Tired, Numb and Sorry Its Over

[mrsduc]

Well the last Memorial is over and I survived the worst day of my life. Being at the memorial for my son at my ex's and his families memorial. I minister did let me speak the little thing i had written. I did not look us this time because I really knew that none of these people saw me as his mother. The minister when speaking said that Robert's grandmother had written so much that he was going to read only some of it. And everything he read was talking about things Robert did with her and how he loved to do her hair and how he adored her and then he said that Robert loved his siblings and then the minister said how Robert was so happy that he was starting to get a relationship with his father. But I was never mentioned at all. When the service was over everyone went upstairs for the reception and my youngest son, who has not allowed me to be in my granddaughters life and said he wants nothing to do with me said he wanted to talk to me alone. So we started walking and his wife came too (this girl is a joke and I cannot stand her and what she has done to my son, but I have tried to except her). So anyway Chris said to me that his therapist thinks that we should try to move on and get to know each other and then maybe some day we will be mother and son. I told him we are mother and son and that I love you very much and that he could not change that. Then his wife tells me that we will give you one more chance. First of all I have no idea in the first place what I had done to have him decide that I was not allowed in his life in the first place. So I started crying and telling both that I cannot have Chris come in and out of my life that it tears my heart to pieces and I said either you are in my life and I am in yours or not, that this back and forth and having to be afraid of what I say or don't say or afraid of something I might do to have them leave me again. They have all the control and I don't believe that is the type of relationship that I want. I just would like for him to want me in his life and we could see each other and talk to each other on the phone. But now with all the rules I do not know I can live up to their expectations (whatever they may be). But anyway after that I went to the reception and if my husband and my girl friend and her mother (who is a minister and a very good old friend of mine) hadn't been their I would of been all alone. People looked at us like how dare I show up here. I even heard acouple people whisper stuff. But I was not there for them I was there for my son Robert. So when I got home all alone with my husband while my other two sons and everyone else went to my ex's house to support him. Not once during this whole thing from the time we found out that Robert killed himself, my other sons have not called me or came to me to comfort me. I feel they really don't care for me. But when they are around other people and things like the memorial they will hug me lightly like for show. Because that is how they were taught. They were taught that I did not love them and some other things and Robert was the only one that fought it and let me in. But Tom is approaching 31 and Chris will be 28 this year and I have been really trying since they turned 18teen when the ex in-laws could not legally do anything to me if I got around my boys. So when I came home I went right to Robert in his urn and I guess I was angre and I told him that I will stop talking to you because you always wanted their love so I know you are with them. I feel bad but that is the truth. He had said in his suicide video that he was tired of trying to live up to some other peoples standers and trying to do whatever one else wanted him to do. I knew he was talking about his grandparents. But at the same time Robert has told me that whether I like it or not that he loved his grandmother and that he adored her. I know he loved me. But it was different and to me it was different. I just wish he knew that he had me to turn to and that he did not have to kill himself. But then my brain tells me that God was calling him and that is why he died. That it was his time, because if hadn't been his time, then he would not of succeeded. Thanks for listening. Just hurt so and do not know what I to do now except to go on each day but it does not feel the pain and numbness in my heart. there is no closure when Robert killed himself. I do not know how to get it, so I can go on. I do know he was very tormented and I do understand why he did it and I don't like that he did it, but I understand and love him. And to me that was to him the only way he could see to get out of that family. And to me that is sad and makes me very angre because it did not have to be this way and this is the second kid that they had controled and raised that had died of drugs and needles. Their other adopted son died of drug AIDS about 17 years ago. And my son shot so much stuff into his arms on purpose so he could die. Not a good track record for the ex family if you ask me. I guess you can tell I am kind of angre and rambling again. Just getting it all out. Thanks again for listening. When my boys were younger and still with me. This was about two years ago.

[Maddy6]

Linda,I am so very sorry for all of your hurt and pain. I would try to let the past and the circumstances surrounding the inlaws go. Forgiving them will help you to heal. I realize it had to be incredibly painful to not be mentioned in the service. But, all of the injustices you speak of...and it appears there are many.....these people are unkind, controlling, intolerant, and concerned with appearances....all of this, you will never be acceptable to them. They will not accept you. The relationship with your youngest son is a wonderful thing. Try to overlook the comment by his young, immature wife. I would pursue the relationship with him. But you are going to need to forgive the inlaws to do that. I am certainly not defending the inlaws. I am just saying that from an objective standpoint, that that is what I see that you would need to do to heal and become healthy. Your son may see things about the inlaws, but leave that between him, God, and them. You have enough to deal with as a grieving parent, a grieving mother........try to release this additional pain if you are capable. Think of this.....they are not worth it. I do not know if that helps and I very much so apologize if I have offended you in any way.

{{hugs}}Love,Maddy

[mrsduc]

No you have not offened me at all. Over all I have no feelings for those ex's at all. I do not allow myself to waste my time or energy on them anymore. I held on to hate for them for along time and it was killing me inside. I know that it is here right now for all that has happened. I do blame them too for my son's death. I take my part of the blame for not being a different kind of person and being able to pertect him and his brothers from them. I told Robert this before. I also told him that I cannot change his past or mine and that we just have to move on. But I know that they will never believe that they have a part in his death. Which to me makes me mad. My son was worth more than they gave him and to me they destroyed him. I will heal on this part, but I will believe anything else. I will never be able to forgive them for that. I will pray to God for guidance with this but for now I hope that Robert see the whole picture and the real truth of how everything really is and was all these years. I hope God wraps his arms around him and lets him know that yes his grandparents loved him but not in the way I loved him. they only know how to love by controling and keeping you so you cannot think for yourself. But I love them as they are and I try to show them what might happen if they do it the way they want if I feel it might not be the right way and sometimes they listen but most of the time they didn't but robert knew that he coulld come to me whether in person or on the phone and say ok mom you were right and I would not say I told you so. I would say ok now lets see what we can do to fix this problem. that is how I would deal with things with my son. I tried to get him to think for himself but I also tried to walk beside him and guide him. I understood where he was he was never taught how to live in the world and try and make it with out his grandparents. When I finally was able to get out of that family (and it took all of Fairfax protective services and social workers to get me out of there) I went into a grocery store for the first time. I felt scared but excited. It was the first time I held money. But also it was the first time that I had to learn how to make the money last and pay bills. I was kind of put out in the deep end not knowing how to swim and trying not to drown. So I knew my sons conflict and how scared he was. He also being the oldest saw where I had to live most of the time since I had to leave that family and he told me once when he was in his twenties that he did want to get away from their control (because they still do this with my other boys, but they put money into a their bank account Robert told me once that he got $180 a week, but that is to do anything he wanted like an allowance ) and they would pay all their bills. They still do that for my ex and he will be 52 years old. He told me the other day that I am almost 52 and my mother still comes into my house and goes thru my drawers and thats ok because that is what mothers do. He just doesn't get it that to the real world mothers do not do that. And I hope this helps in letting people see why I am so angre and why I really do understand why Robert killed himself. He told me back in his 20's that if he left then he would probably be trailer white trash like me since I lived in a trailer. It hurt. But I told him yeah it is a trailer and in a trailer park but my husband and I worked very hard to buy it and we got all are stuff second hand and owed no one. He just did not see it that way. My boys want to be free of them, but they love the easy good rich life. And to me that is what killed my son. And there is nothing I can do to stop my other two from falling when these people die. I know they have set up a trust fund that their father will decide how much they get whenever he decides. But really none of them have the knowledge or the know how to face the real world alone. And that is sad, but true. Heck I am almost 52 and I know that there are things I still don't know that I should of been taught either from my adopted parents or someone. But no I was not taught to live in the world too. But I have this instinct and I think it is because I was adopted when I was 7 and had been dumped in a junk yard when I was 3 by my real mom and then put in a very abusive foster home. I learn to somehow survive. And I believe that is what has allow me to make it in this world for so long. But my kids do not have that in them and it scares me that I will be buring another kid in the future because of this. Just something that now is reality because of what Robert did, that it could happen to the others. I know that they are not made the same as Robert and are so totally different then he was, but I do know their thinking and some things they do is like watching a robot. Ok once again thanks for listening.

Linda,I am so very sorry for all of your hurt and pain. I would try to let the past and the circumstances surrounding the inlaws go. Forgiving them will help you to heal. I realize it had to be incredibly painful to not be mentioned in the service. But, all of the injustices you speak of...and it appears there are many.....these people are unkind, controlling, intolerant, and concerned with appearances....all of this, you will never be acceptable to them. They will not accept you. The relationship with your youngest son is a wonderful thing. Try to overlook the comment by his young, immature wife. I would pursue the relationship with him. But you are going to need to forgive the inlaws to do that. I am certainly not defending the inlaws. I am just saying that from an objective standpoint, that that is what I see that you would need to do to heal and become healthy. Your son may see things about the inlaws, but leave that between him, God, and them. You have enough to deal with as a grieving parent, a grieving mother........try to release this additional pain if you are capable. Think of this.....they are not worth it. I do not know if that helps and I very much so apologize if I have offended you in any way.

{{hugs}}Love,Maddy