New Here - I'm Scared

[MTop]

Hello all,

I am new to this forum.  I lost my partner/soul mate just last week.  He was only 50 years old, healthy and full of life.  He didn't wake up one morning, appeared to pass peacefully in his sleep.  I cannot stop crying, I cannot eat, I cannot sleep, my heart is completely shattered and I feel lost.  I don't know how to carry on, I don't think I will ever feel better again.  I just want to bury my head in the sand, I can't take this pain.  I am scared.  Thank you for listening.

[KayC]

I am so sorry for your loss, my husband died five days after his 51st birthday.  It was shocking!  I know how horrible early grief is, my heart goes out to you.  It helps to come here to read and post, it helps us process our grief and also to know you're not alone, that there are others that "get it" and understand.

Grief Process

This is not a one-size-fits-all, what strikes us one day will be different a few months/years from now, so please save/print this for reference!

I want to share an article I wrote of the things I've found helpful over the years, in the hopes something will be of help to you either now or on down the road.

TIPS TO MAKE YOUR WAY THROUGH GRIEF

There's no way to sum up how to go on in a simple easy answer, but I encourage you to read the other threads here, little by little you will learn how to make your way through this.  I do want to give you some pointers though, of some things I've learned on my journey.

• Take one day at a time.  The Bible says each day has enough trouble of its own, I've found that to be true, so don't bite off more than you can chew.  It can be challenging enough just to tackle today.  I tell myself, I only have to get through today.  Then I get up tomorrow and do it all over again.  To think about the "rest of my life" invites anxiety.
• Don't be afraid, grief may not end but it evolves.  The intensity lessens eventually.
• Visit your doctor.  Tell them about your loss, any troubles sleeping, suicidal thoughts, anxiety attacks.  They need to know these things in order to help you through it...this is all part of grief.
• Suicidal thoughts are common in early grief.  If they're reoccurring, call a suicide hotline.  I felt that way early on, but then realized it wasn't that I wanted to die so much as I didn't want to go through what I'd have to face if I lived.  Back to taking a day at a time.  Suicide Hotline - Call 1-800-273-8255 or www.crisis textline.org or US and Canada: text 741741 UK: text 85258 | Ireland: text 50808
• Give yourself permission to smile.  It is not our grief that binds us to them, but our love, and that continues still.
• Try not to isolate too much.  
• There's a balance to reach between taking time to process our grief, and avoiding it...it's good to find that balance for yourself.  We can't keep so busy as to avoid our grief, it has a way of haunting us, finding us, and demanding we pay attention to it!  Some people set aside time every day to grieve.  I didn't have to, it searched and found me!
• Self-care is extremely important, more so than ever.  That person that would have cared for you is gone, now you're it...learn to be your own best friend, your own advocate, practice self-care.  You'll need it more than ever.
• Recognize that your doctor isn't trained in grief, find a professional grief counselor that is.  We need help finding ourselves through this maze of grief, knowing where to start, etc.  They have not only the knowledge, but the resources.
• In time, consider a grief support group.  If your friends have not been through it themselves, they may not understand what you're going through, it helps to find someone somewhere who DOES "get it". 
• Be patient, give yourself time.  There's no hurry or timetable about cleaning out belongings, etc.  They can wait, you can take a year, ten years, or never deal with it.  It's okay, it's what YOU are comfortable with that matters.  
• Know that what we are comfortable with may change from time to time.  That first couple of years I put his pictures up, took them down, up, down, depending on whether it made me feel better or worse.  Finally, they were up to stay.
• Consider a pet.  Not everyone is a pet fan, but I've found that my dog helps immensely.  It's someone to love, someone to come home to, someone happy to see me, someone that gives me a purpose...I have to come home and feed him.  Besides, they're known to relieve stress.  Well maybe not in the puppy stage when they're chewing up everything, but there's older ones to adopt if you don't relish that stage.
• Make yourself get out now and then.  You may not feel interest in anything, things that interested you before seem to feel flat now.  That's normal.  Push yourself out of your comfort zone just a wee bit now and then.  Eating out alone, going to a movie alone or church alone, all of these things are hard to do at first.  You may feel you flunked at it, cried throughout, that's okay, you did it, you tried, and eventually you get a little better at it.  If I waited until I had someone to do things with I'd be stuck at home a lot.
• Keep coming here.  We've been through it and we're all going through this together.
• Look for joy in every day.  It will be hard to find at first, but in practicing this, it will change your focus so you can embrace what IS rather than merely focusing on what ISN'T.  It teaches you to live in the present and appreciate fully.  You have lost your big joy in life, and all other small joys may seem insignificant in comparison, but rather than compare what used to be to what is, learn the ability to appreciate each and every small thing that comes your way...a rainbow, a phone call from a friend, unexpected money, a stranger smiling at you, whatever the small joy, embrace it.  It's an art that takes practice and is life changing if you continue it.
• Eventually consider volunteering.  It helps us when we're outward focused, it's a win/win.

(((hugs)))  Praying for you today.

 

[DWS]

I am so sorry for this sudden tragedy and loss to occur. My partner passed away peacefully in the night as well....a healthy guy and no word of warning. I understand being scared. I was too and I didn't know what I was scared of....perhaps just everything at that point. You are likely in shock right now. Please be kind and gentle with yourself. Try to drink some water. Hopefully you have someone or others caring for you . We are here for you as well. 

[KayC]

I had my daughter following me around with food and water, I'm glad, easy to lose weight during this, you need all the strength you can get, so I hope you are eating and drinking water even when you don't feel like it.  A hint:  Try healthy smoothies, it's a good way to get something down you when you can't eat.  And I hope you have someone there with you.  I owe my daughter big time for what she did for me (my son was in the Air Force so only got a short leave) back then, it was nearly 18 years ago but I remember it like it was yesterday.  I don't know how I got through it, but one day at a time and I live by that still.  I would tell myself, "I can do today." Then the next day I'd get up and do the same.  Sometimes I had to break it down further into an hour or just a minute.

I was away at my sister's reunion when my husband drove himself to the doctor, having a heart attack and was sent by ambulance to the hospital.  My sister refused to drive me home, telling me later, "Well I didn't know he was going to DIE!"  She'd wanted to stay and gamble.  I had to wait two days to see him and then he died, they'd thrown me off the ward and locked the door while they worked on him.  They wouldn't have even known had I not called their attention to it as they were chatting instead of paying attention to the monitors.

I'm thankful your husband went peacefully, mine did not, and the fact I wasn't allowed to be with him when he died haunts me still.  This is never easy, none of it, but you will get through this, we will hold you up in our thoughts and prayers meanwhile.

53 minutes ago, DWS said:

Please be kind and gentle with yourself.

Yes! When I went through this I remember telling myself that now the one that always had my back and treated me with kindness was gone, it was up to me to be my own best friend.  Be patient, understanding, and kind to yourself.

[sweet n low]

my heart goes out to you, and those who've posted in reply... 😢 i lost my dear very suddenly too and i wish i could have taken his place... i'm nine months in. i think we just learn to live with this slightly better than the months/years before... times are frozen in place now, memories we must carry on our own. we continue to bear the immense love along with the pain of them now being gone and that is a really tough balance to try to find... when i was in the first few weeks of my shock, i held my hands as if it was his hand holding mine, just small things to feel less alone. having someone around will help you just push a little further for the day/night. go easy on yourself, i'm so very sorry for your loss.

[KayC]

@sweet n low I just read your "signature," it is beautiful.

[MTop]

1 hour ago, KayC said:

I had my daughter following me around with food and water, I'm glad, easy to lose weight during this, you need all the strength you can get, so I hope you are eating and drinking water even when you don't feel like it.  A hint:  Try healthy smoothies, it's a good way to get something down you when you can't eat.  And I hope you have someone there with you.  I owe my daughter big time for what she did for me (my son was in the Air Force so only got a short leave) back then, it was nearly 18 years ago but I remember it like it was yesterday.  I don't know how I got through it, but one day at a time and I live by that still.  I would tell myself, "I can do today." Then the next day I'd get up and do the same.  Sometimes I had to break it down further into an hour or just a minute.

I was away at my sister's reunion when my husband drove himself to the doctor, having a heart attack and was sent by ambulance to the hospital.  My sister refused to drive me home, telling me later, "Well I didn't know he was going to DIE!"  She'd wanted to stay and gamble.  I had to wait two days to see him and then he died, they'd thrown me off the ward and locked the door while they worked on him.  They wouldn't have even known had I not called their attention to it as they were chatting instead of paying attention to the monitors.

I'm thankful your husband went peacefully, mine did not, and the fact I wasn't allowed to be with him when he died haunts me still.  This is never easy, none of it, but you will get through this, we will hold you up in our thoughts and prayers meanwhile.

Yes! When I went through this I remember telling myself that now the one that always had my back and treated me with kindness was gone, it was up to me to be my own best friend.  Be patient, understanding, and kind to yourself.

I'm alone.  I have his family but, and I hate to admit this, I find it very difficult to be around them.  I love them and they love me, but they are a reminder of him and I can't take it right now.  I just don't know what to do.  Smoothies are a good idea, I need to find a way to force myself to get them.  I am so glad that you had your daughter to help you, that must have been a huge comfort.  I am sorry for what you have been through, I am sending you a big hug.  I cannot thank you enough for your kindness and support.

[MTop]

50 minutes ago, sweet n low said:

my heart goes out to you, and those who've posted in reply... 😢 i lost my dear very suddenly too and i wish i could have taken his place... i'm nine months in. i think we just learn to live with this slightly better than the months/years before... times are frozen in place now, memories we must carry on our own. we continue to bear the immense love along with the pain of them now being gone and that is a really tough balance to try to find... when i was in the first few weeks of my shock, i held my hands as if it was his hand holding mine, just small things to feel less alone. having someone around will help you just push a little further for the day/night. go easy on yourself, i'm so very sorry for your loss.

I am so very sorry for your loss.  And for it to have been sudden.  I think I am still in shock.  Did you lose sleep and your appetite?  How are you doing now?  Your words hit me deep.  I don't have others around me, I feel very alone and lost.  I wish I had gone and not him - but then I wouldn't want him to feel this awful, either.  Thank you for your beautiful words and for listening to me.  I appreciate the support.

[KayC]

9 minutes ago, MTop said:

Did you lose sleep and your appetite?

I did!

I made smoothies from applesauce, bananas, yogurt, spinach, protein powder and granola, all the food groups.  I'm diabetic now so can no longer have it, but I hope it helps, just mix in blender.

[sweet n low]

@KayC thank you dear, i cannot take credit for such beauty... it was written by Jorge Luis Borges. so heart-rendering...

[sweet n low]

2 hours ago, MTop said:

I am so very sorry for your loss.  And for it to have been sudden.  I think I am still in shock.  Did you lose sleep and your appetite?  How are you doing now?  Your words hit me deep.  I don't have others around me, I feel very alone and lost.  I wish I had gone and not him - but then I wouldn't want him to feel this awful, either.  Thank you for your beautiful words and for listening to me.  I appreciate the support.

You're most welcome, I appreciate the support very very much too... It's a really difficult thing talking about this especially when you feel you have very little people in your life, I don't much either. It's still necessary work and by being here I know we're both working on making the right steps. I felt like such a burden to my family, still do. He was my family. My nights were absolute torture for some time, yes... and I went down to 80 lbs. The shock was immense and I had to immediately make changes if i didn't wish for my physical health to get worse. I've been under doctors care, drinking Ensure & Muscle Milks helped a lot when I couldn't eat (I wholeheartedly recommend getting a few cases) and slowly gained the weight back... a low dose sleep aid as well for the restless nights. It's going to take time. Now, physically, I do feel a lot better than I was, but emotionally, I'm still so very sad. I miss him dearly. The love doesn't fade, how could it? I so understand wishing it were you but not wanting to cause him the suffering, it's almost unworldly... many hugs to you dear.

[MichiganDaniel]

7 hours ago, MTop said:

my heart is completely shattered and I feel lost.

The first weeks are the hardest. Our brains spend a lot of time keeping track of our loved ones and how they are doing. When someone is lost, our brains keep scanning and keep getting shocked over and over a gain. It will be six weeks ago for me tomorrow, and my brain still doesn’t know how to stop looking for her.

I’m glad you found this website. Our friends and family might not always understand the twilight that is now a part of us forever. The people here do.

Be gentle with yourself. Feel what you need to feel and say what you need to say. I’m so sorry that happened to you. Our brains do learn eventually, but it’s a painful reeducation.

I had a bad moment just a little while ago. I don’t want to have to learn to cope, to change, to relearn who I even am. I don’t like it, but when things get hard, I cry, or yell, or just lay down. Time will carry us, and already I can sometimes feel memories as joyful, and not another tear in my shreaded soul.

[MTop]

1 hour ago, DanielInMichigan said:

The first weeks are the hardest. Our brains spend a lot of time keeping track of our loved ones and how they are doing. When someone is lost, our brains keep scanning and keep getting shocked over and over a gain. It will be six weeks ago for me tomorrow, and my brain still doesn’t know how to stop looking for her.

I’m glad you found this website. Our friends and family might not always understand the twilight that is now a part of us forever. The people here do.

Be gentle with yourself. Feel what you need to feel and say what you need to say. I’m so sorry that happened to you. Our brains do learn eventually, but it’s a painful reeducation.

I had a bad moment just a little while ago. I don’t want to have to learn to cope, to change, to relearn who I even am. I don’t like it, but when things get hard, I cry, or yell, or just lay down. Time will carry us, and already I can sometimes feel memories as joyful, and not another tear in my shreaded soul.

I am so incredibly sorry for your loss, it is very raw for you as well.  In reading your words, you seem so strong.  I pray that each day gets a bit easier for you.  You've given me great hope, thank you.  Sending you love and peace.

[MTop]

4 hours ago, sweet n low said:

You're most welcome, I appreciate the support very very much too... It's a really difficult thing talking about this especially when you feel you have very little people in your life, I don't much either. It's still necessary work and by being here I know we're both working on making the right steps. I felt like such a burden to my family, still do. He was my family. My nights were absolute torture for some time, yes... and I went down to 80 lbs. The shock was immense and I had to immediately make changes if i didn't wish for my physical health to get worse. I've been under doctors care, drinking Ensure & Muscle Milks helped a lot when I couldn't eat (I wholeheartedly recommend getting a few cases) and slowly gained the weight back... a low dose sleep aid as well for the restless nights. It's going to take time. Now, physically, I do feel a lot better than I was, but emotionally, I'm still so very sad. I miss him dearly. The love doesn't fade, how could it? I so understand wishing it were you but not wanting to cause him the suffering, it's almost unworldly... many hugs to you dear.

I see a lot of similarities in our situation, my heart hurts for you.  I wish I had the answers, I feel lost and that I will feel like this forever.  I can't feel like this forever, I'll never survive.  I've invested in Ensure, I feel like I'm at least getting some calories that way.  Please take care of yourself and I will hold you in my thoughts.  I appreciate your insight immensely.  xo

[movingon]

9 hours ago, DWS said:

I understand being scared. I was too and I didn't know what I was scared of....perhaps just everything at that point. You are likely in shock right now. 

@MTopI was exactly how DWS describes. I still have moments of fear, but it's subsided from what it was. It's been 3 1/2 months for me. You have come to a good place to share your feelings. I am so sorry for your loss but glad you have found this forum. 

[KayC]

3 hours ago, DanielInMichigan said:

when things get hard, I cry, or yell, or just lay down.

I remember going out in the woods and screaming at the top of my lungs!  I'm sure I scared off some bear and cougar!

1 hour ago, MTop said:

I've invested in Ensure

Good idea!

[RichS]

On 4/16/2023 at 8:43 AM, MTop said:

I don't think I will ever feel better again.  I just want to bury my head in the sand, I can't take this pain.

All of us on this board are very sorry for your loss. Right now, you're in shock; just as we've all been in the past. Please make this board part of your support group. I joined here 4 months ago and it has been a tremendous blessing! Lots of nice, sympathetic people here who will listen to you, console you and provide advice if you need it.

WELCOME!!!!

[Ck13]

So sorry for your loss, I’m 7 weeks in after losing my partner (aged 51) suddenly.

Please be kind to yourself, you are still in shock and have been through a traumatic experience.  
 

let yourself grieve in whichever way you feel like, don’t push yourself to do things just for others.  I got a lot of comfort from being with his family as I felt connected to him when I was with him, but they live away from our lives together so I didn’t have many joint memories with him and them so that helped.

This forum genuinely does help, reading and hearing other people’s experiences makes you feel less alone and less insane.  No one else’s grief can match losing your partner (not saying it’s worse it’s just different) and it helps to know you aren’t alone.

take care of yourself