Lost my Mom

[Sam]

This is my first time doing something like this. I am 21 and I have lost my grandmother to cancer, my grandfather to alcoholism, and a close family friend to cancer as well. But the one death I cannot deal with is that of my mother. I feel cheated!! I am only 21 and I am so uppset that my mom is not there when I need her, she won't be there when I get married or have children. Her story is very painful for me, she was alcoholic for about 10 years. She had a period of sobriety for a year, but eventually relapsed. The first sign something was seriously wrong happened about 6 months or so before she passed away. She was throwing up blood, she went to the hospital and almost died then. The alcohol had worn down the vein in her throat and caused it to tear. They cauterized it to stop the bleeding, and told her if she kept drinking she would die. I thought that would be more than enough for her to never touch another drink in her life! But she was sneaking drinks less than a week after getting out of the hospital. She tried to hide it, but I had become an expert at detecting her drinking. She went to the hospital probably 4 more times for the same problem, but every time she came out "okay". When I moved away, I was so worried that she would drink herself to death and I would get a call. I could tell her drinking got even worse when I wasn't living there. She was sleeping with random men and NEVER answered my calls. She picked up homeless men and bought them drinks, she related to them I guess. I got so worried that I bought a plane ticket home to check on her and my younger brother. She was a MESS, the worst I have ever seen her in my life. So drunk she could barely walk, she kept falling. My brother was staying with my aunt and uncle, they were threatening to take him away if she didn't go to rehab. When I showed up, strange men were in the house and my mom was passed out dead drunk in her room. I kicked them out, and when she woke up she was pissed at me. She didn't even want me there. I left on good terms, but the same day I left, she went to the hospital again, bleeding worse than ever. She threw up so much blood it covered her shirt... I didn't even find out she was in the hospital until I got all the way back to San Diego. ld bThis time was the last time for herm and she finally decided to go to rehab. She was in rehab for 2 months, and I talked to her almost every single day. I was so proud of her, because she seemed intent on making a better life for herself. Counseling helped her a lot, and I was so sure she was goign to be better. Then the most ironic thing happened. I spoke to her on the phone the day before she left rehab, and she said she would call me when she got home. That was the last time I ever got to talk to my mom. She said she loved me and that was it. Two days later I get a phone call from my Uncle saying my mom was in the hospital and not doing well. When I called him he said she was not going to make it. My mom got out of rehab and died two days later. I made the 7 hour drive home with some strange hope that she might pull thru once again, I just couldn't believe she would die after she was getting better. She was still "alive" when I got to the hospital, it was the hardest thing I've ever done going in that hospital room to see her. She didn't even look like herself. She was yellow and her eyes were so puffy, her breathing was strange and labored, and there was a hole in her neck where they stuck a tube in to drain blood. I went in the room a last time, with my younger brother and he was holding her hand begging her not to die. Begging GOD not to let her die, he's only 11. And then I heard that machine beep and I knew she was gone. So my heart is BROKEN beyong repair; it has been almost 3 months and it is just getting harder the more I realize she isn't there to talk to anymore. I had to pick out her coffin and plan her entire funeral, I had to clean out her entire house and donate her clothes and do EVERYTHING. The emotional toll of that is enough to put me in a deep depression. I just don't know what the point of life is anymore really... I feel LOST. But I hope in some small way, people with an addiction can read my moms story and GET HELP before it is too late. Rest in Peace Pennie Stevenson<3

[AaronB]

Ayyysam,

That is a tough story. I feel really bad for. I mean when I read your story, I feel that I shouldn't have be son sad at my own loss. I just want you to know that I feel as helpless and lost as you do and that I feel like the only person in the world who is going through this. It's only been a week since my mom died, but I'm 40 and she lived a full life and I feel like I'm a little kid again. I'm not good at giving advise, so I won't try to say "hang in there" or "It will get better", just know that I feel like sh*t too.

[losingyourparentsorg]

I lost my dad when I was 22 and my mom when I was 27. I write a blog about dealing with losing parents... I feel for you and I'm sorry this happened to you. I know it's painful beyond your wildest dreams, but perhaps it can give you some comfort. http://www.LosingYourParents.org

This is my first time doing something like this. I am 21 and I have lost my grandmother to cancer, my grandfather to alcoholism, and a close family friend to cancer as well. But the one death I cannot deal with is that of my mother. I feel cheated!! I am only 21 and I am so uppset that my mom is not there when I need her, she won't be there when I get married or have children. Her story is very painful for me, she was alcoholic for about 10 years. She had a period of sobriety for a year, but eventually relapsed. The first sign something was seriously wrong happened about 6 months or so before she passed away. She was throwing up blood, she went to the hospital and almost died then. The alcohol had worn down the vein in her throat and caused it to tear. They cauterized it to stop the bleeding, and told her if she kept drinking she would die. I thought that would be more than enough for her to never touch another drink in her life! But she was sneaking drinks less than a week after getting out of the hospital. She tried to hide it, but I had become an expert at detecting her drinking. She went to the hospital probably 4 more times for the same problem, but every time she came out "okay". When I moved away, I was so worried that she would drink herself to death and I would get a call. I could tell her drinking got even worse when I wasn't living there. She was sleeping with random men and NEVER answered my calls. She picked up homeless men and bought them drinks, she related to them I guess. I got so worried that I bought a plane ticket home to check on her and my younger brother. She was a MESS, the worst I have ever seen her in my life. So drunk she could barely walk, she kept falling. My brother was staying with my aunt and uncle, they were threatening to take him away if she didn't go to rehab. When I showed up, strange men were in the house and my mom was passed out dead drunk in her room. I kicked them out, and when she woke up she was pissed at me. She didn't even want me there. I left on good terms, but the same day I left, she went to the hospital again, bleeding worse than ever. She threw up so much blood it covered her shirt... I didn't even find out she was in the hospital until I got all the way back to San Diego. ld bThis time was the last time for herm and she finally decided to go to rehab. She was in rehab for 2 months, and I talked to her almost every single day. I was so proud of her, because she seemed intent on making a better life for herself. Counseling helped her a lot, and I was so sure she was goign to be better. Then the most ironic thing happened. I spoke to her on the phone the day before she left rehab, and she said she would call me when she got home. That was the last time I ever got to talk to my mom. She said she loved me and that was it. Two days later I get a phone call from my Uncle saying my mom was in the hospital and not doing well. When I called him he said she was not going to make it. My mom got out of rehab and died two days later. I made the 7 hour drive home with some strange hope that she might pull thru once again, I just couldn't believe she would die after she was getting better. She was still "alive" when I got to the hospital, it was the hardest thing I've ever done going in that hospital room to see her. She didn't even look like herself. She was yellow and her eyes were so puffy, her breathing was strange and labored, and there was a hole in her neck where they stuck a tube in to drain blood. I went in the room a last time, with my younger brother and he was holding her hand begging her not to die. Begging GOD not to let her die, he's only 11. And then I heard that machine beep and I knew she was gone. So my heart is BROKEN beyong repair; it has been almost 3 months and it is just getting harder the more I realize she isn't there to talk to anymore. I had to pick out her coffin and plan her entire funeral, I had to clean out her entire house and donate her clothes and do EVERYTHING. The emotional toll of that is enough to put me in a deep depression. I just don't know what the point of life is anymore really... I feel LOST. But I hope in some small way, people with an addiction can read my moms story and GET HELP before it is too late. Rest in Peace Pennie Stevenson<3