Checks and her desk

[MichiganDaniel]

I had a bit of a bad moment tonight.

I was paying bills, and I noticed that there were only a few checks left in the book. I went to the bank's web site and found where to order more checks.

Only, it showed that she had ordered new checks in November, and so there were a lot of checks somewhere.

I looked through her desk. All her notes, papers to be filed, her things, her journal, envelopes with pictures and keepsakes. I couldn't find the checks, but I found all of her life waiting for her to sit back down. She would know exactly where they are. I wanted to ask her. I wanted to not  let her down and just find the checks that she ordered.

That sent me to the couch crying out, "I don't want this!" Over and over. What a horrid storm.

I ordered more checks, and it seemed ok to remove her name from the checks and click the order button, but that was also sad.

Earlier today I met and old friend and we went to a Mexican restaurant and stayed three hours talking and catching up. It was a good day, but looking through her desk and needing her help took me back to the open wound of the first few days after.

Something about being able to share that here helps, I guess because I can imagine all of you nodding and understanding.

[KayC]

It feels like every little thing we do seems to remove them from us, only death did that already, but still, it's hard, I feel for you.

[Kay78]

5 hours ago, KayC said:

It feels like every little thing we do seems to remove them from us, only death did that already, but still, it's hard, I feel for you.

@KayCYou said it.. "every little thing we do seems to remove them from us" the worst part is the fleeting memories or just the familiarity of having them around every day seems to just dissipate automatically no matter how tight you try to hold onto it. 

@DanielInMichiganI felt that when you say "I don't want this" I constantly catch myself crying out "it's not fair how much I miss you" then having to make decisions on your own, like removing their name from checks, has to hit hard too. I can't relate on the ordering checks part, I wasn't married, but just having to start to make single decisions really just makes the reality sink in more.. I'm so sorry you are feeling this way.

[foreverhis]

16 hours ago, DanielInMichigan said:

Something about being able to share that here helps, I guess because I can imagine all of you nodding and understanding.

Absolutely. Checks, that was a tough one for sure.

We had accounts at two places. One had a checking account tied to a retirement account. I was legally required to close those accounts and reopen new ones in just my name with new beneficiaries. Fortunately, they have an estate department dedicated to helping and agents who are used to being sensitive to the reasons why all that has to happen. It helped a lot to have my assigned agent be the one official who did not end our phone conversations with some variation of, “Have a nice day.” He walked me through everything and took care of as many of the forms as allowed over the phone. He simply remained quiet the few times I lost it and then sincerely said, “I am so sorry you’re having to go through this. I wish I could make it easier, but I know I can’t.” I don’t write many checks anyway, so that new book only has one check used. I was finally able to shred the old ones last year.

The other is our everyday bank where direct deposits go and we have our safe deposit box, along with an “emergency” savings account where we keep just enough for a quick transfer if needed. That bank was harder.

 I kept John on the accounts until summer of 2021. The agent there was helpful too, but we had to do it in person because I was adding my sister to the checking account. I figured we’d just add her and that would be that. Nope. John had to be removed from it first. Signing that paperwork hurt, even though it was 3 years later.

The agent said to go ahead and use the remaining checks before switching the names. I do mostly electronic bill pay through the bank, so it wasn’t until last spring that I had to order new checks.

 It was definitely painful, and I can only imagine how much harder it would have been if I had to do it sooner. But the hardest for me was actually only a few months ago when I used the first check from the new book. I don’t know why that made it seem more final, but it did. Maybe it’s because each time I see something “in black and white,” it seems as if I am forced to remember why it’s different.

 I am so sorry you had to go through that now, especially because in searching for the new checks, you kept finding parts of her life quietly waiting for her.((HUGS))

[KayC]

The bank made that decision for me, I didn't get a say in it, they still honored the checks with both names but they removed his name from the bank account.  I was in a fog or never would have let them know but I had no idea, was gliding in auto mode I think...

[foreverhis]

3 hours ago, Gator M said:

My wife had 1 checking account that does not have my name on it.

The bank won't even tell me if there is anything in it or even if it is active.

I've pulled all my money out and moved it to another bank.

These people make nothing easy.

I'm beginning to think that I somehow managed to luck out in having almost exclusively "positive" experiences during everything.  From our investment account to our every day bank to the Social Security office and even to the credit card companies.  Everything was difficult emotionally (and sometimes with the boatload of forms!), but the people were uniformly kind and helpful.

[KayC]

Gator, you should be able, as executor of her estate, have access to her bank account/records.   How wrong!  It would have been easier had she listed you as beneficiary, I have done that my son now as who knows what the future holds for any of us.  

8 hours ago, foreverhis said:

to the Social Security office

That was a horrid experience for me.  I went in there to take his death cert. and she LOUDLY pronounced our marriage "over due to his death!"  I found that distasteful and unnecessary and it caused me to cry the 60 miles home, stopping off at a friend's as my driving was not doable at the time.

[KayC]

George didn't have one either, who thought he'd die so young! But we had put each other as beneficiary on each other's bank accounts.  Have you talked to a lawyer?  Maybe it's not worth it if it wasn't that much...have you looked for her bank statements?

[Deborah_M]

Gator:  have you been through probate yet?  If you are named as beneficiary of your wife's estate you should be able to go to the bank and close out her account.  I just went through all of that.

[KayC]

I'm so sorry.

[AJ4]

Most of our accounts were joint accounts, but there was one where he was soley on it and I had to go through ages of hoops to get access to the money.  The people I dealt with always seemed nice and sympathetic, but they didn't always tell me the next steps and I had to continually call them and say, what do I do now, why hasn't it gone through?   It took almost a year and a half.   

Dealing with these hassles when you're grieving is like climbing an extra mountain.  

[Gail 8588]

Gator M, 

I'm sorry you are experiencing so many legal/financial issues.  Louisiana has an entirely different legal system than the other 49 states. (Based off French law rather than British law). I think your probate attorney will eventually get it all worked out, but it is frustrating.

Gail

[LBbone]

this is my first time on any site. I hope I’m doing it right, but lost my husband of 23 years father of our two teenage daughters very unexpectedly we work together with family business and going to work is extremely difficult. I have to remove his name from payroll , insurance, sales tickets,  answer phone calls of people looking for him, I cannot get away from this anywhere. It is unbearable at night, so I totally get ordering new checks. I spent days trying to find specific titles and forms and I just ordered new ones because I cannot look through any more paper. 

[LBbone]

I have been trying desperately to find an app or online group to connect with people finally got this to work. Thank you for responding. I don’t know how to get my two teenage daughters to care enough to even go to or pass school this year, when it is extremely difficult for me to even go to work

[KayC]

@LBbone I am so sorry for your loss.  I wouldn't know what to tell your daughters except to try to get them counseling.  My kids had a great school counselor, she's also a neighbor of mine.  She even took me out to dinner after going through this..

This is the hardest thing in the world to go through!  We do our best and somehow make our way through this although no one can tell you exactly how, we're all unique and so are our journeys.  

Keep coming here and reading/posting, it helps us process our grief.

Grief Process

This is not a one-size-fits-all, what strikes us one day will be different a few months/years from now, so please save/print this for reference!

I want to share an article I wrote of the things I've found helpful over the years, in the hopes something will be of help to you either now or on down the road.

TIPS TO MAKE YOUR WAY THROUGH GRIEF

There's no way to sum up how to go on in a simple easy answer, but I encourage you to read the other threads here, little by little you will learn how to make your way through this.  I do want to give you some pointers though, of some things I've learned on my journey.

• Take one day at a time.  The Bible says each day has enough trouble of its own, I've found that to be true, so don't bite off more than you can chew.  It can be challenging enough just to tackle today.  I tell myself, I only have to get through today.  Then I get up tomorrow and do it all over again.  To think about the "rest of my life" invites anxiety.
• Don't be afraid, grief may not end but it evolves.  The intensity lessens eventually.
• Visit your doctor.  Tell them about your loss, any troubles sleeping, suicidal thoughts, anxiety attacks.  They need to know these things in order to help you through it...this is all part of grief.
• Suicidal thoughts are common in early grief.  If they're reoccurring, call a suicide hotline.  I felt that way early on, but then realized it wasn't that I wanted to die so much as I didn't want to go through what I'd have to face if I lived.  Back to taking a day at a time.  Suicide Hotline - Call 1-800-273-8255 or www.crisis textline.org or US and Canada: text 741741 UK: text 85258 | Ireland: text 50808
• Give yourself permission to smile.  It is not our grief that binds us to them, but our love, and that continues still.
• Try not to isolate too much.  
• There's a balance to reach between taking time to process our grief, and avoiding it...it's good to find that balance for yourself.  We can't keep so busy as to avoid our grief, it has a way of haunting us, finding us, and demanding we pay attention to it!  Some people set aside time every day to grieve.  I didn't have to, it searched and found me!
• Self-care is extremely important, more so than ever.  That person that would have cared for you is gone, now you're it...learn to be your own best friend, your own advocate, practice self-care.  You'll need it more than ever.
• Recognize that your doctor isn't trained in grief, find a professional grief counselor that is.  We need help finding ourselves through this maze of grief, knowing where to start, etc.  They have not only the knowledge, but the resources.
• In time, consider a grief support group.  If your friends have not been through it themselves, they may not understand what you're going through, it helps to find someone somewhere who DOES "get it". 
• Be patient, give yourself time.  There's no hurry or timetable about cleaning out belongings, etc.  They can wait, you can take a year, ten years, or never deal with it.  It's okay, it's what YOU are comfortable with that matters.  
• Know that what we are comfortable with may change from time to time.  That first couple of years I put his pictures up, took them down, up, down, depending on whether it made me feel better or worse.  Finally, they were up to stay.
• Consider a pet.  Not everyone is a pet fan, but I've found that my dog helps immensely.  It's someone to love, someone to come home to, someone happy to see me, someone that gives me a purpose...I have to come home and feed him.  Besides, they're known to relieve stress.  Well maybe not in the puppy stage when they're chewing up everything, but there's older ones to adopt if you don't relish that stage.
• Make yourself get out now and then.  You may not feel interest in anything, things that interested you before seem to feel flat now.  That's normal.  Push yourself out of your comfort zone just a wee bit now and then.  Eating out alone, going to a movie alone or church alone, all of these things are hard to do at first.  You may feel you flunked at it, cried throughout, that's okay, you did it, you tried, and eventually you get a little better at it.  If I waited until I had someone to do things with I'd be stuck at home a lot.
• Keep coming here.  We've been through it and we're all going through this together.
• Look for joy in every day.  It will be hard to find at first, but in practicing this, it will change your focus so you can embrace what IS rather than merely focusing on what ISN'T.  It teaches you to live in the present and appreciate fully.  You have lost your big joy in life, and all other small joys may seem insignificant in comparison, but rather than compare what used to be to what is, learn the ability to appreciate each and every small thing that comes your way...a rainbow, a phone call from a friend, unexpected money, a stranger smiling at you, whatever the small joy, embrace it.  It's an art that takes practice and is life changing if you continue it.
• Eventually consider volunteering.  It helps us when we're outward focused, it's a win/win.

(((hugs)))  Praying for you today.

 

[LBbone]

Thank you for that. I do have both my girls in different therapies. Found a group here local for me just have not taken that first step to walk into it. Thought I would try online first.

[LBbone]

I cannot figure out how to reply to specific peoples comments yet I guess this is how, but yes, my husband had his own separate bank account my name was not on it had to take the death certificate and appointment from probate to close it and wait almost a month to get the money out of it have not even gone to Social Security meeting or VA benefits meeting until next month trying to live off of one income and we owned two houses I have the deeds transferred title to his vehicles all this just makes it even harder like you cannot rest a day

I feel my situation is unique because we worked together for a family business  I do the payroll had to remove his name from everything and switch all his customers to a new salesman

I answer the phone people ask for him because they can’t get in touch with his phone. I have to run out and cry.

all my family at work we’re so close and connected with him for 23 years as well so it’s very personal cannot even go to work to escape and take my mind off of it. It is in my face 24/7

[KayC]

1 hour ago, LBbone said:

I answer the phone people ask for him because they can’t get in touch with his phone. I have to run out and cry.

I am so sorry, an extra layer, that's hard.