Can’t stop crying

[Ck13]

5 weeks on since my partner died suddenly in a routine operation, and I’m really not coping. I can’t stop crying. Everyone else around me seems to have coped and moved on but I’m either sobbing or a zombie. 
I just miss him so much, I’m grieving him, the fact he had so much more life to live (only 51) and our future which we now do not have.  I have 2 children who need me but I wish they didn’t so I could go be with him.  I feel like I’m drowning in my grief. 

[MichiganDaniel]

It’s been about five weeks for me too. Going to work helps keep me from crying as much as I probably would. I’m quite a zombie, but thirty years experience on the job let’s me push through and get things done.

I’m impatient to find my way into whatever this new world is going to be. I still miss her SO MUCH. I keep having that day dream where I hear the garage door open and I somehow slide into a parallel world where she never got sick so I can hold her close again. That makes me cry.

I know it’s not productive or helpful, but my mind still is not ready to stop waiting for her to come back.

Our father died when I was 25. I never knew the pain our mother went through. I was young. I understand now, and I wish I had done more for her. She’s gone now too. Your children are going through their loss, but they may not have any way to understand how hard this is for you. Losing a spouse is very different from losing a parent. We never had any children, so I’m doing this all alone. I hope you get to see them often.

I have told myself that it is ok to not be ok, but it is also ok to be ok, to feel joy, to laugh and relax. She loved me better than anyone else ever could, and I know without a shred of doubt that she would want me to be happy. When I imagine her seeing me cry so hard, I know it would break her heart that she had to leave me. I once called out through my tears, “No, sweetheart! Don’t break your heart. I’ll be ok.”

It’s ok to be ok, and eventually I will learn how.

[RichS]

1 hour ago, Ck13 said:

5 weeks on since my partner died suddenly in a routine operation, and I’m really not coping.

It would be difficult for ANY OF US on this board to be coping 5 weeks after losing our partners. Please don't be hard on yourself. The members on this board totally understand what you're going through and are here to offer the sympathy and comfort you deserve. Feel free to post on this board ANYTIME. Someone will eventually respond to you. Yes, your children need you, for sure; and you will be there for them. Just take it one day at a time and lean on any family, friends, etc. as well as the people on this board. We're here for you...............................

[KayC]

12 hours ago, Ck13 said:

he had so much more life to live (only 51) and our future which we now do not have.

This was us too, George died five days after his 51st birthday.  All our plans for the future gone.  I don't make plans now, I stay in today.

Rich is right, early grief is really hard to get through, so be extra patient, kind, understanding of yourself.  Now that the one who would is gone, it's up to us to do it.

 

11 hours ago, DanielInMichigan said:

I have told myself that it is ok to not be ok, but it is also ok to be ok, to feel joy, to laugh and relax.

This is a very essential statement, I didn't want it glossed over!  Early on I read an article that really helped me with this, I wish I'd saved it, but here's one along similar lines:
Smile Permission

[Sparky1]

6 hours ago, Gator M said:

It's the alone time that nails me.

It feels HEAVY.  When Ann was here we could do nothing and it was enjoyable.

Gator, this is the killer for me too. I try and keep busy, but it only masks the situation. Like you said, I was content just sitting at home and knowing that she was with me in the house. It was a feeling of security, of contentment, knowing she was there. I get memories of the things we did, sometimes small things like going to a mall or groceries, and now it hurts thinking of what I had and now what I don't have. I always have like a sense of futility, that gnawing feeling in my guts that tell me that there is a big hole in my life, and it will only get filled when I'm with her again. How I long to hold her again, that comfort knowing that we are together.

[MichiganDaniel]

29 minutes ago, Sparky1 said:

I was content just sitting at home and knowing that she was with me in the house.

Yes that! So simple. So nothing. But it is everything. That’s why trying to fill the time with projects or activities doesn’t help so much. I miss the safety of her presence. 

[widower2]

On 4/6/2023 at 5:40 PM, Ck13 said:

5 weeks on since my partner died suddenly in a routine operation, and I’m really not coping. I can’t stop crying.

That is normal. You need time. I know it's a goofy cliche but try to take one day at a time. Today is enough in itself. 

Quote

Everyone else around me seems to have coped and moved on

Trust me, anyone that truly cared about him has not "moved on" so quickly...they might just be putting up a brave front. 

 

[LMR]

On 4/6/2023 at 10:40 PM, Ck13 said:

 I can’t stop crying. Everyone else around me seems to have coped and moved on

At 2 1/2 years I still cry every day but it isn't the total meltdown that I used to have. I went into zombie mode for a year or more afterwards. That's a dangerous place to be. Only later did I realise that I had no memory of doing things. I am still trying to find items that I'm sure I put safely away but cannot find!!! Get help with anything whenever you can.

I had an email from one of his friends today and he said "I miss him so much". I wish more people would say that. It made me cry again but still gave me some comfort. I hate that people forget him.

[KayC]

2 hours ago, LMR said:

I had an email from one of his friends today and he said "I miss him so much".

I love it when someone mentions him, but now that my sister is gone, no one does.  I mean after all this time, it's rare.  Sometimes I feel I'm the only one in the world that does.  So much time has gone by, it's rare I know someone who knew him.

[RichS]

12 hours ago, KayC said:

I love it when someone mentions him, but now that my sister is gone, no one does.  I mean after all this time, it's rare.  Sometimes I feel I'm the only one in the world that does.  So much time has gone by, it's rare I know someone who knew him.

I'm so thankful that we have this board, especially for those of us who live alone. What a brilliant idea it was of someone to create this board! It would be difficult to measure the amount of positive impact it's had on countless lives over the years.

[widower2]

I did hold an online session (zoom) awhile back, but it was just a few of us, and didn't get much interest in another...also created a chat room but mostly it wasn't used much. It's just too hard I guess for people to be available at similar times

[widower2]

16 hours ago, KayC said:

I love it when someone mentions him, but now that my sister is gone, no one does.  I mean after all this time, it's rare.  Sometimes I feel I'm the only one in the world that does.  So much time has gone by, it's rare I know someone who knew him.

Our "friends" disappeared shortly after her loss, so I know no one now really who knew her...my best friend who I grew up with and his wife saw her just a time or three (due to distance) but they never mention her, she wasn't really anything to them, and I don't mean that negatively of them, it's just reality. So I have no one to share stories with etc. I'm sorry for anyone in a similar situation. 

 

[KayC]

7 hours ago, widower2 said:

Our "friends" disappeared shortly after her loss

Ours too, my too "BFF"s before the funeral even!  It was shocking.  His family most didn't bother coming to the funeral and disappeared from me completely.  Yep, I was on my own! Glad my daughter stayed with me a while, I don't know what I'd have done without her, my son was in the Air Force so had to get back there.

[widower2]

Sorry Kay....people are amazing aren't they (PS small world, I'm ex-USAF myself)

 

[KayC]

1 hour ago, widower2 said:

Sorry Kay....people are amazing aren't they (PS small world, I'm ex-USAF myself)

 

Thank you for your service!

[MichiganDaniel]

5 hours ago, Gator M said:

It seems only grieves understand grief.

I have lost both parents. Grandparents. My wife’s parents. Other family. I had never known grief. I could not have understood. It’s more different than anything I could have imagined. A sickness in my brain and in my reality that can’t be explained, but can be recognized. I talked to someone at work who lost his wife seven years ago. I knew that he knew.