Suggestions on celebrating one year death anniversary

[goldberry]

Hi.  It's been many months since I last posted here, but I come to read and feel less alone often.  I am less than two weeks from the one year death anniversary of my husband last April.  As the day gets closer, I have had more days of feeling like my brain/heart are back in those first hours and days of his death.  He died very peacefully at home with me of a rare cancer and I am grateful every day that his death was good.  I know that so often they are not.  He chose to forego all medical treatment and die naturally.   It has been somewhat terrifying to revisit those first days of numbness and the sense of unreality of things.  Until recently I have felt more able to really be grateful for our lives together and for the twenty years that we did get, and the soul connection that we have.  But lately I can feel the grief shifting into something heavier and harder.  It's like being beyond able to cry because the hurt is so deep and wide.  Like the wound, barely closed, has torn back open.

So my question to all of you who have survived this anniversary is:  what did you do?  I am so unsure about how to approach it because my feelings and thoughts are so unpredictable.  Most days, like many of you express, I think I want to be with people; only to be reminded that others make him feel more distant and gone.  I have considered going to the beach, which I did last year at a month but it was really sad without him and I feel like I want this to be more focused on our love and happiness if I can manage it.   I do believe in continuing bonds and am actively working to establish this new version of our relationship.  It's been scary and difficult because I still have trouble remembering good days and mostly think of him as sick and dying and the missing of him makes having ongoing conversation hard for now.  I also believe in ritual and want to mark the day in a way that is significant.  Any suggestions, stories, whatever anyone has to contribute is appreciated.  Sending love to all of us as we try to survive moment to moment, breath by breath, this terrible loss.  Thanks.

[widower2]

Everyone has their own way of course...I guess I was lucky in a way; that day didn't bother me much more or less than the day before or after or any other day without her. But basically I tried to keep busy and not think about it. I certainly didn't want to give it any extra attention. I save special memories and things I do (although "celebrations" is pushing it) of her for her birthday and Valentines Day.

[Gail 8588]

Like Widower, I celebrate my spouse's life on his birthday.  I'll be with my son in Atlanta this year and we will have cake and talk about his dad. 

Generally I choose to be alone on the anniversary of his death, though my boys do call me and check on me that day. 

Many people spend time at their grave or where ashes were spread.  A simple ritual of doing something you used to do together can be very calming. 

My husband did not have a peaceful death and I still have a fair amount of guilt that I did not let him come home to die when he asked to. So it is hard for me to be with anyone on that day.

Sometimes on just random days, I'll go sit in a bowling alley. He like to bowl and we often did it with our 2 boys when they were growing up.  If there is some activity he liked to do that you can be near, that might be a comfort to you. 

I like the concept of you choosing something you could do each year. 

Gail

 

[KayC]

@goldberryI know it's hard approaching that one year mark, I too was alone, no choice as it was Father's Day but I do remember putting a message in a balloon and releasing it, it went up in the sky and then burst and came back down!  That made me laugh as I knew it sounded just like George to return my message.

A lot of people find anticipation of the day is harder than the day itself.  It really is an individual thing, as @widower2 stated.

There are suggestions in these:

Anniversary of a Loved One's Death
Anniversary of Death
Anniversary of death tips

[goldberry]

Thank you for sharing your thoughts.  I did celebrate his birthday with our daughter by going to a smash room and having a therapeutic release of our anger that he is gone.  I will spend a day next week with her as well, going to see his favorite movie a few days before the death day.   But I've been protecting the day so far with the thought that I'll want to be alone.

I have found that often it's not the anniversary or "special" days that I struggle with,  it's the little things that blindside me.

[KayC]

4 minutes ago, goldberry said:

I did celebrate his birthday with our daughter by going to a smash room and having a therapeutic release of our anger that he is gone.

I love it!

[Sparky1]

On all the important dates, holidays, etc. I visit my wife's crypt. Sometimes I'll make an I love you card to place on the crypt. I only stay for 5 to 10 minutes, her body is there but not her presence, I do it to honour her on those special days. Yes, the anniversary of her passing is definitely the hardest one for me. My spot beside her already has my name on the plaque, just the final date and picture has to be placed. 

[KayC]

Grief In The Second Year: Finding Your Way

It is hard no matter whether first, second year, or what. 

2 hours ago, Sim7079 said:

depends on how you feel.

Very true.

[KayC]

But the intensity lessens the further away it is, although it affects us forever.  I look at it like this, compare how you're doing to day one, five or six years down the road you will undoubtedly say you're not feeling as bad as you were then.  I continue to miss George and love him, but oh my it was hard in the first year, etc!

[Roxeanne]

I choose to do something we like did together...the first year i went to the concert of an italian band...i remember my intense emotions during that concert, i cried a lot missing him all the time...almost expecting to see him coming with his unforgettable smile!

But it was good not to be alone!

Then intentionally i deleted that day until now...

5 years means an unexpected milestone...i felt i don't want to be alone that night!

So i went to see a funny movie...i know he would appreciate that!

I want say to him that my life is still so boring without him...i do the things we liked together but how I would like to do them again with him!!!🙏

[RichS]

I've read the responses here because I'll have to be facing this for the first time this year (Birthday in July, her passing away in August). I honestly don't know how I'm going to handle it. I guess I'll find out when those days arrive. In the meantime, I'm getting a little emotional as I'm writing this. I guess I might have found my answer.

[RichS]

10 hours ago, KayC said:

But the intensity lessens the further away it is, although it affects us forever.  I look at it like this, compare how you're doing to day one, five or six years down the road you will undoubtedly say you're not feeling as bad as you were then.  I continue to miss George and love him, but oh my it was hard in the first year, etc!

Yes, let's hope so............I'm only at 8 months and as I've said before: "Everything looks the same but feels different." Some days I can accept it a little more. Today is not one of those days.............