car the wrong way on the street. So I thought.....great, wonder what that is about. Then dismissed it as probably something stupid.

Then the police came back that evening. My husband was home. Thank goodness it was when my husband was there. I saw the police car outside and thought....great, what kind of stupid thing are these police coming to our door for now? (you would have to know how much police there are here. They are everywhere). (Not to offend anyone, please, please do not take offense. I have family in law enforcement, and am grateful for the police).

Then they came to the door and asked if we were Rachael's parents. The police lady told my husband we needed to call the medical examiner's office they needed to speak to him. THIS IS WHERE I AM DUMB......I ask the lady if everything is OK, is Rachael OK? I'm thinking maybe Rachael was arrested or something. The police lady says she does not know, she says all she knows is we need to call the medical examiner and she cannot leave until we do.She comes in our house and starts looking at pictures of Rachael on display. I guess she figures I am stupid (my husband who is not stupid went upstairs to our bedroom to call). Then I realize where is my husband, something is amiss, I race upstairs and grab the other phone in our bedroom just in time to hear in a business like casual voice...."your daughter is dead." I remember screaming and hearing my husband's stunned voice, this news delivered with no sympathy whatsoever. Business as usual. We call people all day long and tell them their kid is dead. I guess the police lady heard the scream and cleared out at that point cause I don't know what happened after that. We were told we could NOT SEE Rachael. They said they were not equipped for visitors. "I could not even see, or hold my child at that moment." he was told we had to wait until there was an autopsy and she was at the funeral home to be able to see her. It was devastating. We had to get all of our children together and tell them. It was so very horrible. So heartbreaking.

Were any of you'll in situations like mine denied to see your child?

Is this normal for the police to tell parents like this? Then to be told in a business like fashion over the phone?

Also, do any of you think it was bizarre that I did not realize what the police lady was telling us when she said to call the medical examiner.

Also, I kept thinking about the moment she left her body and realized she was not coming back and I wondered what she thought. This ALWAYS haunts me. I kept thinking about the angels and what they might have said to her. I thought, and I still do, about what she thought when she was leaving. I know it would have hurt her so much because she would have realized how we would miss her. This hurts me so desperately at the thought of her knowing she was going to leave us, that her life was over. We did not get to say good bye....she did not get to say good bye. I am weeping as I write this...the pain is so raw.

Thank you for listening.....I have needed to talk about this since the beginning. I have needed to revisit.

Remembering Her Forever,

Maddy

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I might be too far into my own grief to understand something, so if I offend you I do not mean too. Is it my understanding that it was an accidental overdose or was it done on purpose? Or do you not know. But first of all you can not blame yourself for not getting her into therapy after her close cousin died. You can not keep beating yourself up because you should of , could of, or would of done this this or this. You do not know that she would still be here if she had gone into therapy after her close cousin had died. You cannot and should not beat yourself up for not doing something. It is not your fault. We all think this alot after a great loss. I know that I have held Robert's urn and cried telling him I am so sorry for my part of not being able to be the mother that he deserved and was not able to protect him from all that he went thru with his grandparents. I know some because he told me. But I cannot and will not let this define me and destrol me. I know that if I was told I would die tomorrow, I would not be sad for I would be able to see Robert. I would very much miss and not want to hurt my husband or my other boys. But I feel that my other boys since they do not want me in their life that they would not be as hurt as my husband would be. My husband and I have been together for 23 years and he is my soul mate. But at the same time I want Robert. too. So I understand being in both worlds. Lets get through this with my help and everyone else.

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No you have not offended me. I know you would never mean to offend anyway :-) She had a history in the past where she used drugs. I guess that that happened I blame myself. That's another story. But she had gone to Teen Challenge for over a year while we were in a hotel fighting for our lives through the whole Hurricane Katrina ordeal. When she came back we were in a new location...Texas.....I am a 6th generation New Orleans native and this was a big change. Poor kid was trying to move forward and settle in. Also, Linda....she had a boyfriend commit suicide. I think that was really what precipitated the drug use. We didn't go to therapist growing up....I didn't really know about therapist's. We didn't get her counsel, or anything. I would not find out for years later that poor Rachael endured the gossip and comments by kids blaming her. Wow......get the picture? Do I sound like a crappy parent yet?She was at her boyfriend's family's house. They had come in very happy and talking about their plans for the next day. She had gotten a tattoo that night. She lied to me about what she was doing cause I was a big stupid idiot that didn't want her to get a tattoo. If she was alive I would go get a mother/ daughter tattoo and blow her mind :-) anyway they were joking and talking with her boyfriend's dad. Her ot friend slept on the couch and Rachaelin the bedroom. They were happy that night. Dad says they did not appear o be on anything. The causes were undetermined. The boyfriend did not have a drug use history, but because of Rachael's history police "assumed." Also.....the boyfriend's truck tire was slashed. Police were not even interested. When the boy's mother went o get the tire repaired they told her......you need a new tire....it was slashed. Police would o do anything, I have to CHOOSE to put this behind me...forgive myself. Thank you for your comfort and support Linda.

LOVE,Maddy

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I am a grieving parent, a grieving mother. I need kindness and understanding. I am not the only one, we all face the most horrendous path a parent is unfortunate enough to find themselves on.

I wanted to share my experience of the day Rachael died. Every moment, every detail is imbedded in my psyche and will remain until the day I die. Why.....I wonder....why.....when the birth and details surrounding it are so beautiful....why is it the details surrounding her death that haunt me? Why do I have the need to revisit it I wonder? I do know it is the day I died. The day that the person who innocently and faithfully believed .......that person within died.

My Story:

Rachael died at the family of her boyfriend's house. Her boyfriend's dad went to work that morning and his son was sleeping on the couch. His son was "snoring." it was 6 am. He turned the lamp off that was left on next to his son. Rachael was in the bedroom sleeping. She had apparently already died. No one knew yet. It was not until her boyfriend's younger sister woke up and went to wake her brother up at 9 am, that it was discovered. She then ran to get Rachael and found Rachael dead also. They determined Rachael died around 3 am. Her boyfriend between 6 and 9 am sometime. I don't remember the exact time from the coroner's report now.

I always remember the last day. How I kept trying to reach her on the phone. There was a surprise we were giving her that I was excited to tell her about. I always become ill for some reason, thinking about how I was shopping, taking my boys tote skateboard park, and enjoying my day. The thought is so painful......she was dead and I did not know. I was leaving messages on her phone and I did not know. ......how could I have done that ???

When I got home one of my son's told me a policeman had come to our house. Rachael's boyfriend's family did not call us. They were unsure what to do. I understand. Anyway, the police told my son he needed to talk to me. The police in Texas are crazy and bug good citizens for stupid stuff, like parking your car the wrong way on the street. So I thought.....great, wonder what that is about. Then dismissed it as probably something stupid.

Then the police came back that evening. My husband was home. Thank goodness it was when my husband was there. I saw the police car outside and thought....great, what kind of stupid thing are these police coming to our door for now? (you would have to know how much police there are here. They are everywhere). (Not to offend anyone, please, please do not take offense. I have family in law enforcement, and am grateful for the police).

Then they came to the door and asked if we were Rachael's parents. The police lady told my husband we needed to call the medical examiner's office they needed to speak to him. THIS IS WHERE I AM DUMB......I ask the lady if everything is OK, is Rachael OK? I'm thinking maybe Rachael was arrested or something. The police lady says she does not know, she says all she knows is we need to call the medical examiner and she cannot leave until we do.She comes in our house and starts looking at pictures of Rachael on display. I guess she figures I am stupid (my husband who is not stupid went upstairs to our bedroom to call). Then I realize where is my husband, something is amiss, I race upstairs and grab the other phone in our bedroom just in time to hear in a business like casual voice...."your daughter is dead." I remember screaming and hearing my husband's stunned voice, this news delivered with no sympathy whatsoever. Business as usual. We call people all day long and tell them their kid is dead. I guess the police lady heard the scream and cleared out at that point cause I don't know what happened after that. We were told we could NOT SEE Rachael. They said they were not equipped for visitors. "I could not even see, or hold my child at that moment." he was told we had to wait until there was an autopsy and she was at the funeral home to be able to see her. It was devastating. We had to get all of our children together and tell them. It was so very horrible. So heartbreaking.

Were any of you'll in situations like mine denied to see your child?

Is this normal for the police to tell parents like this? Then to be told in a business like fashion over the phone?

Also, do any of you think it was bizarre that I did not realize what the police lady was telling us when she said to call the medical examiner.

Also, I kept thinking about the moment she left her body and realized she was not coming back and I wondered what she thought. This ALWAYS haunts me. I kept thinking about the angels and what they might have said to her. I thought, and I still do, about what she thought when she was leaving. I know it would have hurt her so much because she would have realized how we would miss her. This hurts me so desperately at the thought of her knowing she was going to leave us, that her life was over. We did not get to say good bye....she did not get to say good bye. I am weeping as I write this...the pain is so raw.

Thank you for listening.....I have needed to talk about this since the beginning. I have needed to revisit.

Remembering Her Forever,

Maddy

Maddy dear,

There is no shame in anything you have said. There isn't a one of us that hasn't thought "Could I have done something?", "why did I do that, or this, or something else"; "people must think I'm nutz!". We have ALL been there. You were doing "Mom stuff"- taking your boys to the skatepark, and probably thinking about what to make for dinner that night- I've been there. When Chrissy was in the Air Force, we sometimes lived thousands of miles apart, but the "mom stuff" for the other two didn't stop, it all still goes on. It has to. It still does now.

I am making no excuses for the medical examiner- please know that. I know what I saw in my years in medicine, so I can only imagine what HE sees every day. The medical examiner for Chrissy was a cold fish, too, but I didn't fault him. I don't now. He cut me off mid-question :"when I know something, you'll know something" was all he said. I suppose it was tough for him to walk in the house with us all looking at him as if HE could clarify it all!

When we were called to the hospital, all the way there, I denied that it could be anything truly serious. I figured I would be scolding her for not getting enough sleep, or working too hard. I was SO sure I would see her with an IV and trying to tell me that everything was fine. That wasn't to be. We were all there with her. But here's the thing, Maddy- I have this habit. I put my hand on my kids' cheek and give two kisses on the other, then stroke their hair. I have always done this. I did it with Chrissy one last time, but the warmth and the responsiveness was not there. I knew then that she was gone. I also knew that there was no point in pretending that she was. I rounded everyone up, herded them out and told them, "Chrissy is not here now". BUT, she is "HERE", everywhere any one of us IS. And it's the same with Rachael.

My son once said that he could imagine Chrissy leaving, but arguing with God all the way to heaven. I asked him to remember how much she trusted Him, and that I KNEW, without ANY doubt, that she was thrilled and happy and completely obedient. She KNEW we would be OK. Maddy, our children are in a place of incredible beauty and peace. They ARE happy and KNOW we will be with them again and that we will never be separated again.

Love

Robyn

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Maddy, First, I'm having a not so good day, it's the 5 month mark for me, so I hope what I'm trying to say comes across o.k. I think not getting it when we are told our child is gone is normal. I think it's our mind trying to protect us. As parents I think we hope and pray we never get told our child has been hurt and is in the hospital, but if that's what happens, we still have hope. As long as our child is alive, we hold on to that hope. We never really imagine being told they're gone. When my ex-husband called me the night Kevin passed, it took him what seemed like forever to tell me the police were just at his door and told him our son "hanged himself". My ex was very angry at the way they told him. When he finaly told me, I was angry at him for not telling me what hospital Kevin was is and if he would be alright. I waited and waited for him to tell me, than reality kicked in and I knew what he was saying. As parents, how can we ever be ready to hear this kind of news? Our minds will try to rationalize and make everything O.K., even if that means not exepting or hearing what we are being told. I think it's the begining of the shock we go through. As far as the police go, I guess now that I think about it, (I've always been one to try to look at both sides of things) I know they have training about notifiying family, but they can only tell them the facts as they see or are told. They have to notify families as soon as possible and most of the time all the facts are not known. How hard can that be for them? Having to tell someone thier loved one is gone and not have all the info needed. Then there is the emotions they must go through. I know they see alot of death in thier jobs but I can't think it gets easier for them to deal with. They can seem very insensitive and not so helpful but I think they do the best they can at the time. They have to keep some kind of distance so they can go home to thier families or go on with thier jobs, save thier mental health to continue on. Don't beat yourself up or blame yourself for going about you daily routine when you really had no way of knowing what was going on with Rachael. You're a busy mom with other children and things to do. She knows your love her and if you could have done anything to change that day, you would have moved a mountian to save her. Your a mother. I know it still hurts and believe me I go through the same thing. I too, would have done anything to have been able to stop that horrible night from happening. I have tears flowing for all of us who have to travel this journey of pain, hurt, regrets, and unanswerd questions. Hugs and prayers. Vivian-Kevin's Mom

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