Dealing with feeling "no purpose"

[corpkid]

Hi all. I lost my husband of 23 years 4 weeks ago. Prior to that, I had spent pretty much all of my free time care-taking for him, as he couldn't drive for the past few years and had many medical problems. I thought I was ready for this - but can you ever be ready for this? Aside from the waves of grief and random sobbing, I'm struggling with feeling like I have no purpose now. Just sort of existing, and a lot of time to just sit and think.  I am not working, as I had taken the last year off for his care taking, and the thought of going through that whole process almost paralyzes me. Has anyone else dealt with this? How did you work through it?  Thank you so much.  ❤️ 

[foreverhis]

7 hours ago, corpkid said:

I thought I was ready for this - but can you ever be ready for this? Aside from the waves of grief and random sobbing, I'm struggling with feeling like I have no purpose now.

No, we're never ready for this.  That's one reason I despise when people say things like, "It must be so much harder when it's fast." or "Which is worse?" etc.  The truth is that the worst experience for each of us will always be our own, as it should be.  Those waves of grief, the tsunamis, will continue for a while, but over time for me, the waves came less often, weren't as overwhelming, and subsided sooner, quietly.  I can't even tell you exactly when because each step forward I took on my personal journey was small, imperceptible at first, until I later looked back and realized that I had moved forward, bit by bit.  Not moving on, not getting over, but simply finding my way through the dark and the pain of losing the love of my life.

I took care of my husband during his 15 month cancer journey, so I'm quite familiar with feeling, "What now?  What am I supposed to do?"  I won't sugarcoat it, it's not easy.  The only thing that helped me, in the long run, was time and having a really good support system of friends and family who were simply "there" for me.  I hope you have that as well.

7 hours ago, corpkid said:

Has anyone else dealt with this? How did you work through it? 

Absolutely.  Most of us, in fact.  I know others will be along to talk about their journeys and the ways that they manage.  Our grief and our grief journeys are unique, but we are all walking the same unwelcome road together.

[widower2]

8 hours ago, corpkid said:

Hi all. I lost my husband of 23 years 4 weeks ago. Prior to that, I had spent pretty much all of my free time care-taking for him, as he couldn't drive for the past few years and had many medical problems. I thought I was ready for this - but can you ever be ready for this? Aside from the waves of grief and random sobbing, I'm struggling with feeling like I have no purpose now. Just sort of existing, and a lot of time to just sit and think.  I am not working, as I had taken the last year off for his care taking, and the thought of going through that whole process almost paralyzes me. Has anyone else dealt with this? How did you work through it?  Thank you so much.  ❤️ 

No you can't ever be ready for this. 

I took off from work to be a caregiver too. Yeah getting back into the workflow wasn't easy but I did it and you can too. As for dealing with it in general, "a day at a time" may seem a lame cliche and maybe it is, but it's also very very true with a situation like this. 

 

 

[RichS]

8 hours ago, corpkid said:

Aside from the waves of grief and random sobbing, I'm struggling with feeling like I have no purpose now. Just sort of existing

WELCOME to this board. Here you will find a lot of sympathetic, understanding people who are going through similar grief pains as well.

Like you, my wife needed the most care taking during the last few months of her life. Now, I'm still a care taker for my son and my uncle. That is my purpose for now. Beyond that, I also couldn't tell you or anyone else what my purpose is. either. Maybe care taking is what God has called me to do at this stage of my life. Luckily, I'm pretty much retired; or else I could never hold down a steady job (full or part-time) and be able to handle my responsibilities. I have discovered that by just taking things "ONE DAY AT A TIME", I find it easier to coping with my grieving in small time segments. To avoid thinking about what will life be like a year from now brings me some peace of mind.

[KayC]

16 hours ago, corpkid said:

I'm struggling with feeling like I have no purpose now.

I am so sorry for your loss...I know it to be great.  It's been nearly 18 years now since I lost my husband and yet I remember everything about it like it just happened.  I am glad you found this place, I've found it helps as much, if not more, than grief counseling, not that one replaces another.

I think it took me about ten years to find purpose (grief groups and my diabetic groups), I led a Grief Support Group before the pandemic but haven't since.  I find the pandemic really changed things, people are used to being alone more now...
Everyone's journey is unique and so is there timeline.  One month in isn't that long, I think I was still in shock then.  You'll find your purpose in time...
I hope you continue to come here to read/post, it helps to know others "get it" and understand and we pick up pointers from them along the way.

Grief Process

This is not a one-size-fits-all, what strikes us one day will be different a few months/years from now, so please save/print this for reference!

I want to share an article I wrote of the things I've found helpful over the years, in the hopes something will be of help to you either now or on down the road.

TIPS TO MAKE YOUR WAY THROUGH GRIEF

There's no way to sum up how to go on in a simple easy answer, but I encourage you to read the other threads here, little by little you will learn how to make your way through this.  I do want to give you some pointers though, of some things I've learned on my journey.

• Take one day at a time.  The Bible says each day has enough trouble of its own, I've found that to be true, so don't bite off more than you can chew.  It can be challenging enough just to tackle today.  I tell myself, I only have to get through today.  Then I get up tomorrow and do it all over again.  To think about the "rest of my life" invites anxiety.
• Don't be afraid, grief may not end but it evolves.  The intensity lessens eventually.
• Visit your doctor.  Tell them about your loss, any troubles sleeping, suicidal thoughts, anxiety attacks.  They need to know these things in order to help you through it...this is all part of grief.
• Suicidal thoughts are common in early grief.  If they're reoccurring, call a suicide hotline.  I felt that way early on, but then realized it wasn't that I wanted to die so much as I didn't want to go through what I'd have to face if I lived.  Back to taking a day at a time.  Suicide Hotline - Call 1-800-273-8255 or www.crisis textline.org or US and Canada: text 741741 UK: text 85258 | Ireland: text 50808
• Give yourself permission to smile.  It is not our grief that binds us to them, but our love, and that continues still.
• Try not to isolate too much.  
• There's a balance to reach between taking time to process our grief, and avoiding it...it's good to find that balance for yourself.  We can't keep so busy as to avoid our grief, it has a way of haunting us, finding us, and demanding we pay attention to it!  Some people set aside time every day to grieve.  I didn't have to, it searched and found me!
• Self-care is extremely important, more so than ever.  That person that would have cared for you is gone, now you're it...learn to be your own best friend, your own advocate, practice self-care.  You'll need it more than ever.
• Recognize that your doctor isn't trained in grief, find a professional grief counselor that is.  We need help finding ourselves through this maze of grief, knowing where to start, etc.  They have not only the knowledge, but the resources.
• In time, consider a grief support group.  If your friends have not been through it themselves, they may not understand what you're going through, it helps to find someone somewhere who DOES "get it". 
• Be patient, give yourself time.  There's no hurry or timetable about cleaning out belongings, etc.  They can wait, you can take a year, ten years, or never deal with it.  It's okay, it's what YOU are comfortable with that matters.  
• Know that what we are comfortable with may change from time to time.  That first couple of years I put his pictures up, took them down, up, down, depending on whether it made me feel better or worse.  Finally, they were up to stay.
• Consider a pet.  Not everyone is a pet fan, but I've found that my dog helps immensely.  It's someone to love, someone to come home to, someone happy to see me, someone that gives me a purpose...I have to come home and feed him.  Besides, they're known to relieve stress.  Well maybe not in the puppy stage when they're chewing up everything, but there's older ones to adopt if you don't relish that stage.
• Make yourself get out now and then.  You may not feel interest in anything, things that interested you before seem to feel flat now.  That's normal.  Push yourself out of your comfort zone just a wee bit now and then.  Eating out alone, going to a movie alone or church alone, all of these things are hard to do at first.  You may feel you flunked at it, cried throughout, that's okay, you did it, you tried, and eventually you get a little better at it.  If I waited until I had someone to do things with I'd be stuck at home a lot.
• Keep coming here.  We've been through it and we're all going through this together.
• Look for joy in every day.  It will be hard to find at first, but in practicing this, it will change your focus so you can embrace what IS rather than merely focusing on what ISN'T.  It teaches you to live in the present and appreciate fully.  You have lost your big joy in life, and all other small joys may seem insignificant in comparison, but rather than compare what used to be to what is, learn the ability to appreciate each and every small thing that comes your way...a rainbow, a phone call from a friend, unexpected money, a stranger smiling at you, whatever the small joy, embrace it.  It's an art that takes practice and is life changing if you continue it.
• Eventually consider volunteering.  It helps us when we're outward focused, it's a win/win.

(((hugs)))  Praying for you today.

 

[Wavesnsky]

Your post sounds like I could have almost written it myself. Many of the same issues here. You are never really ready for this. I agree about trying to find a purpose. Do you have kids or family? This seems to help me out and keep me busy. I’m trying to treat this journey just like the cancer, one day at a time.

[Wavesnsky]

@Gator M thanks for your last reply. It’s straight to the point and I like that. I can learn listening from you. Keep providing your good insight.