Questioning Faith & Spirituality

[davincidanes]

I so understand the questioning of faith at this time of great sorrow... I've gone thru the feelings of being angry with God for dealing me this horribly unfair hand I also miss my son so much that it tears at my very center. It's only been seven weeks since Sean died, and I already have people frustrated by my grief.... telling me that he is gone, there is nothing you can do about it, so just move on with your life. He wouldn't want you to be so sad. Well....... CAN'T HELP IT! I am sad, and right now, I feel that I always will be.

In regards to faith, I have started to think about levels of existance beyond this earthly life we are stuck in. ... or our souls are in at the moment. I've always believed in God and Heaven, but all of this really initially shook those beliefs to the core. Now I am at a point where I'm looking at expanding my awareness that our souls are energy that does live on and goes to another plane of existance after the bodily death. It probably sounds odd to some, but I do believe that there is more out there...... more levels of existance, and more for us to experience. My son's life may have been his soul's time to learn another of life's lessons in order to go to another level...... closer to God and the heavenly hereafter. I don't just think it, but I know now that our souls are connected and I will see him in another dimension some day.

Shortly after Sean died, I added to my evening prayers... "Dear God, Angels, and Spirit Guides... whoever is in charge of such things, please show me a way to be with, see, talk to and hear my son again."

It has been shown to me that he is within reach in my dreams, I'm looking forward to having more lucid dreams about him, and I've even looked into the phenomenon called Astral Projection.. where it's said that you can experience those other realms of existance. Before I ever even knew anything about lucid dreams, sleep paralysis, or any of that sort of "wierd" stuff, I had a very strange experence about a week and a half ago. I wrote it down to document it, and will share it with you.........

This happened on February 15th:

Sleep Paralysis/Full Body Vibration/Dream/Astral Projection? I have had a couple of stressful days, and in the early afternoon I felt tired so laid down on the couch to take a little nap.I was suddenly very aware of a loud roaring noise, like the rumble of jet engines, and a very uncomortable vibration running through my whole body. It was very confusing and odd. I felt like I was fully awake, but I couldn't move or do anything to make it stop. I tried to open my eyes, but couldn't - felt like they were glued shut. I just laid there.....starting to get a little fearful. I desparately wanted something familiar, so I think I reached out my right hand and could feel the fur on the back of my great dane, Lacee. I patted her as I usually do, and I thought, OK - Lacee is here, so everything is ok. I brought my arm back to my body but the vibration and roaring noise never stopped. For a moment, I think I did open my eyes, or thought I did, and I saw Lacee laying in her usual spot, on "her" couch at the other side of the room. I thought how odd that was because she was just standing right beside me. The roaring and vibration continued at an alarming pace and volume........ I was accutely aware of it and thought it interestingly unusual... Suddenly, the thought hit me that maybe I was having a heart attack or stroke and was dying. I fervently thought I must get the phone and dial 911!!! This time, with my right arm again, I reached up over my head to get the phone where we used to keep it, on that end table. (Weeks ago, we decided to move the phone into the office, so it is not on the end table now) I am panicking now that I must call 911 - I did not know what was happening to me! I got the phone in my hand, but struggled to hit the "Talk" button. I seemed to be able to make slits out of my eyes, to see the button on and off..... the light went in and out from the center of my forhead but I couldn't focus on it or find the buttons for 9 and 1. I clearly remember seeing it lit up, and then it would flash away again. I tried to remember, by touch, or feeling, where the 9 and 1 keys were, but I just couldn't hit them right. I pushed buttons erratically...but 911 would not come out right each time. I was extremely frustrated and scared believing that I was going to die while lying right there on my couch and the phone in my hand, but I could not use it correctly. All of these actions were totally clear, as though I were awake and using my thinking mind. I remember bringing my arm back to my body again, but I still lay there, not being able to move, or see, and the roaring and vibrations continued. Next thing I remember, I actually did open my eyes and could clearly see the ceiling and the back of the couch I was laying on, but I still could not move. The noise and vibration had stopped. I thought, okay, I am not dead, but why can't I move? I struggled, with great effort to try to get my body to work. I was very shaken up and still quite afraid. After a little while, I was able to get my body up, and sat on the couch with an enormous feeling of confusion.....I seem to be ok, but what the hell just happened??? I looked at the clock and realized I had been "asleep" for about 2 hours, but it really only felt like it was for maybe 10 minutes. It was 3:30 in the afternoon, Lacee was on her couch, and all seemed normal again. I remained shaken up....... And I have never experienced anything like this before. I am not a young person, have lived 55 years amd this was a first time occurance. I went to the computer and googled "full body vibration dream", thinking that I would find something about having a stroke or heart attack, and all I found was information about sleep paralysis and astral projection. After reading a little I thought that maybe, that's what was happening...... the first almost astral projection experience. A little history about me and current circumstances: I was brought up a Catholic and have always considered my self a spiritual person in the sense of believing in God, Jesues, Heaven and Hell, with socially appropriate moral standards and values. Although, I am not an overly "religious" type of person. I just experienced the first terrible, overwhelming loss of my life, with death of my 28 year old son who died on January 5, 2012. I have, for the first time, really questioned spirituality, the purpose of life, and the existance of different levels of conciousness. I have, for the first time ever, considered contacting a psychic wondering if there is something more to this than simply entertainment value. Let's say I've become OPEN to psychic possibilies, and the existance of other realms or layers of conciousness than the earthly type that I am accustomed to. Since my son's death, when I lay down to go to sleep, I have added a new request to my prayers. After, the usual thank you's to God, and asking for blessings, strength and guidance, I've added..."Dear God, Spirit Guides, or Angels..........whoever is in charge of such things, please allow me a way to be with, visit, or see my son again. - Thank you, Amen" Is this the beginning of that path being made available to me?

I know that it's way OUT THERE for most people, but I have to believe this is more than a coincidence. I do believe that I was spontaneously being shown something that I previously had known nothing about. It has not happened since, but I have caught a glimpse of him in remembered dreams twice. This is currently my way of being comforted ... I will see him again, even if it is in my imagination, or a dream or on another level of conciousness before or after I die. For now I have to be satisfied with that. I am learning to open my mind to the possibilites. I'm looking at meditation techniques and Yoga to find my way to best relax and clear my shattered mind. This may be the beginning of a spiritual journey for me that would otherwise never have happened. I personally feel that ANY way that we can find some comfort from this grief is worth exploring. Hugs.........

[robyn]

I so understand the questioning of faith at this time of great sorrow... I've gone thru the feelings of being angry with God for dealing me this horribly unfair hand I also miss my son so much that it tears at my very center. It's only been seven weeks since Sean died, and I already have people frustrated by my grief.... telling me that he is gone, there is nothing you can do about it, so just move on with your life. He wouldn't want you to be so sad. Well....... CAN'T HELP IT! I am sad, and right now, I feel that I always will be.

In regards to faith, I have started to think about levels of existance beyond this earthly life we are stuck in. ... or our souls are in at the moment. I've always believed in God and Heaven, but all of this really initially shook those beliefs to the core. Now I am at a point where I'm looking at expanding my awareness that our souls are energy that does live on and goes to another plane of existance after the bodily death. It probably sounds odd to some, but I do believe that there is more out there...... more levels of existance, and more for us to experience. My son's life may have been his soul's time to learn another of life's lessons in order to go to another level...... closer to God and the heavenly hereafter. I don't just think it, but I know now that our souls are connected and I will see him in another dimension some day.

Shortly after Sean died, I added to my evening prayers... "Dear God, Angels, and Spirit Guides... whoever is in charge of such things, please show me a way to be with, see, talk to and hear my son again."

It has been shown to me that he is within reach in my dreams, I'm looking forward to having more lucid dreams about him, and I've even looked into the phenomenon called Astral Projection.. where it's said that you can experience those other realms of existance. Before I ever even knew anything about lucid dreams, sleep paralysis, or any of that sort of "wierd" stuff, I had a very strange experence about a week and a half ago. I wrote it down to document it, and will share it with you.........

This happened on February 15th:

Sleep Paralysis/Full Body Vibration/Dream/Astral Projection? I have had a couple of stressful days, and in the early afternoon I felt tired so laid down on the couch to take a little nap.I was suddenly very aware of a loud roaring noise, like the rumble of jet engines, and a very uncomortable vibration running through my whole body. It was very confusing and odd. I felt like I was fully awake, but I couldn't move or do anything to make it stop. I tried to open my eyes, but couldn't - felt like they were glued shut. I just laid there.....starting to get a little fearful. I desparately wanted something familiar, so I think I reached out my right hand and could feel the fur on the back of my great dane, Lacee. I patted her as I usually do, and I thought, OK - Lacee is here, so everything is ok. I brought my arm back to my body but the vibration and roaring noise never stopped. For a moment, I think I did open my eyes, or thought I did, and I saw Lacee laying in her usual spot, on "her" couch at the other side of the room. I thought how odd that was because she was just standing right beside me. The roaring and vibration continued at an alarming pace and volume........ I was accutely aware of it and thought it interestingly unusual... Suddenly, the thought hit me that maybe I was having a heart attack or stroke and was dying. I fervently thought I must get the phone and dial 911!!! This time, with my right arm again, I reached up over my head to get the phone where we used to keep it, on that end table. (Weeks ago, we decided to move the phone into the office, so it is not on the end table now) I am panicking now that I must call 911 - I did not know what was happening to me! I got the phone in my hand, but struggled to hit the "Talk" button. I seemed to be able to make slits out of my eyes, to see the button on and off..... the light went in and out from the center of my forhead but I couldn't focus on it or find the buttons for 9 and 1. I clearly remember seeing it lit up, and then it would flash away again. I tried to remember, by touch, or feeling, where the 9 and 1 keys were, but I just couldn't hit them right. I pushed buttons erratically...but 911 would not come out right each time. I was extremely frustrated and scared believing that I was going to die while lying right there on my couch and the phone in my hand, but I could not use it correctly. All of these actions were totally clear, as though I were awake and using my thinking mind. I remember bringing my arm back to my body again, but I still lay there, not being able to move, or see, and the roaring and vibrations continued. Next thing I remember, I actually did open my eyes and could clearly see the ceiling and the back of the couch I was laying on, but I still could not move. The noise and vibration had stopped. I thought, okay, I am not dead, but why can't I move? I struggled, with great effort to try to get my body to work. I was very shaken up and still quite afraid. After a little while, I was able to get my body up, and sat on the couch with an enormous feeling of confusion.....I seem to be ok, but what the hell just happened??? I looked at the clock and realized I had been "asleep" for about 2 hours, but it really only felt like it was for maybe 10 minutes. It was 3:30 in the afternoon, Lacee was on her couch, and all seemed normal again. I remained shaken up....... And I have never experienced anything like this before. I am not a young person, have lived 55 years amd this was a first time occurance. I went to the computer and googled "full body vibration dream", thinking that I would find something about having a stroke or heart attack, and all I found was information about sleep paralysis and astral projection. After reading a little I thought that maybe, that's what was happening...... the first almost astral projection experience. A little history about me and current circumstances: I was brought up a Catholic and have always considered my self a spiritual person in the sense of believing in God, Jesues, Heaven and Hell, with socially appropriate moral standards and values. Although, I am not an overly "religious" type of person. I just experienced the first terrible, overwhelming loss of my life, with death of my 28 year old son who died on January 5, 2012. I have, for the first time, really questioned spirituality, the purpose of life, and the existance of different levels of conciousness. I have, for the first time ever, considered contacting a psychic wondering if there is something more to this than simply entertainment value. Let's say I've become OPEN to psychic possibilies, and the existance of other realms or layers of conciousness than the earthly type that I am accustomed to. Since my son's death, when I lay down to go to sleep, I have added a new request to my prayers. After, the usual thank you's to God, and asking for blessings, strength and guidance, I've added..."Dear God, Spirit Guides, or Angels..........whoever is in charge of such things, please allow me a way to be with, visit, or see my son again. - Thank you, Amen" Is this the beginning of that path being made available to me?

I know that it's way OUT THERE for most people, but I have to believe this is more than a coincidence. I do believe that I was spontaneously being shown something that I previously had known nothing about. It has not happened since, but I have caught a glimpse of him in remembered dreams twice. This is currently my way of being comforted ... I will see him again, even if it is in my imagination, or a dream or on another level of conciousness before or after I die. For now I have to be satisfied with that. I am learning to open my mind to the possibilites. I'm looking at meditation techniques and Yoga to find my way to best relax and clear my shattered mind. This may be the beginning of a spiritual journey for me that would otherwise never have happened. I personally feel that ANY way that we can find some comfort from this grief is worth exploring. Hugs.........

Linda

There is no denying that for everyone "down here", going through a bad time, we sure can tell them- "Count your blessings! It could be a whole LOT worse!" I was raised an Irish catholic in Boston (how's THAT for a cliche? ), every kid I knew in the neighborhood (Irish and Italian, of course)went to the parish "sistah school". Their teaching involved the "fear of God"- literally. I discovered true faith and God's true character, and His Word, later in life. To say that the God of mercy that I know, NOW, is very different from the vengeful God I was taught about is an understatement. I went through a short period, when the kids were little, of listening to a dear friend who happens to be a practitioner of "other arts". She taught me tarot, palmistry (which, it seems, I was very good at), and that all paths were paths to God. Well, God showed me- SHOWED me- that this is not so. This lady and I are still dear friends, but our religious debates are "spirited" (pun definately intended!).

We are a finite bunch down here Linda. Because this life is the only one we know, we base all our judgements on it. But it isn't our real life. We pass from death to life, not the other way around. Christ was very clear about this. We all thrash around, experiencing disease and pain, working every day just to make a living, battered by financial strains and losing our loved ones. Yet we cling to this 70 or so years with the grip of a dying man. We take our broken toys to God like small kids, push them onto His lap and demand "Fix it!"; if He isn't fast enough to our liking, we grab them back and tell Him "never mind. I'll do it myself". And when we CAN'T, we blame Him.But here's the thing- He forgives us every time, from east to west. This isn't the life He ever intended for us, and it isn't the life He has promised. Two words I remind my family of all the time- surrender and trust. Not easy, certainly not for Moms whose babies have preceded them into heaven. But they are the two words that begin the process of leaning on the only One who can give you some peace, joy, and the absolute knowledge that you will be with your son again, never to be separated ever again. Eternity is another word we can't possibly fully appreciate!

Linda, in this experience we are all sharing in here, we are living through terrbile pain, sadness, and for some, shock. This makes us vulnerable. We are almost willing to accept any idea that we think might give us some peace. I learned (the hard way!) that God doesn't have an "off" day, he doesn't measure His "correct" prophecies in percentages- He is never wrong. And you never need to be "taught" how to follow Him. We sometimes think that we have to pray a bunch of memorized prayers. None of this is true. Christ told us to pray like we talk to our earthly fathers, because He IS our true Father. I roam around the house, talking to him all day, doing my chores, watching the news, doing my schoolwork...just as if He is here, listening and hanging on every word. Because, he is!

I'll let you in on a little secret- I am one of those who believes we are in the end times (no, not Mayan calendar baloney!). The prophecies of the Bible truly seem to be coming together in a cascade. Every time I watch the news, I am hearing the word "Watch!", especially with everything that is going on in the middle east. The Bible says that the time will come when the dead in Christ will rise first, and then we will join them to leave for home. My husband and I have this little joke share: The family will be together for dinner, or whatever, and suddenly, Chrissy will be there, telling us "C'mon guys! Time to go!". THAT will be the first time anyone in this family has seen THIS old lady do a cartwheel! Right out the door!

Talk to your Father, Linda. Even if, in the beginning, you aren't sure He is listening. I'm betting that before long, you will feel His absolute love for you and His reassurance.

Love,

Robyn

[davincidanes]

Here I am responding to Robyn and to Susan.

Thank you so much, the both of you for taking the time to read my meandering post. I know spiritually, in my heart, that Sean is with God in heaven along with your children, but the human side of me is weak and still so terribly wants him back. I'm sure that as I travel along this grief journey, that I will become more accepting of that. This is why I need to reach out into the realms of spirituality in some kind of effort to find comfort. This is the most difficult road I have ever walked, and I'm sure to stumble even more along the way. I appreciate all of the wonderful words of faith and encouragement.

~Linda - Sean's Mom

#2Susan-Shannon's Mom

• 
• Advanced Member
• 

• 
• 
• 

• Group:Members
• Posts:209
• Joined:09-October 11
• LocationCanton, Ga
• Loss Type:Sudden death of 16 yr old daughter
• Angel Date:September 20, 2011

Posted Today, 03:18 PM

Yes, I also believe in the ability to continue relationship with our children on a spiritually conscience level. I also strive to develop my ability to acquire a higher level of vibration so that I can be better able to simply be with my daughter....like trying to learn a new language...the language of the spirit. I also have Narcolepsy, so I am very aware of sleep paralysis and hypnogogic hallucinations. Those experiences can be very alarming. Awake yet dreaming at the same time, and paralyzed. Shannon is in my dreams every time I sleep, but I have only had 2 actual visit dreams since her death, and I treasure those visits. I get signs as well....almost daily, and I treasure those too.

I do not see you as crazy or "way out there".....and you're not alone in this.

Prayers that you get your visit dream, your signs, and that you find your way on the spiritual path of growth.

[riversoflife]

Hi Linda, nothing we go through in our grief is weird ... what's 'normal' anyway?? I too have had some other-bodily/spiritual experiences, and as a rule I seek the Holy Spirit's leading in this regard...(I don't pursue pyschic's or mediums because I figure that if the Good Lord wants to bless me with a mystical experience, it'll happen:)

I am a faithful bible-believing Christian, and when the Word tells me that "Heaven is closer than we think" and "Heaven is all around", I hold on to this truth knowing that this is where my son is (in that "Cloud of Witnesses"). There are times however, that even though my spirit holds on to this knowledge ... my body cries out in sorrow at no longer having him here with me physically. It's during these times when the tears well-up uncontrollably that I like to believe that my son is so close in the spirit, that my body cannot comprehend it - and so I let the tears flow.

much love to you.

[chandralynn2012]

I have never lost a child, but I lost my mother 2 weeks ago.. I have been reading your posts about questioning your faith and that is what I am experiencing right now. I was raised Lutheran, with a Roman Catholic mother. My whole life I have been taught to believe in heaven and angels, and that when we die we join God in heaven, and all of our earthly chains are broken. We leave behind our illness and worries and experience a place so glorious that nothing here on earth can compare. I want to keep believing this...I do. My mom died of pneumonia at our local hospital, after being on hospice for a month. Her home had been a nursing home just down the street from us, the same nursing home I work in. She died before any of us could make it to the hospital. When I went to view her body that terrible morning, her mouth was open like she was gasping for air. This frightened me..it frightened me to the core. Did she die afraid? Was she lonely? People have told me that when someone dies they are a lot of times escorted to heaven by someone they know-was someone there for her? I wanted so much to be with her when she took her final breath, and now I look for an absolution that I did not let her down...I keep hoping for a dream, or a sign, a sight, or a smell that tells me that she is ok and that she is not angry with me for letting her die alone.

[widower2]

I already have people frustrated by my grief.... telling me that he is gone, there is nothing you can do about it, so just move on with your life.

Such people's stupidity is surpassed only by their severe insensitivity, even cruelty - IMO they should be beaten to a pulp with a baseball bat. Then you can walk up and go "oh there's nothing you can do about it, so just move on with your life."

Un-believable. I am so sorry you have had to deal with such disgusting and ignorant attitudes. I sometimes almost (almost) wish such people would suffer a similar blow, if only for a brief time, just so they can see how warped their version of reality is.

That aside, keep in mind that what you're feeling is quite normal and it takes a LOT longer than these fools have a clue about to work through this. Give yourself time and be gentle to yourself.

[robyn]

I have never lost a child, but I lost my mother 2 weeks ago.. I have been reading your posts about questioning your faith and that is what I am experiencing right now. I was raised Lutheran, with a Roman Catholic mother. My whole life I have been taught to believe in heaven and angels, and that when we die we join God in heaven, and all of our earthly chains are broken. We leave behind our illness and worries and experience a place so glorious that nothing here on earth can compare. I want to keep believing this...I do. My mom died of pneumonia at our local hospital, after being on hospice for a month. Her home had been a nursing home just down the street from us, the same nursing home I work in. She died before any of us could make it to the hospital. When I went to view her body that terrible morning, her mouth was open like she was gasping for air. This frightened me..it frightened me to the core. Did she die afraid? Was she lonely? People have told me that when someone dies they are a lot of times escorted to heaven by someone they know-was someone there for her? I wanted so much to be with her when she took her final breath, and now I look for an absolution that I did not let her down...I keep hoping for a dream, or a sign, a sight, or a smell that tells me that she is ok and that she is not angry with me for letting her die alone.

Chandralynn,

I was raised full-on Catholic- even went to the parish school for all of elementary. Nothin' like the old nuns of the 50s to put the fear'a'God in ya- for real! I finally learned that "religion" is man reaching for God, grace is God reaching for us. I am a Christian, and "religion" is the church I attend occasionally.

We DO go home when we die and it is what God longs for, for all of us. My beautiful daughter went home almost 4 months ago and, at first, I thought I might die of the sorrow. But He was there and has stayed with me every minute. I wasn't with Chrissy when she left, but that has never been an issue for me, because Jesus WAS. We never die alone. Your Mom was not alone. I know, with absolute faith, that our dear ones are waiting for us, experiencing an existance they can't wait to share with us. It is the life God always meant for us, which we rejected, but can now have because of Christ's sacrifice.

Please don't be afraid. You didn't let your Mom down and I know she knows how much you love her. Sometimes, we wait for signals and visions and miracles, but miracles aren't always what you think they are. Sometimes, just coming to the knowledge of Him and what waits for us is the biggest miracle of all.

Love,

Robyn

[davincidanes]

Thanks to everyone for their comments. It helps so much that we share our sorrows and our belief systems. I was raised full-on Catholic as well, and I continue to reach further into the belief in God and his will to get through these tough times. Every day...several times, I pray to be with Sean in spirit. I'm not afraid of dying at all because I know joyous things await me.