Grieving steps

[Dinah]

Hello,

I lost my mom 12 years ago. It happened entirely too fast and I knew what was happening, pancreatic cancer. I am wondering about the grieving process. I’ve fallen into a fairly deep depression (or rather what I think is depression), for a while now, bursting into tears a lot for seemingly no reason, feeling incredibly sad, missing her unreasonably and so on. This is not like me. I’ve always been the ‘rock’ in the family. I don’t know if I went through the grieving process and could this depression be because I didn’t? I don’t remember bargaining, anger, acceptance etc.

[Traz]

Hi Dinah,

I am not sure about those stages of grief as being a linear thing. As in - "first you go through this stage, then this stage and so on."  My own experience has been all over the place. 

My mom died six months before the pandemic and during Covid I was grieving for her and the loss of my dad, who died 20+ years ago. Covid was a frightening time... It made me miss my parents like crazy because I wanted their reassurance and love. I thought I had come to terms with my dad's death, but there I was sobbing for him like he had only left me yesterday.

Are there things going on in your life right now that are making you feel alone or that you need reassurance? Stress can be a big factor, or maybe just your mom has been on your mind and the feelings of missing her are overwhelming? Can you look back at the time after your mom died and remember how you dealt with it? If you were the rock as you say, you might have put your own grief aside to take care of what had to be done - arrangments, responsibilities etc. 

I think delayed grief is a fairly common thing and something can happen in the present to trigger these feelings. My mom died almost 4 years ago and I'm still processing it. It still feels like it happened recently. 

I would talk to your doctor about your depression if it continues though.  Also, perhaps seeing a counselor would help you identify these feelings and work through them. 

I feel that we'll always grieve the loss of our parent (s) - it will be sharp and painful at times and other times, quiet and in the background. 

I wish you peace as you find your way. xo 

Traz