Been out of touch to long...How are we doing? Grieve Support...Week 3

[Deborah_M]

Hello everyone!  Sorry I have not been here for a while. I couldn't  find the words to say "I've missed all of you", but I have been dealing with a lot of issues related to my grief.

I just read everyone's post.  I'm sorry for everything that has been going on.  Grief doesn't stop just because you decide to close the door for a while.  You know me, I close up when I'm having a bad time.

Last week, I starting cleaning out my husband's closet...I knew I needed to do it sooner or later and I was feeling pretty good about the local support group and the fact my brother's and other family members were coming in May to help me.  I got this idea to clean out my husband's closet and make it into a storage room.  I had no idea he had so much stuff in there.  Years and years of memories. worked on it all night...The next day I was feeling pain from all the boxes of books I stacked up in one corner to the ceiling.    Stuff I didn't know what to do with went in there as well.  I felt ok with my accomplishment.

I started finding old love letter we wrote each other and then the triggers came back.  We pretty much wrote the same words to each other.  How we found love in each other, how we felt wonderful around each other and we were meant for each other and  how we both completed each other's life.  Now that's all gone except for those letters.  Which I will treasure till the day I die.

Few days ago we had bad storms here, Tornado coming my way, I gathered up my dogs and called my brother in Colorado.  A trigger.  I was all alone here...If the tornado hit I wanted someone to be able to find my body.  (Sunday night)

Monday got up and went to grieve support, turned off my phone while in meeting.  got out of meeting and turned back on phone.  16 text message...5 calls from family members.  What is going on?  It seems my brother got worried about me and called to check on me, couldn't reach me and thought the worse.  Police came to the house looking for me, they called the alarm company...scared my poor dogs.  I am glad they loved me enough to check on me, I feel bad I caused them to worry about me.  So, I'll make sure they remember when I tell them I won't be at home and have something to do.

Remember the tornado I told you about?  Today the wind was blowing the trees around, I watched the tops of the trees swaying in the wind and thought about how comforting it was and watching them swing softly like rocking a baby.  That didn't last long.  I got back into the house with my dogs and 5 minutes later heard a loud crash outside.  Went out to see what it was and found a 20 ft tall tree down in my backyard.  Thankfully, it was far away from the house it did no damage.  Just made my yard look like a jungle.

It's strange I'm jumping around here with my thoughts.  I'm still trying to make sense of all this.  I'm starting to think I must be going crazy.  When I go to bed at night,  I fall asleep for a couple of hours and wake up hearing my Jim's voice calling me. I miss him so much, I pray God will take me soon as I don't want to live in this world for a long time gone and without him.  Too much to think about.

Sorry, for sounding like "poor me". I just had to try to figure some of this out.  Don't feel any better but at least I'm thinking again.  I've missed all friends here.  God bless,  see you again soon!  ~ Deborah

 

[KayC]

7 hours ago, Deborah_M said:

I started finding old love letter we wrote each other and then the triggers came back.

Oh wow, that's hard.  I have ours tucked away in a steel file and know where to find them at any given moment.  

7 hours ago, Deborah_M said:

Few days ago we had bad storms here, Tornado coming my way

Wow, so many people going through that, including my cousin in Chicago area.  I'm glad you're here!  So scary.  I've been going through a huge snow storm this week, I shoveled 11 1/2" yesterday alone, it's a lot.  Takes me 1 1/2 hours to make a pass, not sure how many times I did this yesterday.  Combination blow/shoveling effort.  Shoveling does a better job but for pathways the blowing does the job, have to shovel around car, mailbox, etc, blower doesn't reach that far with two cords and too hard going around things with blower.  Tried doing a path to front fence but too deep to get blower through so it'll have to live without it.

7 hours ago, Deborah_M said:

got out of meeting and turned back on phone.  16 text message

Wow!  I'm glad it turned out okay, I've heard of shoot happy police shooting people's dogs when they're barking at them, so glad nothing transpired like that!  Poor dogs!  I guess you'll have to forewarn them when you'll be gone (group text?), my family wouldn't notice.

7 hours ago, Deborah_M said:

Went out to see what it was and found a 20 ft tall tree down in my backyard.

Wow!  I had a branch that long come down this week, I managed to drag it in between storms, next to driveway as it had been blocking it, not that I use my driveway in the winter.  (Park at top to save shoveling).  I am so glad you, your house, and your dogs are okay!  Scared me to death when I saw the widow maker had come down, what could have happen had Kodie and I been under it at the time!  

Don't be a stranger too long!  We miss you when you're absent...

 

[Deborah_M]

9 hours ago, KayC said:

 

Wow!  I had a branch that long come down this week, I managed to drag it in between storms, next to driveway as it had been blocking it, not that I use my driveway in the winter.  (Park at top to save shoveling).  I am so glad you, your house, and your dogs are okay!  Scared me to death when I saw the widow maker had come down, what could have happen had Kodie and I been under it at the time!  

Don't be a stranger too long!  We miss you when you're absent...

 

KayC:  you have the snow which I think is worse that me having all the rain.  My yard is starting to look like the swamp, just don't have any gators yet.  They are in the lake close to me, but have a fence and have not seen any in yard.  Thank God!  My brother lives in Colorado and has been dealing with the snow like you have.  I don't think I would do good in snow country.  Hope it ends soon for you.  I'll check in more often.

[movingon]

Deborah you are never "poor you" , you are beautiful and thoughtful and I'm sorry you've had so much going on. But I am so happy you found all those love letters, what a treasure. And I'm happy you're brother and other family members and others were so concerned. You are loved ! I hope the grief support is becoming easier for you and helping. 

[movingon]

@KayCKay, you continue to amaze me. So much snow you've had this winter and shovelled, and you even dragged a 20 ft branch.. everytime I come outside and hang my head and sigh looking at things I have to do, I always find myself thinking of you and your incredible strength and spirit . I removed about 200 feet of plastic snow fence. PLASTIC ...around the pond yesterday (must keep  dogs safe around ice) and stored it...and today I'm tired. 

[KayC]

I would be too.  I bought a new Christmas tree at Christmas for next year, it's in the carport, I never did drag it into the house, all I could do to get it there, ha!  Will deal with it next winter, Lord willing.  Not even sure I can get it together as it needs bolted, hmm...

And putting a plastic fence away, that sounds like a lot.  The dilemma of widows without their man.  While men wonder how to cook and what to eat.  We really were made to fit together, it's a challenge after one of us goes.  All part of our grief journey.

Deborah, seriously, gators?  That'd terrify me!  Yet we deal with bear and cougar, raccoons, skunks, I love the elk and deer, bears don't bother, cougars are another story.  I lost a cat to one, and one threatened us when I took my son's Husky out at 1 am (he had a bout of Colitis), it was hissing at us just 20 ft. away!  I think what saved our bacon was there were TWO of us and only one of him!  Still it sent chills up my spine.  Seeing that guy that saved his dog from a gator...not sure which is worse! 

 

[Gail 8588]

It is sort of amazing how we each get used to and accepting of the dangers in the area we call home.  I have lived with gators around for so long that it just seems normal.  My kids grew up swimming in a lake that would sporadically have gators that would drift by checking out if we had dogs with us.  We would always keep the dogs in the house when we went swimming. 

We swam in the ocean with sharks and other dangers. But we were careful and respectful of ocean. 

I am very afraid of mountain lions or grisly bears or steep mountain trails where I could fall to my death. 

Somehow the things you are familiar with seem manageable. 

I am very glad that fellow got his puppy back, but it is never a good idea to walk a dog near water down here. In the spring, now, gators are on the move looking for mates.  They can be in small neighborhood retention ponds right now. In a month or so they will move back to the bigger lakes and rivers. 

Gail

[AJ4]

I started a new ritual.  I found several birthday and anniversary cards my husband had given me over the years, and I put them all on my dresser.  Every night I read one or two of them and it's almost like a way to hear his voice say "I love you" again.  Because every night when he was still here he would tell him he loved me, and I would say I love you too.  I miss so many things about him and our life together.    

[Gail 8588]

AJ4,

That is a beautiful ritual. A very positive note to go to sleep with. 

Gail

[KayC]

It is a positive ritual, I pray blessings upon you as you read them.