Members Popular Post Wavesnsky Posted April 5, 2023 Members Popular Post Report Share Posted April 5, 2023 I just found this site today. I thought I might be able to find some direction here. I lost my wife of 20+ years this past January 30th to MM. I’ve always been the the kind of person who had no problem being busy. I was always on the go. Now I really don’t care if I do anything. I just sit around mostly and that is so not me. I do manage to get out and take walks when the weather is decent and that helps. I’ve made a trip to Florida to see the kids and grand kids down there. Went back to my home town last week to visit parents and siblings. Leaving in a couple of days to go skiing with my youngest son in Colorado. All these are good diversions and being with family really helps, but I’m just trying figure out how to go without the love of my life. I never knew I could miss someone so much. This grief stuff stinks! 5 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Moderators widower2 Posted April 5, 2023 Moderators Report Share Posted April 5, 2023 I'm so sorry for your loss. Sounds like you're keeping busy, which is a smart thing to do. Dealing with this takes time; allow for that. Meanwhile this is a great group of people here who "get it" so feel free to vent any time. 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Wavesnsky Posted April 5, 2023 Author Members Report Share Posted April 5, 2023 Meanwhile this is a great group of people here who "get it" so feel free to vent any time. Thank you. I’m hoping to pick up on some of the insights that others have. 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members RichS Posted April 5, 2023 Members Report Share Posted April 5, 2023 1 hour ago, Wavesnsky said: I thought I might be able to find some direction here. WELCOME!! You've come to the right place. I discovered this board 3 months ago and have really benefited from other members insights as well as to provide helpful advice where I can. Yeah, this grieving stinks; but on this board we try to encourage each other and try our best to navigate through this difficult journey each in our own unique way. I lost my wife last August to leukemia. We were married for 42 years. These days, everything looks the same, but feels different. If there's one thing that most of us this board can agree on (and we agree on a lot of things) is to take grieving "ONE DAY AT A TIME." There's no exact time frame for grieving. For those further along than me, I'm told that the pain lessens over time. How long and to what degree that happens varies differently for each of us. 3 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Moderators KayC Posted April 5, 2023 Moderators Report Share Posted April 5, 2023 9 hours ago, Wavesnsky said: I’m just trying figure out how to go without the love of my life. I never knew I could miss someone so much. Welcome here, I'm so glad you found this place! It helps and I hope you continue to come here to read and post. I'm glad you have your kids and grandkids, mine aren't nearby and I miss them. These diversions help, but nothing erases the big elephant in the room...the missing of our spouses. It felt the hardest hurdle of my life! Grief Process This is not a one-size-fits-all, what strikes us one day will be different a few months/years from now, so please save/print this for reference! I want to share an article I wrote of the things I've found helpful over the years, in the hopes something will be of help to you either now or on down the road. TIPS TO MAKE YOUR WAY THROUGH GRIEF There's no way to sum up how to go on in a simple easy answer, but I encourage you to read the other threads here, little by little you will learn how to make your way through this. I do want to give you some pointers though, of some things I've learned on my journey. Take one day at a time. The Bible says each day has enough trouble of its own, I've found that to be true, so don't bite off more than you can chew. It can be challenging enough just to tackle today. I tell myself, I only have to get through today. Then I get up tomorrow and do it all over again. To think about the "rest of my life" invites anxiety. Don't be afraid, grief may not end but it evolves. The intensity lessens eventually. Visit your doctor. Tell them about your loss, any troubles sleeping, suicidal thoughts, anxiety attacks. They need to know these things in order to help you through it...this is all part of grief. Suicidal thoughts are common in early grief. If they're reoccurring, call a suicide hotline. I felt that way early on, but then realized it wasn't that I wanted to die so much as I didn't want to go through what I'd have to face if I lived. Back to taking a day at a time. Suicide Hotline - Call 1-800-273-8255 or www.crisis textline.org or US and Canada: text 741741 UK: text 85258 | Ireland: text 50808 Give yourself permission to smile. It is not our grief that binds us to them, but our love, and that continues still. Try not to isolate too much. There's a balance to reach between taking time to process our grief, and avoiding it...it's good to find that balance for yourself. We can't keep so busy as to avoid our grief, it has a way of haunting us, finding us, and demanding we pay attention to it! Some people set aside time every day to grieve. I didn't have to, it searched and found me! Self-care is extremely important, more so than ever. That person that would have cared for you is gone, now you're it...learn to be your own best friend, your own advocate, practice self-care. You'll need it more than ever. Recognize that your doctor isn't trained in grief, find a professional grief counselor that is. We need help finding ourselves through this maze of grief, knowing where to start, etc. They have not only the knowledge, but the resources. In time, consider a grief support group. If your friends have not been through it themselves, they may not understand what you're going through, it helps to find someone somewhere who DOES "get it". Be patient, give yourself time. There's no hurry or timetable about cleaning out belongings, etc. They can wait, you can take a year, ten years, or never deal with it. It's okay, it's what YOU are comfortable with that matters. Know that what we are comfortable with may change from time to time. That first couple of years I put his pictures up, took them down, up, down, depending on whether it made me feel better or worse. Finally, they were up to stay. Consider a pet. Not everyone is a pet fan, but I've found that my dog helps immensely. It's someone to love, someone to come home to, someone happy to see me, someone that gives me a purpose...I have to come home and feed him. Besides, they're known to relieve stress. Well maybe not in the puppy stage when they're chewing up everything, but there's older ones to adopt if you don't relish that stage. Make yourself get out now and then. You may not feel interest in anything, things that interested you before seem to feel flat now. That's normal. Push yourself out of your comfort zone just a wee bit now and then. Eating out alone, going to a movie alone or church alone, all of these things are hard to do at first. You may feel you flunked at it, cried throughout, that's okay, you did it, you tried, and eventually you get a little better at it. If I waited until I had someone to do things with I'd be stuck at home a lot. Keep coming here. We've been through it and we're all going through this together. Look for joy in every day. It will be hard to find at first, but in practicing this, it will change your focus so you can embrace what IS rather than merely focusing on what ISN'T. It teaches you to live in the present and appreciate fully. You have lost your big joy in life, and all other small joys may seem insignificant in comparison, but rather than compare what used to be to what is, learn the ability to appreciate each and every small thing that comes your way...a rainbow, a phone call from a friend, unexpected money, a stranger smiling at you, whatever the small joy, embrace it. It's an art that takes practice and is life changing if you continue it. Eventually consider volunteering. It helps us when we're outward focused, it's a win/win. (((hugs))) Praying for you today. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Popular Post DWS Posted April 5, 2023 Members Popular Post Report Share Posted April 5, 2023 13 hours ago, Wavesnsky said: All these are good diversions and being with family really helps, but I’m just trying figure out how to go without the love of my life. I never knew I could miss someone so much. This grief stuff stinks! My heart goes out to you on the tremendous loss of your wife. Like so many of us here, I think you'll discover that there really is no way to adequately figure this out because this is a matter of the heart. Your grief now is the carrying on of your love for her so in essence, it stays with you. It's all a part of the idea of carrying grief that many of us here have discussed and try to understand. Diversion may give us a break from the tears at times but understanding and honouring our grief really is the key. It also is part of being a good friend to ourselves...allowing ourselves to cry and miss them despite the rest of society telling us we must buck up and carry on. Our loving and committed partners and spouses are worth every tear that we shed....and yes, it hurts and it sucks! 6 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Popular Post Wavesnsky Posted April 6, 2023 Author Members Popular Post Report Share Posted April 6, 2023 @Gator M I retired and sold our business when my wife got cancer. I don’t see how anyone could work and be a caregiver at the same time. It was just non stop doctor and hospital visits. The schedule was crazy. Her cancer was aggressive and we never really got a break. She fought a hell of a fight. She just wanted to see the grand babies grow up. It wasn’t to be. God had a different plan. So now after all that I’m trying to figure out this retirement thing, which in of itself is a big change. Thank goodness for the kids and grandkids. I miss her like crazy, she was something special. 3 2 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Moderators KayC Posted April 6, 2023 Moderators Report Share Posted April 6, 2023 Wavesnsky, I was caregiver for my sister but we lived separately, so it was hard. We tried to get someone for winter but she wouldn't do anything but bilk her, so I still did what I could for her, cooking, laundry, getting her mail to her (mailbox a block away across the highway), I got a doctor to write to the post office so we got a mailbox installed in front of her place, still she couldn't get it if snowing/icy so I got it to her. It was hard as I sometimes get snowed in but I'm glad that didn't happen that last year. She had great neighbors that would check on her when I couldn't get there, she had dementia as well as disability (serious balance issues). No way could I have worked the last few years, so thankful I was forced out of the workforce when I was even though I never had any fanfare or even a retirement card. I was laid up for month with tendon injuries, just as my insurance ended, waiting for Obamacare to kick in. Injury after injury over the years, the latest being to my hands, now 10% strength, continual pain, but I keep going. My sister, my best friend, gone now, one year ago 3/28. I am so glad you have your children and grandkids, I do but mine are hours away and I have to do the traveling, getting harder to do (I'm 70) now. 1 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Wavesnsky Posted April 7, 2023 Author Members Report Share Posted April 7, 2023 @KayC it sure sounds like you have had your hands full. I sure pray that you will get a much needed break in all your struggles. God is good. Keep leaning on him in the trying times. 2 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Moderators KayC Posted April 7, 2023 Moderators Report Share Posted April 7, 2023 I could never live with/near my DIL. She treats me horribly. Nope! That aside they live in the middle of nowhere amongst cities nearby, I'm too old to get used to a whole new environment, this is my community, here or Springfield area, something familiar. 8 hours ago, Wavesnsky said: God is good. Keep leaning on him in the trying times. I do, day by day! 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Moderators KayC Posted April 8, 2023 Moderators Report Share Posted April 8, 2023 I wondered what my remark "I do, day by day!" was, looked back and noticed it didn't keep the quote right before it! No wonder it didn't make sense! I am so glad you have your son and you will get a home together. When my son was single or my daughter, either one, and they were here, we lived together very well, very easygoing! 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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