Can’t stop crying

[Ck13]

5 weeks on since my partner died suddenly in a routine operation, and I’m really not coping. I can’t stop crying. Everyone else around me seems to have coped and moved on but I’m either sobbing or a zombie. 
I just miss him so much, I’m grieving him, the fact he had so much more life to live (only 51) and our future which we now do not have.  I have 2 children who need me but I wish they didn’t so I could go be with him.  I feel like I’m drowning in my grief. 

[MichiganDaniel]

It’s been about five weeks for me too. Going to work helps keep me from crying as much as I probably would. I’m quite a zombie, but thirty years experience on the job let’s me push through and get things done.

I’m impatient to find my way into whatever this new world is going to be. I still miss her SO MUCH. I keep having that day dream where I hear the garage door open and I somehow slide into a parallel world where she never got sick so I can hold her close again. That makes me cry.

I know it’s not productive or helpful, but my mind still is not ready to stop waiting for her to come back.

Our father died when I was 25. I never knew the pain our mother went through. I was young. I understand now, and I wish I had done more for her. She’s gone now too. Your children are going through their loss, but they may not have any way to understand how hard this is for you. Losing a spouse is very different from losing a parent. We never had any children, so I’m doing this all alone. I hope you get to see them often.

I have told myself that it is ok to not be ok, but it is also ok to be ok, to feel joy, to laugh and relax. She loved me better than anyone else ever could, and I know without a shred of doubt that she would want me to be happy. When I imagine her seeing me cry so hard, I know it would break her heart that she had to leave me. I once called out through my tears, “No, sweetheart! Don’t break your heart. I’ll be ok.”

It’s ok to be ok, and eventually I will learn how.

[RichS]

1 hour ago, Ck13 said:

5 weeks on since my partner died suddenly in a routine operation, and I’m really not coping.

It would be difficult for ANY OF US on this board to be coping 5 weeks after losing our partners. Please don't be hard on yourself. The members on this board totally understand what you're going through and are here to offer the sympathy and comfort you deserve. Feel free to post on this board ANYTIME. Someone will eventually respond to you. Yes, your children need you, for sure; and you will be there for them. Just take it one day at a time and lean on any family, friends, etc. as well as the people on this board. We're here for you...............................

[KayC]

12 hours ago, Ck13 said:

he had so much more life to live (only 51) and our future which we now do not have.

This was us too, George died five days after his 51st birthday.  All our plans for the future gone.  I don't make plans now, I stay in today.

Rich is right, early grief is really hard to get through, so be extra patient, kind, understanding of yourself.  Now that the one who would is gone, it's up to us to do it.

 

11 hours ago, DanielInMichigan said:

I have told myself that it is ok to not be ok, but it is also ok to be ok, to feel joy, to laugh and relax.

This is a very essential statement, I didn't want it glossed over!  Early on I read an article that really helped me with this, I wish I'd saved it, but here's one along similar lines:
Smile Permission

[Sparky1]

6 hours ago, Gator M said:

It's the alone time that nails me.

It feels HEAVY.  When Ann was here we could do nothing and it was enjoyable.

Gator, this is the killer for me too. I try and keep busy, but it only masks the situation. Like you said, I was content just sitting at home and knowing that she was with me in the house. It was a feeling of security, of contentment, knowing she was there. I get memories of the things we did, sometimes small things like going to a mall or groceries, and now it hurts thinking of what I had and now what I don't have. I always have like a sense of futility, that gnawing feeling in my guts that tell me that there is a big hole in my life, and it will only get filled when I'm with her again. How I long to hold her again, that comfort knowing that we are together.

[MichiganDaniel]

29 minutes ago, Sparky1 said:

I was content just sitting at home and knowing that she was with me in the house.

Yes that! So simple. So nothing. But it is everything. That’s why trying to fill the time with projects or activities doesn’t help so much. I miss the safety of her presence. 

[widower2]

On 4/6/2023 at 5:40 PM, Ck13 said:

5 weeks on since my partner died suddenly in a routine operation, and I’m really not coping. I can’t stop crying.

That is normal. You need time. I know it's a goofy cliche but try to take one day at a time. Today is enough in itself. 

Quote

Everyone else around me seems to have coped and moved on

Trust me, anyone that truly cared about him has not "moved on" so quickly...they might just be putting up a brave front. 

 

[LMR]

On 4/6/2023 at 10:40 PM, Ck13 said:

 I can’t stop crying. Everyone else around me seems to have coped and moved on

At 2 1/2 years I still cry every day but it isn't the total meltdown that I used to have. I went into zombie mode for a year or more afterwards. That's a dangerous place to be. Only later did I realise that I had no memory of doing things. I am still trying to find items that I'm sure I put safely away but cannot find!!! Get help with anything whenever you can.

I had an email from one of his friends today and he said "I miss him so much". I wish more people would say that. It made me cry again but still gave me some comfort. I hate that people forget him.

[KayC]

2 hours ago, LMR said:

I had an email from one of his friends today and he said "I miss him so much".

I love it when someone mentions him, but now that my sister is gone, no one does.  I mean after all this time, it's rare.  Sometimes I feel I'm the only one in the world that does.  So much time has gone by, it's rare I know someone who knew him.

[RichS]

12 hours ago, KayC said:

I love it when someone mentions him, but now that my sister is gone, no one does.  I mean after all this time, it's rare.  Sometimes I feel I'm the only one in the world that does.  So much time has gone by, it's rare I know someone who knew him.

I'm so thankful that we have this board, especially for those of us who live alone. What a brilliant idea it was of someone to create this board! It would be difficult to measure the amount of positive impact it's had on countless lives over the years.

[widower2]

I did hold an online session (zoom) awhile back, but it was just a few of us, and didn't get much interest in another...also created a chat room but mostly it wasn't used much. It's just too hard I guess for people to be available at similar times

[widower2]

16 hours ago, KayC said:

I love it when someone mentions him, but now that my sister is gone, no one does.  I mean after all this time, it's rare.  Sometimes I feel I'm the only one in the world that does.  So much time has gone by, it's rare I know someone who knew him.

Our "friends" disappeared shortly after her loss, so I know no one now really who knew her...my best friend who I grew up with and his wife saw her just a time or three (due to distance) but they never mention her, she wasn't really anything to them, and I don't mean that negatively of them, it's just reality. So I have no one to share stories with etc. I'm sorry for anyone in a similar situation. 

 

[KayC]

7 hours ago, widower2 said:

Our "friends" disappeared shortly after her loss

Ours too, my too "BFF"s before the funeral even!  It was shocking.  His family most didn't bother coming to the funeral and disappeared from me completely.  Yep, I was on my own! Glad my daughter stayed with me a while, I don't know what I'd have done without her, my son was in the Air Force so had to get back there.

[widower2]

Sorry Kay....people are amazing aren't they (PS small world, I'm ex-USAF myself)

 

[KayC]

1 hour ago, widower2 said:

Sorry Kay....people are amazing aren't they (PS small world, I'm ex-USAF myself)

 

Thank you for your service!

[MichiganDaniel]

5 hours ago, Gator M said:

It seems only grieves understand grief.

I have lost both parents. Grandparents. My wife’s parents. Other family. I had never known grief. I could not have understood. It’s more different than anything I could have imagined. A sickness in my brain and in my reality that can’t be explained, but can be recognized. I talked to someone at work who lost his wife seven years ago. I knew that he knew.

[Cath61]

It's been 9 months since the love of my life suddenly went. Thought I was doing a bit better, lately I cannot stop crying. Who knew a person could produce so many tears!

Tired of feeling scared, insecure and sorry for myself. Jealous and mad when I see couples that still have each other, sad for all the plans we had, scared of having no one to depend on, etc. I know that there is no one who loved me that much "no matter what" (which we said all the time). Thankful for my kids and job. 

Sorry for the long post and thank you for listening.

[RichS]

5 hours ago, Cath61 said:

Sorry for the long post and thank you for listening.

Keep on posting here. We're all here to support and encourage one another, especially on the bad days that we all have.

[Bee92]

On 4/6/2023 at 2:40 PM, Ck13 said:

5 weeks on since my partner died suddenly in a routine operation, and I’m really not coping. I can’t stop crying. Everyone else around me seems to have coped and moved on but I’m either sobbing or a zombie. 
I just miss him so much, I’m grieving him, the fact he had so much more life to live (only 51) and our future which we now do not have.  I have 2 children who need me but I wish they didn’t so I could go be with him.  I feel like I’m drowning in my grief. 

How are you feeling now? I lost my husband on 4/1/23 and I can’t stop the crying still. 

[Janice S]

It's only been 6 days for me, I can relate to so much I've read already- I've been trying to stay busy, clean the house, donate some of his belongings, it works for a little while then I just break down and cry b/c I miss him so much. I miss the contentment, just having him here with me, doing nothing just watching t.v. 

[RichS]

Janice:  All of us on this board are very sorry for your loss. Please continue to post here. We're here for each other every day to offer sympathy and encouragement to each other. We can do the same for you.

[KayC]

We're here, we're listening.

[stardusz]

I do not know why, I thought I'm slowly managing my grief. I thought I did well last week, I cried but not as much this week and especially today.

Although I don't feel like going anywhere, I forced myself to go to work. I went against my will and brought my child to a small carnival nearby my workplace. Every where I went, brought back memories and my visions became blurred. Sometimes, I have to control my crying as I do not want to scared my little one. 

[Cath61]

It's been 10 months for me and I completely understand.  I still cry every day, sometimes quite a bit. Some days, not as much.... bottom line, it's just unfair, no matter how you slice it! Dreams gone, love of my life, gone....my Superman, gone.  Hoping to be able to have a day with tears, I know he would not want this for me!

[KayC]

Don't be surprised at anything, this is a unique journey with lots of ups and downs, turns.

[RichS]

stardusz:  Please continue to post your feelings on this board. We're all here to support each other through (quoting Kay), "our unique journey with lots of ups and downs, turns."

[stardusz]

Thank you Cath61, KayC, RichS.

Before he passed away, I dare not think of the future without him.

When he told me he thinks that his end is coming, I kept quiet. I do not know what to say, but he thought I am not taking what he said seriously. He was wrong, I can sense it too, but I'm just a coward, I dare not tell him what I sensed and I wish what I sense and what he said were not true.

He was upset with me before he was hospitalized and said that he can go away if I am sick and tired of taking care of him. How would I ever be sick and tired of caring for him? That has never crossed my mind. If he is around now, and seeing what I'm posting. I hope to tell him that, "I have no regrets taking care of you because I love you! You are not a burden to me. You are my warrior, my fighter!"

For now, I do not know how to deal with the loss. All our plans, our future involves the 3 of us, now there's only 2. 

[KayC]

Everything changes when they die, oh how I wish mine could be back but he's been gone 19 1/2 years Father's Day, I'm growing old without him. But I'm glad he's spared Covid and politics and the insane changes the government is making with forest fires, you name it. But oh how I miss us cuddling on the couch, or spooning in bed.

Of course you didn't mind taking care of him! Tell him now what you want to say to him.

[RichS]

2 hours ago, stardusz said:

He was upset with me before he was hospitalized and said that he can go away if I am sick and tired of taking care of him.

I think those that are going through sickness often feel a sense of guilt; feeling like they're a burden to their partners/caretakers. My friend recently passed away after being married to his wife for 45 years. When he was slowly slipping away, he told her that "she didn't sign up for this" when they first got married. She told him she most certainly did."

 

2 hours ago, stardusz said:

When he told me he thinks that his end is coming, I kept quiet. I do not know what to say, but he thought I am not taking what he said seriously.

I was kind of the opposite end of this situation. During her fight with luechemia, Chris mentioned at least two times that she thought she was going to die. I told her she wasn't; and I meant what I said. Looking back, I probably was in some sort of denial while at the same time trying to comfort her. Us caretakers can sometimes walk a tight rope between providing comfort and facing reality.

[stardusz]

3 minutes ago, RichS said:

I think those that are going through sickness often feel a sense of guilt; feeling like they're a burden to their partners/caretakers. My friend recently passed away after being married to his wife for 45 years. When he was slowly slipping away, he told her that "she didn't sign up for this" when they first got married. She told him she most certainly did."

 

I was kind of the opposite end of this situation. During her fight with luechemia, Chris mentioned at least two times that she thought she was going to die. I told her she wasn't; and I meant what I said. Looking back, I probably was in some sort of denial while at the same time trying to comfort her. Us caretakers can sometimes walk a tight rope between providing comfort and facing reality.

If I were in his shoes,  I will most probably said the same thing, I most probably do not wish to be a burden to the healthy partner. But, being their love ones and caregivers, I  will never give up caring for them. I told him not to chase me away and gave him a hug and told him I just want to be around him , to be his extra pair of hands and legs.

 

RichS, I was in denial too. I don't want to face the fact that I can felt that his skin feel different, he was very jaundiced. When he was sedated, he could hear me talk. He took deep breathes several times when I asked him to. He passed away peacefully with me and our little one by his hospital bed. 

[KayC]

I am so glad you got to be with him when he died. I was denied that, the hospital threw me off the ward and locked the door while they worked on his heart.  They wouldn't have even known his heart changed if I hadn't notified them.  The nurses were gabbing away at the nurses station.

[stardusz]

32 minutes ago, KayC said:

I am so glad you got to be with him when he died. I was denied that, the hospital threw me off the ward and locked the door while they worked on his heart.  They wouldn't have even known his heart changed if I hadn't notified them.  The nurses were gabbing away at the nurses station.

I notify a nearby nurse the moment I realise he didn't respond to my calling and his lip changed colour. It's like he went into a deep sleep, I touched his arm and it's still warm.

[Mannetta]

It’s been three years since I lost Travis and I still cry for him in our love we were together 30 years. I made funeral plans on our 26th anniversary. We did everything together. He raised and loved my daughter Jennifer. But now that I had lost Jennifer five months ago, I talk to her that morning and two hours later she was gone the same with Travis. I talked to him. He walked out to the kitchen. He just passed away. The only thing that I have to hold onto it the last words to me is I love you. They were my whole family my only daughter, the love of my life, and now I cry and cry and cry. The only thing is that are keeping me going on my three dogs they need me. They’re constantly by me. They feel my mourning I truly believe that I’ve seen therapist. I have went to support groups, but being part of this family and welcomed into this family who understand exactly how I’m feeling has helped me more than anything and I can never thank you enough. You guys are wonderful thank you for helping me.

[stardusz]

Whenever I think of his last moments, a voice popped into my mind and said gently, "Hey look, Sean loves you a lot. He saved his last moments he had on Earth for you! He really loves you!"

After that, I will just breakdown and started to sob uncontrollably.

[Arsuit]

It's been four years and I still break down and cry sometimes - not as often, at least. So there's that.