My sister died a month ago, before we were able to mend our relationship

[Christine95]

My sister passed away of a drug overdose after being 6 years sober. I’m still processing the fact that she is no longer alive, I haven’t even begun to process the cause of her death. I was so proud of her for being sober for so long. 
         The last couple of months she was alive were probably the worst months of her life. Her and her fiancé broke up, and their lease was up so in December she had no where to live, broke up with her fiancé, lost her job and her car broke down all within a month.  My sister was the type of person who made things harder for herself and always burned bridges. So I wasn’t surprised when she quit her job and started drinking pretty heavily. 
     For about two weeks in December she stayed at our moms house (where I still live) she was sleeping on the couch and was miserable. She ended up getting into a huge fight with my mom about something stupid, I feel like she just wanted a reason to leave.  She always sabotaged herself. Our house wasn’t perfect, she felt above us and couldn’t believe she was sleeping on her mothers couch the week before Christmas. 
      So after all of that she ended up staying at a friends house, finding a job. I really thought things were going to get better for her. We hadn’t spoke since she fought with my mom. I didn’t want to be involved honestly. Then I didn’t hear from her on Christmas or my birthday.. I was really upset. I didn’t reach out her. I felt like it was her obligation to reach out to me, after all she is my big sister and I didn’t do anything wrong, and now because of my stubbornness I will never be able to talk to her, or to mend our relationship.  
         I recently was looking through her iPad and saw some pretty hurtful things she said about me. It broke me.  I love my sister very much and it kills me to know some of her last thoughts of me and were bad ones. Im grieving her, missing her and so badly want to yell at her.  Maybe I let her down… I could’ve tried harder to be there for her. But she let me down too when she relapsed and died… leaving us all here to suffer.  
This isn’t what she wanted. 

 

if you read all this, thank you. I have no one to talk to, and no one who couldn’t possibly understand the anger, rage, and heartbreak inside me.