Memory loss and advice

[Chris001]

I lost my wife and baby December 2015  we had been married 5 months we were 27 at the time, we had a daughter who was 2.5 years old at the timeof her mams passing,  I've brought her up my self along with help from my parents.

My daughter is 9 nearly 10 now and asking questions. Now upto this point I've mainly let my mam deal with these to be honest because I just couldn't do it, however my wifes death was written about on BBC news it mentioned she was pregnant at the time (her parents want this on the news not me) and my daughter googled her own name with her friends at school and came across this article and got very upset.

I plan on telling her about the passing of baby Elsie before she finds out from Google, I've never told her and I was just keeping it until she was older enough to understand abit more perhaps, process it better,that's what I told my self anyway, right or wrong. But I feel my hand is forced now.

We've had little chats over the years about her mam,  it comes and goes I never really feel like I can give her the answers she wants or what she really wants which is her mam back, but I feel this chat will be the biggest of all as it now has to include the fact she did have a sister all be it very briefly.

Although it was 7 years ago I have little to no memories of her mam to share with her, large chunks of our life together are totally missing, I dnt remeber my daughter's christening for example.  There's no memory of baby Elsie to share with her just a couple of photos of a baby on life support, I don't really think she needs to see that.

I guess I'm wondering if anyone else has had the long term memory loss , and any advice on how to talk to children properly about the matter in hand.

I did try to get my daughter some counseling but they told me I had to make her away of the baby first before they could help her.

Thankyou

 

[Jemiga70]

I can't imagine what you've been through / are going through.  My wife and I didnt have children. Thus I don't feel qualified to offer any guidance; however, I just wanted to offer my condolences. Perhaps someone else on this forum relates to your situation.

Re memory loss, I definitely feel cognitive impairment (brain doesn't seem like it fires on all cylinders) rather than a loss of memory, though I do struggle w short term memory.  I assume it's part and parcel of grief.  Take care man,

[KayC]

My sisters had a car accident, Donna became quadriplegic from brain damage (not cognitive though) and it killed her 3 year old, the 4 month old baby was okay.  Peggy lost her memory and also brain damage affecting her balance.

Donna remembers the accidents, says Peggy was driving, Peggy remembers nothing, but over the years I think this is so because Peggy I believe knows she was driving and tried to make it up to Donna the next 50 years, even through she doesn't consciously know, more like subconsciously.

I think I'd go ahead and tell your daughter about the baby and get her counseling.  Did the counselor offer any suggestions on how to break this to her?

And welcome here, most of us don't have what you have had to deal with, my heart goes out to you.  I am so sorry for your losses and memory loss as well. I think sometimes the brain tries to protect us.

You will find nothing but support here.  II hope you will continue to come here to read and post, it helps, it really does.

Grief Process

This is not a one-size-fits-all, what strikes us one day will be different a few months/years from now, so please save/print this for reference!

I want to share an article I wrote of the things I've found helpful over the years, in the hopes something will be of help to you either now or on down the road.

TIPS TO MAKE YOUR WAY THROUGH GRIEF

There's no way to sum up how to go on in a simple easy answer, but I encourage you to read the other threads here, little by little you will learn how to make your way through this.  I do want to give you some pointers though, of some things I've learned on my journey.

• Take one day at a time.  The Bible says each day has enough trouble of its own, I've found that to be true, so don't bite off more than you can chew.  It can be challenging enough just to tackle today.  I tell myself, I only have to get through today.  Then I get up tomorrow and do it all over again.  To think about the "rest of my life" invites anxiety.
• Don't be afraid, grief may not end but it evolves.  The intensity lessens eventually.
• Visit your doctor.  Tell them about your loss, any troubles sleeping, suicidal thoughts, anxiety attacks.  They need to know these things in order to help you through it...this is all part of grief.
• Suicidal thoughts are common in early grief.  If they're reoccurring, call a suicide hotline.  I felt that way early on, but then realized it wasn't that I wanted to die so much as I didn't want to go through what I'd have to face if I lived.  Back to taking a day at a time.  Suicide Hotline - Call 1-800-273-8255 or www.crisis textline.org or US and Canada: text 741741 UK: text 85258 | Ireland: text 50808
• Give yourself permission to smile.  It is not our grief that binds us to them, but our love, and that continues still.
• Try not to isolate too much.  
• There's a balance to reach between taking time to process our grief, and avoiding it...it's good to find that balance for yourself.  We can't keep so busy as to avoid our grief, it has a way of haunting us, finding us, and demanding we pay attention to it!  Some people set aside time every day to grieve.  I didn't have to, it searched and found me!
• Self-care is extremely important, more so than ever.  That person that would have cared for you is gone, now you're it...learn to be your own best friend, your own advocate, practice self-care.  You'll need it more than ever.
• Recognize that your doctor isn't trained in grief, find a professional grief counselor that is.  We need help finding ourselves through this maze of grief, knowing where to start, etc.  They have not only the knowledge, but the resources.
• In time, consider a grief support group.  If your friends have not been through it themselves, they may not understand what you're going through, it helps to find someone somewhere who DOES "get it". 
• Be patient, give yourself time.  There's no hurry or timetable about cleaning out belongings, etc.  They can wait, you can take a year, ten years, or never deal with it.  It's okay, it's what YOU are comfortable with that matters.  
• Know that what we are comfortable with may change from time to time.  That first couple of years I put his pictures up, took them down, up, down, depending on whether it made me feel better or worse.  Finally, they were up to stay.
• Consider a pet.  Not everyone is a pet fan, but I've found that my dog helps immensely.  It's someone to love, someone to come home to, someone happy to see me, someone that gives me a purpose...I have to come home and feed him.  Besides, they're known to relieve stress.  Well maybe not in the puppy stage when they're chewing up everything, but there's older ones to adopt if you don't relish that stage.
• Make yourself get out now and then.  You may not feel interest in anything, things that interested you before seem to feel flat now.  That's normal.  Push yourself out of your comfort zone just a wee bit now and then.  Eating out alone, going to a movie alone or church alone, all of these things are hard to do at first.  You may feel you flunked at it, cried throughout, that's okay, you did it, you tried, and eventually you get a little better at it.  If I waited until I had someone to do things with I'd be stuck at home a lot.
• Keep coming here.  We've been through it and we're all going through this together.
• Look for joy in every day.  It will be hard to find at first, but in practicing this, it will change your focus so you can embrace what IS rather than merely focusing on what ISN'T.  It teaches you to live in the present and appreciate fully.  You have lost your big joy in life, and all other small joys may seem insignificant in comparison, but rather than compare what used to be to what is, learn the ability to appreciate each and every small thing that comes your way...a rainbow, a phone call from a friend, unexpected money, a stranger smiling at you, whatever the small joy, embrace it.  It's an art that takes practice and is life changing if you continue it.
• Eventually consider volunteering.  It helps us when we're outward focused, it's a win/win.

(((hugs)))  Praying for you today.

 

 

[Chris001]

Thankyou for your messages, I told my daughter about her sister and we talked about her mum abit more, I got out her mum's belongings ( jewellery, some clothes and her wedding dress.

Evie seems to of dealt with it really well and she loves looking at the photo of Elsie( I managed to find the photo where all the tubes of the lifr support etc were cropped out).

She tried on her mum's wedding dress and I've gave her the pandora bracelet and her own matching one.

I do feel a weight has been lifted and I feel in a better place to support Evie now, I realise its ok to be upset around her and I shouldn't not talk about mum and baby around her. I think she feels better about asking for questions too as before she never really spoke of her to me only to my mum .

Thankyou for the support I wish I'd reached out sooner to a forum or for some help.