It's the emptiness

[DWS]

It's been well over a year since my partner's passing and I keep wondering now what is the worst part of all of this. His absence, of course, has always been my answer but a year later, I know I'm at a point where I have to accept things as they are now if I want to gain some peace. I'm now seeing that the worst part for me is the emptiness that remains and lingers. So many here have mentioned their loss of interest and ambition in anything. That's basically how it is with me and it's emptiness that is the cause of that. I deal with the day with whatever life throws my way so I'm functioning and not completely defeated but the spark is missing.

There was a lot of importance to those mornings of our quiet conversations and planning over coffee as both of us rebooted ourselves to take on another day but they are no longer. That thrill is gone...replaced by emptiness. And the crazy trouble is I currently have no desire to fill that emptiness. 

[LMR]

I know exactly what you mean. I am into my third year. I get through the day but that is all it is. I watch too much tv but thats just because its better than silence. I'm living with my sister and we do sometimes go out shopping together, browsing in antique stores.  It's nice.but there's no real sense of having fun. I can't imagine ever having fun again.

I had a letter this morning and seeing my name I thought "who is that". It was a reminder of who I used to be. Now I am an empty shell.

[DWS]

3 hours ago, LMR said:

It was a reminder of who I used to be. Now I am an empty shell.

It's amazing how a barrier or wall emerged between the life we knew before our loss and the one after. It's so blatant and apparent. Likely the best thing we can do is deal with how it is now rather than struggle with any attempt or desire to return to who we were....even though, we may have family and friends waiting for the previous us to be back. I am now someone who carries immense grief due to loss of my partner with all of the memories of what was. To return to the past me would involve getting rid of my grief. 

3 hours ago, LostThomas said:

Please correct me if I'm wrong, but I recall reading from someone, and I think it was you, almost a preference for isolation.  You'll have to give me some latitude for the way I'm using that word.   I connected with that and it doesn't seem to be a prevailing view.

It likely was me preferring isolation. In all fairness, I'm a homebody type so the comfort of cocooning in my home has always been my preference although I also didn't mind occasional social outings and parties. But certainly now, isolation allows me to spend the needed time to contemplate, process, search for meaning...in essence, to honour the grief. Perhaps it'll enrich me. I live in a small old bungalow that seems to constantly demand my attention (for instance, a flooded basement last weekend) so in some strange way, the house has its way of taking me out of the heaviness of my grief. One could say it's just adding to the grief but I don't look at it that way. 

[Sparky1]

I'm also an introvert and my wife was the complete opposite. She feared no one or anything that life handed her. After meeting her, I did become more confident and some of her fearlessness rubbed off on me. But, like it has been said here, as time has gone by, I do prefer the quietness and the peace of not having to worry about others. Yes, I do feel lonely and long for my wife, but this is the hand I was dealt with. I miss being with her, talking with her, going out with her, everything about her is what I miss. I've been trying just to get by every day, for better or for worse. 

[RichS]

5 hours ago, DWS said:

I deal with the day with whatever life throws my way so I'm functioning and not completely defeated but the spark is missing.

It's been 8 months since I lost Chris and I often feel the same way. I seem to be "going through the motions" combined with a lack of enthusiasm for most anything. At this time, I really don't anticipate much joy for the foreseeable future. So, how do I cope?

- Luckily, I don't live alone. Also, having a pet is a blessing.

- I do have a hobby (sports card selling and collecting) which I try to attend to every day (right now I'd trade my whole collection to bring Chris back----yes, I'm bargaining again). I'm also a part-time scorekeeper for youth athletics in my town.

- I have a good support network of friends and family who I keep up with every week. One of my friends is a psychologist, another teaches grieving classes).

- Prayer to and faith in God.

- I have nice backyard; and when the weather is good, a nice cup of coffee and listening to all the birds helps my mind.

So, having mentioned all of this, I'm almost ashamed to admit that my first statement is how I feel. I guess when you love someone and their missing in your life, it's hard to re-boot your life and adjust to a new normal. The challenge continues................................

 

[Carol34]

Today marks 18 months since my sweet husband Paul died.   That was very hard to type.  I cannot believe that life has gone on for a year and a half without him. 

I wake up every day, and muddle through the things that need to be done.  I sometimes look at the clock and count the hours until I can go back to bed.   The sobbing doesn't happen as often.  But the waves of grief still hit me when I least expect them to.  Am I surviving?  I guess I am.  Do I like my new life?  No, I do not.  Am I happy?  I don't think I'll ever be truly happy again.

I am fortunate that my son and his family live nearby, and visit a couple of times each week.  But when they leave, and I close the door, I feel empty and helpless all over again.  As I turn toward the empty rooms in my house, I can only think, "what do I do now?"

I somehow make it through each day...another day without my one true love, my best friend.  But it's not the life I want.  It's empty.  It's boring.  It's too quiet, while the thoughts in my head are too loud.  It even seems pointless at times.  Why am I cleaning the house?  Some days..too many days...the only voices I hear are the ones on the television.  It's lonely.  But only one person can make the loneliness go away, and I can't have him.

[KayC]

I used to be outgoing but now feel more introverted, but I don't like forced isolation like the pandemic did to us, but rather I hibernate in my home with Kodie and Panther and get out a bit to see a neighbor now and then or church, but really cherish my aloneness at home.

I think we all find our own way and it'll be unique to each of us.

[DWS]

18 hours ago, maud said:

So...I have to believe in something else, something that is hidden from me right now, maybe for a long time, maybe forever, maybe sooner. I have to believe there is something more for me, otherwise this pain and struggle is for naught. When my time comes, I will be with John but until that time comes I am going to keep believing that there must be more, I don't know what form that will take, it might be just discovering new found strengths, gaining wisdom, becoming more aware to others struggles, personal growth....could be anything....but that's my hope, my outlook. 

This is exactly how I feel as well. It's trusting that my grief is churning something positive within despite all of the emotional distress and turmoil. There's kind of a freeing feeling to that...of letting it be and not interfering. 

A few months ago, I created a post mentioning an important moment that I came across watching an episode of the comedy/detective series Monk. An underlying theme to the series is Adrian Monk's grief over the murder of his wife years earlier. In this particular episode, he returns to his in-laws' house for the first time since her death. He notices that his mother-in-law seems to have a bit of a spark again and he asks her how she did it...how did she survive the death of her daughter. She tells him she didn't think she would...that she was "buried alive"..."and then one day, the sun came up, the garden was blooming, kids were riding by the house on their bikes...and I decided to give the world a second chance". 

Those words hit me hard...they still do. My hope is that I reach a moment when I'll give the world a second chance. 

[KayC]

19 hours ago, Gator M said:

unwanted isolation is a killer.

And therein lies the difference. I think back to the beginning of the pandemic when they told us we couldn't go to family dinners on Easter, etc.  That's going overboard in my way of looking at it esp. for those of us living alone, always alone.  I went anyway.  I know different states treated it differently but that's how Gov. Kate Brown did in Oregon.  Thank God they didn't send the police out after us!

[KayC]

11 hours ago, maud said:

I do not know any introverts...I suppose I am still trying to understand the issue of lack of empathy

Making clear introverts are not lacking in empathy.  My son is very introverted yet one of the most thoughtful and caring people I know.
I believe I am more introverted the older I get but still find need to touch base with human contact.  Even just a wave or greeting from a neighbor helps me feel connected.  Today I'll be going to church.  One of the loneliest feelings in the world is to be surrounded by people yet disconnected.  I hope it won't be that way today.

 

11 hours ago, LostThomas said:

only to see the people that surrounded them disappear after someone's loss? 

This happened to me.  ALL of our friends disappeared overnight!  I could understand George's friends doing that somewhat but for mine to also was shocking and completely blindsiding.  I never would have done that to someone.  Introversion has nothing to do with it.  It is them not liking what we now represent, like it's contagious!  It's chicken and BS if you ask me. 

Grief has a way of rewriting your address book.
Friends who Stop Being Good Friends
Friends, letdown
Friendship: Why I No Longer Hold Onto Relationships That No Longer Serve Me

[Sparky1]

Oh yes, even though I'm an introvert, I do still need that contact once in a while. Going to a store, meeting a neighbour on the street, seeing family ocassionly, these are comforting experiences, yet I would rather be with my wife spending every minute with her. It's a lot harder being an extrovert without her by my side, there were no worries then, her presence gave me all the confidence  I needed.

 

[KayC]

We're all individual and what we need/want at one time can change later on.

[Jemiga70]

For me, aside from the connection I feel with ppl here on this forum, fellowship is mostly unwanted.  I don't necessarily feel better among friends or family - sometimes I feel worse - because they can't relate to what I'm going through.

Why, just today I turned down a family get together at my sister's. I've nothing to say to anyone and don't feel like socializing. I just want to be alone today.  I prefer to isolate. Me and our kitty cat.

That said, I enjoy being in big cities to feel the energy of everyone. Total strangers.

[KayC]

Maud, this song comes to mind...

 

[RichS]

42 minutes ago, maud said:

Just wondering, what do you mean you're not a citizen of this world ?

Maud:  I think Gator M means he's a citizen of the Kingdom of Heaven (Kingdom of God). He can correct me on this if I'm wrong.

Maud, this song comes to mind (I Don't Feel At Home Anymore ----Loretta Lynn)

I would play the Beach Boys, "Til I Die" but the song is too depressing.....................something that only throws gas on the fire when talking about death.

 

[RichS]

7 minutes ago, Gator M said:

Watch a few near death experience videos and then you tell me.  HEAVEN is REAL.

I've watched many of them and they are a boost to my faith. That plus the fact that over a period of time, the stories tend to be similar to each other; even though none of these people have ever met each other.

[KayC]

This song is about how we FEEL, not telling people what to believe.  It reminded me of what was being talked about is all.

[DWS]

On 4/9/2023 at 8:08 PM, Jemiga70 said:

I don't necessarily feel better among friends or family - sometimes I feel worse - because they can't relate to what I'm going through.

My situation is a lot like that too. We weren't able to all get together yesterday for Easter so our family dinner was today. For the most part, it was tolerable (food was tasty) but sitting around the table afterwards and hearing about the normal everydays of their coupled lives leaves me sullen and empty. I now no longer can participate in those conversations. I don't have those everydays anymore. It's definitely one of the reasons why coming out of my cocoon and trying to socialize is so damn difficult....seeing the unchanged normal from the lens of my changed life. 

[Jemiga70]

On 4/10/2023 at 8:27 PM, DWS said:

hearing about the normal everydays of their coupled lives leaves me sullen and empty. I now no longer can participate in those conversations.

I have no tolerance now for the typical conversational things in life, be it the baseball game, the price of real estate, politics, TV shows and mass media, new movies, cars, what somebody's vacation was like, etc. ...... I simply do not care. Even the things I once treasured are utterly meaningless to me now, like playing guitar in a rock band. Not that I dislike music or guitars. It's the apathy.  I've got a box of vinyl records. I could not care less about listening to them. My friend, bless him, offered me his spare stereo system. I'm simply not interested. I thanked him but said No thanks.  I find comfort in so few worldly things now - I'm OK with that.

I like doing active things - and thankfully I can do them still - like long distance bicycling and long walks. Brings me closer to her.  Gets me out of my own head.

[foreverhis]

54 minutes ago, Jemiga70 said:

Gets me out of my own head.

I get that. I started spending time with my doggie friend Raleigh about 8 months after John died. First it was just her parents asking if I would take her for a short walk one afternoon a week when they both had long days. One time, I just decided to take her home with me for the rest of the afternoon. Texted her parents, of course. They were thrilled. She already knew my house and even had her own blanket.

Then COVID came around and my friends were very concerned that enforced isolation after just starting to step back out into the world would set me back (it did) and so maybe three or four afternoons a week with Raleigh would help (it did). Plus, Raleigh wasn’t used to them being home 24/7 and loved her Auntie Annie time.  Now it’s two afternoons through early evenings a week. Just right.

Somewhere along the way I realized that being with her, going for moderate walks, playing, snuggling, and having her perceptive, sensitive self with me took me out of my own head for a while. She lives in the present, the now, and so my time with her is a balm for my heart and spirit.

Now that I have my Cosi girl, I’m more present. I have to be because she demands it. She wasn’t the older, sedate cat I was looking for, but this now 15 month old slightly crazy, active, smart, stubborn, and loving girl took one look at me and heard my voice when I went to meet her at the shelter, and instantly claimed me. “There she is! You’re my family. Finally! Let’s go home.” And so we did.

Whatever we find that helps get us out of our heads is probably a good thing.

[sweet n low]

I understand... the mornings are deafening.

Mine have been replaced now by silence at the kitchen table having coffee with my cat. 

No more excitement for when he gets up to have our chats about the day or silly nothings... its very difficult to look forward to something just as precious... I just cannot see one. 

My heart goes out to you ❤️‍🩹

[Deborah_M]

On 4/7/2023 at 2:53 PM, maud said:

it needs to be nourished so that it can survive.

Maud:  seems that is a word I use a lot these days.  Whenever someone ask me how I'm doing, I just respond, "I'm surviving "  and then they say, "that's good".  I really get tired of people asking me that question, they really don't care and you can tell by their reply.  Tomorrow will be my 6 month mark.  The last two months have gone by so fast.  Too much to get done.  Still going to grief class, no class last week.  I'm sure it has helped me. I'm forced to think about things that I have pushed far back in my mind. When class is over, I go home to my safe room and mentally think about the issues, push them back into the subconscious for a few days and then they start to surface again.  Then I get a better understanding of how I feel mentally.  I deal with the anger issue, and who I'm really angry with.  I deal with the loneliness and realize only I can change that. I struggle to define who I am now.

It is good to get out and mingle with the locals. Looking forward to the local farmer's market and fresh air.  There are times I wish I lived in a city neighborhood it would be nice to take the dogs for a walk. I'm making new friend from church and some of them are even helping me at home to make repairs and help clean up the fallen trees in the back yard.  Sometimes I feel that for every step I take forward, I'm forced to take 2 steps back.

Sometimes, I want to just sale the house get rid of everything and go live with my son but then I think about the new problems I would have to face.  I'm sure that time will come but not just now.

So...today my response will be "I'm surviving".

Hope you are doing good and today will be a kind and loving day for you.

~ Deborah

[RichS]

28 minutes ago, Deborah_M said:

Still going to grief class, no class last week.  I'm sure it has helped me. I'm forced to think about things that I have pushed far back in my mind. When class is over, I go home to my safe room and mentally think about the issues, push them back into the subconscious for a few days and then they start to surface again.  Then I get a better understanding of how I feel mentally.  I deal with the anger issue, and who I'm really angry with.  I deal with the loneliness and realize only I can change that. I struggle to define who I am now.

Deborah:  It sounds like you'e taking good steps towards dealing with your grief. You're also getting out a little more. As for selling your house, everything I've read says that you should wait at least a year after your partners death before you give it some thought. All of us here have to go through the grief process at our own pace.

[KayC]

On 4/11/2023 at 11:13 PM, foreverhis said:

Somewhere along the way I realized that being with her, going for moderate walks, playing, snuggling, and having her perceptive, sensitive self with me took me out of my own head for a while. She lives in the present, the now, and so my time with her is a balm for my heart and spirit.

I was just telling my friend Iris this morning how Kodie (and Jazzy) are my saving grace right now (after an extremely stressful day of no internet yesterday and switching providers after 15 years), they ground me as I watch them play and I love my Kodie with all my heart, he knows just how to sooth this old girl's heart!  They truly do live in the moment and are very in tune to us.

[Deborah_M]

On 4/13/2023 at 9:56 AM, RichS said:

Deborah:  It sounds like you'e taking good steps towards dealing with your grief. You're also getting out a little more. As for selling your house, everything I've read says that you should wait at least a year after your partners death before you give it some thought. All of us here have to go through the grief process at our own pace.

I know it will be at least 2 years before I really put the house on the market.  Our economy is so unstable right now.  It will take me that long to decide what items I can part with.  Thanks for the reminder about the one year mark.  I really want to stay in OUR house, but I don't know how much longer I can stand the loneliness.

I feel like I'm dying a little each day, nothing has any importance to me any more. Sometimes, I wish I could just go to sleep and never wake up.  I know....I'm feeling depressed right now.  I just need to hang on until May...I have family members coming from out of town.  I'm here all alone.  Just me and my two dogs.  I'll snap out of it in a few days.  Sometimes, I just have to kick my butt and tell my self to quit feeling sorry for myself.  God's in Control.  Have a good weekend!🙏

[KayC]

Once you sell it, it's done.  You might want to give it more time to see if your feelings change, mine did, I no longer feel lonely in mine.  I miss George, I always will, but I am surrounded by memories of him and my kids and our pets.

[widower2]

3 hours ago, Deborah_M said:

I know it will be at least 2 years before I really put the house on the market.  Our economy is so unstable right now.  It will take me that long to decide what items I can part with.  Thanks for the reminder about the one year mark.  I really want to stay in OUR house, but I don't know how much longer I can stand the loneliness.

I suggest thinking long and hard about whether or not you'd feel less lonely in a different house. If you really want to stay, maybe you should. And I emphasize maybe. There are clear pros and cons to moving or not, both practical and totally emotional, and a case can be made for staying or moving of course. But as Kay said, tread carefully, because if you go, that's it...you can't move and say "oh this isn't better, I want to go back" because you can't. Just something to think about. I would err on the side of waiting for sure. 

 

[KayC]

Gator, your situation is different, your house has serious issues, you WANT to be gone, you aren't torn over this and want to move with your son...praying it can happen soon for you.

That's just it, all our situations are different.  But Deborah is torn, when one is torn I'd wait...

[Sparky1]

I'm still in the same house we lived in, and I don't plan on moving. Yes, it might be too much for me, but I have to manage as best I can. Before my wife passed away, we had talked about moving when I retired to something more manageable and more user friendly for her with her health issues. Earlier in the year before she passed away, she told me she didn't want to move, and I told her that whatever made her happy, I was comfortable with. To me that is a strong reason to stay where I am, when I can't do it no more, then I will look into different options.

[KayC]

16 minutes ago, Sparky1 said:

I'm still in the same house we lived in, and I don't plan on moving. Yes, it might be too much for me, but I have to manage as best I can. Before my wife passed away, we had talked about moving when I retired to something more manageable and more user friendly for her with her health issues. Earlier in the year before she passed away, she told me she didn't want to move, and I told her that whatever made her happy, I was comfortable with. To me that is a strong reason to stay where I am, when I can't do it no more, then I will look into different options.

Me too, exactly as I feel.  My husband used to call our place in the mountains, "Our home in the clouds."  And he said it with such love.

[DWS]

Emptiness is what still lingers for me so I had to dig up this thread. It's strangely comforting re-reading everyone's comments and observations. It gives me a feeling of connection that really is missing in my life. It's our Thanksgiving weekend here in Canada. I'd be so lost without this forum so I'm giving thanks that so many here share what's in their hearts. 

[KayC]

And we're glad you're here.   (((hugs)))