Broken

[mva]

Hi Everyone,

 

My first post on here. I lost my beautiful husband 12 weeks ago. I have never felt so much pain in all my life. I still cry all the time. I feel like I've been kicked in the stomach. I feel sick all the time. 

I do feel a different kind of stage....the fog of shock will lift at times, which makes it all the more raw. People you know 'get back to their normal routines..' I feel desperately alone. I do laugh at times and feel terrible afterwards. 

I have to sign off. I just wondered if people still cry a lot. It's all very strange and unfamiliar,  this intensity of grief 😔 

[KayC]

Welcome here.  I know the feeling all too well, even though it's been almost 18 years since losing mine, barely 51.  I remember like it was yesterday, something we never forget.  There will be more people along shortly.  You're in my heartfelt prayers and thoughts.  I cried a lot the first year or so but now I think my tears have dried up, I never cry anymore...but we cry on the inside.

Grief Process

This is not a one-size-fits-all, what strikes us one day will be different a few months/years from now, so please save/print this for reference!

I want to share an article I wrote of the things I've found helpful over the years, in the hopes something will be of help to you either now or on down the road.

TIPS TO MAKE YOUR WAY THROUGH GRIEF

There's no way to sum up how to go on in a simple easy answer, but I encourage you to read the other threads here, little by little you will learn how to make your way through this.  I do want to give you some pointers though, of some things I've learned on my journey.

• Take one day at a time.  The Bible says each day has enough trouble of its own, I've found that to be true, so don't bite off more than you can chew.  It can be challenging enough just to tackle today.  I tell myself, I only have to get through today.  Then I get up tomorrow and do it all over again.  To think about the "rest of my life" invites anxiety.
• Don't be afraid, grief may not end but it evolves.  The intensity lessens eventually.
• Visit your doctor.  Tell them about your loss, any troubles sleeping, suicidal thoughts, anxiety attacks.  They need to know these things in order to help you through it...this is all part of grief.
• Suicidal thoughts are common in early grief.  If they're reoccurring, call a suicide hotline.  I felt that way early on, but then realized it wasn't that I wanted to die so much as I didn't want to go through what I'd have to face if I lived.  Back to taking a day at a time.  Suicide Hotline - Call 1-800-273-8255 or www.crisis textline.org or US and Canada: text 741741 UK: text 85258 | Ireland: text 50808
• Give yourself permission to smile.  It is not our grief that binds us to them, but our love, and that continues still.
• Try not to isolate too much.  
• There's a balance to reach between taking time to process our grief, and avoiding it...it's good to find that balance for yourself.  We can't keep so busy as to avoid our grief, it has a way of haunting us, finding us, and demanding we pay attention to it!  Some people set aside time every day to grieve.  I didn't have to, it searched and found me!
• Self-care is extremely important, more so than ever.  That person that would have cared for you is gone, now you're it...learn to be your own best friend, your own advocate, practice self-care.  You'll need it more than ever.
• Recognize that your doctor isn't trained in grief, find a professional grief counselor that is.  We need help finding ourselves through this maze of grief, knowing where to start, etc.  They have not only the knowledge, but the resources.
• In time, consider a grief support group.  If your friends have not been through it themselves, they may not understand what you're going through, it helps to find someone somewhere who DOES "get it". 
• Be patient, give yourself time.  There's no hurry or timetable about cleaning out belongings, etc.  They can wait, you can take a year, ten years, or never deal with it.  It's okay, it's what YOU are comfortable with that matters.  
• Know that what we are comfortable with may change from time to time.  That first couple of years I put his pictures up, took them down, up, down, depending on whether it made me feel better or worse.  Finally, they were up to stay.
• Consider a pet.  Not everyone is a pet fan, but I've found that my dog helps immensely.  It's someone to love, someone to come home to, someone happy to see me, someone that gives me a purpose...I have to come home and feed him.  Besides, they're known to relieve stress.  Well maybe not in the puppy stage when they're chewing up everything, but there's older ones to adopt if you don't relish that stage.
• Make yourself get out now and then.  You may not feel interest in anything, things that interested you before seem to feel flat now.  That's normal.  Push yourself out of your comfort zone just a wee bit now and then.  Eating out alone, going to a movie alone or church alone, all of these things are hard to do at first.  You may feel you flunked at it, cried throughout, that's okay, you did it, you tried, and eventually you get a little better at it.  If I waited until I had someone to do things with I'd be stuck at home a lot.
• Keep coming here.  We've been through it and we're all going through this together.
• Look for joy in every day.  It will be hard to find at first, but in practicing this, it will change your focus so you can embrace what IS rather than merely focusing on what ISN'T.  It teaches you to live in the present and appreciate fully.  You have lost your big joy in life, and all other small joys may seem insignificant in comparison, but rather than compare what used to be to what is, learn the ability to appreciate each and every small thing that comes your way...a rainbow, a phone call from a friend, unexpected money, a stranger smiling at you, whatever the small joy, embrace it.  It's an art that takes practice and is life changing if you continue it.
• Eventually consider volunteering.  It helps us when we're outward focused, it's a win/win.

(((hugs)))  Praying for you today.

 

[movingon]

mva, welcome here. I am sorry for your loss. There is a lot of crying, yes the intensity of grief is overwhelming. Stay here and share your feelings and you will find everyone will come to you with open arms. 

[mva]

20 minutes ago, maud said:

mva, welcome here. I am sorry for your loss. There is a lot of crying, yes the intensity of grief is overwhelming. Stay here and share your feelings and you will find everyone will come to you with open arms. 

Thankyou Maud xx

[MichiganDaniel]

I still cry. I was always stoic and detached when I lost prople around me. My parents, my mother and father in law. I barely felt it. Circle of life. Honor their memory.

Then I lost Melissa and my soul was utterly shreaded. My mind can’t stop waiting for her to come home. It’s getting better, and I hope will be less acute as time goes on, but wow I had it good. Falling in love was so easy and it stayed that way every day. Then her care and love, all her encouragement and suport, stopped like a faucet gone dry.

Yeah, I still cry like a toddler. I cry for my loss, and for how unfair her sickness was for her. Very strange and intense indeed, but it will get better.

[Wavesnsky]

Mva so sorry to hear about your loss. I lost my wife 10 weeks ago. I still can’t believe how much I still cry and I hardly have ever cried before this. This is all new territory for me. I just found this group about a week ago and it has been helpful. There just isn’t a roadmap to follow for this healing. Im just trying to lean harder into my faith and my family to help get me through this. I’m looking forward to better weather to get outside and get out of the house. I don’t like the house it’s way too quiet.

[mva]

5 hours ago, Gator M said:

It's going on 3 months for me.  I thought the crying was diminished until this week...and today..Easter...it's been a cry fest.

I believe, the deeper the love the deeper the grief.

The greater the relationship, the greater the longing.

I am told God collects our tears.  Keep crying, it's healing.  Don't let anyone tell you to stop...

Love, support, prayers.

Oh thankyou so very,  very much.  It's so comforting to hear others feel the same way xxx yes.... huge at this time of the year....and so many firsts.

[mva]

9 hours ago, Wavesnsky said:

Mva so sorry to hear about your loss. I lost my wife 10 weeks ago. I still can’t believe how much I still cry and I hardly have ever cried before this. This is all new territory for me. I just found this group about a week ago and it has been helpful. There just isn’t a roadmap to follow for this healing. Im just trying to lean harder into my faith and my family to help get me through this. I’m looking forward to better weather to get outside and get out of the house. I don’t like the house it’s way too quiet.

Yes, Wavesnsky.... night times are worse.  I'm totally on my own, now. The pain is always there. 💔 I think being outside does help.  Connection to nature. It's so hard when you might have enjoyed something special together and now you must forge on alone. My husband was larger, kinder, bigger than life. A beautiful soul 

[mva]

11 hours ago, Gator M said:

It's going on 3 months for me.  I thought the crying was diminished until this week...and today..Easter...it's been a cry fest.

I believe, the deeper the love the deeper the grief.

The greater the relationship, the greater the longing.

I am told God collects our tears.  Keep crying, it's healing.  Don't let anyone tell you to stop...

Love, support, prayers.

I completely agree. I feel at times I might be losing my mind. The sheer depth of the grief completely takes over xx thanks for your kind words

[KayC]

After years with no sleep, I finally accepted help from my doctor.  Unapologetic, I'd tried everything else.  And yes, you'll find there's practically no emotion someone here hasn't experienced.

 

[mva]

9 hours ago, Gator M said:

You are not losing your mind.  This will be hard and VERY confusing.   For me venting and posting REALLY helps a lot.   Some think I'm too blunt...I'm sorry if that is you.  

I lean on God. without my faith I don't know what I'd do.  I try to lean on my kids and Ann's kids but they are feeling it too.  A grief group may help...it helps me.  

Grief is something EVERYONE will go through, yet our society/culture wants us to "suck it up"...That ain't happening  in a few months or even years.   But it does change...I am told.   We have to learn to "go through it" BUT it's a serious injury.   Ask any athlete, you may see the field again but you'll always remember the hit and the rehab.  

This is part of REHAB.

MVA...I'm praying for you as well as all of us here. 

Love, support, and prayers

Blessings, Gator M. ❤️‍🩹❤️

[RichS]

mva:  Welcome to this board. Here you will find kind, caring, sympathetic people who are going through the same emotions you’re experiencing. Continue to express your feelings and concerns on this board. It will bring you some comfort. As you can see, there are a lot of people on this board who are here for you in your time of need.

[mva]

3 minutes ago, RichS said:

mva:  Welcome to this board. Here you will find kind, caring, sympathetic people who are going through the same emotions you’re experiencing. Continue to express your feelings and concerns on this board. It will bring you some comfort. As you can see, there are a lot of people on this board who are here for you in your time of need.

Thankyou very much x

[mva]

On 4/10/2023 at 7:47 AM, DanielInMichigan said:

I still cry. I was always stoic and detached when I lost prople around me. My parents, my mother and father in law. I barely felt it. Circle of life. Honor their memory.

Then I lost Melissa and my soul was utterly shreaded. My mind can’t stop waiting for her to come home. It’s getting better, and I hope will be less acute as time goes on, but wow I had it good. Falling in love was so easy and it stayed that way every day. Then her care and love, all her encouragement and suport, stopped like a faucet gone dry.

Yeah, I still cry like a toddler. I cry for my loss, and for how unfair her sickness was for her. Very strange and intense indeed, but it will get better.

Oh dear Daniel. I absolutely feel that intensity x