when does this get easier?

[delavinaskye]

Ok, talking about any of this has been hard, to say the least. But if I don't get it out, Im going to lose my mind more than I think  already have. Please forgive the word vomit. My husband had a heart attack on my mom's birthday 2021.  He held out for 5 1/2 weeks and died the day befor my nephew's birthday and 5 days before my dad's. During that time, my dad also got really sick and was put on hospice. He died 3 month to the day from my husband and we said our final farwell to him on my husband's birthday. I've since then lost 9 more people from my life, both family and friends alike, the 2 most recent in the last 4 months. I know how unhealthly it is to be so fixed on the numbers, but it starts to feel like you can't catch a break and your mind keep going back to it. It's not all the time, but it's enough to weigh on you. My husband was 51, we were planning how we wanted to spend the rest of our lives. Now I'm struggling trying to figure out the rest of my life. Not our.

I'm 2 years in now. I still can't talk to his family without it triggering me because I'm not a we. It's just me. And it so hard to navigate this alone. Yes, I have my family, but i can't burden them with my inability to "get over it" as I've heard one to many times. I spent almost 27 years with one person, being happy and silly. Raising his kids, building a home, a life. Then the grenade comes in and blows it all to smithereens. I feel raw and numb. It's hard to do everything. But I still push thru, chin up, chest out, and shoulders back. Because I have to. I know some will say I don't, that's a choice. But they're wrong. I have to. We all do. Because we still can. Sometimes, that means crumbling to pieces, not having a meal or two, or your house looking like garbage for a bit. For some people, it means shutting everyone out (I'm some people). Not a good way to cope, let me tell you. But sometimes, when you're the person that keeps everyone else strong,  you don't know how else to do it. You pack it away in a box in your head and kick it into that dark corner, all in the hope it will just drop off your thought cycle. You fix the mask and play the part of the one who made it thru and is ok. Yeah, it'a a lie. But it's still easier than facing the insincere inquires of 'oh are you ok?' knowing they only ask to have something to tell everyone else that hasn't bothered to. I let the mask say, 'Oh I'm Fine.' 'I'm ok', whether I am or not. I know 2 years is awhile and isn't at the same time. I know there's tons more I should do and need to. And I know i'm not gonna get past it overnight. Im just lost in grief sometimes and need someone else to turn on the lights again.

[KayC]

Welcome to our forum.  I am so sorry for your loss!  None of this is easy, ever, it's been nearly 18 years for me come June 19/Father's Day (I get double whammied with anv. of death).  I would say it took me about 5+ years but the time table will be different for everyone, many factors involved. How much grief work (I put in plenty), resilience, closeness of relationship, I'd say even your family placement may enter in!  So in other words, there's no estimation.

Grief Process

This is not a one-size-fits-all, what strikes us one day will be different a few months/years from now, so please save/print this for reference!

I want to share an article I wrote of the things I've found helpful over the years, in the hopes something will be of help to you either now or on down the road.

TIPS TO MAKE YOUR WAY THROUGH GRIEF

There's no way to sum up how to go on in a simple easy answer, but I encourage you to read the other threads here, little by little you will learn how to make your way through this.  I do want to give you some pointers though, of some things I've learned on my journey.

• Take one day at a time.  The Bible says each day has enough trouble of its own, I've found that to be true, so don't bite off more than you can chew.  It can be challenging enough just to tackle today.  I tell myself, I only have to get through today.  Then I get up tomorrow and do it all over again.  To think about the "rest of my life" invites anxiety.
• Don't be afraid, grief may not end but it evolves.  The intensity lessens eventually.
• Visit your doctor.  Tell them about your loss, any troubles sleeping, suicidal thoughts, anxiety attacks.  They need to know these things in order to help you through it...this is all part of grief.
• Suicidal thoughts are common in early grief.  If they're reoccurring, call a suicide hotline.  I felt that way early on, but then realized it wasn't that I wanted to die so much as I didn't want to go through what I'd have to face if I lived.  Back to taking a day at a time.  Suicide Hotline - Call 1-800-273-8255 or www.crisis textline.org or US and Canada: text 741741 UK: text 85258 | Ireland: text 50808
• Give yourself permission to smile.  It is not our grief that binds us to them, but our love, and that continues still.
• Try not to isolate too much.  
• There's a balance to reach between taking time to process our grief, and avoiding it...it's good to find that balance for yourself.  We can't keep so busy as to avoid our grief, it has a way of haunting us, finding us, and demanding we pay attention to it!  Some people set aside time every day to grieve.  I didn't have to, it searched and found me!
• Self-care is extremely important, more so than ever.  That person that would have cared for you is gone, now you're it...learn to be your own best friend, your own advocate, practice self-care.  You'll need it more than ever.
• Recognize that your doctor isn't trained in grief, find a professional grief counselor that is.  We need help finding ourselves through this maze of grief, knowing where to start, etc.  They have not only the knowledge, but the resources.
• In time, consider a grief support group.  If your friends have not been through it themselves, they may not understand what you're going through, it helps to find someone somewhere who DOES "get it". 
• Be patient, give yourself time.  There's no hurry or timetable about cleaning out belongings, etc.  They can wait, you can take a year, ten years, or never deal with it.  It's okay, it's what YOU are comfortable with that matters.  
• Know that what we are comfortable with may change from time to time.  That first couple of years I put his pictures up, took them down, up, down, depending on whether it made me feel better or worse.  Finally, they were up to stay.
• Consider a pet.  Not everyone is a pet fan, but I've found that my dog helps immensely.  It's someone to love, someone to come home to, someone happy to see me, someone that gives me a purpose...I have to come home and feed him.  Besides, they're known to relieve stress.  Well maybe not in the puppy stage when they're chewing up everything, but there's older ones to adopt if you don't relish that stage.
• Make yourself get out now and then.  You may not feel interest in anything, things that interested you before seem to feel flat now.  That's normal.  Push yourself out of your comfort zone just a wee bit now and then.  Eating out alone, going to a movie alone or church alone, all of these things are hard to do at first.  You may feel you flunked at it, cried throughout, that's okay, you did it, you tried, and eventually you get a little better at it.  If I waited until I had someone to do things with I'd be stuck at home a lot.
• Keep coming here.  We've been through it and we're all going through this together.
• Look for joy in every day.  It will be hard to find at first, but in practicing this, it will change your focus so you can embrace what IS rather than merely focusing on what ISN'T.  It teaches you to live in the present and appreciate fully.  You have lost your big joy in life, and all other small joys may seem insignificant in comparison, but rather than compare what used to be to what is, learn the ability to appreciate each and every small thing that comes your way...a rainbow, a phone call from a friend, unexpected money, a stranger smiling at you, whatever the small joy, embrace it.  It's an art that takes practice and is life changing if you continue it.
• Eventually consider volunteering.  It helps us when we're outward focused, it's a win/win.

(((hugs)))  Praying for you today.

 

[delavinaskye]

Thank you for the kind words and some direction. I nice to know that someone else understands. I did get a cat after he passed and she and her crazy family keep me going . They give me someones to take care of and that take care of me in thier own ways. They help me out the dark when it tried to creep up.

[delavinaskye]

3 hours ago, Gator M said:

It may be 2 years BUT you have lost a lot.  You have compounded grief.

I would suggest you may want to open up...vent: here, a support group, a counselor, a pastor...

Look after yourself and take your time...you are dealing with plenty. Don't be hard on yourself.

I go to a GriefShare.org group.

You're in my prayers.

I try my best to not crush me. some days are harder than other, of course. Im getting better at taking better care of me too. It's why I finally did this. I got tired of swallowing down the hurt and the pain of it all. it eats at you in ways most don't know if they haven't gone thru it. Im grateful for the rely and the support and will be checking out the griefshare.org too . 

[KayC]

40 minutes ago, delavinaskye said:

I did get a cat after he passed and she and her crazy family keep me going .

I am so glad! I adopted a puppy conceived when my Arlie dog died and born on my birthday.  The name Kodie popped into my head when my son sent me the pictures and video of him...when he brought him to me, he threw the tag down, it said, "Kodie" and the papers that told me the rest.  Meant to be!  Last year I adopted a feral cat, I named him Panther, (before he gained weight or I would have named him Buddha) strictly outdoors, if you saw what he's done to my patio and ramp, you'd know why!  But they too keep me going, my incentive for going on a lot of the time!  Kodie is esp. my joy.

It helps to come here to read and post, this is like a family, we get each other and care about one another.

 

[delavinaskye]

On 4/17/2023 at 8:40 PM, LostThomas said:

I'm so sorry for your loss.  I'm in my 5th month and I've been through a lot.  I got a lot out of your remarks.  I want to say, let's sit down and I'll listen for as long as it takes and I think you could talk for hours.   Well, we're going to have to do it differently.  This is going to take some time.  I do think there is an answer to your question but getting it, in my view, might take the time it takes to allow some of the thoughts and experiences of others to just percolate in your mind.  You'll have questions and some things you'll hear you'll reject and that will be ok.  It's different for people because their personalities are different.   It doesn't take long to discover who you can relate to and who you do not.   It'll be up to you to decide.   So, I would encourage you to stay true to the question you just asked, and some days you'll get a lot out of discussions and others not so much.   There's a role for negativity you might encounter, pain is involved.   But it can reach a point of being ridiculous too.   Your question, and the way you've shared your own experience, tells me you have the strength to know ridiculous when you encounter it.   I know now I was in shock for a good two months.   Every month so far has been different.  But I sure relate to what you've written here.   Come here often and sometimes all you can do is read.   I still read every day, and I go back months and read.   That is very productive.   It's hard sometimes, but the more you read about what others experience you begin to care, and then you begin to care differently.  That's when you really start learning, and realizing what you want to do, and why it's important for you to do it.  I'm beginning to do this now myself.  Progress is slow at times, but I'm doing better.  I lost the love of my life.  Mitzi was everything in my life.  I speak of her often, and I sometimes will speak for her in what I share here.   We were involved in everything, devoted to many causes and it was a paradise for us.   We never got tired of it, one mind at a time, and we didn't waste time doing it.   I still don't.   You will find empathy here, real empathy.  You'll recognize that and what is superficial that annoys so many of us at times.   It helps to talk about that too because so many of us have experienced that.  I look forward to hearing more from you, regardless of the pain and sorrow.   That's why you came here, why I came here, to listen.   You'll find answers, from those who are trying, some who courageously tried and tried for years.   Stay focused on your question first...you'll know when it's safe to take a turn.   Then you'll know your way back so you can keep moving forward, and we will help you figure that out together, because we don't quit.

Thank you for listening. I talked to him alot in the beginning, then was angry that he was gone. That happens alot. I used to be able to look at picture of him too and it hurts too much right now, so I put them away. when they say grief comes in waves , it's a real thing. It's a work in progress. I have no intention of every quitting. Ever. I have too much to still do. Sometimes the light just gets bumped off. 

[LMR]

I too am having difficulty looking at his photos. We had 47 years together. It's been 2 1/2 years since I lost him.

We struggle on. I cry every night and many mornings too but I'm ok with that. I love him so much. What worries me is if I am constantly carrying an air of misery. I don't want  to burden my family with my pain just as you said. I try to act normal but I'm not sure if it seems fake.

I saw a young man on tv this morning. He is about to take part in the London Marathon on behalf of a charity. He lost his younger brother to bone cancer. He said - it's mad to think its eleven years ago, it doesn't get easier. I wanted to applaud him for saying that. We all know what he's talking about.

I hope your cat is helping with the loneliness.

[RichS]

We on this board are sorry to hear of all of your experiences. The people on this board are comforting and helpful. Continue to post here. WELCOME!!